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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be scared people will judge us for buying a flat with a DC

153 replies

CommuterMummy · 20/03/2023 17:38

DH and I currently live with our school age DS in Surbiton, zone 6. We are renting but think of buying our first property in the next 1 or 2 years. We love living here, have made friends and have a lovely lifestyle with an easy commute to work, lots of local shops and cafes, parks and a good school for DS with good wrap around care. Sadly, our salaries will only allow us to get a flat here as houses are way too expensive and it’s unlikely we will be able to upgrade to a house if we get a flat first as we are late thirties and with a relatively limited earning potential (room for increases but not much, especially DH’s job).
All the people I have met at DS’s schools either live in beautiful houses or are in the process to sell their flats to upgrade (either in the same area or further out) so I am starting to wonder if we are the “weird” ones to consider raising our child in an apartment? I know this is a silly reason for wanting a house (well, of course I’d love a house and a garden) but I just cannot shake this “social anxiety” about living in a flat and I am scared DS will feel different from the other kids for that. Equally though, is it wise to uproot our life just for the sake of being more socially compliant with what the British society expects from families? I just need external opinions and experiences because I honestly cannot seem to find a solution in my mind and cannot stop obsessing about this.

OP posts:
AmberChase · 20/03/2023 18:30

One of my best mates lives in a 3 bed garden flat in Surbiton. A house with a similar square footage nearby would cost at least £250k more.

I live nearby (less desirable Tolworth!) and loads of my kids school mates live in flats in Surbiton.

astarsheis · 20/03/2023 18:30

I know the area well and also know how expensive it is. Lots of people live in flats with kids. Was in DDs flat in Richmond today and quite a few people in the block have children of all ages.
I would rather live in a flat in an area that me and my family love rather than move further out.
Personally I like living as close to London as I can afford and if that is a flat than so be it.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/03/2023 18:31

I was born and mostly raised in Suburbiton. There's no way I could afford to buy my old family house in Berrylands nowadays, but my grandmother had a lovely large 2 bed flat on the other side of town close to the Thames and in a lovely square, which I could probably afford and be happy there!

soffa · 20/03/2023 18:33

To be fair to the OP, I think there is a bit of a middle class British mentality that having a house is some kind of gold standard.

There defo is, it's stupid but it exists!

soffa · 20/03/2023 18:37

We had a lovely large maisonette with a garden & it was perfect when the dc were younger. But eventually I just wanted more space & a bigger garden. Dc do accumulate stuff!

CharlotteMullen · 20/03/2023 18:38

PleaseJustText · 20/03/2023 18:00

A lot of brits have lived overseas. I spent 6 years living in Paris. People living in a flat with their children wouldn't phase me. The majority of my neighbours in Paris had children.

Our Parisian friends are completely baffled by the British obsession with living in houses — they wonder why we want to have to maintain our own roofs solo, deal with garden maintenance etc.

soffa · 20/03/2023 18:38

Honestly. It's London.

A lot of people saying stuff like this won't even live in London.

There's a difference to a flat in Hyde Park vs a flat in Surbiton though.

Hadjab · 20/03/2023 18:39

You don't need "external opinions and experiences," because none of it is relevant. Stop obsessing over what other people are doing, and live your life within your means and capabilities.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 20/03/2023 18:39

soffa · 20/03/2023 18:33

To be fair to the OP, I think there is a bit of a middle class British mentality that having a house is some kind of gold standard.

There defo is, it's stupid but it exists!

I think the experience of lockdown is part of it. People have always placed value on a garden, which obviously is more likely in a house than a flat, but as a society we've all just experienced people with private outdoor space being able to continue accessing it while people who rely on parks and green spaces could have that access removed. It might take a bit of time to work through that.

soffa · 20/03/2023 18:40

We also found lots of neighbours, school friends in flats started to swap them for the houses. At 1.4m plus though we couldn't!

soffa · 20/03/2023 18:42

@BashirWithTheGoodBeard that's true I also think the rise in their working are making flats a bit less desirable. Certainly where I am houses have gone up much more than flats.

soffa · 20/03/2023 18:42

hybrid not their!

Sarahcoggles · 20/03/2023 18:47

Do you currently have a garden and does your child play in it a lot? We moved when I was 9 from a rural house with a big garden to a city flat with no garden, and I hated it. No where to play, sit, sunbathe, read, hang out when it was sunny. I think it really depends on your child and what he likes to do.

SicParvisMagna · 20/03/2023 18:49

I mean this in the nicest possible way op but get a grip. You can afford a flat in an area you clearly love and that suits all your needs. You have a fantastic city and all it has to offer a tube ride away and you're not sure whether to go for it because it doesn't have a garden?

I rent in a crappy seaside town. Gardens can be expensive spaces if you want to make it really lovely. They take maintenance. This takes time, effort and cash. I have two kids and you'd think I kept wild lions in my garden for all the time they've ever spent in them. I'd rather live in a flat and have all you do at your finger tips, than be a renter for life like we likely will do.

The obsession with this country and property (especially houses) will start to change in the next few decades (if not already). We need to be more like Europe, and build up. I'd swap a Parisian apartment for a 3 bed by the sea in England any day of the week!

Best of luck finding a place to call your own!

Dontlistitonfacebook · 20/03/2023 18:53

What?? Loads of families live in flats!

I have not met this "must have a house" mentality but I am not in London.

ijoiu9898 · 20/03/2023 18:57

OP I definitely get what you mean. Where we used to live most families live in houses worth 1.7mil, but we could only afford (or were happy to spend 750k). We moved 2miles away where 750k got as a four bed house. I was also really worried about people being snobby about DC and other DC being snobby. But I was wrong. I hate where we live, secondary schools are crap so we will still have to move in five years time. So we've just put our house on the market and hoping a nice flat comes on the market soon. Yes Brits are snoby about flats, DH certainly thinks people will be funny about it (he is British and grew up in a house) but the reality is that am just not happy where we are so I will have to suck it up. Hoping I enjoy living in the flat more than the house - and the house is currently in what MN considers an ok enough part of SELondon

Lindy2 · 20/03/2023 18:57

You'll be buying your family home.

It doesn't matter what shape it is.

malmi · 20/03/2023 18:59

FourTeaFallOut · 20/03/2023 17:41

This is one of those problems in life that you can solve entirely just by putting it down.

Good job OP didn't mention a dog but yeah

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 20/03/2023 19:03

OP I live in same area. I think you are projecting, honestly. Surbiton is a diverse area, you absolutely won’t be judged.

astarsheis · 20/03/2023 19:04

malmi · 20/03/2023 18:59

Good job OP didn't mention a dog but yeah

Great reply 😁

4829s · 20/03/2023 19:06

In England, 1 in 7 households with dependent children live in flats.

soffa · 20/03/2023 19:08

OP I definitely get what you mean. Where we used to live most families live in houses worth 1.7mil, but we could only afford (or were happy to spend 750k). We moved 2miles away where 750k got as a four bed house. I was also really worried about people being snobby about DC and other DC being snobby. But I was wrong. I hate where we live, secondary schools are crap so we will still have to move in five years time.

Ime lots of people in the 1.7m houses go private for secondary as the local London comp isn't good enough!

ActDottie · 20/03/2023 19:09

Husband and I used to live in Surbiton and were on a similar situation at one point as we thought we’d never leave the area. You can get some lovey garden flats in Surbiton and some three bedroom ones too so I don’t think you’re mad at all and also understand why you want to stay in the area :)

lifehappens12 · 20/03/2023 19:09

Hello. Used to live near surbiton in claygate - again renting but house prices were too high so we moved closer to woking where prices were better.

Yes it's an amazing area but we wanted space for our family not location.

What's important is key for you.

Survey99 · 20/03/2023 19:14

I don't think I have made a single significant decision - where I lived, schools, work, eloping, dc, etc - in my adult life and worried about some random, or even friends/family, judging me for it....

If you think a flat works best for your family, you have weighed up and are happy with the pros and cons, then do it. 🤷‍♀️