Altercation with husband

[Hottub77]

Name change but I am a regular on here. Myself and H are getting the garden done up. It isn't a massive space but we agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back.

Today I was looking at hot tubs and saw a fairly decent one for an affordable price. I have wanted a hot tub in my garden for about 20 years. Anyway I mentioned it to H and he went bananas. He said there wouldn't be room etc etc. I said I'm sure we can squeeze it in and that I'd wanted it for years. He isn't talking to me now as he said it would take over the whole garden and people would see us in it. Quite frankly I don't care who sees me and I geneuinely don't think the neighbours will be that interested.

So as not to drip feed, our marriage is fairly rocky most of the time and he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger. I can't believe I am considering this to be the final straw but I have had enough of his moods. AIBU?

There is nowhere else to go with it. I have tried. I have tried for over 20 years. I am not perfect either but any issues I've had I have dealt with and got help.

No I wouldn't be cleaning it!

I never understand why women marry dickheads 🤷🏻‍♀️. Hence why I’ve never married I won’t tolerate that shit.

Well done for having such solid boundaries. Mine weren't great and hence my predicament

I would have anger issues if my other half kept bringing up the topic of hot tubs. I loath them.

That's good then.

You only get one life and this is no way to live.

He's this way because he wants to be and it suits him. There's no reason for him to change as he sees himself and his wants as much more important than you.

You deserve better and it's really ok to end the marriage.

Thanks. I have ended it before and he makes me feel like I haven't tried or put in enough effort.

Pull out of the garden office, tell him the house is going on the market instead.

Let this be the last straw which means you reclaim your life and stop treading on eggshells!

Thanks. Yes I need to do this

This has nothing to do with the hot tub, not really!

Find your stubborn streak

"It's over, I'm not prepared to try anymore. I'm filing for divorce"

Grey rock - he insults and blames you, doesn't matter, let him.

I need to develop a stubborn streak I think. He definitely doesn't think I will go through with it

@Hottub77 you've tried making this marriage work for 20 years, I think you can safely bail out with your head held high knowing you've put the work in. Unfortunately it takes 2 to make a relationship and he hasn't done his part. Time is the most precious thing we have, so don't give him more of your life whilst he continues to prove he won't work on his anger issues.

You missed out the Parr where he's giving OP the silent treatment over a reasonable even if unilateral proposal.

Can you afford to run it, with the increase in electricity. Have you thought of all it involves.

He has a point if it takes up the whole garden and your overlooked.

Will you be tending to it, cleaning it and emptying it etc or will you expect him too.

Have you costed it all out and the running cost?

Why are you choosing to live this way? That's the only question that really matters.

We had one
The bills were astronomical
Wouldn't have one again

@Hottub77 The amount of patronising & condescending replies you’ve had on your post is vile.

It’s crazy how one post can be twisted & turned into something you never even said. I’d go as far as saying some of the comments on here are almost gaslighting purely to make you trip up on your own post trying to “Catch you out” & make you look like a liar or something. Absolute weirdos. Ignore them.

Anyway, whilst I don’t have a Hot Tub & probably won’t get one, I think your husband flipping over a suggestion of getting one is a bit extreme. If he’s very rigid & never compromises then you have my sympathy. It’s basically his way or the high way. What makes one person happy, might not make another person happy & if a Hot Tub makes you happy I really can’t see the issue with getting one.

I’m sure your issues run deeper than just a Hot Tub but it sounds like this is like the straw that broke the camels back for you. The only thing you can do is try to talk to him about how there’s never any compromise & that you’re fed up with it. If that doesn’t work I really don’t know what else would other than separation. Which is obviously extreme but if you don’t see a way forward then you’ll only be living by his rules for the rest of your life.

Anyway, whatever you do, I hope you get your Hot Tub. Good luck x

I rarely loose it but someone trying to control me like that would be like a red rag to a bull. I'm lucky my dh indulges my adhd whims.

Going bananas and not talking isn't going to help your relationship. I'm getting the distinct impression you're flogging a dead horse. Going from previous posts I'd drop the hottub and hold fire on the office until you've decided what's happening with your marriage. It may be in the next 6 months your house will be on the market.

If you are paying for it and there is room why not get one? He doesn't have to use it and if you do all the cleaning and maintenance not his problem. You might find it a pain after a while though.

This thread is batshit. Abusive angry husband and all some posters can think is yeah I’d be abusive over a hot tub too. You couldn’t make it up.

I also dislike hot tubs and find them really tacky but blowing up in anger is not acceptable . If my husband wanted one and he was going to pay and maintain it, then as long as it was tucked away and not in front of my living room window he could crack on.

I mean I can’t lie. Sitting there is a hot tub in view of your neighbours is one of the cringiest things out there, but if you’re good with it and really want one and can afford it, then just tell him you’re getting one.

I'm married to someone with ADHD, they are quick to anger and not always willing to compromise.
I vary between very occasionally taking a hard line, and allowing them the peace their condition needs to avoid outbursts.

I don't stress what people here say about should I put up with it, I am more than happy in my marriage and don't care if some people think some aspects aren't perfect or should be dealt with differently. If I were you I would take a lot of the comments with a large pinch of salt.

The compromise here is probably to try and make the thing somehow discrete as your husband is clearly self conscious about the whole thing, hence the outbursts and outright rigidity over the years.
I'm sure your husband wishes they could communicate their feelings clearer and in less anger but we are who we are, your job is to somehow ease the information out, perhaps with suggestions such as, what if it was more out of sight (or whatever).

If you want a hot tub, just buy the fucking thing. What's he going to do about it?