To be scared people will judge us for buying a flat with a DC

[CommuterMummy]

DH and I currently live with our school age DS in Surbiton, zone 6. We are renting but think of buying our first property in the next 1 or 2 years. We love living here, have made friends and have a lovely lifestyle with an easy commute to work, lots of local shops and cafes, parks and a good school for DS with good wrap around care. Sadly, our salaries will only allow us to get a flat here as houses are way too expensive and it’s unlikely we will be able to upgrade to a house if we get a flat first as we are late thirties and with a relatively limited earning potential (room for increases but not much, especially DH’s job).
All the people I have met at DS’s schools either live in beautiful houses or are in the process to sell their flats to upgrade (either in the same area or further out) so I am starting to wonder if we are the “weird” ones to consider raising our child in an apartment? I know this is a silly reason for wanting a house (well, of course I’d love a house and a garden) but I just cannot shake this “social anxiety” about living in a flat and I am scared DS will feel different from the other kids for that. Equally though, is it wise to uproot our life just for the sake of being more socially compliant with what the British society expects from families? I just need external opinions and experiences because I honestly cannot seem to find a solution in my mind and cannot stop obsessing about this.

Just from reading MN it seems that the British standard is to live in a house with many rooms and spare room and than not being able to heat it in the winter.

Flat is a normal way of living in a city. Actually, family houses in the city are rather bad for the environment (take too much space to home a small number of people, so everyone else needs to commute over them).

Is your main concern that other kids will judge your son for living in a flat? That's what I am most concerned about

I know how you feel. We are the only people in kids friendship groups that live in a flat but they’re teenagers now and seem to have survived. We once had a birthday party here when DD1 was in primary school and one kid asked how come we lived in a flat. <shrug> it’s London and neither I not DH have parents who could ‘help’. Next issue will be university fees. Our kids will have to take loans, others have parents or grandparents who will pay for them but such is life. We are richer than some not as rich as others. There are more important things.

I wish you good luck for your property search and hope you’ll be happy wherever you land.

The kids aren’t bothered but some of the parents are. Useful really, you know who to avoid 😉

Exactly! When we lived in a - gasp - rented house during the first years of our disastrous foray into village life, it was useful shorthand for ‘dim’ and ‘attaches major social significance to property ownership’.

OP you mentioned that you are not from the UK. That’s your get out of jail free card right there. People will just put the flat living down to your eccentric “Continental ways”.

Houses are overrated. I kind of get where you’re coming from because we live in a terrace with no drive and most of my son’s school friends live in detached places, every now and again I feel a bit jealous when I pick him up from a play date and worry about being judged when we reciprocate, but frankly anyone who judges someone else simply on the basis of how much money they think they have is an asshole you don’t want to know anyway.

I would also say this OP. If your sense of British judginess comes from Mumsnet, it’s easy to forget that this is a forum that judgy people are drawn to and isn’t really representative of what is going on in the minds of most people, who just go about their day to day lives not really caring much about the life choices of others. My husband, for example, simply doesn’t recognise some of the attitudes that I tell him about from here. I mean, he would notice what someone’s home is like, but he would not judge on the basis of what he observed.

I know that I have in the past fallen into the trap of expecting people to have a certain view/response in real life based on what I have read here, but in real life they are much more reasonable/nuanced.

Finally, don’t forget that some opinions on here are based on personal preference, not a statement of what others should or should not do. So if you ask “Should I buy a house or a flat” people will answer based on their own priorities, because you asked for an opinion. It doesn’t mean they go about being opinionated about other people’s different choices in real life.

YABU, plenty of people live in flats, and if you only have one DC it’s an extremely sensible option!

It’s far better to get on the property ladder, and it’s good to keep DS where his friends are and not disrupt his schooling, so a very good idea to buy a flat you can afford. You’re being sensible parents and doing the right thing.

Nobody will judge you, or even care. The insanity of the modern property market means lots of people will stay in flats forever, never have gardens or never trade up. Sadly that’s just the way it’s gone. Some people got lucky, some people had help, some people earned more when younger and some people just made more sensible choices. No use comparing yourselves to others. We were mid 30s when we bought our small house, our friends were mostly mid-late 30s. They got great interest rates, we didn’t. We might never trade up, have a garden or have anywhere near as much money as our friends, but getting upset about it achieves nothing.

Be proud of what you’re doing for your DS. I am proud of what we’ve managed for ours.

Mid-late 20s for our friends, that should read.

Great thing with a flat, especially higher than ground floor is being a heat weasel and benefitting from neighbours below heating your flat for free.

🙂🙂don't worry about it OP!! I live in an area where everyone seems to drive Tesla's!! and own million pound houses! We used to live in a one bed flat - DH and I slept in the lounge and DC shared the bedroom! I loved that flat :) My brother and his family live in a one bed flat in central London :)!

No-one cares!! Live where you want to live, in whatever property you can afford and like, and stop worrying what anyone else thinks :)!!

At least you have a roof over your head and live in an area you like. Glass half full and all that! 😉

I suppose it is why I struggle to understand the British mindset about houses vs flats

im beyond stunned that you’re clearly reading rhe replies and not only doubling down on this being a British thing, which it isn’t, you’re now also blaming mumsnet, for your own snobby views.

Champagne tastes on beer money, drink your beer. Stop hankering after something you can’t afford , there is nothing wrong with flats.

Views on house v flat living are definitely Anglophone thing compared to other similar countries - fascinating Twitter thread and FT piece from John Burn-Murdoch on this issue this week.

I come from a different part of the Anglosphere with slightly softer attitudes to apartment living, I've definitely noticed the difference in attitudes living here.

Go for a garden flat - I bought when my daughter was small and wanted either a big ground floor terrace or a garden. I have a garden/basement flat, with a duplex above me. It did reduce my options re flats to to buy of course, so took a bit longer than if I hadn't wanted to be on the ground floor, but it's worked out great for us.

I live in leafy suburbia and my daughter doesn't have many friends who live in flats, but their parents don't seem to hold it against me.

Heat weasel 🤣🤣🤣🤣. That’s made my day and I will use it at every opportunity. MIL is a heat weasel.

I rather living in the flat that i own than living in the rental property.

Worry less about what other people think.

To be fair, flats in continental Europe generally tend to be MUCH nicer than British ones, which are often very stingily proportioned or awkwardly converted from Victorian housing. OP, if you watch Kirstie and Phil you will see that 1960s blocks are the way to go- can be ugly outside but tend to have much more living space.

Oh and by the way if you’re worried about being judged, forget about the house and worry instead about only having one DC- that will result in a lot more judging than your choice of home….(I am a fellow parent of an only).

A beautifully decorated flat gives out “posh” vibes relatively cheaply - just saying !

All you can do is your best. If that means a flat, then buy the nicest one you can afford. Do not over extend yourselves as that could cause your family future problems.

Surely the point is not flat vs house, it's social anxiety? I'm guessing if it wasn't the type of property you can live in, it would be somehow else. It's all very well saying it doesn't matter, don't make decisions based on other people's judgements but if you suffer from severe social anxiety it can be really dehabilitating.

Op, I think you need to spend some time working out where the anxiety comes from and how to address this. It can easily be passed down to kids in how you handle situations and deal with people, so I hope you can find ways to manage it.

I would absolutely judge you for buying a flat with a DC.

Why can't you buy it with money like everyone else?

Nobody cares. Get over yourself.

People won't judge. You need to make the right decision for your family and your lifestyle.
Some people would rather stay in a certain area so have to buy a smaller property to maintain the perks of living in a certain area.
Some people find they would rather have more space at home and their own garden, so they move to another area to afford a larger property.

It's a trade off based on budget and priorities.

JarByTheDoor I had to read that more than once to get it. It's too early. ☕