AIBU to admit I hate spending time with my parents.

[SummerLover01]

My parents are in their late 60s, both retired a few years before the pandemic and I think the daily reduction in interaction with people after leaving work, combined with lockdowns has resulted in them losing any notion of an internal filter and they've become this true, unfiltered version of themselves.

They've become so bigoted and narrowminded and judgemental in the last 3 or 4 years.

If it's not all working class people are lazy it's:

People in council estates get everything handed to them on a plate

Young people could easily buy houses if they didn't have expensive mobile phone contracts

There's millions of immigrants coming here to live the life of luxury on every benefit under the sun and stay in hotels like they're on holiday

Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety..... Etc...are all a product of people being too willing to give in and people just need to get on with it

Interest rates were 15% back in their day and people are fussing over nothing

People on strike need to get back to work, if Rishi says there's no more money left then there's no more money left

Brexit is a good thing

Climate change: well, it is what it is

God, as I write it all out it makes me so angry. Feels like any time we spend more than 5 mins talking my parents come out with home dreadful viewpoint, they completely lack empathy and are openly proud of their financial position (house, pension, savings) - most of which in reality have been achieved out of a combination of circumstance and good luck and seem to think that other people who aren't achieving the same level of "success" just aren't trying hard enough

Not sure why they're like this, my friends parents are retired and aren't at all like this, my aunts and uncles are all of a similar age and seem to be decent people...... just not my parents 🙄

Has anyone else found their parents seemed to have changed a lot after retirement and how did you cope with it?

Hardly, the vast majority of people have only commented about their direct lived experience of their parents' views. If parents don't want to be judged by their offspring for bigotry and racism, maybe they should stop being bigots and racists! Honestly, we've fallen a long way as a society if we're now supposed to tolerate this shit, because you know, it's a "difference of opinion". Not all opinions are good opinions, some are just evidence you're a horrible person.

We're all entitled to our views yes, but with freedom of thought, speech and expression comes acceptance of the consequences. Expressing some views will have consequences like your own children avoiding you, or worse!

@Whichwhatnow unfortunately my FILs partner used to annoy me going on about immigrants and benefits when she had done nothing workwise herself beyond a couple of years in her 20s and lived totally off her ex husband and my FIL, even with children in their 30s. Somehow that was totally different-

I don't think these type of people leave the house much. I dare say evening visits are banded too. They will soon start talking about their busy week when each day has just one chore eg food shopping....for two....in the car....on a Tuesday morning.

One of my brothers married a lady of Indian heritage who was born in the UK. They were both about 50 when they got together she had a professional career. He took her to visit my parents once. My mum kept explaining to her that we have central heating on this country and what it is and how it works. He didn't do it again.

Oh my goodness my parents are like this - my mother didn’t work for years (and showed no desire to get a job even when our family really needed the cash) but you should hear her when she gets on her soapbox on about ‘civil servants working from home’ and how young people have a ‘poor work ethic’ and ‘all want something for nothing’!

I am your parents generation. My parents are dead but into their 80s they were kind tolerant people.
While I think some people drift to the right I don't think they fundimentally change from being nice people to bigots.

I think I am mostly very left wing with some centre and right tendencies. DH is pretty right wing though would never express the sort of views you describe.
DH and I are both retired and so life isn't as exciting as it was but we both have interests and hobbies.
When our adult DC come over we talk about everything from politics to about their lives. They have different views than us on some things but agree on many, I think they enjoy our company. I would be mortified to ever think my DC dreaded visiting.
There's only one subject I have never raised that I think they would disagree with and think badly of me, and that is my gender critical views.

This thread is so cathartic. I have been feeling so depressed since seeing my folks yesterday and calling them out on their crap opinions (not a difference of opinion, just honestly, crap ones), I was exhausted and down. This thread has cheered me up as I had a real downer on them but realise it's not just them.
I love them, I just don't like them very much these days.

Oh my god! You're so right.

We've bought them memberships to Historic England, guide books for walks, made suggestions about great places we've been for a day out that they should try. None of it works.

I just wish they'd try and get a bit of balance to their lives, and I think a more balanced outlook would come with it.

Life is a monotonous combination of walking somewhere near the house, trip to the supermarket or a trip to the Dr for something.

I find my mother a bit like this, and it drives my DP mad. Whenever we go to see her, we'll ask how she is and the response is always 'don't ask'. Then there will be a long, very very detailed rant about something she actually told us the last time we visited (usually 'rubbish' service from someone/organisation she has dealt with), and if we try to diplomatically say that she mentioned it on our last visit, she'll just carry on anyway.

Then there is always a moan about immigrants, strikes, 'young people today...' and anything else that she's read in the Daily Mail. Once she's finished venting she'll go into great depth about the latest detective novel she is reading. She goes into so much detail I feel I could write the TV adaptation of the book.

Yesterday her 'strikes' monologue went on for around 20mins ('why should tax payers pay more for nurses and teachers pay, we all have to cope with the cost of living increase, we can't afford for wages to go up in line with inflation, the need to get their arses back to work, we don't pay for them not to work...').

I think if I had mentioned at that point the 10.1% pension uplift she'll get next month, I think she may have spontaneously combusted. 😂

This made me laugh. I asked my mum why she hasn't asked her Dr a question that would take 2 seconds "I don't have to ask questions!" She has no hobbies, no friends, no family visits. Just multiple trips to Tesco to fill her time. Wtaf is more pressing than asking " why is that then?"

A lot of older folk are like this. My parents still use the word 'coloured' to refer to black people no matter how many times I correct them. They think it's more polite!
There is no point in getting angry about it. Just cringe inwardly and change the subject!

Sympathies OP mine can be like this and because I live overseas I have to put up with them visiting for WEEKS or even A MONTH at a time 😭😬

Glad it isn't just me.

I have realised that as I have got older, their generosity and warmth was strictly for those nearest and dearest. Outside immediate family their views got very dodgy indeed.

My father now is a bigot and a racist, and quite frankly not that bright. I say now...looking back I guess he always has beenHe's been kind and generous to me, partner and DC and to those HE believes are deserving ( spoiler alert - it's the church) .

I think maybe it's a generation thing ( he's in his 80's), who believe that everything in the paper and on the news is the total impartial , no biased truth. Like many of his generation he is a daily mail reader and a BBC News watcher. Now, we know how problematic that is.

I've pulled him up a few times for nasty comments in front of my DC about immigrants and ..unbelievably...female sports presenters.

The OP's original list is the usual rant as well when he gets going.

It's the lack of empathy and understanding that I find upsetting, and the stubbornness to still be a Tory after everything they have done to this country.

I love him in and all that, but blimey is he difficult to spend time with.

do they read the Daily Mail ? Reading that is the highlight of my parents day they would sit and read that and ignore me so I don’t go anymore

My mum is similar (my dad died getting on for 6 years ago), but perhaps not as obviously extreme as yours.
But sometimes she comes out with stuff that is just bizarre. But then I remember, she's actually had a really narrow experience of life. Grew up very "leafy, upper middle class" in the "nice" part of town, met and married my dad at university, and was then a SAHM going forward. She now lives in a traditionally white and rural part of the country, and all of her friends are just like her. White, upper-middle class retirees from "nice" backgrounds.
She's never met a truly poor person. She knows nothing of poverty or deprivation. She could probably count on 2 hands the number of POC she's spoken to in the past 60 years.
I've said to her before, when we've disagreed about stuff, that she grew up, and still lives in her white middle class bubble.

Honestly, I thought my attempts to educate her had fallen on deaf ears, until we happened to be watching a news report when a man about my age was described as "wise". Mum turned to me and said, "I'd describe you the same way." So maybe something is going in.

Mine are no longer speaking to me since I told them making comments about refuges was offensive when Ukraine was at war and my neighbours were voting Ukrainians well they stopped after they sent me newspaper cuttings from the daily Mail to prove they were right and I was wrong

Totally agree, everything you said is my daily Mail reading mid 70s parents view, well my Dads anyway. I usually avoid politics with him but today on a phone call, he hit a nerve and I let rip about how got the last 13 years the bloody tories have ruined the uk for us and their Grandkids. I hate to admit it but they make me not want to see them as every meeting is a simmering argument. They believe every thing the sodding daily fail prints. And Oh yes as well my daughter has adhd, dyslexia and autism. Which adds to the mix.
I love them dearly but it’s hard.

I always get how poor she is from mum. She has a good pension and hardly spends a penny. She spends about £700 a month less than is coming in but taking her shopping is embarrassing. Last summer she wanted to look for a new outfit for nephew's wedding. She saw a really nice dress that was massively reduced in the sale. She bellowed across the shop "£40 for a dress! That's horrendous". She even complains about ghe prices in Aldi.

I get that too - she’s so poor. I’ve spent loads on getting stuff for her (DP and I have no savings and basically live pay cheque to pay cheque)

A couple of months ago, she gave me a list of things to buy/do for her. I got a receipt for everything. Got a receipt from the bank - she’s got 15k in her current account.

Needless to say I no longer pay for her shopping.