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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Altercation with husband

108 replies

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 18:51

Name change but I am a regular on here. Myself and H are getting the garden done up. It isn't a massive space but we agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back.

Today I was looking at hot tubs and saw a fairly decent one for an affordable price. I have wanted a hot tub in my garden for about 20 years. Anyway I mentioned it to H and he went bananas. He said there wouldn't be room etc etc. I said I'm sure we can squeeze it in and that I'd wanted it for years. He isn't talking to me now as he said it would take over the whole garden and people would see us in it. Quite frankly I don't care who sees me and I geneuinely don't think the neighbours will be that interested.

So as not to drip feed, our marriage is fairly rocky most of the time and he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger. I can't believe I am considering this to be the final straw but I have had enough of his moods. AIBU?

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 20/03/2023 21:24

I hate hot tubs so I’m with your husband on that. However, there’s no way I would be putting up with someone constantly angry & grumpy.

Devoutspoken · 20/03/2023 21:55

He doesn't have to like the hot tub, if it makes you happy, of course he should compromise, what an arse

emptythelitterbox · 20/03/2023 22:22

Thefriendlyone · 20/03/2023 21:18

This thread is batshit. Abusive angry husband and all some posters can think is yeah I’d be abusive over a hot tub too. You couldn’t make it up.

I also dislike hot tubs and find them really tacky but blowing up in anger is not acceptable . If my husband wanted one and he was going to pay and maintain it, then as long as it was tucked away and not in front of my living room window he could crack on.

I mean I can’t lie. Sitting there is a hot tub in view of your neighbours is one of the cringiest things out there, but if you’re good with it and really want one and can afford it, then just tell him you’re getting one.

Agree.I wouldn't care if they wanted one. Nothing to be nasty, angry, and silent treatment over.

I wouldn't mind having a small one as they are great for tried muscles. It'd have to have a privacy fence around it.

Olivia199 · 20/03/2023 23:00

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 20:15

There is nowhere else to go with it. I have tried. I have tried for over 20 years. I am not perfect either but any issues I've had I have dealt with and got help.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry and sending all the strength to you to get through this. The other side of this is out there and it'll be glorious. You've got this.

MeinKraft · 20/03/2023 23:05

He sounds like a pain in the arse. LTB and get yourself a hot tub!

SophiaLaB · 20/03/2023 23:13

I find the MN attitude to hot tubs hilarious. ‘Tacky’ ‘sexy’ etc etc. we have a hot tub and I love it. TBF we live completely in a rural area so nobody for several fields. DH has a history of #neck #legs etc etc due to sporting accidents. I have a back injury (again sports related). Ours is a godsend when injuries flare up. Twisted my back SJ during the week and it has been a massive help. Equally I love it even more for evenings where I pour a gin and we stick Netflix on. Just go ahead and buy the tub. Let him suck it up.

Festivfrenzy · 23/03/2023 23:38

Hottub77 · 20/03/2023 18:51

Name change but I am a regular on here. Myself and H are getting the garden done up. It isn't a massive space but we agreed to put a pergola and garden office down the back.

Today I was looking at hot tubs and saw a fairly decent one for an affordable price. I have wanted a hot tub in my garden for about 20 years. Anyway I mentioned it to H and he went bananas. He said there wouldn't be room etc etc. I said I'm sure we can squeeze it in and that I'd wanted it for years. He isn't talking to me now as he said it would take over the whole garden and people would see us in it. Quite frankly I don't care who sees me and I geneuinely don't think the neighbours will be that interested.

So as not to drip feed, our marriage is fairly rocky most of the time and he has refused to change his behaviour or take medication that will help his anger. I can't believe I am considering this to be the final straw but I have had enough of his moods. AIBU?

How's it going now OP? I have a DH who sounds v similar- prone to tantrums out of the blue and knee jerks "no" to every suggestion. However he does then reflect, might change his mind or apologise for crap angry spiteful behaviour which is comforting and reassuring that he recognises it and is big enough to own it.
I've been where you are loads of times but my kids are still young - late primary years - and he's mostly great with them so there's a lot to lose if we split up. Plus he's hands on with housework and after years of not getting involved with the kids he's much better now.
If we'd split up we'd have lost this happy time which is - at the moment - really good.
Does your DH have redeeming features?
You said he'd tried counselling though didn't really use the opportunity to work on his behaviour. Does he acknowledge when he's being a prick? Can you tell him exactly where you are in terms of ready to split up? We had lots of very honest (sometimes quite nasty/depressing) conversations where I said that his lack of involvement in the kids and general sour face was pushing me away because he was becoming little more than a financial contributor which I could get from a lodger who probably wouldn't shout at me etc. I think some cold hard reality checks might've got through - maybe that's worth a try for you?

Festivfrenzy · 24/03/2023 06:37

Plus re hot tub I really hated one but DH was like you and always wanted one so we got the inflatable type which is easy to put away in the winter - quite bulky though. It's quite nice sitting in it in the summer/early autumn. Kids quite like it too- not mad for it but do go in it esp when friends come over. Takes a bit of cleaning which DH does. We prop the lid on its side against garden chairs as a barrier so neighbours can't see us.
Maybe one of those would be a compromise? If you got one and ignored his rant - steel yourself and pacify with calm yes sorry, ok sorry etc till he shuts up - is there a chance he'd get over it and move on?

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