Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bored with close female friends

146 replies

Vijia · 19/03/2023 20:45

We are a small group of 60 year olds and I have to confess that I am feeling guilty for not wanting to hang out with them as much as I used to. I feel awful about it enough. Please can I have your honest opinion?
Ok, so, I used to have a lot of time for dog walks and hearing my friends out about their problems at work and be very good at listening. I wasn't working at the time SAHM until my youngest went to university.

My friends would say I needed to slow down and stop hanging out with my adult DC, doing things like biking and surfing with them.

They would comment about my weight and fitness but not in a good way.

Lately they have been saying they are tired a lot and can't walk as much as they used to as they are slowing down, being the natural part of growing older.

My adult DC have come back to live at home after finding the London rent too much and often invite me out on really fun camping trips, wild swimming, climbing, mountain biking, surfing etc.

I am getting fitter and absolutely love it that they invite me and have so much fun.

I have also started working full time so I enjoy spending weekends actively after a week in the office.

I have found that I don't want to spend my precious downtime with people who bring me down and niggle at me and I avoid saying what I am doing at the weekend now and it is easier just not to touch base with them anymore because I don't want to bore them with what I am getting up to.

They prefer pottering in the garden in the summer and watching TV and eating loads, they are all overweight and have niggly knees and backs because of it.

I don't feel I have anything in common with them anymore but I would love to meet other like minded people my age but do they exist?!

I have forged great relationships with my DC through these activities and no one talks about age.

Am I being unreasonable to have dropped these good people and will I regret it in the long term?

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 17:22

Vija "So you can clearly see the issue, see the solution but the person makes up excuse after excuse why they can't walk the dog but are constantly asking you to fix the damage the dog is causing."

major drip feed. What are they asking you to do about their health?

fairycakes1234 · 20/03/2023 17:24

just meet now and again for a coffee, listen to them moan about their ailments and then go rock climbing when they go home to have a lie down

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/03/2023 17:36

You sound mean.

It says a lot about you as a person that longstanding friendships are that disposable. They were good enough for you when you needed them. Yes people can grow apart but your comments are snide and it smacks of using people.

InsertMoniker · 20/03/2023 17:42

OP does sound like a bit of a fitness bore.

GrandIllusion · 21/03/2023 09:00

The days where people don't take some responsibility for their own health are over. If you know anything at all about the state of elderly care, you would all be making fitness and health your top priority now, whatever your age.

saraclara · 21/03/2023 09:59

GrandIllusion · 21/03/2023 09:00

The days where people don't take some responsibility for their own health are over. If you know anything at all about the state of elderly care, you would all be making fitness and health your top priority now, whatever your age.

And that's a decision that each individual can make. It's not for OP to lecture her friends and snap at them.

It's a lot easier to make the decision to exercise when you're fit and healthy. If her friends already have painful conditions, they're not going to get the pleasure out of it that she does. And being hectored isn't going to motivate them at all.

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 10:08

GrandIllusion · 21/03/2023 09:00

The days where people don't take some responsibility for their own health are over. If you know anything at all about the state of elderly care, you would all be making fitness and health your top priority now, whatever your age.

All that's done for mum is stretch her life to 84. Both my parents looked after their health very carefully indeed. I increasingly see how "not worth it" it is.

Mirabai · 21/03/2023 10:41

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 10:08

All that's done for mum is stretch her life to 84. Both my parents looked after their health very carefully indeed. I increasingly see how "not worth it" it is.

Show quote history

What an odd post, 84 is hardly a “stretch”. I know plenty of fit and healthy 84 year olds who lead full and enjoyable lives.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/03/2023 10:46

I would hate to think my mates don't want to hang out with me now because I have developed a hip issue and find walking much more difficult. That makes me feel very sad. I understand there are other issues at play here but that stood out to me. I'm still fun to be around even if i can't walk far.

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 11:01

Mirabai · 21/03/2023 10:41

What an odd post, 84 is hardly a “stretch”. I know plenty of fit and healthy 84 year olds who lead full and enjoyable lives.

Show quote history

I guess it depends on your definition of fit and healthy, and how long they wanted to live.

CitizenofMoronia · 21/03/2023 11:05

Hi, look on Facebook for wild women, wild wonderers, etc which are groups for women who meet up for outdoorsy stuff, no age limits and plenty of 50+

Mirabai · 21/03/2023 11:32

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 11:01

I guess it depends on your definition of fit and healthy, and how long they wanted to live.

Show quote history

Travelling to Europe, America, Australia, cycling, long, going to theatre, ballet, opera, museums, galleries, spending time with their famIlies in different parts of the country, still entertaining. I know one 93 year old who is still writing and publishing books.

AuntieMarys · 21/03/2023 11:51

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 13:59

AuntieMarys how old are your inlaws and are you mean to them about their ailments?

In their 60s, same as us. I don't really engage in conversation with them as we see them so seldom. Never socialise with them.
I never mention their ailments which are all brought on by heavy smoking and drinking.

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 12:34

AuntieMarys · 21/03/2023 11:51

In their 60s, same as us. I don't really engage in conversation with them as we see them so seldom. Never socialise with them.
I never mention their ailments which are all brought on by heavy smoking and drinking.

Show quote history

Total brain fail here sorry 😂

I heard in laws as PILs!

AuntieMarys · 21/03/2023 12:39

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 12:34

Total brain fail here sorry 😂

I heard in laws as PILs!

Show quote history

Ha! No they'd be over 100 now!!!!

phoenixrosehere · 21/03/2023 12:45

saraclara · 21/03/2023 09:59

And that's a decision that each individual can make. It's not for OP to lecture her friends and snap at them.

It's a lot easier to make the decision to exercise when you're fit and healthy. If her friends already have painful conditions, they're not going to get the pleasure out of it that she does. And being hectored isn't going to motivate them at all.

Show quote history

That goes both ways does it not?

It’s not on them either to tell her to slow down, comment negatively about her weight, fitness, and relationship with her adult children.

Avarua2 · 21/03/2023 13:02

Total fitness bore vibes coming from the OP:

I am not exact steel buttocked 😂but I have a positive attitude, a healthy diet and plenty of exercise has been good for me so I wish I had like-minded friends

saraclara · 21/03/2023 13:06

phoenixrosehere · 21/03/2023 12:45

That goes both ways does it not?

It’s not on them either to tell her to slow down, comment negatively about her weight, fitness, and relationship with her adult children.

Show quote history

They probably wouldn't if she didn't preach at them.

saraclara · 21/03/2023 13:09

Mirabai · 21/03/2023 10:41

What an odd post, 84 is hardly a “stretch”. I know plenty of fit and healthy 84 year olds who lead full and enjoyable lives.

Show quote history

What I took from that post was that the poster's mum has dementia.

I too, wished that my MIL hadn't kept herself so fit and healthy. Maybe she wouldn't have had to suffer for so long (10 years) with dementia. She was certainly the longest term resident at her dementia care home.

Mirabai · 21/03/2023 13:23

Poster doesn’t mention dementia.

Mirabai · 21/03/2023 13:29

At 85 some people are already dead, some are living with age related conditions and illnesses in a wide range of severity, some are still fit and active without any major health challenges.

The ones who stay fit and active post 60 are the ones who have the best chance of a fit and active old age.

AskAwayAgain · 21/03/2023 13:42

I don't know plenty of fit and active 84 year olds. A few, but they are clearly the exception. I know plenty who have died before this age.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2023 13:45

You don't seem to like them very much so yanbu to not hang out with them. T h sounds like you're too busy anyway so just be honest if they invite you and it'll fade away.

Enty of 6p to aren't toddling around their gardens, obese and counting down to death so just keep doing what you're doing and you'll meet like minded people.

Mirabai · 21/03/2023 13:46

They’re definitely not the exception among the ones I know, although I did say some are already dead. Of the ones who are left standing - they’re all fairly active.

AskAwayAgain · 21/03/2023 13:50

@Mirabai Are you very well off? Generally healthy life expectancy is closely correlated with wealth.
I am poor.