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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Altercation with husband

108 replies

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 18:51

Name change but I am a regular on here. Myself and H are getting the garden done up. It isn't a massive space but we agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back.

Today I was looking at hot tubs and saw a fairly decent one for an affordable price. I have wanted a hot tub in my garden for about 20 years. Anyway I mentioned it to H and he went bananas. He said there wouldn't be room etc etc. I said I'm sure we can squeeze it in and that I'd wanted it for years. He isn't talking to me now as he said it would take over the whole garden and people would see us in it. Quite frankly I don't care who sees me and I geneuinely don't think the neighbours will be that interested.

So as not to drip feed, our marriage is fairly rocky most of the time and he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger. I can't believe I am considering this to be the final straw but I have had enough of his moods. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:52

Olivia199 · 20/03/2023 19:49

Hot tub aside (agree that it's tacky but also agree that I somewhat fantasise about sinking into one of an evening with a glass of wine after a long day...), this is more than that.

It sounds like you're just a bit done. In this sort of relationship, where tiny things can become rages and rocky roads are increasingly unstable, it tends to be the small stuff that makes you stop and think "what the f*".

I'm sorry things have been tough and I hope that you get a bit of time to process it all. Maybe it's time for you to walk away and have your own damn garden. Or maybe it's time to more seriously consider the fundamental cracks in the relationship and tackle those together.

Either way, time and space to think sounds like a good idea. Do you want to push for therapy/discussion/a "we need to fix this or I'm out". Or are you just tired of banging your head against that particular wall and need gone?

Thanks Olivia199 for your wise words. We've had the therapy and change the behaviour conversations and nothing happens. I think I'm done

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:53

Lovingmynewbicycle · 20/03/2023 19:50

Why are you faffing around with the garden and home improvement stuff when it would probably be wiser to invest in a divorce lawyer?

I keep thinking things will get better.

OP posts:
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 19:54

I have definitely changed my mind about your unreasonableness, @Hottub77. If I were you, I would bin him and have your own hot tub in your own garden. I'm assuming you don't have children with him - but even if you do, there is much to be said for being the captain of your own ship.

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:54

I keep thinking things will get better

That's what I was getting at, above, when I said you need to decide if you want to put up with it. Not doing sounds good!

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:55

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 19:54

I have definitely changed my mind about your unreasonableness, @Hottub77. If I were you, I would bin him and have your own hot tub in your own garden. I'm assuming you don't have children with him - but even if you do, there is much to be said for being the captain of your own ship.

I have kids with him. I don't mind being captain of my own ship. I do worry about the kids and keep thinking things will get better.

OP posts:
romdowa · 20/03/2023 19:55

I'd buy the hot tub and refuse to pay towards the office for him but I've adhd too and I'd probably out do him on the blowing up scale. While sitting in my new hot tub 🤣🤣

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:56

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:54

I keep thinking things will get better

That's what I was getting at, above, when I said you need to decide if you want to put up with it. Not doing sounds good!

I am working with a counsellor on this and my boundaries. I don't want this indefinitely

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 20/03/2023 19:56

Whether you get a hot tub or not is beside the point. The issue is that you cannot have a discussion without anger and since relationships rely on compromise, that is a really bad sign.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:56

romdowa · 20/03/2023 19:55

I'd buy the hot tub and refuse to pay towards the office for him but I've adhd too and I'd probably out do him on the blowing up scale. While sitting in my new hot tub 🤣🤣

😂😂

OP posts:
Pubesofsoberness · 20/03/2023 19:56

He's not going to change, get a hot tub and lose the husband

Sensibletrousers · 20/03/2023 19:57

@Hottub77 You are allowed to divorce a man who, despite years of hoping and effort on your part, you find impossible to live with and who would continue make the rest of your life miserable if you stayed married to him because - and trust us on this - he will not change ever!

If you need permission, consider this permission!

Start daydreaming about the air lifting, the tension evaporating, the freedom you’d feel, and all the mental energy that you’ve been wasting all these years by treading on eggshells could be put to much better use PLEASING YOURSELF, meeting your own needs and having peace of mind!

Enough now! Get thee to a solicitor! 💪

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:57

Atethehalloweenchocs · 20/03/2023 19:56

Whether you get a hot tub or not is beside the point. The issue is that you cannot have a discussion without anger and since relationships rely on compromise, that is a really bad sign.

Yes - it's just constant anger, negativity and it's draining

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:58

Sensibletrousers · 20/03/2023 19:57

@Hottub77 You are allowed to divorce a man who, despite years of hoping and effort on your part, you find impossible to live with and who would continue make the rest of your life miserable if you stayed married to him because - and trust us on this - he will not change ever!

If you need permission, consider this permission!

Start daydreaming about the air lifting, the tension evaporating, the freedom you’d feel, and all the mental energy that you’ve been wasting all these years by treading on eggshells could be put to much better use PLEASING YOURSELF, meeting your own needs and having peace of mind!

Enough now! Get thee to a solicitor! 💪

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that

OP posts:
Sensibletrousers · 20/03/2023 20:01

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:58

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that

Show quote history

Good! I meant every word!
Also, as a child of divorce (in the 80s), I loved my dad but vividly remember how light the air felt the day he left. The atmosphere changed and I could breathe again. You’re doing them no favours by staying with him - he can still be their dad, only you’ll no longer have to live miserably and their home environment will be much more pleasant.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2023 20:02

Save your half of the joint savings for a lawyer. DON'T buy him an office with one foot out the door. You will be so pissed off if you separate and he has the bloody thing.

Ponderoveryonder · 20/03/2023 20:04

It’s a bit naff. Can you buy yourself a membership to a nice gym / spa instead?
That said, your husband is not your boss and marriage is about compromise…..

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 20:06

Ponderoveryonder · 20/03/2023 20:04

It’s a bit naff. Can you buy yourself a membership to a nice gym / spa instead?
That said, your husband is not your boss and marriage is about compromise…..

I don't want membership to a gym. And I don't mind that people think they are naff. I like them.

OP posts:
FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 20:09

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:55

I have kids with him. I don't mind being captain of my own ship. I do worry about the kids and keep thinking things will get better.

Show quote history

Understood. Been there, done that. And it does get better.

Capricornone1 · 20/03/2023 20:10

The hot tub is a red herring there is a bigger issue here. Has DH always been this way?

emptythelitterbox · 20/03/2023 20:10

romdowa · 20/03/2023 19:55

I'd buy the hot tub and refuse to pay towards the office for him but I've adhd too and I'd probably out do him on the blowing up scale. While sitting in my new hot tub 🤣🤣

I love you!
I'd do the same thing and have an even bigger tantrum beyond imagination. Grin

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 20:13

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 20:09

Understood. Been there, done that. And it does get better.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
Olivia199 · 20/03/2023 20:13

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:52

Thanks Olivia199 for your wise words. We've had the therapy and change the behaviour conversations and nothing happens. I think I'm done

Show quote history

I'm so sorry, it's so so hard but honestly? I think this might just be the straw. It has bugger all to do with the hot tub at this point. It's just another flare up over nothing. I've seen further down that you've got kids - I know you worry for them, and I know it's so much harder like this but truly? They'll thrive not being in this rocky road environment. They're intuitive things and will absolutely pick up on tension (especially when said tension isn't quiet because he's losing his shit over nothing). Teach them to not put up with bullshit. You've tried, it hasn't worked. What else is there?

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 20:14

Capricornone1 · 20/03/2023 20:10

The hot tub is a red herring there is a bigger issue here. Has DH always been this way?

Yes - he's always been like this but I overlooked it and thought things would always get better

OP posts:
Ponderoveryonder · 20/03/2023 20:14

Fair enough! Then order it and enjoy!

emptythelitterbox · 20/03/2023 20:14

It's early week, get yourself a consultation with a divorce lawyer just to find out your rights.

Have a bit of a fantasy of living in your own place, done of how you like and without his sour angry presence there.

Fuck his home office for him. He can pay for all of it.
Does he expect you to clean it?

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