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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bored with close female friends

146 replies

Vijia · 19/03/2023 20:45

We are a small group of 60 year olds and I have to confess that I am feeling guilty for not wanting to hang out with them as much as I used to. I feel awful about it enough. Please can I have your honest opinion?
Ok, so, I used to have a lot of time for dog walks and hearing my friends out about their problems at work and be very good at listening. I wasn't working at the time SAHM until my youngest went to university.

My friends would say I needed to slow down and stop hanging out with my adult DC, doing things like biking and surfing with them.

They would comment about my weight and fitness but not in a good way.

Lately they have been saying they are tired a lot and can't walk as much as they used to as they are slowing down, being the natural part of growing older.

My adult DC have come back to live at home after finding the London rent too much and often invite me out on really fun camping trips, wild swimming, climbing, mountain biking, surfing etc.

I am getting fitter and absolutely love it that they invite me and have so much fun.

I have also started working full time so I enjoy spending weekends actively after a week in the office.

I have found that I don't want to spend my precious downtime with people who bring me down and niggle at me and I avoid saying what I am doing at the weekend now and it is easier just not to touch base with them anymore because I don't want to bore them with what I am getting up to.

They prefer pottering in the garden in the summer and watching TV and eating loads, they are all overweight and have niggly knees and backs because of it.

I don't feel I have anything in common with them anymore but I would love to meet other like minded people my age but do they exist?!

I have forged great relationships with my DC through these activities and no one talks about age.

Am I being unreasonable to have dropped these good people and will I regret it in the long term?

OP posts:
Lobelia123 · 20/03/2023 08:34

Someone up thread said they felt you were insecure with ageing and were trying to stay young....I dont agree with this. I think people age differently, just as we mature differently. I remember when i was 16 thorugh to about 23, how different all my friends were as we all entered the next stage of our lives....some stayed child-like for ages, others were precocious and going out to clubs and had weekend jobs etc really early! Its the same at every stage of life from career and work life to relationships and families. You are ageing a bit differently from your mates....its not wrong r right, just different and not intended as a judgement on their lives. Just try to keep the big picture in mind, respecting your many years of friendship and shared experiences, but dont change who you are and all the new discoveries of what you love and are enjoying, just to fit into some kind of box they have about what getting older should look like. Like all things in life, take the good....ie the shared memories and the good hearted people, and leave the rest (ie th ejudgement and disapproval) - or at least disregard it and dont give it power over you. If they are fond of you they will bear with it, just as you do with them, and gradually you will become the crazy friend whose craziness they will end up loving. And from your side, spending a cosy afternoon having tea or lunch and a relaxed catch up might be a refreshing change from action stuff and going out.

AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 08:36

How long have your adult dc been at home. Surely soonish they should be off, with partner, putting deposit down on place ideally? Job taking them to London / another city / abroad.

Ah, good old mumsnet. 🤣

Original poster
Vijia · 20/03/2023 08:39

@hamstersarse I agree totally. I admit I haven't been kind because I did snap at one friend for exactly as you describe.

There I said it. I can't go back to being kind and patient to people who can't see they have agency in their own life style choices.

I am talking about people in a high socio economic group here who have a lot of choices compared to many in the population who don't.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 20/03/2023 08:40

Posters here supposedly “opening your eyes” are just doing exactly want your friends are doing - knee-jerk criticising you because they take your lifestyle and health and fitness as a kind of judgement. They may be overweight themselves.

There are plenty of active 60somethings around, just as there are plenty of 60somethings who are content to lean in to old age.

I would cultivate more active friends your age with whom you have more in common - join local walking, cycling groups, book groups, local history or art history groups, travel groups, local voluntary work. There’s lots of activity and cultural holidays aimed at your age group too.

Stay in touch with your old mates but accept you’re not on the same page as this particular bunch right now/any more.

A friend of my father has just been on his second round the world trip with his second grandson at the age of 85 (the first was with his first grandson a few years ago). They both enjoyed it enormously.

borntobequiet · 20/03/2023 08:40

You do sound quite tiresome to be around and unreasonably pleased about your health, fitness and affinity with younger people. If you don’t want to spend time with your “friends” (you seem to rather look down on them), then don’t.

SpecialDeliveryServiceIsNeverOnTime · 20/03/2023 08:41

Vijia · 20/03/2023 08:39

@hamstersarse I agree totally. I admit I haven't been kind because I did snap at one friend for exactly as you describe.

There I said it. I can't go back to being kind and patient to people who can't see they have agency in their own life style choices.

I am talking about people in a high socio economic group here who have a lot of choices compared to many in the population who don't.

You need to move on from these friends for their benefit then. If you have such contempt for how they choose to live their lives then you should absolutely go and find friends more like you. Good luck to you.

SpecialDeliveryServiceIsNeverOnTime · 20/03/2023 08:43

AllOfThemWitches · 20/03/2023 08:36

How long have your adult dc been at home. Surely soonish they should be off, with partner, putting deposit down on place ideally? Job taking them to London / another city / abroad.

Ah, good old mumsnet. 🤣

What’s mumsnet about this? Of course the kids should move out after not too long and presumably the point of moving home was to save (likely towards a deposit).

Original poster
Vijia · 20/03/2023 08:51

Some interesting themes here thank you. Yes, I can see that we are aging differently and at different stages.

I was a late developer and didn't want to get married or have children until my 30s when everyone else was hooking up a lot earlier so I was a bit on my own at that stage of my life 😂

I'm having the best years of my life now and I know it won't last forever.

OP posts:
youngerself · 20/03/2023 08:51

I'm your age. I have shed friends and I can totally see your pov. I'm not interested in spending hours in pubs anymore as some friends did or going out for coffee and cake as a primary activity. I would love to have more active friends but unfortunately one way and another the ones I had have moved abroad.
I'm moving areas when I retire in a couple of years and will start new activities and hope I meet new people.
I'm happy enough with family tbh and don't mind doing stuff on my own. Life's too short to hang about with people who drag you down

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 09:00

OP "I can't go back to being kind and patient to people who can't see they have agency in their own life style choices."

I feel like that when people moan about their kids but I wouldn't snap "well, you chose to have them".

Anoisagusaris · 20/03/2023 09:06

I know more fit and active people in their late 50s-60s than I do 40 somethings, as the latter are all busy raising kids and working whereas the former don’t have child rearing responsibilities and are retiring or were previously SAHMs so have far more free time than my age group.

Notonthestairs · 20/03/2023 09:06

I'm not convinced Op's friends do want to spend more time with her. So I don't really understand the angst.
You've dropped them because they don't fit your new phase and are happy with your life.
Whether that was a decent choice remains to be seen.

SallyWD · 20/03/2023 09:08

Can't you have adventures with your children and then more sedate time with your other friends? Tea and cake or whatever they want to do? I'm in my 40s and do lots of adventurous things but also still enjoy just having a chat over a coffee. I have a friend who's 93 and one of my favourite things to do is go to her house for a gin and tonic and a good old chat. Obviously she can't come mountain biking or wild swimming with me but our time together is great fun.
Of course, if you and your friends just don't like each other any more then that's a different matter!

phoenixrosehere · 20/03/2023 09:24

Notonthestairs · 20/03/2023 09:06

I'm not convinced Op's friends do want to spend more time with her. So I don't really understand the angst.
You've dropped them because they don't fit your new phase and are happy with your life.
Whether that was a decent choice remains to be seen.

Agree.

I also think it’s odd and rude for them to tell her not to spend time with her adult children when her children are asking her to join them. I don’t see how that is a bad thing. It would be different if she was inviting herself but she’s not.

I also think some posters are ignoring the fact that her friends haven’t been particularly kind to her either so it’s not just her yet they’re focusing on her healthier lifestyle and her adult children wanting to spend time with her.

deplorabelle · 20/03/2023 11:18

I think this is a bit of a chicken and egg question. Are your friends mean and jealously dismissive of your new found fitness and adventure, or are they on the defensive because you're unable to disguise your opinion that they are all boring fat lazy cabbages?

Similarly are they suffering from health problems because they didn't get out and exercise like shiny old you, or are they maybe - just maybe - feeling prevented from exercise by the health problems you don't understand and clearly have no empathy with at all? So they are depressed, in pain and less mobile but their so called friend likes to subtly or not so subtly imply this is all their fault for being fat and lazy. Perhaps this friend is also boring on endlessly about triathlon times or gym sessions or whatever? Maybe that might drive them to make the odd snide remark?

Original poster
Vijia · 20/03/2023 11:24

The one I was the most unkind to has messaged me to say she has joined a gym.

😮

OP posts:
Mirabai · 20/03/2023 11:25

deplorabelle · 20/03/2023 11:18

I think this is a bit of a chicken and egg question. Are your friends mean and jealously dismissive of your new found fitness and adventure, or are they on the defensive because you're unable to disguise your opinion that they are all boring fat lazy cabbages?

Similarly are they suffering from health problems because they didn't get out and exercise like shiny old you, or are they maybe - just maybe - feeling prevented from exercise by the health problems you don't understand and clearly have no empathy with at all? So they are depressed, in pain and less mobile but their so called friend likes to subtly or not so subtly imply this is all their fault for being fat and lazy. Perhaps this friend is also boring on endlessly about triathlon times or gym sessions or whatever? Maybe that might drive them to make the odd snide remark?

You’ve invented your own narrative and omitted a key factors of the OP completely - which is that they’re all overweight and their preferred activities are eating, watching tv and gardening.

Being overweight makes you tired and sluggish and causes pain particularly on weight bearing joints like the knees.

They might be depressed as well but exercise is very good for depression too.

Mirabai · 20/03/2023 11:25

Vijia · 20/03/2023 11:24

The one I was the most unkind to has messaged me to say she has joined a gym.

😮

👍🏼

Notonthestairs · 20/03/2023 11:27

Vijia · 20/03/2023 11:24

The one I was the most unkind to has messaged me to say she has joined a gym.

😮

Why did you decide to be unkind to her?

Rainn21 · 20/03/2023 11:40

The wild swimming lake I go to is 90% over 60s every time I’ve ever been. Some of them have formed a group that meet at the weekends for hiking followed by a boozy pub lunch. Could you find something close to you that offers the same? You may find more likeminded people there. Perhaps your friends think it’s a bit sad that you’re only now getting a life because your children have decided to move home and invite you along to their activities having wasted the last 20/30 years of your life working part time and walking your dog? As a 40 something I certainly wouldn’t be interested in having such a boring friend but if they stood by you then surely you could find it in you to stand by them now?

deplorabelle · 20/03/2023 11:40

Mirabai · 20/03/2023 11:25

You’ve invented your own narrative and omitted a key factors of the OP completely - which is that they’re all overweight and their preferred activities are eating, watching tv and gardening.

Being overweight makes you tired and sluggish and causes pain particularly on weight bearing joints like the knees.

They might be depressed as well but exercise is very good for depression too.

Show quote history

Ah well we all know how easy it is to lose weight. How silly of me not to factor that in

farfromthecoast · 20/03/2023 11:43

Have no regrets OP. Life is too short for toxic people.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 11:49

Vijia · 20/03/2023 11:24

The one I was the most unkind to has messaged me to say she has joined a gym.

😮

Are you always unkind to your friends?

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 11:51

Actually you know what
dump your friends

you don't like them and they will instantly lose 8 stone or whatever.

then send them to me, I don't mind what activities people do or don't do.

jemimapuddlepluck · 20/03/2023 11:53

You had years of downtime before you kids went to uni 😂 no wonder you have the energy!

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