I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

[PelvicFlora]

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

Well done Re Pilates classes on his card, that will wake him up a bit. Very sorry about your mum, yes your thinking about that in the back of your mind will have affected your day as well. 💐

Glad he apologized and gave hugs, I think he unintentionally was thoughtless but you have a good guy there.

I’m seeing this……
You said, “I’m going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth”
You meant, “I deserve a break, I’m joking about ruining my body, just reminding you of the awesome job I did bringing the kids into this world”.
He heard, “I’m unhappy about my body and I feel sad”.

He said, “you could do something about your stomach you know”
He meant, “I love you and I don’t want you to hate your body. I can help you fix it”.
You heard, “You’re fat and unattractive and you should do something about it”.

I really think this is classic case of different styles of communication.

This. He's an absolute wanker. I'm so sorry, OP.

A wiser husband would have sympathised with what you went through — I'm thinking particularly the pain of birth and the tear and the risk to continence — and said that you were lovely as you are. Instead he focussed on the most superficial aspect of your post-north body, your mum-tum.

The idea that a woman who's borne him two babies can and should have the body of a women who's never given birth is offensive.

I heard Louise Perry talking about the three stages of a woman's life, and the power which comes with each of them. There's the maiden — the young woman whose power is in her looks. The mother — whose power is in her ability to create and nurture new life. And the matriarch — the wise older woman.

It sounds as if in your interaction your husband failed to acknowledge the power and pain of being a mother and instead suggested he'd like you to step back into tight-tummied maiden mode.

I can understand why you were upset.

@PelvicFlora It's obviously brought up a lot of strong emotions I didn't realise were so close to the surface. I'll be reflecting on this for a little while I think.

Please talk to your H about how much the births have affected you both physically and mentally. He needs to really understand that it isn’t just a case of giving birth and it’s all forgotten about! Many women have trauma when giving birth but society doesn’t like us talking about it.

A wiser wife wouldn't have been Debbie Downer whining about the predictable effects of pregnancy on the human body.

I think that's a tad cruel and minimising of a situation traumatic to the OP, because it sounds like the effects of her pregnancy have been anything but predictable.

You're also talking bollocks @Queenofscones !!

I'm so sorry your partner hurt your feelings with these words.

My DD just turned 1. Changing bodies is only part of all the things mum's have to deal with.

I'm sorry about your 3rd degree tear also, and for the surgery you had to endure.

I had a tear and spent months afterwards worried, anxious and occasionally tearful about the lasting impact it could have. Now I appreciate everything my body has come through and it's still functioning as it is meant to.

Your body has been wonderful to grow and birth your (and his) babies. It deserves to be celebrated even more than your pre baby body.

I give your partner the benefit of the doubt is wasn't intending to be mean. Sit down in a few days when it isn't so painful and explain how it made you feel. How mum tummy's and loose skin is all part of it and not everyone can "bounce back" like we see in magazines.

I think you are over reacting.
You spoke about your body as if you were less than what you wanted to be and your husband could have meant to give you confidence in yourself to try to regain a firm tummy.

Never-the-less, you were hurt. You need to quietly state that you have had a lovely weekend but that you feel hurt. You feel like he doesn't love your tummy that has sacrificed much.

Both parents do sacrifice a lot for their family and you two need to bolster each other and be thankful for each other.
End the weekend on a sweet note.

Hello I’m sorry that happened at the end of Mother’s Day for you. I just wanted to say don’t let his comment make you push yourself too hard at Pilates. Also please please let the teacher know your circumstances and check they are trained to work around internal injury. Don’t let them push you beyond comfort zone either. I have no wish to scare you but just to make you aware of the damage that can be done on top of birth injuries from personal experience . Please get medical advice as well so that you can assess whether an instruction you’re being given will do more damage. And I’m so sorry for your loss.

i just want to say do the Pilates anyway op, don’t cancel just because he is being sorry. It’s the best gift to yourself you can possibly do imho!

It was unkind his comment, be glad your body serves you well.
i have Parkinson’s, tho not bad annoying to be tablet dependent at 60 it feels too young

Tell him to fix his receding hairline.

He's a dick

Oh God, it’s one of those painfully stupid things men say, and likely absolutely did not understand what he was trampling.

it’s helpful to have a buzz word around this - that when he says something hurtful, If you say “ouch,” he needs to fucking drop everything and attend to your feelings.

because sometimes men just do NOT get it - and the “ouch” moment also helps in that sometimes something is so hurtful, it’s hard to speak!

he’s been a twat, and I hope he learned. He needs to hear from you about what you carry, so he’ll be more aware… he’s thinking of a body like a man’s, and he apparently has zero clue how complicated our bodies are inside.

big hugs op. I hope the bath and champagne were soothing and lovely. He does sound like a good man, and it’s so damn rare for me to say that - he’s just a man, and hopefully he’s learned something

stop. stop explaining why. stop telling us how low you bmi or wieght or size is to somehow explain whey his comment isnt ok. it wouldnt ok whatever.
noone has the right to make comment about your body like this or make you feel this way
his comment wasnt being helpful even if he thought you struggled. if he new that he should then bolster you up. keep you confident,make you feel treasure tell you its beautiful exactly how you are. not offer a fix. ficing your body wont help.getting to a society acceptable flat tummy or size.fuck off.
you need to be happy with who you are in your own mind.and he needs to be too.
showing you love and helping isnt showing you how to fix your body. its not broken.
ifyour struggling with your body image at any size that about how you see yourself and how you see yourself according to what you also fear thr world. does.proven to you tongiht by what your hsuband says. its reinforces all those beliefs you have about how we " should look" to be acceptable.worthy.pretty.
your body is fine. it always would be.whatever size.
work on feelig brilliant about you.
he said the wrong thing. it wouldnt ever be ok
dont feel you need to change.
work maybe on how you feel about how you feel about your body.

No I don't think it's ok that a man suggests surgery to “fix" his partner because he doesn't like the look of what carrying HIS DC did to his partners body.
Diet and exercise doesn't shift stretched skin.

And in other news 2+2 now = 7

“I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth”.

That was quite a strong comment coming from you OP. It’s clearly something that plays on your mind. If H is into his fitness he will want to try & help.

The upside is the Pilates sessions are something I've wanted to do for a while but I was too tight to fork out for them out of my own spends. Now he's paying for it and can't argue, so I'll chalk that up as a win

Ha, I love this, OP. If you enjoy it tell him he'll be paying for it for the foreseeable. Every cloud

I have the same injury. Be careful

Hmm you made a loaded comment and he’s trying to be helpful and honest. Now you need to be honest back.

but first reflect.
why make the loaded comment?
why did it hurt?
are you actually happy or not?

Then Tell him it upset you and why, thank him for offering to help. Don’t attack his comments, just explain why it hurt.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape
I have come across this before and its much easier for men to go to the gym, do some exercise and keep in shape, whilst their wives look after the DC.
He hasn't had traumatic birth experiences that you have experienced, requiring on going surgery but he was present! and although you've been stoic about it, he could have "made the effort" to find out a bit more about it.

His advice to do 100 situps that you mentioned was just crass and ignorant. Particularly as you are still having surgery to repair the damage.
He is not a medical professional and the attitude of "Well I can do it so why can't you make the effort and do it" just doesn't wash in this instance.
Your condition sounds like it is not as easily fixed and needs medical assistance. It also sounds, if you can still wear pre pregnancy clothes as if your tummy is not in need of drastic action.

No one is suggesting that we can't all do things to improve ourselves, but at the end of the day having children and getting older will leave their evidence on our bodies and its unrealistic to think it won't. Unless of course one has the income to resort to cosmetic surgery, personal trainers and so on.

You are not being over-sensitive. He was rude and unkind. Like someone else said, I think you should have told him what a hurtful remark it was. I suppose there's a possibility that he was trying to be helpful. So many men seem be lacking in sensitivity - no wonder very few of them have good male friends - there would be bust ups all the time.

I think I would be explaining to him that there are some situations when a lie is better than the truth, this is one of those situations. Not only is what he said rude but it’s also insensitive. You need to tell him! YANBU.