Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

Fair enough op, maybe try not to compare your situation to others in more fortunate positions, they do say comparison is the thief of joy.
I think it's a shame you feel this affects your relationship with your parents, I hope they show you love in other ways, maybe look out for that.

I would suggest putting this to the back of your mind and concentrate on the things you can control to increase your own future wealth, especially with the drop in childcare costs, that 18K is not to be sniffed at and will hopefully take some pressure off.

*She resents them for the fact they don't give her the money to work part time and have foreign holidays.

She's mentioned the fact that they sometimes have 3 cruises a year as justification for the fact that they are being unreasonable.

It's hardly as if they are not helping her when she's struggling to feed herself or her children. I would call that entitlement. They don't have to give her anything.*

No don't think that's it. Just thinks it's a bit weird they don't share it a bit more.

Which is completely different from " resenting them enjoying their retirement "

Well said!
Your parents have worked for years longer than you.
I doubt they had fancy holidays in their 30s
Of course they have paid their mortgage off after years of work

Very Narcissistic trait to resent others and eye up their money.

YANBU to expect help but the income you describe is not "very rich" to be honest. Owning two properties is not a huge deal especially if only one is rented out. Any income will be taxed so they'll end up with 60% at best. Cruise holidays are also far from a luxury, most people take 2-3 holidays a year if their income permits and it's not really extravagant or selfish to spend money on that.

So deducting the price of their holidays and the living cost of a presumably an upper middle class lifestyle, there probably isn't that much left over. If they also choose to make their own investments in stocks and bonds then there really isn't much left. Maybe less than 10K? That would barely make a dent in any deposit or mortgage.

Parents who are typically "very rich" are those with millions in assets. Most people who have had help from parents are basically those who received over six figures for a deposit or got gifted a property outright. Parents who can only spare a few thousand or 10-20K max per year are in a difficult place because they should not be obliged to give those to their children if they don't want to.

No don't think that's it. Just thinks it's a bit weird they don't share it a bit more.

Which is completely different from " resenting them enjoying their retirement

Sorry not buying it. She could have posted a post about sharing wealth without referring to the fact her parents have 3 cruises a year and mentioning how unfair it is that her mother got to work part time and she doesn't.

OP isn't poor. She has a mortgage and has holidays. She just wants a handout because her parents have nicer things than she does.

*No don't think that's it. Just thinks it's a bit weird they don't share it a bit more.

Which is completely different from " resenting them enjoying their retirement "*

Exactly this. For example, if they gave us 10k as a one off (DISCLAIMER - this is for illustration purposes and I am not saying I expect them to give us 10k) it would have a massive impact on us.

It would mean we wouldn’t have to stress about going into debt if the boiler breaks down. It would mean we could do some of the house repairs we’ve had to put off for years. It would mean we could overpay the mortgage and shave some time off the 31 year term. It would mean I could buy some new clothes rather than Vinted for a change.

And they could easily afford it, if they wanted to. I’m not saying they should, I’m not saying I expect it, but they could afford it and have made a choice not to.

I can't imagine not helping my dc as much as possible, what's the point of money if not to do that?

OP isn't poor. She has a mortgage and has holidays. She just wants a handout because her parents have nicer things than she does.

Still not buying " she resents them enjoying their retirement " A cheap dig to try and prove a different point.

We all have different concepts of sharing as demonstrated on here.

Because cost of living impacts people with big mortgages working long hours in stressful jobs with fairly average incomes and no pay rises, a lot more than it impacts people who own property outright, have index linked pensions and bring home at least 4 x as much income every year?

Astonishing that this needs explaining. Reinforces exactly what has been said about some people in that generation just not "getting it". Or, more accurately, being too "busy" on their back-to-back holidays ever to have given it a moment's thought.

I can't imagine not helping my dc as much as possible, what's the point of money if not to do that?

Yep 👍🏻

I’m sorry, I’m just really struggling to take you seriously since you’ve said you’ll help your own children out.

You clearly see the value in doing that so I just can’t understand why you can’t see why I’d be hurt that my parents have chosen not to 🤷‍♀️

That’s ok though as we don’t have to agree 😊

I find these responses bewildering. I grew up with generational wealth. My grandfather owned the equivalent of a FTSE 500 company. It goes without saying that all the generations subsequent were gifted. In a proportional and systematic way.
By my generation, this was not a whole lot of money (lots fo descendants) but it meant that I and my various cousins would have access to funds for key expenditures, education, weddings, house deposits. This is how my ancestors would think about wealth, and it is how I would also.
OPs parents don’t actually have a lot of wealth, basically just two properties and their investments. DB pensions have a value, but when the beneficiary dies, they are gone. The OPs parents do have quite a good income.
It is this difference between capital & income is why the OPs parents don’t think about helping their offspring. In my family, it would be normal ( but not so much in hers)
My children will inherit wealth, and I would hope that they would conserve it. But their income and spending decisions are up to them.
I do think the OP should open a conversation with her parents, about assisting them, perhaps with childcare - onerous ATM. It will largely depend on their values and what they feel might help their DC/GDC the most.

I'm struggling to understand why you think they owe you.

Perhaps it's the examples you've used of foreign holidays and working part time.

It is their money. It is up to them to do what they want with it.

We didn't get a hand out. I haven't moaned. I don't expect my mum to fund a better life style than I can afford.

The fact that we are choosing to do something for our kids is a red - herring , it's irrelevant. The correct comparison is that I don't moan that my mother has nicer clothes than I do and was a SAHM with a tiny mortgage, the result of which means that she is cash rich in her 70s. Good for her. I don't want, need or expect her money.

If I couldn't feed myself or my kids it would be different. But it isn't. This is about a lifestyle you believe you are entitled to on the back of your parent's hard work. They don't owe you a lifestyle.

My parents were in a very similar situation to yours. Both from working class families, both worked very hard and then had some luck/made some good decisions which resulted in them becoming very wealthy. I never expected anything from them but was very grateful when they helped my brother and I to buy our first properties, as well as giving us a small cash gift every year to help ‘keep the wolf from the door’. They also occasionally invited us on holidays or trips with them which they would often pay for (or pay for flights). They also very kindly contributed to the cost of childcare when I went back to work (without which I would have delayed returning to work because the cost of childcare would have made it pretty pointless in financial terms).

I was really lucky and appreciated their help very much. I would do the same for my children if I was in a position to.

Exactly.

Have you ever asked them for money, even in a roundabout way?
As people get older they seem to hoard more.

The fact that we are choosing to do something for our kids is a red - herring , it's irrelevant. The correct comparison is that I don't moan that my mother has nicer clothes than I do and was a SAHM with a tiny mortgage, the result of which means that she is cash rich in her 70s. Good for her. I don't want, need or expect her money.

Ah it's the moaning for you.

Rather than the 'choosing not to.'

Even though you have chosen to make provision for your kids. And share your money in that way, unlike OPs parents.

Do you have siblings?
Because x 3 or x 4 for several siblings is very different to helping an only child.

I think it would be kind of them to share their wealth. As many, many parents do. As you plan to do and as I plan to do. It is a kind thing to do for your offspring if you can afford it.

There are different types of “struggling” and you can be coping ok (as we are) but still exhausted, stressed, juggling everything etc and knowing a little extra money would help. Surely you recognise this as presumably you will help your kids out even if they can still feed and clothe their kids. I don’t think it is a red herring at all.

YANBU to expect help but the income you describe is not "very rich" to be honest. Owning two properties is not a huge deal especially if only one is rented out. Any income will be taxed so they'll end up with 60% at best. Cruise holidays are also far from a luxury, most people take 2-3 holidays a year if their income permits and it's not really extravagant or selfish to spend money on that.

Please give it a rest.

I have one sibling.

How hurtful. This kind of attitude is so difficult to understand.

That is utter appalling @JockTamsonsBairns

What vile, selfish people. Some people really do not deserve children and grandchildren.

OP, I think I understand where you're coming from. I can imagine that you look at your children and want to support them in any way you can for as long as you can because you love them and they mean the world to you. But your parents don't appear to have the same attitude and perhaps that stings? It's not about them paying for holidays or giving you a handout. Of course, I could be way off base! Personally, I am of the same mind as you. I am actively planning for my daughter's future and hope to support her for as long as I can, whilst still expecting that she'll be a fully-functioning independent adult with her own life carved out.

Regular gifts out of income which do not affect lifestyle are free of inheritance tax. Also with a significant level of capital surprised your parents aren't taking advantage of inheritance tax planning. Perhaps their spending is very high and they don't have spare income.

Also as newly well off, perhaps the mindset of being wealthy hasn't got to them yet. Are they afraid of losing their funds? Do they think that they worked for it and worry about making you 'lazy' with gifts?? There are some very wealthy people out there who are deliberately not leaving much to their children for this reason.