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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bored with close female friends

146 replies

Vijia · 19/03/2023 20:45

We are a small group of 60 year olds and I have to confess that I am feeling guilty for not wanting to hang out with them as much as I used to. I feel awful about it enough. Please can I have your honest opinion?
Ok, so, I used to have a lot of time for dog walks and hearing my friends out about their problems at work and be very good at listening. I wasn't working at the time SAHM until my youngest went to university.

My friends would say I needed to slow down and stop hanging out with my adult DC, doing things like biking and surfing with them.

They would comment about my weight and fitness but not in a good way.

Lately they have been saying they are tired a lot and can't walk as much as they used to as they are slowing down, being the natural part of growing older.

My adult DC have come back to live at home after finding the London rent too much and often invite me out on really fun camping trips, wild swimming, climbing, mountain biking, surfing etc.

I am getting fitter and absolutely love it that they invite me and have so much fun.

I have also started working full time so I enjoy spending weekends actively after a week in the office.

I have found that I don't want to spend my precious downtime with people who bring me down and niggle at me and I avoid saying what I am doing at the weekend now and it is easier just not to touch base with them anymore because I don't want to bore them with what I am getting up to.

They prefer pottering in the garden in the summer and watching TV and eating loads, they are all overweight and have niggly knees and backs because of it.

I don't feel I have anything in common with them anymore but I would love to meet other like minded people my age but do they exist?!

I have forged great relationships with my DC through these activities and no one talks about age.

Am I being unreasonable to have dropped these good people and will I regret it in the long term?

OP posts:
JaneFondue · 20/03/2023 11:54

I realise this is not the point of the thread but how do your adult children want to spend time with you? Mine don't. :(

Slimjimtobe · 20/03/2023 11:56

You are not better than these women and sound quite self absorbed and judgemental - if they knew you were thinking of them in this manner they wouldn’t be friends with you

by the way the gym I go to organise social events and there are lots of over 60s there exerting themselves and befriending each other so maybe join a group

Rabblemum · 20/03/2023 11:59

Drop them. These "friends" want you to as unhealthy, boring and half dead as them. You're a threat to their cosy crew who want to be old before their time.

bigbluebus · 20/03/2023 12:00

I understand what you are saying OP. DH and I (60) do a lot of walking, cycling and keeping fit. Many friends of our age cannot do what we do. Whilst they don't criticise, I do get fed up of them saying "but you're so fit ". Well yes, because I don't jump in the car to go half a mile to the shop and I don't think anything of walking 5 miles just for something to do. Consequently we only see them when it's at a venue. We are fortunate to have some younger friends who we do outdoor activities with - including holidays and camping. I've no doubt we will eventually be relegated by them as we get too old to keep up but for now we appreciate the different friendship groups for what they are.

Rabblemum · 20/03/2023 12:03

Agreed, they sound like they want the poster to stay miserable and compare aches and pains; The poster sounds like she wants to lives before she dies.

I'm with the lady who wrote the post.

steff13 · 20/03/2023 12:04

Vijia · 20/03/2023 11:24

The one I was the most unkind to has messaged me to say she has joined a gym.

😮

Why are you being unkind to people?

winelove · 20/03/2023 12:31

I suspect you weren't unkind, just said it how you saw it. Maybe a bit blunt. It obviously hit a nerve and she has done something about it. How about you organise something that interests you and challenges them. Maybe a weekend away in a nice cottage and a hike. Do it at their pace.
I am 57 nearly 58 and feel it is important to continue to challenge myself. I am fitish but also over weight. My friends range from in her 70's to my own age and 15 years younger (for going out and drinking too much).
I am going to grow old disgracefully!
There are some great solo holidays out there for you to do and some great adventures. For my 60th, my plan is a big solo holiday to somewhere amazing. Friends are welcome to come but I am booking it myself and if they want to come they can tag along.
BTW I do like gardening and watching bad telly also!

5128gap · 20/03/2023 12:44

I'm 50s and hang out with my adult DC, and colleagues and friends a lot younger than me a lot too. I've also in the last couple of years overhauled my diet and fitness and feel 20 years younger than I did.
But...However good I feel, I'm not in my 20s, and as fun as it is to have another go round with the gigs, holidays, clubs, I know I wouldn't want that as my whole life. For one thing, it's tiring. For another, there's something about people with the same points of reference, that understand my life stage and history that is equally important. My same age friends might want to go home earlier, or walk a bit slower, but I'm fairly sure my young friends feel the same about me at times.
So, it's balance I think and not letting the excitement of being an honorary young person overshadow the value of what can be gained from same age companions.

Rabblemum · 20/03/2023 12:45

Why shouldn't this lady be pleased with getting healthy, it's an achievement like an any other.

Notadramallama · 20/03/2023 12:46

check out Love Her Wild on facebook and make some new friends who are into outdoors adventures!

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/03/2023 12:49

You can't put a value on close friends. When something happens to you your friends are the ones who understand because they are your age and have probably gone through whatever it is you are experiencing because you are all of a similar age.

Sure you are youthful, but your children are not your friends like these ones you have known for a lifetime and you will come to realise this.

I am saying this as a women very close to birthday 68 who is active like you. Unlike you I don't have any hang ups and accept my age and what comes with it

Floppyelf · 20/03/2023 12:52

Vijia · 20/03/2023 08:39

@hamstersarse I agree totally. I admit I haven't been kind because I did snap at one friend for exactly as you describe.

There I said it. I can't go back to being kind and patient to people who can't see they have agency in their own life style choices.

I am talking about people in a high socio economic group here who have a lot of choices compared to many in the population who don't.

They sound like a bag of hateful bats. Drop like a stone keeping you stuck and enjoy your life.

phoenixrosehere · 20/03/2023 12:59

steff13 · 20/03/2023 12:04

Why are you being unkind to people?

Show quote history

Probably became fed up of them being unkind to her as written in her first post.

5128gap · 20/03/2023 13:00

Oh, and will you come to regret it if you drop your long term friends for your last hurrah self IDing as a young person? You betcha.
Any of us who get a second wind in middle age, are hanging on by our fingertips, and sooner or later will either get bored of the deja vu, or our age will catch up. We might still be active, but active for our age, not for a 20 something, and where will we be then if we've thrown out all our real friends?
Fortunately it doesn't have to be either/or. Enjoy both.

AuntieMarys · 20/03/2023 13:01

bigbluebus · 20/03/2023 12:00

I understand what you are saying OP. DH and I (60) do a lot of walking, cycling and keeping fit. Many friends of our age cannot do what we do. Whilst they don't criticise, I do get fed up of them saying "but you're so fit ". Well yes, because I don't jump in the car to go half a mile to the shop and I don't think anything of walking 5 miles just for something to do. Consequently we only see them when it's at a venue. We are fortunate to have some younger friends who we do outdoor activities with - including holidays and camping. I've no doubt we will eventually be relegated by them as we get too old to keep up but for now we appreciate the different friendship groups for what they are.

Yes we get this from inlaws. They can't understand why we like 7 mile walks in our 60s, are veggie and like going to gigs. They then moan about all their ailments.
Luckily we only see them at funerals now.

saraclara · 20/03/2023 13:02

While I'm not as critical of my old friends as you seem to be of yours, I do identify with your issue.

I find myself wanting to spend less and less time with my friends of my age, and more with my younger friends.

I and my similar aged friends all seem to have a lot of stress in our lives, due to our demographic. Very elderly parents who need a lot of care or difficult decisions making, adult children or grandchildren with various issues.that we worry about, and an abundance of health issues and scares. Not to mention bereavements. Getting old isn't for the faint hearted.

When I meet up with friends, I want to distract myself from these worries. Have fun. Take my mind off it all. But most of my similarly aged friends want to use these meet ups to vent and share with those who understand.

Neither of us is wrong, and it's important to talk about worries. But I come away from virtually every catch up with my friend my age, feeling worse than I did when I arrived.

Add into that that some of them have become more right wing with age, and if anything I've strayed more to the left, and...well, much as I want to be supportive to my loyal friends, I just don't enjoy their company like I used to.

There's no real answer sadly. I find we just meet up less than we did. And I try to meet up more with my younger, more positive friends.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 13:59

AuntieMarys how old are your inlaws and are you mean to them about their ailments?

momtoboys · 20/03/2023 14:03

I'm sure this reference will not be recognized by many but I picture you doing the Superior Dance from Saturday Night Live while you type your post.

cilllla · 20/03/2023 14:41

Join a cycling club! Lots of older women are into cycling, and you might find some are up for all the other fun things you do.

I think your friends sound a bit jealous.

Original poster
Vijia · 20/03/2023 14:50

I am not routinely unkind. I snapped.

I have been friends with this group for over 20 years and have, as I said, been helpful and kind throughout.

My patience wore thin at being told they don't have time for x when the truth of the matter was that x simply was not a priority for them.

Rather like someone saying they haven't got the time to walk their dog even though the dog is bored, big, young, needs the exercise and being destructive because of it, but the person ignores all this and instead spends hours playing games online.

So you can clearly see the issue, see the solution but the person makes up excuse after excuse why they can't walk the dog but are constantly asking you to fix the damage the dog is causing.

After years, patience wears thin.

OP posts:
chevvyroo · 20/03/2023 14:51

UWhatNow · 19/03/2023 21:41

“They prefer pottering in the garden in the summer and watching TV and eating loads, they are all overweight and have niggly knees and backs because of it.”

That sounds very judgey and a bit snide. You’re clearly superior in every way to your dull fat friends so of course you’re NBU to ditch those unhealthy losers. Equally they’re entitled to their sedate dignified leisure time without spiteful fake friends. Call it a day for both your sakes.

TBH I got a bit of this vibe from your OP.

saraclara · 20/03/2023 15:02

Vijia · 20/03/2023 14:50

I am not routinely unkind. I snapped.

I have been friends with this group for over 20 years and have, as I said, been helpful and kind throughout.

My patience wore thin at being told they don't have time for x when the truth of the matter was that x simply was not a priority for them.

Rather like someone saying they haven't got the time to walk their dog even though the dog is bored, big, young, needs the exercise and being destructive because of it, but the person ignores all this and instead spends hours playing games online.

So you can clearly see the issue, see the solution but the person makes up excuse after excuse why they can't walk the dog but are constantly asking you to fix the damage the dog is causing.

After years, patience wears thin.

So you told them they should do more exercise, they told you that they don''t have time, and you snapped at them.

You sound uncomfortably like one of those people that preaches at people who don't enjoy the same things that you do. It's great if your favoured activity is a healthy one. That makes it easy, whether it's the enthusiastic cook making eveything from scratch, or the person who loves sports taking lots of exercise.

But there's nothing more annoying when someone who loves this stuff preaches at you that you should be doing it too, when it's something you hate or find hard.
I'd have been the one snapping at you, to be honest, if you preached to me how I should spend my time. Even though I've just come back from the gym and I'll be cooking something healthy from scratch tonight. (Though if I'm honest, only a minority of my days are like today!)

phoenixrosehere · 20/03/2023 16:05

OP. I think the question you should ask yourself is if the worse were to happen, would these friends show up. Are they supportive of you? Would they go to something that you enjoy even if it’s not really their thing to spend time with you their friend.

I would have downgraded them when they started criticising your weight and fitness and telling you what you should do with your own adult children and to slow down. Why is the relationship between you and your adult children any of their business, especially when they’re inviting you?

I also think there is a difference of thinking such things and actually saying them. I think it says something that you feel guilty for finally snapping yet did they feel guilty for making negative comments about you likely not since they kept making them to the point you snapped in the first place.

InsertMoniker · 20/03/2023 16:34

The one I was the most unkind to has messaged me to say she has joined a gym

That was very sudden.

Notonthestairs · 20/03/2023 16:39

Anyone can withdraw their friendship at any time for any reason.

The Op is free to change her lifestyle as she wishes.

But starting a thread dismissing all of her previous friends as boring seems rather petty and an exercise in searching for validation.

You can politely disengage with people you've outgrown without being unkind. It's not an argument worth winning.