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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Altercation with husband

108 replies

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 18:51

Name change but I am a regular on here. Myself and H are getting the garden done up. It isn't a massive space but we agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back.

Today I was looking at hot tubs and saw a fairly decent one for an affordable price. I have wanted a hot tub in my garden for about 20 years. Anyway I mentioned it to H and he went bananas. He said there wouldn't be room etc etc. I said I'm sure we can squeeze it in and that I'd wanted it for years. He isn't talking to me now as he said it would take over the whole garden and people would see us in it. Quite frankly I don't care who sees me and I geneuinely don't think the neighbours will be that interested.

So as not to drip feed, our marriage is fairly rocky most of the time and he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger. I can't believe I am considering this to be the final straw but I have had enough of his moods. AIBU?

OP posts:
RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 18:58

You agreed on pergola and office and now you are badgering him about a tacky hot tub and yet HE is the unreasonable one?

HilaryBriss · 20/03/2023 19:04

I wouldn't want a hot tub in my garden either, so I'm with your husband on that one. But I don't think that's really the issue here, is it?

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:05

RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 18:58

You agreed on pergola and office and now you are badgering him about a tacky hot tub and yet HE is the unreasonable one?

What do you mean badgering? I have the money to pay for it myself and while you might think they are tacky I genuinely love them. A hot tub has been mentioned quite a bit over the years and he always reacts in the same way. The garden office is for him and will come from joint savings and cost way more so I feel I should be able to pick something I'd like too

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:06

HilaryBriss · 20/03/2023 19:04

I wouldn't want a hot tub in my garden either, so I'm with your husband on that one. But I don't think that's really the issue here, is it?

Yes - you are correct. It isn't really the issue at all. It's the rigity, anger and lack of compromise that is the issue

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:07

rigidity

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 20/03/2023 19:10

I can’t comment on other issues in your marriage as there seem to be some based on your post but on this occasion, you said you both agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back and that’s what you’re doing. At the moment, both of you have not agreed on the hot tub simple as

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:13

he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger

So he's regularly reactive in this way? Like a teenager? Storming off and 'not speaking to you'?

Drumminganimal · 20/03/2023 19:13

I'm with your husband on this too. Hell would freeze over before I would agree to a hot tube in the garden however much my DP loved it (they wouldn't). Compromise is about finding things you both like or at least one of you doesn't hate.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:14

Tohaveandtohold · 20/03/2023 19:10

I can’t comment on other issues in your marriage as there seem to be some based on your post but on this occasion, you said you both agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back and that’s what you’re doing. At the moment, both of you have not agreed on the hot tub simple as

Thanks for your honesty. I suppose I have mentioned it on and off over the years and it is always dismissed and he gets angry. I think it's a marriage issue rather than a hot tub issue.

OP posts:
RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 19:14

@Hottub77
Badgering - going on about something which you've said that you have done. I could have said "rigidity and lack of compromise "

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:15

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:13

he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger

So he's regularly reactive in this way? Like a teenager? Storming off and 'not speaking to you'?

Yes - very reactive and very quick to anger

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:16

And is he ok with being like that? No effort to do anything about it? Even though you've talked to him about it when the two of you were calm?

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:17

RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 19:14

@Hottub77
Badgering - going on about something which you've said that you have done. I could have said "rigidity and lack of compromise "

I mentioned it once today. Said I would love to get one and showed him a photo. He blew up in anger immediately. I hardly think that is badgering.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2023 19:17

He wants a garden office and it's joint. You want a hot tub and it's not.

The issue is equity, not hot tubs.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 19:17

Sometimes after years of giving in and comprising unfairly against your own wants and needs for your spouse things like this are the straw that breaks the camels back.

I don't think YABU at all, if he has an anger problem and refuses to address it he won't change now, imagine leaving him and having a garden and home the way you like it without having to walk on egg shells constantly.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:18

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:16

And is he ok with being like that? No effort to do anything about it? Even though you've talked to him about it when the two of you were calm?

He blames it on his ADHD but hasn't done anything to tackle the anger issues

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:21

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 19:17

Sometimes after years of giving in and comprising unfairly against your own wants and needs for your spouse things like this are the straw that breaks the camels back.

I don't think YABU at all, if he has an anger problem and refuses to address it he won't change now, imagine leaving him and having a garden and home the way you like it without having to walk on egg shells constantly.

Yes - I do feel I have pushed my feelings aside a lot over the years. It's more than we can't even have a discussion without him blowing his top. There is no agreement or compromise. He just shouts and gets his own way

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:21

OK. So then it's about whether you want to put up with it, rather than him sorting it out. You know you're not being unreasonable, because you know it's about more than the hot tub. You're not asking if you're being unreasonable, are you: you're looking for a bit of support, some validation, for people to agree with you that he's difficult and that it must be hard for you. Is that right?

I mean, it does sound like it's hard for you; does it feel good to hear that from an external source?

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:24

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:21

OK. So then it's about whether you want to put up with it, rather than him sorting it out. You know you're not being unreasonable, because you know it's about more than the hot tub. You're not asking if you're being unreasonable, are you: you're looking for a bit of support, some validation, for people to agree with you that he's difficult and that it must be hard for you. Is that right?

I mean, it does sound like it's hard for you; does it feel good to hear that from an external source?

Not really. I don't seek external validation anymore. I was just frustrated and venting. I know the anger is unreasonable. I just wanted to air my thoughts on paper. In real life I have a lot of supportive friends that I can chat to. Sometimes it's good to have a vent

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 19:26

What would happen if you just bought the hot tub op, I mean, it is your garden as well.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:27

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:21

OK. So then it's about whether you want to put up with it, rather than him sorting it out. You know you're not being unreasonable, because you know it's about more than the hot tub. You're not asking if you're being unreasonable, are you: you're looking for a bit of support, some validation, for people to agree with you that he's difficult and that it must be hard for you. Is that right?

I mean, it does sound like it's hard for you; does it feel good to hear that from an external source?

I'm not quite sure how to take the tone of your message. I am assuming you aren't being sarcastic.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:29

Not sarcastic at all, @Hottub77 Just sounds crappy for you and I was trying to work out where you were coming from. I wondered if he's been doing this for years and you've ended up feeling unheard and miserable, and that was why you're here. Obviously I'm barking up the wrong tree; glad to hear you have some real life support. I didn't mean to be ambiguous in tone, sorry.

RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 19:29

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:17

I mentioned it once today. Said I would love to get one and showed him a photo. He blew up in anger immediately. I hardly think that is badgering.

Show quote history

"I suppose I have mentioned it on and off over the years"

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:31

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 19:26

What would happen if you just bought the hot tub op, I mean, it is your garden as well.

He would have a full blown adult tantrum

OP posts:
ConcordeOoter · 20/03/2023 19:32

YABU hot tubs can fuck to the far end of off and if anyone wanted to put one in my garden I would show them the door 😂

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