AIBU to admit I hate spending time with my parents.

[SummerLover01]

My parents are in their late 60s, both retired a few years before the pandemic and I think the daily reduction in interaction with people after leaving work, combined with lockdowns has resulted in them losing any notion of an internal filter and they've become this true, unfiltered version of themselves.

They've become so bigoted and narrowminded and judgemental in the last 3 or 4 years.

If it's not all working class people are lazy it's:

People in council estates get everything handed to them on a plate

Young people could easily buy houses if they didn't have expensive mobile phone contracts

There's millions of immigrants coming here to live the life of luxury on every benefit under the sun and stay in hotels like they're on holiday

Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety..... Etc...are all a product of people being too willing to give in and people just need to get on with it

Interest rates were 15% back in their day and people are fussing over nothing

People on strike need to get back to work, if Rishi says there's no more money left then there's no more money left

Brexit is a good thing

Climate change: well, it is what it is

God, as I write it all out it makes me so angry. Feels like any time we spend more than 5 mins talking my parents come out with home dreadful viewpoint, they completely lack empathy and are openly proud of their financial position (house, pension, savings) - most of which in reality have been achieved out of a combination of circumstance and good luck and seem to think that other people who aren't achieving the same level of "success" just aren't trying hard enough

Not sure why they're like this, my friends parents are retired and aren't at all like this, my aunts and uncles are all of a similar age and seem to be decent people...... just not my parents 🙄

Has anyone else found their parents seemed to have changed a lot after retirement and how did you cope with it?

Do you think maybe they say these things to wind you up because it entertains them ? maybe they are bored .

Mum was more right wing than me I was able to refute her crap. Eg “they are building houses for all these immigrants” well mum, you are 92 and living alone in a family sized home, as is your neighbour. 20 years ago you’d be dead or living with me (and under the patio). So they are building family homes for families. And how many non- white faces do you see in your little west country town? Etc etc.

we treated each other as adults and challenged each other. I had the advantage of internet access to back up with evidence.

i Do miss her now she’s gone but I don’t miss the daily mail.

I had a friend in her 40s who was the same extremely judgemental and unfiltered, homophobic, antisemitic, pretty racist. She is Russian and very pro Putin too which was very dull even before he launched his campaign in Ukraine. Eventually it got to a point where it was utterly exhausting to be around her because of her complete lack of self awareness and I obviously had to counter some of those views just to get her to stop and especially so she didn’t think I felt the same as her especially since I have a gay daughter and I have ab actual conscience so I couldn’t just let the anti semitism or racism slide. Luckily it not being a family member meant eventually I could give her a swerve.

I think it tends to happen in people who are very emotionally immature. They are like toddlers in their worldview except but they now have a vocabulary to express them. It is tedious and very draining no matter how much you love a person.

I get the glooms after visiting my parents these days but it's because they mostly talk about death and illness these days, with chat about activity at the bird table for light relief... Thankfully they have not gone right wing though....

DM was always very Daily Mail, but now if she went any further right, she'd be crossing the international date line. Quietly agreeing to disagree, I can handle (and I'm never going to change her opinions) but what's really frustrating about people with this mentality is that they often actively force their opinion on you with any excuse they can muster up.

She's a generation older and no longer having any fucks to give, constant pain from ailments and becoming far more insular, especially with the abrupt changes 3 years ago which she had no energy to bounce back from have made it worse. She's now become pretty reclusive only seeing a small number of people (DB who she bubbled with and close friends), won't let people in the house and can't travel. I'm not around the corner and the end result is that I rarely see her because there's that many barriers (plus my own logistics of family life) and it's not that fun on the one or two times a year I do see her. She's got little fresh input for conversation because life is so insular, she detached and uninterested in my life and my family, and you inevitably end up having her right wing spiel fed by the media.

Phew. Thank god I'm not alone! 🤪

That was actually quite cathartic, DH and I and my brother/SIL have all agreed to not talk about it because it all ends up just being the same frustrating bitching session where we all just get irritated by it.... Problem is, and I'm sure it's the same for them, my irritation just lives inside me now.

Do they actually do anything? Many people are volunteering in their late 60s, health permitting. I'd be tempted to change the conversation topic by mentioning older people doing amazing voluntary or other pursuits. Eg: www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-manchester-64325636

It won't stop them but it would give me some satisfaction, and just possibly pause their self-congratulation for a moment,

Nearly all of those opinions are straight out of the Daily Mail. Do they read and watch a very narrow band of news media.?

I'm in my early 60s and don't believe that in 5 years time I'll suddenly start voting Tory and moaning about benefit spongers. Your parents must have already had these views. They just have more time to ruminate over them now. All you can do is see them less, change the subject when they start on this stuff and leave the room if they won't stop.

Wbeezer · Today 08:47
I get the glooms after visiting my parents these days but it's because they mostly talk about death and illness these days,

Oh god you're not wrong there!* *🙄I don't have any brothers or sisters to 'share' the pain of it, but with my grown up DCs we do have a laugh about the ''guess who'd dead'' game 🙄😂

You know it's coming - the thinley veiled excitement: ... ''OOOH - do you remember Mr Smyth who used to live a few doors down from us in our old house? Smyth. Yes you do he was really tall. Yes you do he was a friend of Fred, the man who used to mend our car. Yes you remember Fred he would sit with your father in the garage and chat and you'd wave at him. Yes you would - you were at least 5. Well - do you remember Fred's wife? Yes you do she had that big dog. Yes you she gave you sweets ALL the time. Well ..... <drum roll> ... Maureen says his wife's sister has been very ill .... and guess what? ''

game = which one of them will have just died? 🙄

The glooms describes it really well.

For an hour or two afterwards just this combination of deflated wearyness mixed with frustration.

Maybe a bit melodramatic, it's not like it gets me down but there's no way I can endure it for the next 20 years!

And I now refuse to subject my kids (13 & 10) to it. Pre covid they used to spend a week with the grandparents dur8the summer, the occasional Saturday night. Not now, I'm not willing to put them onto an environment where they hear their grandparents hateful tripe for hours on end.

"Did you read about the WW2 veteran who was the oldest recipient of an award in this year's New Year Honourss_? No? Well, it's quite a wonderful story..."

The glooms! Yes!

Everything is also apparently terrible in my Dads life too (it isn't).

I've been listening to his woe is me nonsense my entire life.

Again, I shift the topic to gardening

And I now refuse to subject my kids (13 & 10) to it.

Actually joking aside, this is probably the hardest part of the issue to handle. My mother now lives with us, and when youngest DD was 3 or 4 we had a couple of times we had to really think about some of the interactions. The keeping of secrets was one. And using really outdated and offensive terms for people.

It's a mine field.

Older DCs (10 and up) i think it's possible to explain to them that a) it's their duty to spend a little bit of time with the oldies and b) to ignore the vast majority of what they say to them !

@Wbeezer forgive me, but are you my husband? You have just described my inlaws to a T. Thank fuck for the bird table.

My in-laws are like this.

They recently told me the reason they use the services of my employer is not through any loyalty to me.... but because they advertise on GB News!

Thinking about it now - OP maybe more often, but shorter visits would help?

A once a week drop in for 30 mins max? Not quite long enough to get beyond basic news and into small talk territory?

I have to say - having DM living with us is challenging. BUT (and i feel awful saying this) the house is big enough so that the majority of our interaction is daily but only when we pass in the hall or on the landing. Or a slightly longer chat if we pass in the kitchen. No ''visits'' as such.

I retired 3 years ago. I think the opposite of your parents.

Its not retirement, it’s their beliefs. I’ve got even more left wing ( if that’s possible) since l retired)

I feel very grateful that my parents went quite the other way. They were fairly central and now they’re really left wing. But that is, based on my friends’ experiences, really, really unusual. I wonder why.

Yes, I have this with MIL. She even brings a copy of the DM along to read on her visits!

She says it is for the stars and the TV listings but I am not so sure.

She's been getting more unfiltered lately as she enters her late 70s. Along with the doom and gloom there is a lot of chat about how people look - big, huge this kind of thing, or some slight racist type stuff. It's not easy

Well done for keeping your children away from their bile.

I think you need to drastically reduce how much you see them and every time they mention their financial success, agree with them that it's great that they will have money for their future care as supports are being constantly cut...on a loop.

These are not people that you will want to be hugely involved with as they age, so start pulling back.

My FIL went like this but has since pulled back as he realised Brexit was a pile of horse shit and feels very misled. He also thoroughly disapproves of the GVT.

You feel irritated because your parents don’t have exactly the same views and opinions that you have?

Maybe just go out somewhere say GC? Have a look round ,admire all the plants and bits and bobs.Coffee /lunch maybe .They are less likely to sound off in public! My DGF was a bit like this ,maybe cut them some slack .Older people just look back and remember working long hours and bringing up a family .Then see people "getting it all for nothing"(Not true of course) Time on their hands, prob read certain newspapers that are rightward leaning .Pepper in GB news .Piers Morgan etc and you have a perfect mix! They are still Mum and Dad who worked hard to feed/clothe you "Do" Christmas /Birthdays /Holidays and so on.

If mine were like that I'd feel the same. And am glad mine are not and never have been.

I have an elderly NDN who is very much like this
DM has Alzheimer’s now so not as bad as she was
We manage conversations by talking mainly about the past - everything from local history to genealogy and also our shared experiences mixed with current
For example when DC are talking about social life eg going to a gig - we ask what they did at a similar age, I might add in my musical tastes as a teen etc
Same applies to holidays, jobs etc