Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

You told your son to ignore the teacher and you will take him on a trip?
Teacher he threatened to kill??
You are quite scarily mad.

You need the parenting course like 'effective discipline'. It will help you put discipline (not punishment) into your and your son's life.

I work with semh PRU kids in a mainstream school. They are among the most troubled and part of that is due to overly flexible parenting. Kids push boundaries. They appreciate a firm boundary with consistent response, and will often test the boundary by upping the ante with their behaviour. They need to know it won't collapse.

Your son is trying to find and understand his boundary. He threatens to kill a TA and gets taken on a day trip by mum (paraphrasing). So next time he needs to be worse to know where the line he cannot cross is. Right now it's about 300 miles in the distance.

Ask the school for help, signposting towards agencies that can help and even a family worker if necessary. In a PRU your son should be able to access counselling and intervention as well as education to turn his life round before he ends up in a 'daddy and me' cell.

What a hard situation for you - stuck between a rock and a hard place all created by your poor sons father.
It sounds like you've raised a lovely boy who's going (wouldn't say permanently "gone" but at risk) off the rails. He loves you and is safe with you because presumably you've never witnessed his outbursts and so your view of him is untainted. If you home schooled him you'd need to get him to do work which may trigger an outburst if he didnt want to do it and that dynamic might change - maybe for the better or for worse...
So yes it might be best to stick with the PRU and just be firm with him that this is where he'll have to go if he can't control his emotions.
Counselling/boxing/running might help as a way of expressing his thoughts and his anger.
He must be heartbroken, livid, terrified he'll end up the same, worrying if it's genetic etc etc.
at his age a male role model is key which I learned from a brilliant child psychologist Steve Biddulph - look up his webinars on how boys develop and his book Manhood is fantastic - so much I learned for my 3 boys aged 10/20/52!! Highly recommend- v entertaining too!
So for role models maybe boxing/karate/judo type stuff where they reach discipline and self control too. Maybe not a team sport as he needs 1:1 attention - maybe a supportive team would be good but lots are quite ruthless "you're shit, you're out" types!
Good luck!

You need to stop making excuses for him.

So - dad spoils him - and then - he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that.

Any connection?

He get excluded so you take him in a nice day out?? - Any connection there?

Teacher expects good behaviour to go on a trip - yet ‘I tell him I’ll take him’ - why? Why do that? Mixed messages -

Lovely at home but threatens teachers with knives?

Absolutely gin snaked you can’t see what’s going on here - you don’t support school and in turn your aren’t supporting your son - you are giving him huge mixed messages - school doesn’t matter, teachers are wrong, he’s a good kid -

Not convinced this is real

I wonder what your sons response will be on the day you finally say no to him.

@BabyEl I have been completely honest here, my son has not “always been bad” he was well behaved in school before the situation with his father happened, your comment has really upset me; but I guess you don’t care.

Yes, I covered for him to protect my son, my sons mental health and happiness are the most important things in my life. I love my son he is all I have got, without him my life wouldn’t be worth living.

I’m a teacher in an semh school very similar to a pru but longer term. Your boy sounds like most of the other boys in my setting.

They’re not allowed mobile phones for safeguarding purposes, this includes as a deterrent to running off.

I’m not excusing the ta’s behaviour towards your son about asking personal questions, but building relationships with kids is important and that includes chatting about home life.

It depends on the child whether I let them go to the toilet as it is often used as an excuse to avoid work… They have enough breaks in the day to go to toilet.

I’ve been threatened by students…. It’s not nice and I wouldn’t work for a pru who didn’t take it seriously

It’s a bloody hard job!

I mean you’re literally telling him it’s okay and treating him after he threatened to kill a teaching assistant. What planet are you on? YABVVVU

Genes are important.
He’s always been bad, like his dad.

How sad and twisted your mindset is, and how wrong you are.

Some of these comments clearly aren't thinking about your DC.

He is probably angry with his dad and he's taking his anger out on others. Some people can see his vulnerability and are using that to goude him.

Not permitting people to use the toilet is a form of torture. It's inhumane.

Running away from a trip is very concerning and should have triggered safeguarding not exclusion!

I'm so sorry OP. I would see if you can help him better manage his anger through CBT.

Talk to the LA about having lessons at home. Typically it's only a few hours a week but with homework it's enough.

You could also help him find a new extracurricular activity that he'd enjoy - a martial art is good for emotional control and discipline, sport is good for mental health and reduces excess energy, art is brilliant for creating peaceful minds etc.

Good luck, he sounds a little lost, but with your help he'll sort himself out.

@Gwdihooooo I appreciate you commenting, I am not happy that the TA felt the need to make inappropriate comments towards me.

My son is not the type of child to lie and say he needs to go the toilet when he doesn’t need to; if he was allowed to go then it wouldn’t have happened, I still don’t believe he should have been excluded.

I also appalled you for the great job you do, I know it can’t be easy.

All the parents I've met who can't understand why their child has been excluded "because they are no trouble really/just spirited/ bored/the teacher doesn't like him" have the reputation of being little shits among every other parent on the playground so I don't buy that he was well behaved until he got excluded three times.

@Dibbydoos I also appreciate your comment; I am glad that someone else believes those two things shouldn’t have warranted an exclusion.

My son wouldn’t have just run away for no reason, and not allowing a child to use the bathroom is torture and very inhumane.

Thanks for your kind words.

He threatened to kill a TA and you said you'd take him on a trip, he really has no reason to behave himself does he especially when you reward such terrible behaviour.

To all the posters repeating to the op what’s gone wrong and advising tough love, boundaries, consequences…I’m sure op agrees with you, but those are all vague so give specific instructions on exactly what to do. I think that would be helpful to the op. For instance, when he threatened to take knife to school. Or running away, or any of the other things. What should op do and say, I mean exactly. Exactly what action should she take, what consequence exactly, and how to word it etc. Give examples of the boundaries and consequences and all of that she can implement starting today. Examples of structure, routine, get him interested in a weekly activity with male role model who is trustworthy, perhaps op’s partner who can take him to sporting events, go bowling together, connect him to a hobby group or something where he can make positive friendships. Etc.

My DH used to work in a PRU. He had a great rapport with the pupils, many made great progress and he loved working with them. He eventually left because he couldn't cope with the parents any longer.

Your child threatened to kill someone and you took him on a day trip? I almost banged my head on the table at that. Think about your son's future. Do you want him to grow up thinking that threatening to kill is okay? Do you want him to end up in jail? Because that's the potential consequence if he's still making these threats as an adult. No school or PRU can help if he gets away with bloody death threats at home.

Are you sure the TA actually made those comments? It sounds like something a child would say to wriggle out of consequences.

@DrainedNFedUp
suggest the following .

1. arrange therapy for both of you -see if the PRU have connections to assist if not through GP. It may be wise to have individual as well as family sessions
2. meeting with PRU, sit down and work out a plan to move forward. This is provided they agree he can return, listen to the recommendations they make and discuss them
3. one to one mentor, discuss with the PRU what form this will take and how it will work and then get your son to give it a go.
4. contact the charities mentioned by other posters, speaking to other children who have gone through this can help your son
5. after meeting with the PRU sit with your son and set a realistic plan. Focus on benefits and put rewards and consequences in place. As an example if PRU accept him back after each day go for a walk together so he can decompress but if his misbehaves explain the consequences. Which may be loss of screen time that evening
6. start an activity together, if he likes walk would he consider running and doing a local charity event. Something to bring some positivity for him by building on one of the few things he likes hopefully from here he can get into something where he can join a club and people get to know him and build friendships the right way

No need to share your ignorant opinion.

It’s great to see you taking everything on board and good to hear that the two of you have a positive relationship and he’s polite and respectful at home. It sounds like he needs some therapy to process what he’s been through with his Dad, this will be undoubtedly having an impact. I used to do one to one work with children in PRU and most of them on a one to one basis when listened to and respected were lovely. I’d also agree with others that it’s vital that you hold your son accountable for his behaviour and ensure that there are clear boundaries and expectations of his behaviour. Ideally you want to be working in conjunction with the PRU and be onboard with their rules and expectations so everything is consistent. It’s so important to avoid minimising his behaviour and effectively rewarding him when he’s excluded. You can still be a wonderfully caring and supportive parent whilst upholding boundaries and voicing that his behaviour is at times completely unacceptable.

@Sherrystrull Yes he said it, my child does not lie. If he has done something he will always tell me. I’m his mother and he knows I’d love him even more for telling the truth.

I’d also add finding things that he enjoys and building his self esteem are really important too so he doesn’t just identify with the negatives he hears about himself.