I made my kids pay for the food they took

[piqueen]

Did I go too far?
I took their Christmas money to replace the sweets and treats they took. We do a big shop once a month and I buy all the chocolates/ crisps and other cupboard bits for the month. These are for lunchboxes for the kids, dh and for picnics on the weekend (or pack lunches for days out) , also biscuits and breakfast bars. You know, the good stuff?
I did the shop on the 1st and by the 3rd I thought, the cupboard looked a bit empty on the 3rd (so 2 days) and by the 6th I definitely knew something was up.
The boxes of cereal bars were empty (but still stacked so first glance there is non missing), all the chocolate had gone, the biscuits had been opened and eaten.

me and dh did a big clear out of their room and moved the furniture around. We found all the evidence, evidence which included loads of fridge snacks too. Frubes, cheesestring, baby bell which the wax has got stuck in the carpet.
I was so pissed off i took the kids Xmas money and have been using it to replace the items for DHs lunch only. The kids are having no treats in their lunch and I'm only buying fruit.

The reason we do a big shop is because I don't drive so I get a taxi once a month to keep costs down. (it's cheaper to shop at aldi and pay £10 once a month than shop in sainsburies every week, so I bulk buy aldi and top up at the more expensive shop) The kids have obviously been doing this for some time as there was so much rubbish behind and under the wardrobe.

It's been 2 weeks since I took their money but I feel so guilty. They only get a little bit (it was £40 between them) and they are only 9 and 10 but, also they stole a month's worth of treats for everyone (dh works in a physical job so he gets easy bars he can stick I his pocket, sometimes he is doing a 12 hour shift, very labour intensive and no chance to nip to mcdonalds)

I'm going back and forth between
'actions have consequences' and
'kids will be kids'

I don't even know if the lesson has sunk in because they have been eating loads of fruit instead now which is better but obviously costs more than chocolate bars and the price if everything is going up I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh

Yabu - give the money back
Yanbu - they should pay for the food they took

This Liberal use of the word steal doesn't sit right with me.

You probably need to be clearer with them about how long the food has to last and do a box each per week or something. Kids aren't great with delayed gratification

You are being unfair and cruel. They are stealing for a reason. The reason is you.

I think you'll find from doing your research that associating food with rewards and punishments, I e emotionally reacting to issues over food is a really, really good way to stuff up their self regulation around it. That is 'not' anecdata, it is well known and well researched.

Sounds like somebody should be alerting social services to the regime in your house. Kids having to steal food and their Christmas money taken to pay for it. Or maybe a course in parenting skills.

What a stupid post. I agree that taking their Christmas money was the wrong thing to do - the OP should have just said 'right, no more treat food for the next month'.

But suggesting these kids 'had to' steal food is laughable. They nicked the sweets, chocolate and biscuits because they are tempting and they know they're not allowed unlimited access to them. Anyone who thinks that no well-fed child (or indeed adult!) could possibly want to binge on junk if they had the chance is frankly living on another planet. One without an obesity crisis, presumably.

I found a video on You tube ( sorry no link) and it was a lady who purchased 3 plastic baskets from a £ shop, where she places the snacks ger kids eat the following day. Her kids stopped 'raiding' the kitchen cupboards for snacks after that and when the basket was empty, her kids knew it will be full again the following morning.

This system seemed to work for this family.

Had you spelt out the rules beforehand? - that these items are for lunchboxes to last the week so please do not eat them.

If not YABVU.

If so, then you AB(a bit) U as the punishment seems very harsh.

It's precisely because I'm 'not' controlling that they don't over fixate on it. Many people take that approach it isn't just me and they use common sense, i.e have some 'real' food in the house, if this is not it.

Doing a big shop for heavy and non-perishable things once a month isn't odd. Lots of people do this.

Looking back at our 1960s childhood I have realised that my mums (undiagnosed) issues with food plus her obsessive war baby need to keep meals as inexpensive as possible (so lots of poor quality carbs in the form of bread and marg and tinned pasta with very little protein or veg and no fruit ever) meant we were permanently hungry. It was so normal for us that I didn't even know I was hungry. I assumed that's how people always felt.

I was a very obedient child, too scared of punishment to ever break a rule but my more daring brother and sister stole food all the time and it was invariably 'treat' food because that's quick and easy to steal and eat without having to cook it.

I think you need to look at their diet. The fact that they are now eating loads of fruit indicates they are not getting enough at meal times. If they are full of good quality food they won't have room to eat any 'stolen' stuff.

I think you were bit U, next time I wouldn't buy in bulk, or hide somewhere. Don't put too much guilt into them, it's an easy way to eating disorders. My mum was/is obsessed about food, because I she struggles with this aspect herself and was very controlling about the amount of biscuits etc. me and my sister ate. If she was so concerned, why was she buying any? She was giving this stuff to us and then was throwing shit on us when we overindulged.

Personally, I think the natural consequence here would be they lose out on these "treat" foods till next month. They've eaten it. It's gone. I wouldn't take their money.

Well, if they’re seeing all of those snacks coming in bulk... It’s just too tempting for them! Can it be kept in your wardrobe / a storage cupboard? My friend does that, as her kids would raid the kitchen otherwise.
When we were kids, my mum would buy some nice things (donuts etc) that we’d devour on shopping day. When it was gone it was gone. But if we knew there was more...

We have no 'special' food in our house, they can eat what ever they want whenever they want, i certainly wouldn't call it stealing. Why not get your shopping delivered

I think YABU. Anyone with a whole months worth of treats accessible to children that age has to reasonably assume that said children will one day figure out they can break into the treats and eat their fill.

Who wouldnt?! So yabu and need to change how you shop or where you store treats.

Yabu taking their xmas money. 40 pounds between them isn’t a lot I feel very sorry for them that you’ve done this. A week without treats would have been more than sufficient as doesn’t sound like they get a lot especially if you need to budget to this extent.

Id also look at why they did this other than for the fun of it. Are they bored? We have loads of junk food around the house and aren’t overly strict about it but our kids are out playing or doing other activities almost every day of the week so it’s never been an issue for them. Can’t say the same for me sadly!

Too harsh.
Why are they having to hide their food?
They could do with being full up.
Agree with pp,this seems like changes need to be made about helping themselves to snacks and meal portions.
I would return the money.

If it is not restricted it won't be seen as a treat

OP, to change the narrative here which seems pretty unhelpful - maybe you could think of cheap but more nourishing snacks that could be readily available for your kids - rice cakes, home-made popcorn etc.

It's really not that unusual that kids take sugary food when they can nor that parents don't want them to. It's absolutely par for the course in so many households, was in an episode of Derry Girls etc.

When my DCs are at home and bored, they raid the cupboards too. Most of the time they've something on after school and are pretty happy to just come home and have their dinner like normal. If those activities are cancelled, they graze.

We have no 'special' food in our house, they can eat what ever they want whenever they want

This can't possibly be true. So if you bought a packet of cheesestrings for packed lunches, you wouldn't mind if your kids ate the lot straight away, so there were none left for lunches? Or if you bought a packet of biscuits and your kids ate them half an hour before dinner, then didn't want their meal, you'd be ok with that? If you had a teenager and you bought some steak for dinner, you'd be fine with them eating it mid afternoon, and there's none left for the evening meal, because they can eat what they want, when they want?

Of course not!!

If it is not restricted it won't be seen as a treat

You see, I just don't think that's true. Humans are pre-programmed to eat foods high in sugar and fat. It's a rare kid that will choose to eat fruit instead of chocolate. So it's a parents choice to help them make good food choices, and sometimes that means restricting certain foods. No-one would serve a plate of skittles for dinner! Parents restrict certain foods all the time.

So if you've cooked a hot dinner, but they don't want it cos they ate a whole bag of haribo, some chocolate biscuits and a bag of marshmallows that's fine? You'll just pop it in the bin and buy some more snacks?

I have mixed feelings about this. As there are lots of variables to consider. Are they very active? A poster on the first page mentioned a 12 year old had a ham sandwich (and a few other things for lunch) and therefore couldn’t possibly be hungry when they got home.

A small packed lunch is not going to fill up a growing pre-teen.

For reference I have a 14 year old (slim, sporty). He has a cooked lunch at school and then supper (big cooked meal) at school at around 5. When he gets home he helps himself to - a bowl of cereal, about 2 yoghurts, babybel, often more. Children/pre-teens/teenagers are hungry, they often need to eat more than you think. Especially if they are having tiny lunches.

So rather than have them secretly stealing food I’d have a conversation about having a decent snack when they get in from school- a sandwich, have the babybel, some toast etc.

My tactic is - I don’t but loads of ‘junk’ food. So in the weekly shop there maybe some flapjacks, some chocolate but not loads, pretzels, and when it’s gone, it’s gone. I’d try not to create any issues around food though.

It’s tricky that you need to do a monthly shop. I’d probably just employ the same tactic. Have a conversation about decent snacks. Make sure they have good lunches. When the treats are gone, they’re gone. They’ll need to eat bread and jam or whatever else is left.

I grew up with a rule of no more than
one pack of crisps a day and max one choc biscuit eg kitkat. My mum bought multi packs of crisps for lunches - it’s rude to eat them all so others in family don’t get any. I certainly don’t see it as restricting to have basic rules like that.
People eat food for a whole range of reasons not just hunger. Things like crisps often get eaten as they are an easy option rather than making a sandwich or individual cheeses as can’t be bothered cutting chunk off block.

Budgiegirl, what I mean is, we have plenty of snacks in our house, but my kids aren't big snackers, so no, the snacks don't get eaten, sometimes yes when friends come round, or the grown ups! then I just buy more

I'm not sure why you are stealing their money because 2 wrongs don't make a right. In our house growing up my parents bought treats and once they were gone, they were gone, usually 2 days (family of 5, none of us were fat). My dad was similar and wanted treats to eat in his packed lunch so he hid them, random places. He started putting his kitkats in the freezer and that worked for ages before we found them and ate them from there, so then he resorted to keeping them in the boot of the car, he admitted he did this for years as we never knew they were there, no idea how this worked in summer?! Something we still laugh about 25 plus years on. My parents never stole our money for eating food they bought to eat, they just said once it's gone there's none till next week, fine but I'm still having some now as there'll be none left!

You need to do a weekly shop as a family, once a month is silly. We go at least 3 times a week as a family of 5, we have no weird food rationing in our house though and treats last the week. Different mentality to the house I grew up in, where it was eat it or it's gone!!!

YANBU but stop buying the chocolate and treat food. It's expensive and not particularly good for you, as you know. Don't let fruit be a pumishment food. Keep different kinds of fruit in a bowl that they can help themselves to. If they want "treat food" teach them to make flapjacks, biscuits etc.