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Original poster

Hating life with a puppy

109 replies

LL32 · 21/03/2023 03:37

My partner moved in at the beginning of the year, a month later we bought our first puppy. Neither of us has owned a dog before but were both super excited.

I hate my life now. I was so happy with my partner moving in, it felt so natural and my 12 year DD adjusted well too. Home has always been my favourite place and now I absolutely hate being here. My partner is very active in caring for pup so it’s not like he’s not helping.

We’ve just had a row over pup as he tried to come downstairs and take over because he thought I was getting too angry. This just felt so patronising and obviously hit a nerve because I do feel like the worlds shittest dog owner.

He loves pup and they are best mates, I just feel like the evil puppy hater and I’m jealous of the bond they have. I’ve had 3 hours sleep tonight and I'm currently on the sofa next to pups crate just crying. Someone please tell me it gets better because I’m starting to feel very very dark.

OP posts:
Kaylisa · 21/03/2023 03:48

It 100% gets better

Vegalam · 21/03/2023 03:52

It does get better! What are you struggling with OP?

Original poster
LL32 · 21/03/2023 03:58

I’m just gobsmacked at the emotional toll it’s taking. I find the screech type barking really hard and I don’t have a huge amount of patience. My partner does though so I just feel so inferior.

I’m ok with the chewing/nipping and all the other typical puppy stuff. The sleep thing is starting to take its toll which exacerbates the emotional mess.

I wasn’t a great mum to my daughter when she was born and it’s triggering that exact same guilt. I knew it would be hard I just didn’t expect it to make me miserable and resentful

OP posts:
stayathomer · 21/03/2023 04:03

It honestly honestly gets better and I think people hide this bit- the ‘mouthing’ (nipping and biting!), the grabbing of things and trying to tear them apart, the trying to dash out the door when you’re just trying to get from one room to another. They’re little out of control toddlers and so cute but with all the craziness you forget they’re just babies. What helped so much (if this is your issue) for me was a book called easy peasy puppy squeezey, and some puppy training classes, which taught us to have a teddy nearby to hand over when he got bites and always have some treats (chopped up ham or chicken or tiny dog trays on hand). It also reminded me that your goal is to enjoy your puppy and make his life as exciting as he assumes it is. Best of best of luck- everyone I know who’s had a puppy has been where you are xxxxxxx

stayathomer · 21/03/2023 04:04

(Sorry I write as you were writing, hopefully someone can help with the barking and the sleep). We don’t crate our little man, he’s in the kitchen, is that an option?

remotecontrolleddog · 21/03/2023 04:12

It gets better - the kids thought I was going to leave my puppy back to the breeders at 5 months, of course I wasn’t but it was all a bit overwhelming and I needed a break - some me time away from puppy. Puppy is now a dog and we adore him.

SupplyIsLimited · 21/03/2023 04:22

Yes, it does get better. They go through some challenging phases, but eventually it passes. Having a puppy is so much harder than having an adult dog. They're adorable, but they can bring you to your knees.

If your partner is better at not stressing over the barking at night, maybe some nights he would agree to be the one to deal with any barking so you can wear earplugs and try to ignore the barking.

Justmemyselfandi999 · 21/03/2023 04:35

I pup is shrieking and crying then something isn't right. I've raised more pups than I can remember, none have been left to get distressed. If pup is crying in the crate then crate training hasn't been done properly, and I'd suggest not shutting the door and starting again to build a positive association. Personally, I'd sleep on the sofa with pup nearby, but each to their own.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/03/2023 04:44

Puppies shouldn't be left to cry, if you've been told to do so or you've been told that if you sleep next to the puppy you'll cause problems, ignore this, its bullshit and it will make both you and the puppy feel much much worse.

You ALL need decent sleep - you can sort out teaching the puppy to sleep in a closed crate somewhere else later on, when they're secure and confident, but right now... you just all need sleep so do whatever is necessary, whether thats you on the sofa by the puppy, puppy up beside your bed or in your bed or in a soft crate on your bed, whatever reduces and ideally, removes, you and your puppies distress.

Puppies trigger us to produce oxytocin and this can really do a number on our brains making us feel unexpectedly emotional, particularly after the high of the excitement and anticipation of planning the puppy and going to get the puppy... lots of people experience this but don't realise what it is and think its just them, it REALLY isn't.

If you need further support, I highly recommend the puppy training app Zigzag - it has a free trial so you don't have to commit straight away, but it will give you access to sensible advice, week by week lessons/stuff to do AND... 24 hour access to qualified, experienced trainers either by live chat or over the phone (no extra cost, and if you cancel the free trial before the end, no cost at all!). Often simply being able to talk to someone in real time can really help.

Autienotnautie · 21/03/2023 05:09

I'd definitely crate train. Our dog is so much more relaxed in the crate. Lots of chew toys, plenty of walks. Regular treat lead training. It just takes time. But yes it can feels awful. We have a lab and the first year I cried most days . Gradually he's got better, he's now just over two and lovely. And labs are one of the more mental breeds. Have you done puppy classes? I'd pick one that focus on reward. Any mention of crate as punishment, being left to cry or shaking a bottle of pebbles, run a mile! When ours was coming up one we saw a behaviouralist who really helped but I would say see how you go first. The bad owners are those who don't care about the dog and you clearly do. It's also great your partner is so good , try to follow his lead but also make sure you have somewhere to vent when it's getting on top of you.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/03/2023 05:17

Crate training is really useful and all dogs should learn that the crate is a nice place, it's ok to be in there etc etc... but this takes time, it won't happen overnight and isn't useful for the OP right at this minute.

Some puppies will take quite a long time to be ok crated with either the door shut and someone in sight, or the door shut and no one around, and for many, if they're ok in a crate in your room at night, it doesn't automatically follow that they're ok crated in the day.

NameChangeFor2023 · 21/03/2023 07:28

It will likely get worse soon, with biting and hyperactivity (although if your partner is around enough, hopefully will be ok as they can play, I was pregnant and unable to garner the energy)

But then it gets better.

So much better.

I say this laying in bed, with my pup snuggled up at the foot of it. I much prefer when he comes up to the top bit, though. But he is usually too independent for that.

I wouldn't be without him. Even when he was a scary little crazy thing that scared me and I had to shut in rooms/put in cage to protect myself.

finalwhistle · 21/03/2023 07:35

Honestly puppies are wild little buggers when you first have them, it takes weeks/months to turn them into something reasonable.

Find some online support with crate training (this saved my sanity as pups do need more rest than you think, and enforcing proper crate naps means both you and the puppy get time out)

halloumi1 · 21/03/2023 07:37

I second Easy Peasy Puppy Squeezy!

It does get better and that’s from someone who had a puppy and a 9 month old baby at the same time.

We have 2 dogs and each time we had them sleeping in the crate next to us in our bedroom until they got a bit bigger. Never caused any problems and when the time came to graduate downstairs, they acted impeccably with no issues of crying/howling etc.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, do what you have to do to get some sleep but I can absolutely advocate for little bits of training in short bursts now to direct pup’s energy and to help you bond.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/03/2023 07:41

What do you mean by screech type barking?

Are you both leaving the puppy alone to cry and scream?

SlashBeef · 21/03/2023 07:45

Oh god puppy days are rough. I no longer get excited when friends tell me they're getting a puppy because I just know I wouldn't want the weeks of chaos involved. It does get better OP. You're tired which makes everything ten times worse. Our dog is 5 now and a complete joy but you couldn't pay me to go back to puphood. Just be reassured that if you put in the work now you'll have a brilliant dog soon. Hand over to DP when you can and get some sleep. Everything is better with some sleep!

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 21/03/2023 07:49

I’m in the thick of it too OP, so I sympathise.

We had the crate in our room from day 1, so she slept in with us close by. The crate has now moved into the hallway, but if she sits at the front of it, she can still see me in bed.

Sleep is too important, and they are just babies.

There’s lots and lots of frustrating aspects right now (toilet raining is so, so slow - she’s nearly three months and we’re still having accidents every day). But she’s our second pup and I am more chilled because I know it does eventually get better.

I wasn’t this chilled with our first though, so I really do sympathise. It’s so hard to keep the faith when you don’t have anything (any past experience) to fall back on.

I’m going to be honest - I never truly bonded with our first dog. I like her, but I don’t love her in the way that so many dog owners talk about. I was always first up in the morning and was always, always met with an accident from overnight that I had to clean up. She destroyed some precious items (including our wedding album), and I resented her. She is very much DH’s dog.

This time round it is different, and I am giving our old dog lots of cuddles to try to compensate.

Just trying to say - I get it.

Devoutspoken · 21/03/2023 07:50

I wouldn't be jealous of the bond they have either, it will eventually mean you are freer

londonrach · 21/03/2023 07:51

It does get better. My Dsis has the perfect dog in behaviour at just over a year now but weeks after they got him they thought of rehoming him. They put the time in training him. He honestly makes the home now. He very loved from day one it was just the shock of a puppy and lack of sleep and they done alot of research and waited two years for the right breeder who breed vvvv rarely.

Wednesdayonline · 21/03/2023 07:53

It gets way better. I don't think I really loved our dog until she was a few months old and things had settled down. Now she's 2 and I couldn't imagine being without her. As with other big changes, it takes time to adjust.

GuyFawkesDay · 21/03/2023 07:56

There's a reason puppies are cute. It's because they're needle toothed little gits.

Bitey furry toddlers. The puppy blues are real. I promise it does get better!!

Chocolatetadpole · 21/03/2023 07:56

Ah I remember this, we ditched the crate and brought her to our room as she really disliked it. Our dog is 8 now and she sleeps on the floor of our room all night, isn't disruptive and can be left with pretty much the run of the house when we're out. I know it works for a lot of people but crate training just didn't for us.

I remember my brother sleeping downstairs with his pup and he was exhausted compared it to having his newborn baby. Could your partner just continue with doing the bulk of the training so you get a rest especially if he feels more tolerant and patient?

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 21/03/2023 08:02

I felt just the same and cried that I had ruined my life! Dog is now nearly 1 and things are so much better. We ditched the crate because the howling he did in it made me feel horrendous and he sleeps in our room now. He was on the bed for a bit, but now sleeps on his bed on the floor. I love him so much but I don't think I will ever stop feeling anxious about him!

LakieLady · 21/03/2023 08:07

Are you my neighbour? If so, I hate you having a puppy too, and I think it's fucking disgusting when you leave it to cry for hours late at night and in the early hours of the morning.

I never left either of my puppies to cry during the night out of consideration for my neighbours. I'd get up for them, get them out of their crate, and sit with them on my lap until they dozed off again, whereupon I would pop them back in the crate.

Both of them were sleeping through the night after a couple of weeks, although one had a bit of a relapse at approx 5 months.

Riverlee · 21/03/2023 08:08

Come and join us in the ‘Puppy survival thread’ in Doghouse (under Pets) for mutual support (only criteria, provide a picture of said puppy). Puppy blues are a real thing. Mine is eight months old and is one of the most stressful things we’ve done. He is easier than he was, but still I don’t feel we’ve cracked it.

Have you started doing puppy classes yet? They’ll help. Also, make sure everyone in the household has the same approach - that’s been one of the hardest things for us.