I'm trying not to overreact but I'm not sure if I should react or not.

[PelvicFlora]

I've had a lovely Mother's Day weekend. DH gave me a card from him and also from the kids, bought a bottle of champagne, we went to one of my favourite places for brunch. He's been great, and usually is great the rest of the time as well. Maybe a bit too fond of leaving his dirty socks on the floor on his side of the bed, but otherwise generally pulls his weight domestically and is a good egg.

I'm giving all that as background because I really don't know what to think of what he just said to me. I was jokingly telling him that he was sorting dinner tonight because I was going to be sitting on the sofa thinking about all the times I destroyed my body carrying children and giving birth. And then he said to me, 'you could do something about your stomach you know' (with a helpful face). So I was like 'do you think I should?!' and he said 'yes'.

I was really hurt. I'm a size ten and can still fit into jeans I owned before I had any kids. DC1 was absolutely enormous (DC2 was still enormous but less enormous than DC1) and my skin is stretched so much that it will always be wobbly and loose - no amount of exercising or pilates will ever make it go away. I'll always have a 'mum tum' because of the baggy skin.

I also had a terrible birth and massive tear with DC1. It was a 3C tear, if anyone knows what that means, then you know. I was lucky not be left incontinent. But even so, I had to have corrective surgery to try and repair everything when DC2 was 8 months old.

All of that is to say that my body has really been put through it and despite all that, I still rate myself. I'm privately a bit sensitive about my tummy but most of the time I think 'fuck it', it's not like I was ever a supermodel or anything. Who/what do I need to have a perfect flat stomach for?

But what DH said really stung. I'm surprised by how hurt I am and I feel a bit humiliated. I said 'oh I hadn't realised you secretly thought I was a fat cow', and then left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of his stupid 'I'm only trying to help' face.

He likes to keep fit himself and is in good shape but I never had him pegged as a shallow twat. He's very focussed on health but has never been bothered about looks (or so I thought).

AIBU to be upset or am I being too emotional?

There are some very bitter and childish responses on this thread.
I think potentially you hit a nerve when saying his kids destroyed your body...joking or not.
My belly is far from perfect but my OH loves it and I hear it on the regular,..that said,if he knew I hated it that much he would tell me I could do something about it too...it's an option.
If he thought I was miserable about it,and I said 'Do you think I should do something about it?' he would say yes,in the interest of my feeling better.
I think he's been insensitive in his communication because a nerve was hit,intentionally or not.
Sit down and tell him it hurt you,and give him a chance to put it right.

I agree with this. You have described him as a nice guy and a good husband. So it was just an ill-judged comment at right the wrong moment.

Men say things like this and they are just trying to be 'helpful', but it very very often feels like unfair criticism and some kind of personal attack.

I do think that if he works out all the time and keeps himself in shape, then it's very likely he has thought about what you could do to get your body in the best shape. I would put the ball in his court and say ok, thanks, have you got any ideas? Tell me what to do and I'll try it, and let's see if it makes any improvement.

Maybe tomorrow, in the clear light of day, it might even feel like an interesting idea. But only if you want to do it. Not for anyone apart from yourself.

I also have parts of my body that I felt super miserable about and feeling that there was no way I could ever get them right again. But actually, I've found that doing a few exercises each day which get to the right part of me has made a significant difference over a relatively short period of time. Every one right movement just starts to get your body on track. It's really great news, I think. Don't give up on a part of yourself and think you have to live with it. When you're ready, try doing a bit of something each day, and each step will honestly give you some results.

I suppose your DH knows this too, and he kind of wanted to pass it on to you. He thinks it's cool and he wants you to share his enthusiasm and try it yourself. But he really didn't go about it the right way :(

I'm sure he totally loves you whatever your stomach is like. I think he's just trying to show you something good (in a terrible way).

There are some very bitter and childish responses on this thread.

Yep, they always find a way to blame the woman for a man’s shitty words.

On the surface, this sounds like two vain people getting het up about nothing much. It’s loose skin, you’ve had two pregnancies, he can keep his opinions to himself and you can be less sensitive.

Underneath that, though, could be something I’ve noticed with my own DH. While he is a “man flu” kind of man, and was much more understanding of my life-changingly difficult pregnancies and births (the consequences of which he lives with, daily) than your DH sounds, both men seem to have this inability? reluctance? unwillingness? I don’t know, but it’s something that prevents them from accepting that the losses we suffered are never going to be fixed or made up for or healed by them. It’s one-way only. Not equal or fair in a relationship that otherwise is (assuming yours is).

It takes time to first accept the changes to our bodies. Then, my DH felt something like guilty or beholden that I had to go through this and he suffered nothing (let alone the other downsides I suffered as a working woman). Then I had to go through the mirror process, myself. I never felt resentment, but the inequality did make me snipe more than once, jokingly or not.

Now that this is all a long way behind me we have both just accepted that this is what it is, a part of our overall family life and marriage and individual lives. But it was a process and it took time.

Maybe this is also going on with you?

I also had a third degree tear, so yep, sadly I know how it destroys what you once were. It's almost more difficult psychologically than physically, I found.

Oops.

I just booked a bloc of 10 post-natal Pilates sessions on his card. He got the alert from the banking app and asked me what I'd just spent £200 on and I told him it was Pilates to sort out my awful stomach. Then I couldn't stop myself from ugly crying.

He was mortified. Tried to backtrack. Didn't mean it how I'd heard it. Loves me and fancies me loads, etc, etc. Gave me a big cuddle.

But now I've let the lid off the tears, I can't seem to stop crying. Maybe it's some old birth trauma (I've had lots of counselling for that already btw - to whichever PP mentioned it). Maybe it's to do with my own mum. She died 20 years ago and most mothers days I'm able to celebrate without getting sad or feeling down. I try not to get too maudlin on 'special dates' - living joyfully is the best antidote I find. But I'm so emotional today, I wonder if it's to do with that?

Anyway, I've left DH to reflect on what he's done and I'm now drinking champagne in the bath, lovingly stroking my wobbly, overstretched flesh and thanking fuck I never have to be pregnant or give birth again. I mean, it's a miraculous gift and I'm eternally grateful, etc. b
But also: fuck that.

Oh love. Tough day for you then, sorry about your mum. Sounds like you might have PTSD from your births.

Make sure you check that the Pilates is appropriate for you xxx

I don't think that comment of yours will have come across light-heartedly at all though - tell your DH that having his children has wrecked your body must sting!!

And something else that seems not to have occurred to any of the righteous brigade just want to tell you in smug satisfaction that your DH is just a horrible bastard, accusing other more percipient posters of being "pick me'" - might he not be a bit traumatised too watching you go through that? Or that he might find it so hard to handle that he's a bit in denial and you making remarks like that would be making him feel responsible for all your pain and trauma, and he just wants to fix it?

There are indeed some vicious witches on this thread. Could you make an appointment with a consultant to discuss the trauma you went through and have it clearly explained to you how it happened, and then maybe both of you together find a way to cope with it and move forward?

It's clearly never far from the surface.

The MRA have arrived on the thread….🙄

Don’t be silly and try to acquire some critical thinking skills.

It is possible to think that a man may not be a dick and not be a MRA. Yawn. So boring.

@7eleven what are you even on about?

Aw OP, i'm sorry he was so thoughtless. He sounds a lot like my DP. When I was 6 months pregnant with my first and struggling with being larger and the heat during the summer, he suggested I go for a run. Because that would help with feeling hot and uncomfortable. What is it with running being a cure all?!

Anyway, please please please do protect your repair, I know how precious feeling 'normal' is after problems.

I would have spent the £200 on something fancy and I hope he makes it up to you properly.

Oh sorry. Were you not suggesting men’s right activists were on the thread because not everyone thinks the husband should be strung up? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood. What was your point?

No, that wasn’t my point. Develop some critical thinking skills, re-read my posts and then report back.

This?

This?

How does equate to ‘anyone who doesn’t think the husband should be strung up is MRA?’

This! So glad someone said it. Can’t believe some of the takes here.

I thought she meant Magnetic resonance angiography...

Must brush up on my TLAs...

Imagine... some women daring to express the view that all men might not be bastards... radical!

Well some people didn’t think he should be strung up and you said oh look MRA have arrived, so it’s a pretty solid assumption really. What did you mean?

I stand with my original point that accusing people of being MRAs, because they can see different points of view about what happened with the OP is lazy and boring.

I predicted crying and cuddles, didn't I? Don't worry about your crying for at least 24 hours - you've been hanging on to loads and this is the release. Go and give him a cuddle back after your bath, and talk some more and make sure he knows about your state of health. Apart from anything else - suppose you had a health emergency? Your OH should be in a position to know and understand your health history!!!

Maybe now some of you doomsayers might admit you were wrong... but I doubt it. Must be a miserable way to live, never able to see the good in anyone!

Hope you are enjoying your champagne in the bath x

So they don’t equate.

The thread is full of people minimising what OP’s DH said to her. I’ve no qualms about saying the MRA have arrived. I didn’t say you are MRA, so why so sensitive?