Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

I really think, if you want to import e matters, you need to reach out for EVERY kind of help you can access - immediately - and for yourself as well as your son.

You must take some responsibility for the situation and actively improve your ability to create appropriate boundaries and discipline for him at home. This is something you clearly need support with so you need to find someone who can help. Talk to your GP, health visiting team, call social services and see what parenting courses, groups, counselling or other support may be available to you. Take up any and all offers of help.

At the same time your son obviously needs counselling and the mentorship programs previous posters recommend sound like a good idea. Talk to PRU and, as the son of a prisoner in particular perhaps there are additional services he (and you?) can access that way.

Think about how honest you’ve been with him and how honest you should be (clue: as honest as is humanly possible without traumatising him). Does he know exactly why his dad is in prison? He should. Why you lied to him for so long? Can you explain how trying to protect him has made things harder, but how important it is for this to stop and for you both to find a way through this. You aren’t going to be able to keep sugarcoating his dads behavior if you’re going to get him through this. Has he seen his dad in prison? It would be worth asking an appropriate advisor (PRU?) whether this might help or harm the situation.

Look - his hero figure just turned into a monster before his very eyes. The fact you helped keep that person on a pedestal for so long means the change is even more shocking and devastating to him. That’s a terrible thing, and he will need you to take responsibility for your part in this.

However, make no mistake - there will be NO better time to deal with this than now. Drip feeding him any more lies will backfire on you. Do not for one moment imagine he will always treat you wonderfully - as he grows up and better understands what’s happens he may well turn his rage on you. Even if he does treat you well, there is no possibility that he will be able to treat others well as an adult if he isn’t helped to work through this trauma right now.

Help in this scenario is NOT: material gifts, days out, ice cream, lies and hugs. Help is: him seeing you take responsibility for your own behavior, leaping into action on his behalf, asking for help, accessing every tool available to you both, making it clear it’s time to turn this round, healthy boundaries. Did I mention - you seeking help and taking responsibility?!?! How is he supposed to be able to do this when no-one is modeling it for him? This part is extremely important if you want him to have a chance at being a teenager or adult who can do that for themselves.

It’s probably not too late but you will need to throw everything you have at this and that might mean getting SS involved to help support. Threatening the lives of others is a serious matter. It is incomprehensible that you’d think this is something you can just muddle your way through alone.

GET HELP. For both your sakes. It might not work, but it’s certainly the only chance you have.

I don’t have any experience of this so no real advice. From an outsiders perspective it does seem like you have been subconsciously or otherwise minimising the behaviour and he also desperately needs therapy.

My gut reaction is that it’s not ok he behaves at home but can’t at school. I’m pleased he is respectful to you but how is this teaching him how the world works and the need to be respectful and controlled in any number of situations and people outside your immediate family.

You’ve certainly got a lot going on OP but well done for posting and taking all the comments on board. Can’t have been easy.

Your son has been permanently excluded from three mainstream schools and has had several fixed term exclusions (for very serious behaviour). Either all these schools are full of liars who for some unknown reason want to ruin your son's life or your son is violent and refuses to follow staff instructions. Which is the most likely?

Your minimising of the exclusions at the PRU says everything. In fact this is so far fetched that I think this thread must be bullshit. No one could be that lacking in awareness.

It is not realistic to withdraw him , what will that teach him, how will he get qualifications, socialise, earn a living, have a life? You cannot imprison him to protect others. You talk about his previous interests, but that was a long time ago. Does he have any friends? You have both lost your way, accept any offers of support to regain control even ss.

He is 13 and a very small 13 compared how big and how tall other 13 year old are these days.

He won't be small forever. He will soon be a lot bigger and with a maelstrom of hormones and unstable moods.

I’m sure others will have said this already…

It’s pretty unlikely a mainstream school will take your son now. So you need to accept that he will be staying in the PRU and work with them to turn things around.

If they can offer some courses to help you parent better, please take them. You think you have a great relationship with your son. You are not his friend, you are his mother. Taking him for a nice day out when he has been excluded says it all.

If his father is still providing lots of money while he is in prison, where is that coming from & are you comfortable with that?

If your son does not get some qualifications allowing him to make his own way in the world, will he get sucked into his father’s world & way of life?

I am making a self referral to social services, I have just googled. I think it’s best that I do it myself just incase the school get them involved.

OP, I really feel for you. I’m appalled at the comments criticising you for trying to add some love and normality to your son’s life. Rather than showing him the short, sharp shock approach to parenting that might have played a role in his father’s criminality. There is an issue with the way schools manage confidential information. Often because administration is so poor. There is a reasonable likelihood that your son is being treated pejoratively because of his dad’s behaviour and incarceration. Personally, I don’t think it’s okay to effectively imprison a child because his father is in jail. But - like you - I think your poor lad’s behaviour is really concerning and not acceptable at all. Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix. Maybe explain that he needs to go to the PRU. And than - somehow - summon up the mettle to keep asking questions and continuing to try and build his self esteem through you kindness. I’m horrified by some of the comments here. But they go some way towards explaining the prejudice and insensitivity you are encountering more widely. The PRU might be an opportunity for both of you to interact with better qualified and experienced people? I want to hug you for all you have done for your boy. Not least putting him before your ex. Keep fighting.

Final thought. Have you spoken to your son about how cross you are about his father's behaviour? Obviously, it's not ok to bad mouth the other parent as a matter of course, but you can take this way too far - if your son isn't seeing feelings being discussed calmly and put in context about such a big issue, how can you expect him to be able to channel and explain his?

@Decorhate my sons father has never ever stopped providing for him, my son still gets everything that he did when his father was here. Money and gifts are bought from one of his close friends on behalf of his father.

It’s not too late Op.

I too Work with children like this. Firstly don’t enable his father.
His dad is no role model and you need to make your son realise that. He has lost his right to parent because he isn’t fit. The expensive presents aren’t helping so cut them off. His son is off the rails because off this man and your boy needs to see that you don’t condone his fathers behaviour in any shape or form.

Counselling and positive role models are good starting points. He’s young and teens are a nightmare but you have to stay strong on this otherwise he’ll be lost to you.

Wishing you all luck Op. Horrible situation to be in.

@cansu This type of behavior is unfortunately very common with parents ime (cf upthread for others), for very various reasons. OP’s situation is very complex, and we surely don’t know a 1/1000th of it. I’m unsure I see too much of a point in repeating what she’s done wrong, maybe more present and future. Although OP has to be willing too.
What we do know though is her 13yo has threatened a violent knife crime. Which obviously means immediate intervention is needed. And seems to be reading between the lines what prompted her to post.

Maybe we could try a list of actions OP could take, schools, charities, etc, with a short description and link, and OP could have a look and if she wishes come back with questions? (just a suggestion, OP has got a lot of criticism, I actually think given the timeframe she’s trying to come to terms with it, and it would be sad if we got nowhere at the end)

So the criminal activity is still running deep then?! No wonder your son is so messed up.

Godlovesall26
Yes, she does need to get help. She also does need to stop blaming the staff for his behaviour. I am also beyond shocked that there has never been any consequence at home for the behaviour.

@DrainedNFedUp Its great that you’re willing to try new approaches.
I work in the care system but European, so I couldn’t recommend precisely. But I guess I would be the equivalent of a junior member of SS (a lot of what I do is activities, and safeguarding like all) and I’d personally consider your son - to be very honest - as a threat to the safety of my others, because he’s at the older pre teen age, and I would neither accept him with my 11yos or send him to my older ones. Depending on his evolution, maybe being integrated to the pre teens. You’re at an age where it’s possible still, and that’s great that you’re trying.

I haven’t read through yet so this has probably already been answered.

Social services isn’t necessarily something to be worried about nor is it to do with you being a risk to him. But with a parent in prison, him being excluded and having violent outbursts and you being rather passive in your parenting are all red flags and you probably would benefit from some form of support.

In very surprised there hasn’t been a referral.

How long has he been getting in trouble at school. Could he have SEN?

Have you thought about counselling for yourself too? Whatever the relationship dynamics with your Son's father were, you might find it helpful to process it and prevent similar relationships in future.

@cansu yes, which is why I’d hope any behavior plan for both home and school would be devised by professionals, that’s what I meant

Fucks sake, his father isn't providing. He's using illegallly gained money to buy his kid. You should be refusing to accept anything, not accepting with open arms pretending stolen money or drug earned money is a reasonable way for parents to provide. No wonder he's out of control if this is his normal.

@DrainedNFedUp Are you the parent with an older son who was fed up of you pandering to the younger one? Seem to remember he controlled everything from food to who visited etc.

Your son doesn’t just have a terrible father as a role model, but he also has you excusing his out of control behaviour. I have never had a child climb out of a window to piss behind a bin in the playground and I have taught some pretty hard core boys in my time.
You are making excuse after excuse. It sounds like he’s been failed by both parents in different ways. You need to face up to reality, show your boy some tough live and listen to what the professionals are telling you. Unless you have absolutely irrefutable proof, don’t make the mistake of automatically believing his version of these events. That is not helpful for him.

Hope you seek all the help that's been advised on this thread OP. Your son is a violent brat, keep on this path and don't worry he won't be your problem much longer, he'll be in jail for killing someone. No doubt they'll have had it in for him or been a liar too.

This is a situation entirely of your own making, OP. You're your very own Victor Frankenstein.
You and your ex-husband lied to the child for years and it can be a massive trauma for a young person to realise that their primary caregiver has created a false narrative of their existence.
You appear to take no responsibility for your part in this, blaming the Father for breaking his 'promise' (what rationale adult believes the silky words of a career criminal?!).
Your son's behaviour is outrageous and it's as though he's unleashing hell because of deep rooted emotional pain. And, Mummy rewards him with nice days out, zero consequences, no boundaries and carries on feeding the ego and aggression of a troubled young man: a mini monster of Mumy's making.
You and your son need serious support.

@Freshstarts22 Just over two years now.
@titchy No, I only have one child.

Hello,

First of all I can tell that you've tried your best to support him and all on your own, so well done. It may not feel like it now but if you had not been the one consistent person in his life, things could be much worse.

Visit the PRU and see how you feel. Does he attend consistently and is he learning anything? If you're unhappy, speak to the staff. Home schooling is not great, even with a tutor. Classroom is best plus if he attends consistently and gets his work done it may be a route back to mainstream school in 3 to 6 months.

I dont think he's attention seeking, I think he's connection seeking. Try to get him counciling and a male mentor. This could make all the difference.

Your job is not easy and I wish you all the best.