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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bored with close female friends

146 replies

Vijia · 19/03/2023 20:45

We are a small group of 60 year olds and I have to confess that I am feeling guilty for not wanting to hang out with them as much as I used to. I feel awful about it enough. Please can I have your honest opinion?
Ok, so, I used to have a lot of time for dog walks and hearing my friends out about their problems at work and be very good at listening. I wasn't working at the time SAHM until my youngest went to university.

My friends would say I needed to slow down and stop hanging out with my adult DC, doing things like biking and surfing with them.

They would comment about my weight and fitness but not in a good way.

Lately they have been saying they are tired a lot and can't walk as much as they used to as they are slowing down, being the natural part of growing older.

My adult DC have come back to live at home after finding the London rent too much and often invite me out on really fun camping trips, wild swimming, climbing, mountain biking, surfing etc.

I am getting fitter and absolutely love it that they invite me and have so much fun.

I have also started working full time so I enjoy spending weekends actively after a week in the office.

I have found that I don't want to spend my precious downtime with people who bring me down and niggle at me and I avoid saying what I am doing at the weekend now and it is easier just not to touch base with them anymore because I don't want to bore them with what I am getting up to.

They prefer pottering in the garden in the summer and watching TV and eating loads, they are all overweight and have niggly knees and backs because of it.

I don't feel I have anything in common with them anymore but I would love to meet other like minded people my age but do they exist?!

I have forged great relationships with my DC through these activities and no one talks about age.

Am I being unreasonable to have dropped these good people and will I regret it in the long term?

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 20:51

I don't feel I have anything in common with them anymore but I would love to meet other like minded people my age but do they exist?!
Friends can have different interests, but friends don't constantly criticise each other. These women don't sound like friends.

Am I being unreasonable to have dropped these good people and will I regret it in the long term?
No, they constantly criticise you.
What's to regret?

I have forged great relationships with my DC through these activities and no one talks about age.
You point above about like-minded people - you'll find them anywhere, when you're out & doing stuff, & it's not age-related. I have friends spanning decades, it's not only not an issue, it makes for a richer & more mind-opening experience, to have several different viewpoints.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/03/2023 21:01

Well, it doesn't sound as if you like them, and they clearly feel insecure about your more youthful outlook, so it seems reasonable to spend less time with them.

But I would absolutely seek a like minded group of friends roughly my own age, rather than relying on my DC for company in the long term.

maddening · 19/03/2023 21:19

I think it is weird to not be able to be friends with people that like different things to you.

With these friends you have a shared history, it is fine that they don't like skateboarding etc building up other friendships which rely on a shared interest is also fine, but it seems a pity to reject long standing friends because they are no longer cool enough if they are still nice thoughtful people.

704703hey · 19/03/2023 21:24

Don't drop them entirely, just scale back contact for now.

Sounds like you have a new lease of life and they want peace and quiet so you're a bit out of sync at present. Your children will move on in due course and you don't want to limit yourself.

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:29

it sounds like you might have some sort of anxiety about getting old…:like you’re throwing yourself into keeping young and are worried these friends remind you that you are in your 60s?

If you were secure about your age I think you’d be able to handle spending time with all sorts of people.

Its daft to throw away your old friends. If they’re bringing you down / frustrating you with your views then spend a bit less time with them but don’t throw them away. Imagine what would happen if you do your knees in or something on a surfing trip and can no longer keep up with your more youthful friends? You might be wishing you had your old mates around to spend time with then.

Clymene · 19/03/2023 21:31

It doesn't sound like you like them any more than they like you. You do need to find active friends your own age though.

I'm your age but I've always worked full time so don't feel like having an active life is anything to write home about.

K0612 · 19/03/2023 21:32

We aren't the same age but I feel I have less in common with my life long friends from school. I've made good friends through work who are younger than me but we like the same things. I still see my school friends too but not as often. I'd say make friends with some younger people or people with shared interests.

Quitelikeacatslife · 19/03/2023 21:35

You say they are niggling but you sound like you are judging them actually. Have you thought how you are around them. Are you eye rolling and behaving like a 60 year old tigger? Or looking for shared interests and history?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 21:38

It doesn't sound like you like them any more than they like you. You do need to find active friends your own age though.

Why do they have to be OP's age?

IhearyouClemFandango · 19/03/2023 21:38

Just remember that hopefully, your kids will move on at some point. By all means hang out and have fun, and do whatever activities take your fancy. But bear in mind that you are judging them just as much as you feel that they are judging you.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 21:39

Quitelikeacatslife · 19/03/2023 21:35

You say they are niggling but you sound like you are judging them actually. Have you thought how you are around them. Are you eye rolling and behaving like a 60 year old tigger? Or looking for shared interests and history?

I judge them too. They sound nasty.

My friends would say I needed to slow down and stop hanging out with my adult DC, doing things like biking and surfing with them.

They would comment about my weight and fitness but not in a good way

Templebreedy · 19/03/2023 21:40

I think you should ask yourself what’s really going on here. From your OP, it sounds as if you were fine with these people when your own life was dull, you were a SAHM to children who were old enough not to need intensive parenting, and you dogwalked and listened a lot. Now you have a FT job and adult home-living children who take you out doing physical stuff you enjoy, you feel these friends are way duller than you.

It doesn’t sound like there’s much real liking at play here from either side.

UWhatNow · 19/03/2023 21:41

“They prefer pottering in the garden in the summer and watching TV and eating loads, they are all overweight and have niggly knees and backs because of it.”

That sounds very judgey and a bit snide. You’re clearly superior in every way to your dull fat friends so of course you’re NBU to ditch those unhealthy losers. Equally they’re entitled to their sedate dignified leisure time without spiteful fake friends. Call it a day for both your sakes.

Albiboba · 19/03/2023 21:46

It sounds like you don’t like them much either. You say they comment on your weight and fitness, but not in a good way and you snip about their weight and fitness right back, again not in a good way.

Imo it’s stupid to think your friends always have to have the exact same interests as you at all times through life. Normally friendships ebb and flow over the years and people find it normal for their friends to have other interests.
If you can’t possibly be friends with these women because they don’t camp or mountain bike on the weekend then I guess that’s your answer, but cutting out your life long friends now that your adult children temporarily have more time doesn’t seem that wise.

99victoria · 19/03/2023 21:56

I agree - I think you sound very perjorative. You obviously think you are superior to your 'friends' because you are fitter and slimmer than they are and you resent the fact that they don't all fawn over you because of it.
I'm in my 60s and I run at least twice a week and go to the gym to do resistance training a couple of times a week. I often go on long walks (6-10 miles) with my OH or friends who also like to do physical activities. On the other hand I also have friends who have physical limitations because of accident or illness and I enjoy their company too - we meet to have coffee or go for lunch, or we go shopping or to the cinema or theatre. Life is about balance

AskAwayAgain · 19/03/2023 21:57

You are being unreasonable to only rely on your DCs for friendship.
I am about this age and all my friends are ultra sporty. All can no longer do what they sued to do physically. For example, playing rugby competitively.
You were unfit so are able to do more than you used to and do not feel like you are ageing. If you had always been very fit you would feel the ageing process.

Original poster
Vijia · 19/03/2023 22:06

Food for thought, thank you. Yes, I do judge I suppose. I am not sure if it's insecurity about growing older but I do like to be active and I suppose for many years I have been contained somewhat with having younger DC to look after and friends who wanted to do things but not in the same way.

I love having 20 + year olds around who are doing stuff like wild swimming so it's like a breathe of fresh air. I have never had friends who are interested in this and don't know where I would find them.

I really don't identify with other 60 year olds that I know any more. Perhaps it's because I have recently got a new full time job so I am back to what I was like pre children and family.

I don't feel ready for slowing down and I feel a new lease of life. I am not interested in being an ear for life's woes anymore.

Equally I don't want to be Tigger around Eeyore's in life so I think I will meet up with my old friends but bury the new me and bring out the old me when I am around them as they are have noticed I have stepped right back and aren't happy with me about it.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 19/03/2023 22:07

They just have different interests to you. You’re no better or worse than them, you’ve just outgrown each other. Good for you that you do all this physical energetic stuff, but just be mindful that your friends might have health issues which prevent them from doing much more than ‘pottering in the garden’. You do you, and let them do what they enjoy without judgement.

thedogsmum · 19/03/2023 22:13

As others have said, being dependent on your adult children for your social life isn't necessarily sustainable.
What about when they leave home again?
Or have kids and don't have time to do fun stuff with you at the weekends?
Or have partners who don't want to spend their weekends with their MIL?

AskAwayAgain · 19/03/2023 22:20

You meet active friends through sports and hiking groups.

Dymaxion · 19/03/2023 22:22

Ok, so, I used to have a lot of time for dog walks and hearing my friends out about their problems at work and be very good at listening. I wasn't working at the time SAHM until my youngest went to university.

So whilst your friends were working and you were listening to their problems on your dog walks, you had the benefit of at least 20 years of being a SAHM ? That is quite a privilege !

SarahDippity · 19/03/2023 22:27

I think you have to widen your circle of friends beyond your current friends and your children. The best source to meet new like-minded people is at a hobby group. You need to have people that give you oxygen and energy. Hiking groups, swimming, cycling, choir, etc - you could try the Meetup app or Facebook groups in your locality. If it doesn’t suit you, you can move on. I’d be reluctant to cut ties, but in favour of having a healthy balance. Friends are not just about common interests, but also about looking out for each other, sharing past lived experiences, and helping out if something goes wrong.

MyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 19/03/2023 23:16

Albertus · 19/03/2023 21:29

it sounds like you might have some sort of anxiety about getting old…:like you’re throwing yourself into keeping young and are worried these friends remind you that you are in your 60s?

If you were secure about your age I think you’d be able to handle spending time with all sorts of people.

Its daft to throw away your old friends. If they’re bringing you down / frustrating you with your views then spend a bit less time with them but don’t throw them away. Imagine what would happen if you do your knees in or something on a surfing trip and can no longer keep up with your more youthful friends? You might be wishing you had your old mates around to spend time with then.

I think the issue is that OP’s friends have a problem with her spending time with her grown children pursuing activities that they no longer wish to do. I would just cut back my time with my old friends but not cut them out completely. I’m sure there is something you enjoy about them or you wouldn’t have been friends for so long. Perhaps come up with a response if they keep criticizing your choices?

HeddaGarbled · 19/03/2023 23:20

My friends would say I needed to slow down and stop hanging out with my adult DC, doing things like biking and surfing with them

Yeah, right 🙄

EmmaEmerald · 19/03/2023 23:24

OP "My friends would say I needed to slow down and stop hanging out with my adult DC, doing things like biking and surfing with them."

why would they say that? Seems and odd thing to say.

maybe it's just a time of mismatch. I really struggled when my friends started having children, but there has to be some give and take. I found the kid talk boring, I bet they found me boring sometimes.

on the flip side, I used to be an active gym bunny and am now an overweight sloth. I know my sister is disappointed that I'm not up for activities anymore but we still see each other, we just have to find other stuff to do. She doesn't say it, I can just sort of tell. Your friends might feel a bit judged.