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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Altercation with husband

108 replies

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 18:51

Name change but I am a regular on here. Myself and H are getting the garden done up. It isn't a massive space but we agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back.

Today I was looking at hot tubs and saw a fairly decent one for an affordable price. I have wanted a hot tub in my garden for about 20 years. Anyway I mentioned it to H and he went bananas. He said there wouldn't be room etc etc. I said I'm sure we can squeeze it in and that I'd wanted it for years. He isn't talking to me now as he said it would take over the whole garden and people would see us in it. Quite frankly I don't care who sees me and I geneuinely don't think the neighbours will be that interested.

So as not to drip feed, our marriage is fairly rocky most of the time and he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger. I can't believe I am considering this to be the final straw but I have had enough of his moods. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:32

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:29

Not sarcastic at all, @Hottub77 Just sounds crappy for you and I was trying to work out where you were coming from. I wondered if he's been doing this for years and you've ended up feeling unheard and miserable, and that was why you're here. Obviously I'm barking up the wrong tree; glad to hear you have some real life support. I didn't mean to be ambiguous in tone, sorry.

Apologies I just wasn't sure of the tone. Yeah it is crappy

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:34

ConcordeOoter · 20/03/2023 19:32

YABU hot tubs can fuck to the far end of off and if anyone wanted to put one in my garden I would show them the door 😂

😂I know they are tacky and I'm not tacky in general but I genuinely love them!

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 20/03/2023 19:35

Urgh communal sex ponds are revolting, but his behaviour sounds far from ideal too

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 19:35

I'd be sick of him and not being able to have things I wanted.
I'd have to get it and let him have his childish tantrum or leave and get my own garden with my own hot tub.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:36

RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 19:29

"I suppose I have mentioned it on and off over the years"

Show quote history

Okay then. I didn't realise that you could never mention something more than once if your partner doesn't agree with it.

OP posts:
Lesvacances · 20/03/2023 19:37

Don’t buy the hot tub yet op.
Wait until you have your own garden.

Seriously don’t accept his nasty behaviour, he’s not your boss.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:38

TomatoSandwiches · 20/03/2023 19:35

I'd be sick of him and not being able to have things I wanted.
I'd have to get it and let him have his childish tantrum or leave and get my own garden with my own hot tub.

I wasn't even forceful with my opinion today. I just mentioned it. For him its more a case of thinking all the neighbours are watching him than an absolute detest of the thing. For him it's all about having a show garden

OP posts:
RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 19:38

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:36

Okay then. I didn't realise that you could never mention something more than once if your partner doesn't agree with it.

Show quote history

I get that you're only here for validation so I'll be off, but maybe if you could stop changing your story

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:38

Lesvacances · 20/03/2023 19:37

Don’t buy the hot tub yet op.
Wait until you have your own garden.

Seriously don’t accept his nasty behaviour, he’s not your boss.

I think you're right. The constant walking on eggshells just isn't worth it

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:39

Greensleevevssnotnose · 20/03/2023 19:35

Urgh communal sex ponds are revolting, but his behaviour sounds far from ideal too

It's not a communal sex pond unless it's communal. This would be in OP's home. Why all the judgement, anyway? It is legal to want a hot tub.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 20/03/2023 19:40

Missing the point here really but a hot tub costs a fuck ton to run OP.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:41

RiktheButler · 20/03/2023 19:38

I get that you're only here for validation so I'll be off, but maybe if you could stop changing your story

Show quote history

It's not a police interview Rik! I respect that other people have said IBU and am listening to it and taking it in. I'm just glad I'm not vulnerable as you've had nothing constructive to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:42

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 20/03/2023 19:40

Missing the point here really but a hot tub costs a fuck ton to run OP.

I know. And I know they are impractical and tacky. But I love them!

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 20/03/2023 19:43

I also love a hot tub, I just wouldn't we willing to pay £100 just to run a hot tub 😂

Get one of you want one, what he gonna do? Cry?

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 20/03/2023 19:44

To pay £100 a month *

Ofcourseshecan · 20/03/2023 19:44

You don’t have to justify wanting a hot tub or anything else, OP. More importantly, your husband sounds like a lifelong bully. Are you really going to put up with his tantrums for the rest of your life? There’s a chance he could learn to behave decently through counselling. But I doubt if he would do it. Wouldn’t you be happier without him?

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:45

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 20/03/2023 19:43

I also love a hot tub, I just wouldn't we willing to pay £100 just to run a hot tub 😂

Get one of you want one, what he gonna do? Cry?

I feel like wanting a hot tub is taboo on here! Yep - I could get one if I really want it but it's not worth the hassle or anger tbh

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 20/03/2023 19:46

I would buy the hot tub and whilst relaxing in it tell him to stick his temper where the sun doesn't shine.

(please only do this if you are not in dzanger)

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 19:46

Hmm...

I was thinking YABU on the basis that you expected your husband to be a mind-reader and to know that a joint decision to build a shed garden office and a pergola also meant that you got to build the sex pond that you've always longed for.

However, I'm now thinking that HeIBU on the basis that ADHD is no reason to take out anger on other people. I have ADHD and am preternaturally good natured IRL. I last got angry in about 1992. In fact, I'd probably because I'd be the one saying "ooh, let's have a sex pond too", because in for a penny, in for a pound and so on.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:47

Ofcourseshecan · 20/03/2023 19:44

You don’t have to justify wanting a hot tub or anything else, OP. More importantly, your husband sounds like a lifelong bully. Are you really going to put up with his tantrums for the rest of your life? There’s a chance he could learn to behave decently through counselling. But I doubt if he would do it. Wouldn’t you be happier without him?

Yeah I would be happier. I keep thinking he is going to change and then he doesn't. He has gone to counselling but he is very good at keeping the chat at surface level so it doesn't work for him. He refuses meds which is his choice but IMO he needs something to calm him (and no I haven't said that to him in mnay years). I have attended my own counsellor and am working on building myself up to go. I just keep thinking he will change.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 20/03/2023 19:48

Separate, get your own house and then the hot tub, if it matters so much to you.

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:49

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 20/03/2023 19:46

I would buy the hot tub and whilst relaxing in it tell him to stick his temper where the sun doesn't shine.

(please only do this if you are not in dzanger)

I'm not in danger thankfully

OP posts:
Olivia199 · 20/03/2023 19:49

Hot tub aside (agree that it's tacky but also agree that I somewhat fantasise about sinking into one of an evening with a glass of wine after a long day...), this is more than that.

It sounds like you're just a bit done. In this sort of relationship, where tiny things can become rages and rocky roads are increasingly unstable, it tends to be the small stuff that makes you stop and think "what the f*".

I'm sorry things have been tough and I hope that you get a bit of time to process it all. Maybe it's time for you to walk away and have your own damn garden. Or maybe it's time to more seriously consider the fundamental cracks in the relationship and tackle those together.

Either way, time and space to think sounds like a good idea. Do you want to push for therapy/discussion/a "we need to fix this or I'm out". Or are you just tired of banging your head against that particular wall and need gone?

Lovingmynewbicycle · 20/03/2023 19:50

Why are you faffing around with the garden and home improvement stuff when it would probably be wiser to invest in a divorce lawyer?

Original poster
Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 19:51

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 20/03/2023 19:46

Hmm...

I was thinking YABU on the basis that you expected your husband to be a mind-reader and to know that a joint decision to build a shed garden office and a pergola also meant that you got to build the sex pond that you've always longed for.

However, I'm now thinking that HeIBU on the basis that ADHD is no reason to take out anger on other people. I have ADHD and am preternaturally good natured IRL. I last got angry in about 1992. In fact, I'd probably because I'd be the one saying "ooh, let's have a sex pond too", because in for a penny, in for a pound and so on.

No it definitely isn't a reason to take anger out on other people. I know other family members with it and they behave appropriately.

OP posts: