Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

I am not sure what your cut off is but I’m 35 😊

Not being U OP.

Each to their own, and as this thread shows people are VERY different in their attitudes to money.

Nothing has given my Mum more pleasure than to help me. And the same from me to my kids.

These people don't owe you a penny but in my frame of reference you'd think they'd want to help or even just treat you occasionally.

Strange.

My husband and I are very financially comfortable. DH is genuinely the mythical 6 figure salary husband and we own three houses outright, we keep one for holidays and rent out the other two. I guess that on paper we are now millionaires thanks to clever investing in property. Of course we help out our adult DCs financially, I simply couldn't be happy knowing that they were struggling or worried about money. One of the very nicest things about having money isn't always turning left when you board a plane, it's having the ability to be generous to other people and make their lives that bit easier.

Sorry to break it to you but your parents arent rich by what you describe.
It sounds like they had to make their own money, why should you be any different? YABU.

Crack on with that one.

One of the very nicest things about having money isn't always turning left when you board a plane, it's having the ability to be generous to other people and make their lives that bit easier.

This

Alright love.

I hope they have proper estate planning in place if they do have this much money sloshing around. Irresponsible not to have that in my view….

I prefer we did things on our own to prove to ourselves we can cut it. If you are in absolute dire straits, absolutely ask for help.

it bothers me when I hear peers wait for some elderly relative to die and get an inheritance.

I think if I were you for the sake of my sanity I'd stop expecting or wishing for help now - it isn't going to happen.

The positives: As a PP said, you will have no role to play in doing or sorting out their care as they get older - they are wealthy enough to afford to buy in the best support or to choose a very good nursing home. A lot of people these days, just as they are approaching the end of the engrossing caring for children part of their lives, are then hit with the responsibility of caring for frail elderly relatives - you and your sibling will not have that problem.

And unless you are aware of any other plans, in all likelihood any residual funds that are left after their care needs are discharged will come to you, at exactly the point (most likely) your own kids could most appreciate financial support (university, first homes, young families etc). So you will have the opportunity to do what you feel should and could have been done for you, and help your kids - either financially, or by stepping back from full time work and engaging with any grandkids' care (or both, depending on what's available!).

There is a lot to be said for cultivating a different attitude to this situation. It's easy to feel hard done by and inadequate when you see others living better with lots of help. This may be childish, but I find it helpful to cultivate a bit of benign scorn for these people who don't manage on their own - remember that all the things they seem to have that you don't are buffered by someone else and they only enjoy them at someone else's pleasure, the financial support and practical help could be withdrawn at any time, and imposes an obligation which is all the heavier for being non-specific and implicit. Substitute feeling 'unsupported' for feeling 'independent/free'. Big yourself up in your own mind for what you are achieving on your own, instead of being handed by your parents.

YANBU to feel like this, but YWBU to let it poison you or colour your relationship with your parents.

i like your response

Also pissing myself at all the people describing a couple with combined pension income of £100k pa, two mortgage-free properties, and ISAs maxed out annually as 'not rich' (quite apart from whatever else they may have going on!). Truly Mumsnet Millionaires at their finest. Most people could not DREAM of such wealth.

Turn it around, you are fortunate to have your parents healthy enough to go on cruises. My DM has advanced Alzheimer’s and is in a nursing home aged very early 70’s and my DF died around the same age.

I'm wondering if you are actually me! I agree completely.

I wouldn't however pay to turn left on a plane as I'm quite miserly in some ways 😂

I wouldn't be keen to help DC if they were feckless or lazy though and they know this because I have told them straight.

Tough question, am from a wealthy family where it was a case of if you work hard you get help if you don’t tough. It did me well and instilled a good work ethic ! My teens are very fortunate but I’ll be taking the same attitude- if they think they can sit back and the bank of mum and dad will fund them they will be in for a rude awakening but if they work hard I’ll help them
out significantly. Personally I’d be helping you out - holidays etc just to ease the pressure when you both work

I'm in the fortunate position to help my adult DC with house deposits via inheritance shortly.
They have no idea that I've decided to pass my DP money down a generation as I don't need it and still have considerable savings and investments.
I don't agree with the Op that her DP should be funding fancy holidays and her savings though.
Very entitled and grabby.
As you say 18K child care with end shortly and you will be in a position to either save it or pay for fancy holidays yourself.

I'm in the fortunate position to help my adult DC with house deposits via inheritance shortly.
They have no idea that I've decided to pass my DP money down a generation as I don't need it and still have considerable savings and investments that’s exactly what I did.

Yes. Nail on the head. They have no idea, at all. Not all obviously, but there does seem to be an incredibly selfish attitude in many of that generation. I can't imagine ever treating children that way. How someone could enjoy sunning themselves while their children are struggling and stressed about money is beyond my comprehension.

I think you should ask them, just make sure it's in a way that they can have time to think about it, and be prepared to take no for an answer. Hopefully it doesn't have to be an awkward conversation. Why not say how much you enjoy hearing about their holidays and how you haven't been able to afford a holiday for several years, would they consider helping you out with the cost of a holiday next year?

YANBU, I think it is sad that they don't offer to help you out alittle, even if they pay for you a little holiday. When I am older I will help my dcs out how ever I can. There are some mean people in this world; op there are parents on alot less who help out their dc. Helping out hard working people being screwed by the system and shit government is far different than helping out lay abouts.

Life is tough especially these days where 2 parents need to work, everything costs a bomb, no money to save on decent wages, hard to get on housing ladder, astromoical mortage rates etc. I know things were so much easier for my parents who got a 100 percent mortgage, nice house, car and we had a good living on my df's average wage considering my dm didn't work. We weren't rich by any means but ate well, didnt have debt, has spare money to save for new furniture, house renovations (could affors new kitchen) and a cheap uk holiday per year. Also they had no debt!! You could absolutely not do the latter now.

I'm sorry they don't, I would be so frustrated and annoyed by it tbh.

'Unfortunately well off boomers tend to think 'they earned it' - and cannot fathom that free university, retiring at 60 on final salary pensions, and massive increases in property values in their lifetimes, is not really 'earning it'.'

Exactly this ^ I am sick of hearing how they saved for everythingn and how there was no instant gratification like today. It must have bloody been nice to have spare money to save, as that is a luxury for most in the current climate. It is that generation that screwed us up in the first place financially!

My parents are not well
off but show favouritism among their children I have their only grandchildren they wouldn’t even buy me a cup of coffee in a cafe on the other hand my brother has just been given 20, 000 towards the cost of buying a house a fact they are keeping quiet about

It's not "entitlement". The whole purpose of earning money, for most people, is to provide for their families. It's a perculiar idea that people wouldn't support extended family financially and in any other way as much as they can. You don't really see this selfishness in most other cultures, and these ideas do seem to be very specific to (a proportion of) a certain UK generation, this washing your hands of children at 18/21. Most people don't think like this at all and actively want to help children who are worse off than them rather than seeing it as an outrageous imposition.

'Turn it around, you are fortunate to have your parents healthy enough to go on cruises. My DM has advanced Alzheimer’s and is in a nursing home aged very early 70’s and my DF died around the same age.'

I am very sorry your dm and your family is going through that; this must be unimaginably tough. I don't think the op is saying that she isn't thankful for her parents at all, just that they're mean. They can stl be healthy and go on the cruises as well as help op out a little.

It's a tough one.

My friend has very rich parents. Think, millions in two digits. My friend is successful in her own right and had parents help with house deposit and wedding, but that's it.

When does it end if your parents are extremely wealthy like this ?

FWIW I don't think like it either.

Our children have trust funds set up to support them into adulthood, to put money towards getting on the property ladder which we know will be harder for them than it was for us.

The issue I have with the OP is that she thinks her parents should be funding her holidays and appears to resent the fact that they have them.

It is expectation that your parents will bail your out or support a lifestyle which is the entitlement I refer to. I think that young people should be given the tools to make their own way. They certainly shouldn't be, at the age of 35, asking for handouts to go on holiday. Loads of people can't afford holidays. It's not a god given right.

It is the resentment towards the older generation without consideration that many of that generation found things difficult or would have had periods of sacrifice.

I will happily support my children but I would not be impressed if they resented me for having holidays and expected me to fund theirs.