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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to admit I hate spending time with my parents.

145 replies

SummerLover01 · 20/03/2023 08:09

My parents are in their late 60s, both retired a few years before the pandemic and I think the daily reduction in interaction with people after leaving work, combined with lockdowns has resulted in them losing any notion of an internal filter and they've become this true, unfiltered version of themselves.

They've become so bigoted and narrowminded and judgemental in the last 3 or 4 years.

If it's not all working class people are lazy it's:

People in council estates get everything handed to them on a plate

Young people could easily buy houses if they didn't have expensive mobile phone contracts

There's millions of immigrants coming here to live the life of luxury on every benefit under the sun and stay in hotels like they're on holiday

Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety..... Etc...are all a product of people being too willing to give in and people just need to get on with it

Interest rates were 15% back in their day and people are fussing over nothing

People on strike need to get back to work, if Rishi says there's no more money left then there's no more money left

Brexit is a good thing

Climate change: well, it is what it is

God, as I write it all out it makes me so angry. Feels like any time we spend more than 5 mins talking my parents come out with home dreadful viewpoint, they completely lack empathy and are openly proud of their financial position (house, pension, savings) - most of which in reality have been achieved out of a combination of circumstance and good luck and seem to think that other people who aren't achieving the same level of "success" just aren't trying hard enough

Not sure why they're like this, my friends parents are retired and aren't at all like this, my aunts and uncles are all of a similar age and seem to be decent people...... just not my parents 🙄

Has anyone else found their parents seemed to have changed a lot after retirement and how did you cope with it?

OP posts:
HappyBirthdayLydia · 20/03/2023 08:12

My parents are a similar age with similar views. I try really hard to take it with a pinch of salt and wonder my kids will think I'm narrow minded about later in life.

Try and find some middle ground- you can disagree with them without it being a big fallout.

Keep visiting short and sweet and do something like eat out or visit somewhere to keep them occupied.

lionsleepstonight · 20/03/2023 08:20

Agree with pp, keep conversations around you and your family, local events etc.

We used to make it an inside joke and almost play 'bingo' around certain topics and their reactions.

My DM bloody loved quoting the DM and we'd often get saved papers shoved in our faces.

I am aware that as people get older their views can move further right and I tend to agree it happened to my DPs.

However, it didn't take away that they were amazing, supportive and generous parents who gave me a fab childhood.

Grumpsy · 20/03/2023 08:20

MIL is similar and it can be hard to spend too much time in her company (DH finds it harder than I do to be fair) but this isn’t a change of view as such, just it’s become more obvious the older she gets.

on the other hand my grandparents (my mother still works, and has a firm grasp on reality) are retired, my nan is a bit mad at times, but still doesn’t have the bigoted views you mention above, she does have a notion that men should providers etc but I feel that’s more generational. My granddad, still completely normal and there in their 80s.

So the question from me - is this really a change in view or are they just more vocal about it than they used to be?

it appears to have become more acceptable to have these views and shout them from the rooftops than it previously was - and for that I blame some of the atrocious government policies we have had announced or enacted in recent years.

DustyLee123 · 20/03/2023 08:22

Try meeting them out of the house, and think of some subjects to talk about that will steer clear of the upsetting ones.
You are not alone, I just keep my visits brief.

Pottedpalm · 20/03/2023 08:23

Well they probably did work
hard for what they have got. They will have purchased property at a time of sky high interest rates and lived quite frugally, as was the norm st the time unless one was a well paid doctor (times change!) or bank manager.
They are entitled to their opinions, however hateful
you might find them. Try and engage them on more neutral topics?

mumonthehill · 20/03/2023 08:24

I totally hear you! When we go to visit now we have a list of things not to bring up in the hope of keeping conversations light.

Laiste · 20/03/2023 08:25

You wont change them, so it's a question of managing.

Small slots of time with them with enough gap so that there's family news to talk about.

Change the subject if politics comes up.

Don't let them monologue. Have a 'disruption' handy. One of the kids/your phone's gone off/you've just remembered something/need a wee !

Original poster
SummerLover01 · 20/03/2023 08:25

So the question from me - is this really a change in view or are they just more vocal about it than they used to be?

It's definitely an evolution of their views rather than a new found love for the right.

It's just so exhausting listening to it, we were round yesterday for 45 mins for mother's day and I had a cloud hanging over me for a few hours afterwards.

Small talk has been the tactic but there's only so many times you can mention the weather or what you're watching on TV!

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/03/2023 08:27

How often do you see them OP?

Chocolatetadpole · 20/03/2023 08:28

My father in law retired post pandemic and has gone from a very filtered, people pleaser to a shoot from the hip say what he feels person. Not to the extent you have described but it's a big adjustment.

Original poster
SummerLover01 · 20/03/2023 08:29

Laiste · 20/03/2023 08:27

How often do you see them OP?

Yesterday was the 4th time this year, so once a month or so.

They live close(ish) so it's hard to make excuses not to

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 08:32

Chocolatetadpole · 20/03/2023 08:28

My father in law retired post pandemic and has gone from a very filtered, people pleaser to a shoot from the hip say what he feels person. Not to the extent you have described but it's a big adjustment.

Interested to know what sort of things he says

OP you do need to try seeing them less
keeping illness up your sleeve for the days you can't face it

also, you could try saying what bugs you...I did this with my folks at that age and it helped a bit.

rookiemere · 20/03/2023 08:32

People do tend to become more right wing the older they get.

I find changing the conversation randomly, sometimes mid sentence if DF goes on a rant works for me.

Whyisitsososohard · 20/03/2023 08:33

I understand this. I don't think my parents are as bigoted as yours sound. But they read the mail so..

They are also quite miserable judgemental people. I do love them but often I don't enjoy time spent with them. They are also quite self involved which has caused lots of hurt. It's hard and I don't know I've got loads of avice . Just wanted to let you know other people feel like this.

I'm 37 and haven't worked out a way to properly deal with it yet. But one thing I'm starting to try is really have no expectations around time with them and how they behave. If they say something really awful I will challenge it but in general I let stuff slide.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 08:34

Oh, amd gird yourself for a poster saying you'll regret it when they're gone
My mum is still here, if I hadn't managed her so much 20 years ago, I'd have lost my mind by now. I do also think they learned a lot from us, they're not "too old to change".

Radiatorvalves · 20/03/2023 08:35

Where do they get their info from? I suspect they read the Daily Mail or Telegraph? I don’t think you’ll change their views if they have à regular dose of that stuff. My dad (early 80s) is less filtered. His world has shrunk a bit… problem is that he’s obsessed with the news and his health issues so less interested in others. Very different from your parents OP… he’s very woke for his ago! It’s mainly variations on “Johnson really is f*ing awful/Truss is simply dreadful/what in gods name is the Home Secretary doing?” He’s a retired lawyer, reads the Times and bbc and has usually voted LibDem.

malificent7 · 20/03/2023 08:36

I try to divert mine onto neutral topics like gardening, weather etc. Do not rise to it. It is tedious though.

vincettenoir · 20/03/2023 08:37

Unfortunately there’s plenty of us out there who find their parents or ILs hard work to be around. Luckily my parents live half hour away so one way I manage it is to meet them in town for just a couple of hours before they start driving me too crazy. ILs live further away but we sort of apply the same principle as much as we can and keep visits as short and sweet as practical.

Laiste · 20/03/2023 08:37

Oh ok - i thought you might say once a week and i'd say once a month would be better ....

Flowers Be comforted by the fact you're not alone 😂
Ragwort · 20/03/2023 08:41

I just keep reminding myself that it very, very possible that our own DC will be saying exactly the same about us in a few years. We all like to think that we are 'better' parents to our DC than our DPs are to us but I think every generation feels the same. Sad
My DM drives me mad at times but I can remember exactly the same complaints that she had about her DM.

Mateyduck · 20/03/2023 08:41

“We don’t do politics! “ this is our mantra when my parents start spouting madness. It’s exactly as you described for me too. I just literally say we are not talking about that, and move on. I have started to show my parents funny clips on YouTube, think cat falling off table, types of things and they find them hilarious. It lifts the mood and changes topic

QuertyGirl · 20/03/2023 08:42

I have this with my Dad.

He was previously in the Green Party but has since joined the Tories.

He's obsessed with the dangers of "woke" and refuses to acknowledge that this gov has done anything wrong whatsoever. He blames all our problems on the New Labour administration.

I try to keep off politics though I work in a related field and he does end up telling me how to do my job, which is irritating.

I change the topic to gardening.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/03/2023 08:43

Can you surreptitiously cancel the DM and block the site in their router?

actually I typed that as a joke but it’s not a bad idea 😬

as well as the short / sweet visit idea, could you time your visits for when other family are there. Might help to dilute them a bit, make them more filtered.

Ttwinkletoes · 20/03/2023 08:43

I think it’s the same as young people being super woke, women with trout lips and false eyelashes and men watching porn - they are influenced by what they see online. Oldies watch rolling news, online DM, GB news etc and it alters their perception just like it affects other age groups.

Barelyable · 20/03/2023 08:44

Definitely it alone, empathy provided here.
Mine live in a very small village and have never really ventured out. Their world view is very narrow but they love to give their very I'll informed opinions an airing wherever possible. Not helped by my dad enabling my mum for a quiet life.
I try to divert the subject away as has been suggested. I also try to focus on their positives as much as possible.
I think the thing for me though is that they are very often factually wrong. I get that they have their own opinion that may be different to mine. But they don't research subjects, just make things up to suit their narrative. And then they go and vote!!