AIBU to admit I hate spending time with my parents.

[SummerLover01]

My parents are in their late 60s, both retired a few years before the pandemic and I think the daily reduction in interaction with people after leaving work, combined with lockdowns has resulted in them losing any notion of an internal filter and they've become this true, unfiltered version of themselves.

They've become so bigoted and narrowminded and judgemental in the last 3 or 4 years.

If it's not all working class people are lazy it's:

People in council estates get everything handed to them on a plate

Young people could easily buy houses if they didn't have expensive mobile phone contracts

There's millions of immigrants coming here to live the life of luxury on every benefit under the sun and stay in hotels like they're on holiday

Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety..... Etc...are all a product of people being too willing to give in and people just need to get on with it

Interest rates were 15% back in their day and people are fussing over nothing

People on strike need to get back to work, if Rishi says there's no more money left then there's no more money left

Brexit is a good thing

Climate change: well, it is what it is

God, as I write it all out it makes me so angry. Feels like any time we spend more than 5 mins talking my parents come out with home dreadful viewpoint, they completely lack empathy and are openly proud of their financial position (house, pension, savings) - most of which in reality have been achieved out of a combination of circumstance and good luck and seem to think that other people who aren't achieving the same level of "success" just aren't trying hard enough

Not sure why they're like this, my friends parents are retired and aren't at all like this, my aunts and uncles are all of a similar age and seem to be decent people...... just not my parents 🙄

Has anyone else found their parents seemed to have changed a lot after retirement and how did you cope with it?

OP from your further replies, it looks like the politics is the bulk of the problem, which wasn't the case with mine, there were other issues

Would they agree to take politics off the table, put it on the no go list for conversation?

ArseInTheCoopWindow
I agree!

I went on a Stand Up to Racism rally on Saturday. There was such a great mix of ages.
Having been politically active for 50 years it is heartening to see young people engaging with the issues that are causing such heartache and division in society.

The people I choose to have in my life are open minded and aware. I have superficial relationships with others who share your parents outlook on life. I do try not to be confrontational but sometimes I have to speak up and take the consequences. On reflection I must admit that I am less prepared to filter what I say.

With extended family we actively avoid the subjects that would cause friction. Unless my son in law is there; he likes to poke the bear!!

I think one of the best things in my life has been having friendships with people of all ages. It opens you up to other opinions and cultural changes.

OP
This has been a ramble, I am thinking as I write.
It must be hard to hear these opinions and have to bite your tongue.
How powerful the media are, I am often appalled at the bias and hatred they perpetuate.

Please remember that not all older people are right wing, many of us are the people who have fought for decent treatment and equality for all of our adult lives.

I find this a bit too (although not Brexit or climate change, or strikes mainly). I will challenge racism or other unacceptable language hard. I’m not being part of any conversation like that. Otherwise I try to gently nudge with some actual facts. Mine are both in their 70s. I am having some success too.

My PIL are exactly like this. I hate their views and if I think about it too much it makes me so angry. Sometimes I just have to walk away and calm down! Luckily they live quite a long way from us so we don’t see them very often.

When we do see them we try to avoid any talk about politics or religion. They are Daily Mail readers.

In the past I have had arguments with my MIL that have turned a bit nasty as she is so bigoted but I don’t think she’s going to change so I’ll learned to ignore the hate.

We would never let them look after our children as they also have very old fashioned views on discipline.

But they do have a nice relationship with our children and it’s mostly ok when we see them.

You do realise the Guardian is an equal source of hate Mail but from a different perspective?

Sounds like my mum. Except she also has Alzheimer's so you get the same war on Christmas, not even allowed to call a "insert racist description" a "same racist description" , too many foreigners (frequently to my DC who both have a foreign partner) these days on a 10 minute loop.

Mine's of the type that would emphisise in a surprised tone how lovely a nurse/ waitress etc was along with a description of their ethnic origin/ colour as though they were an exception to the rule 🙄

I don't expect people to share my world view. Differences of opinion can be interesting anyway. But I don't want to listen to small-minded racism shoehorned into every conversation at any point. I also don't want my children to hear it if they're present. It's not a genuine two way conversation, she doesn't want to change her mind and listen to different opinions, she just wants to recycle the same rants time and time again.

DH and I often vote differently, and we have interesting discussions without conflict. I have friends with a range of political views. I just don't appreciate the type that imposes their views on others (regardless of which side of politics) and has a mission to shoehorn them in at any opportunity.

Thinking immigrants are living a life of luxury in hotels on full benefits, thinking everyone living in social housing is a freeloading bum getting given the moon on a stick, that mental health and neurodiversity is nothing but weakness in the part of the afflicted, that there’s nothing more than laziness and a phone contract standing between young people and the property ladder…

These are not just ‘different’ thoughts, they are blunt, deeply right-wing prejudice and ignorance.

@SummerLover01 mine are exactly the same. But with additional

" so and so "liked" this post " or " so and so commented on that post" or "I put a photo on and only 3 people loved it" blaaa blaaa blaa - their Facebook usage is bitter and twisted. They're continuously blocking people, re adding people, deleting their profile, leaving groups due to fall outs.

My aunts and uncles are the same.

DM now calls everything she doesn't agree with "wokey" and makes a point of saying "I am who I am"

A 90 minute visit can sometimes trigger almighty depression and anxiety. I cried on Friday after visiting them.

YANBU I've experienced similar too.

I think as some people get older, especially if they're socially isolated, they get more opinionated and less bothered about others views on those opinions.

I agree with others, reducing time with them is important to an extent and learning the art of ignoring certain conversations. When they mention working class people - that's a great time to go in the kitchen to make tea. Talk of finances - oh, sorry, just popping to the loo etc.

They're just products of their upbringing, and the UK was incredibly different back in the 1930s and 1940s. My Dad was horribly insular, but he grew up in rural Gloucestershire and lived there until well into his 30s.

We won't have this with our generation as we age because we're used to it.

I'm 46 and find my generation far more polarised than my parents' generation.

My thoughts are that people in general are credulous, gullible and if they're told something, they don't actually know or care how to find out whether it's true or not. If it fits with their existing world view, it's stored away to strengthen that - if it contradicts it, it's because the source is unreliable.

It's sad that people actually prefer to believe that xyz group is criminal by definition, or that you can buy a house for the price of a phone contract because they can't be bothered to do basic maths. But it makes them feel better so that's what sticks.

My own parents have come out with some weird stuff over the years, and they're not stupid. Like "Christians are actually the most persecuted group" - ok, sounds bad - how was that measured? In what way? Just met with a shrug. But they know I will ask things like that if they come out with unusual claims, so they hopefully ask it of themselves now...

Totally agree with Hayliebells and BogRollBOGOF.

I think this does go beyond a difference of opinion.

Op, as your parents are in their sixties not their nineties, I don't understand why you have to carry the frustration inside yourself? Can you not sit them down and have a serious talk? Maybe get your aunts and uncles on side too. You can keep it loving and respectful but when it's got to the point that you don't want your children mixing with them this summer, surely that deserves some honesty and serious discussion?

And without wishing to sound like a knob, because I sometimes have to bite my lip at some of the views my teens are subjected to, such as all older people are toxic narcissists whose sole intention is to steal homes and the planet away from them, I seriously think it's got to the point now with this government and the right wing stranglehold on the press, the annihilation of the sensible middle centre, and the invidious infiltration of vile "them" and "us" rhetoric, that we all need to start drawing a line now and "doing a Linekar"!

Some of my relatives are bit like this. The Trump and Brexit era was miserable. Luckily I didn’t have to spend time with these individuals so it was easily resolved by a few tweaks on the social media filters. I appreciate this isn’t possible for you 🙁

As others say is it possible to meet up with them in a cafe or park so at least they’re not holding court? Often times people are at their most comfy sharing their views in their own home. If they do bring these topics up, deflect and distract as much as possible and just stay neutral.

I’d often feel irritated by some of the comments but I kept reminding myself that the info they’re picking up on is shared by mainstream and social media. Some people don’t have critical thinking skills and don’t fully realise they’re being bombarded with inaccurate and inflammatory info designed to create discord.

Exactly because I wonder how much of it is the parents unprovokedly coming out with racism and sexism and youthism and how much is the OP chip-chip-chipping away and spoiling for an argument just to show them how modern and virtuous and all-knowing she is and how dated and useless and clueless they are. Not saying this IS the case but perhaps no harm to ask it of herself.

I have this with my dad, and while I understand people's perspective on here of 'tolerance has to go both ways' I personally believe that constantly shoehorning personal beliefs that you know your conversational partner doesn't agree with and isn't interested in discussing into conversation is very rude.
So I just don't engage with it, or will very gently and jovially say 'can we talk about something else? Did you watch that brilliant programme on monkeys the other night'
If they persist I will outright say 'can we change the subject please? You know I don't want to talk about this and it makes me not enjoy your company when you keep bringing it up' which while horribly awkward in the moment I find it does make them think twice!
I don't have to deal with outright racism/homophobia etc though to be fair.

A couple have people have mentioned the commenting negatively on other people's appearance - this is the one area where I see red, lose all sense of 'keeping the peace' and will go 'god, how boring it must be in your brain to be so bothered about what other people look like'. But I primarily do this because it flusters the hell out of people and I find that funny. People don't like being called boring at ALL.

By that I was responding to the comment that teens think their parents are toxic, House-stealing narcissists.

Oops the thread has moved on and now I’m making no sense.

My dgrandmother was like this. Was left wing her entire life. 5 years into retirement read the Mail avidly and believed everything in it. If I ever tried to discuss anything she started with "Your Mr Blair".
Tbf my mum hasn't followed suit.

The best I can do is 'play polite' with my mum. Anything else is just exhausting.

This is my in laws. And I'm not miles away from your parents age, OP. I just try to see less of them and don't rise to it anymore. I don't really want to humiliate my MIL by probing some of her statements (because she wouldn't know what she means) so we just have really boring, repetitive conversations. I would have done if my own mother had come out with any nonsense (but she didn't really) but more difficult when it's your MIL. Her son and grandchildren do though. Funnily, they visited their grandchildren in Australia recently clearly expecting to be able to spout racist right wing stuff more freely. But, no, got challenged there as well.

In defence of older people, my mum is 80 and not like this at all. But she is very outgoing and active, with lots of hobbies and friends. I think it is becoming insular, getting all your views from one source and having nothing else to think about that is the risk. I certainly aspire to be like my mum when I age.

Sorry, OP, no advice for you except to try to avoid politics at all costs and try not to let it get to you. You cannot change people that don't want to change. In the end, living an angry insular life is their loss.

My parents are like this too, they read the DM “for the puzzles”. I give up and only speak to them/see them when I have to.

I honestly hate spending time with my dad and his partner.

Honestly it feels so good to actually say it on here!