AIBU to admit I hate spending time with my parents.

[SummerLover01]

My parents are in their late 60s, both retired a few years before the pandemic and I think the daily reduction in interaction with people after leaving work, combined with lockdowns has resulted in them losing any notion of an internal filter and they've become this true, unfiltered version of themselves.

They've become so bigoted and narrowminded and judgemental in the last 3 or 4 years.

If it's not all working class people are lazy it's:

People in council estates get everything handed to them on a plate

Young people could easily buy houses if they didn't have expensive mobile phone contracts

There's millions of immigrants coming here to live the life of luxury on every benefit under the sun and stay in hotels like they're on holiday

Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety..... Etc...are all a product of people being too willing to give in and people just need to get on with it

Interest rates were 15% back in their day and people are fussing over nothing

People on strike need to get back to work, if Rishi says there's no more money left then there's no more money left

Brexit is a good thing

Climate change: well, it is what it is

God, as I write it all out it makes me so angry. Feels like any time we spend more than 5 mins talking my parents come out with home dreadful viewpoint, they completely lack empathy and are openly proud of their financial position (house, pension, savings) - most of which in reality have been achieved out of a combination of circumstance and good luck and seem to think that other people who aren't achieving the same level of "success" just aren't trying hard enough

Not sure why they're like this, my friends parents are retired and aren't at all like this, my aunts and uncles are all of a similar age and seem to be decent people...... just not my parents 🙄

Has anyone else found their parents seemed to have changed a lot after retirement and how did you cope with it?

It's interesting. My aunt who is 70s is extremely left-leaning and remains up to date about politics. Very intelligent. However, we have noticed recently, they are starting to get 'taken in' slightly - e.g. by things that are clearly ads but 'look like' a report or similar. Or will read a puff piece in a paper with no data behind it whatsoever - and then start believing that huge numbers of people are doing it.

So it's not all about politics but also about distinguishing fact, in context, from opinion or bad information.

I don’t know why this happens to people after they retire but it’s happened to my lovely mum. She previously worked with a diverse group of people and was well thought of in her job. Successful career too. Now she’s like Eeyore. Constantly talking about how shit everything is, wanting to argue with people about nothing, seems to have lost all tolerance. It’s really sad. She is on antidepressants but they’re clearly not working. I want my mum back.

I end up constantly changing the subject, bringing it back to happier / less controversial subjects, steering clear of politics and immigrants, but I leave her company feeling drained. I don’t know what the answer is.

My dm is mid 70's and ultra "woke" for want of a better way of putting it.
I don't find her easy to spend time with though as she isn't interested in me or my family in any meaningful way. She is also pretty unpleasant at times.
People on the left/progressive aren't any nicer than anyone else.

😄😄

Omg I feel so validated reading all these responses. My parents are the same, admittedly they've always been slightly inclined to the right - but now they come out with the most extreme heartless nonsense about all the things you listed (with the added bonus of also being climate change deniers!) me and DP never know what to say or how to deal with it tbh

This 👆

My MIL actually said climate change is a good thing as she likes hot weather 🤦‍♀️

Just don’t bother with them at all. Let them rot in their bigoted bubble.

I was in a training session recently and someone asked about why people follow conspiracy type theories. The trainer explained that it’s because it’s usually a simple answer for a complex problem, for example someone to blame. When in fact the real answer might be uncertain or very complicated, or there might be no answer.

That makes a lot of sense to me and I can see how people increasingly just get one point of view and then believe that. I presume algorithms on Facebook work on that basis and I think a lot of newly retired people spend time on there. I see it happening to my social media feed too, but the opposite way round.

I also don’t blame people for being persuaded of a theory when the tech and the psychology are so powerful - looking for example at the Brexit campaigning techniques and both the psychology and tech behind it. Its scary stuff.

My parents are like this. My dad was basically always this way but has become more overt about it. My mum has moved to the ‘right’ over time (I’ve put ‘right’ in inverted commas because I don’t think being politically rightwing and being a narrow-minded bigot are necessarily synonymous). Anyway, I find it exhausting and I haven’t seen them since Christmas as a result. Haven’t got plans to see them any time soon.

They have shit opinions and op isn’t obliged to constantly indulge them.

My sister was the same, OP. I found the phrase "meanness is so unattractive" would shut her up.

Cancel their Daily Fail delivery and delete the app on their phones !
Would just like to add it’s not only people of that generation that have these narrow minded opinions and many of your parents age certainly don’t agree with them !
Try and stick to neutral subjects when you see them .

@SummerLover01

Sounds grim and I feel for you.
They'll learn when they're in care homes watching working class staff do tiresome and constant work over 12 hours a day how working class jobs aren't lazy. Point that out.

People always talk about the negative impact of social media on teens. But there's definitely something to be said about social media and this generation too!

Ooh a full thread of ageist shit - thanks Mumsnet!

Happy to hear about how what I said is ageist. I think "people in general" applies to all ages really, and is clearly a mass generalisation.

If it wasn't for a big difference in age I would have assumed you were visiting my grandparents. Interesting to see we aren't alone and this is a common thing. My grandparents are also big daily mail readers, I see them once a week.
Two options really. First is to divert and talk about something else. I find asking about health or the garden to be the most time consuming.
Second option is to challenge their views. People are entitled to different views of course but I think sometimes there is ignorance. For example, my grandparents had no idea why asylum seekers were coming in small boats and not just getting a cheap deal on Ryan Air. They also hadn't given much thought as to why most are men. Once told they haven't brought the subject up again. Could just be a fluke though!

Most people here are talking about their lived experience with their own parents. It would be ageist to suggest, without evidence, that all old people hold these views - but it's not ageist to say "my parents hold these views" if they actually do.

There is some irony in your post. 🤣

It's a thread about parents / in laws. Regardless of age. It literally encompasses people from their 50s to probably 100.

The irony is that we are struggling with our parents bigoted, racist, sexist, xenophobic views which probably includes ageism too!

Usually retirement is the issue in common here. Which comes at a certain stage in life. 😁

I hear you OP and my parents are the exact same. They're mid 70s so not that old.
I live a 3hour drive from them and honestly I have very little desire to actually spend time with them. I do it, but I it it not enjoyable and it rattles me

I do my best to steer the conversation to more neutral topics and sometime I think we've managed it and them bam...my df will lob in some incredibly offensive remark. He does it on purpose to watch for a reaction and then gets all 'offended' when he's pulled up on it and says it was just a joke..

It truly spoils my time with them and makes me dread it and I invariably leave their house pissed off and seething. Why does he have to ruin it?

My mother is unbelievably pass-remarkable people's appearance 'I met Sue's daughter, home from Spain, last week, the big backside on her'...type thing

Every doctor / nurse / serving staff from another ethnicity is commented on with tone of wonder as the first thing said about them oh the doctor was XXX but ever so nice - when pulled up they play the victim 'we were only saying'

Autism / Aspergers / ADHD are off the table due to their comments

I feel despair and depression after spending time in their company and I really am conscious that I don't want this to happen to me and dh with our dc.

My in-laws are very similar, I find these people are over opinionated and too loud. They need to pipe down and stop
Interfering in other people life's.

Tbf insurance rates were very high in maybe late 80 s early 90s. Re rest, well I guess they're entitled to have their own views whether u think their views r crap r not

*Every doctor / nurse / serving staff from another ethnicity is commented on with tone of wonder as the first thing said about them oh the doctor was XXX but ever so nice - when pulled up they play the victim 'we were only saying'

Autism / Aspergers / ADHD are off the table due to their comments*

Oh my goodness. Yes.

I visited mine a few days ago. They launched into a full on rage about how only posh and old NIMBY's live in a certain city. How it's a horrible a place and "full of nonces" and people from "abroad"

I live in that City. It was such a nasty thing to say. They didn't have to say anything. It came out of the blue and was unrelated to the current conversation which was about choosing new curtains :/

Ha, my parents aren't quite as bad but they (well my mum, really) are getting increasingly right-wing in their old age. Not extremist but just casual/unthinking acceptance of Daily Mail type viewpoints on benefits etc.

The ridiculous thing is she only worked for a couple of years before becoming a housewife/SAHM (yes I know it's a valid life choice, but still a bit rich for her to be banging on about 'young people today' having no work ethic etc etc). Plus she and my dad were hippies (living in vehicles etc) and we were very much looked on as scum by society when I was growing up, my dad worked mainly cash in hand and they claimed every benefit they could... but somehow that was different and fine and absolutely not the same as all these single mothers and immigrants with their wide screen TVs etc nowadays 😳.

I love my mum but have to firmly steer her away from any kind of political discussion so as not to get angry!

This makes sense to me. It’s such a complex world we live in nowadays with so many nuanced arguments, no wonder people grab on to what they perceive to be the easiest and safest pov, and as you say, algorithms only serve to reinforce certain prejudices again and again.

That’s no excuse btw but it is certainly an explanation. People want their news delivered in short sound bite certainties. Anything else is too scary and overwhelming it seems.