Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

So lying is a red line for you, but threatening to stab someone isn't?

I'm surprised you don't already have social services and youth offending team involved. Violence and threats to staff always result in police contact in the last 2 schools where I have been involved in these situations.

Your minimising of his behaviour is abhorrent but sadly something we see with some of our worst behaved students. You are failing your child for not having firm boundaries.

The one that has grabbed me the most is the jumping out of a window and peeing behind bins. He peed in public, which is illegal, and may be classed as indecent exposure, and he did it in a school. Can you not understand why this required firm action?

Wow or maybe his home is safe safe space he is autistic and can't cope with the sensory overload of school. The environment can be the issue.

You’re right to be unhappy with the TA. It sounds like they took it too far.

Your* *son obviously needed the toilet as he ended up going behind the bin. But like I say I would decide on an individual basis about going to the toilet. There’s some I’ll happily let out of the room to go down the corridor unsupervised, there’s others I’d have to stay with and wait near the toilets until they’re done due to tenancies to disrupt others, get in to bother, run off rtc. There’s others I wouldn’t allow at all, particularly at that moment in time due to heightened behaviours.

We have to think of the safety and well being of all the students in school.

I would just like add @DrainedNFedUp - consider this:
You love your DS. A way of showing love to DC is by putting in boundaries. It helps the child know they are valued and that their safety and wellbeing is important.

As we grow up, everyone needs to learn about boundaries, and why they exist, because we live in a world with others, with rules, and we have to learn to deal with that. If there were no rules, no laws, no boundaries, our world would be a very difficult place to thrive in and the vulnerable in particular would be at immense risk.

Your DS didn't just jump out the window to go to the loo, he was defiant to someone who had put a boundary in place. There may have been a very good reason why he couldn't go the loo at the moment he asked to go, which he wouldn't be aware of.

I really do hope you listen to others on here and get some support for you and your DS. I hope to some day see on MN that you and he have turned it around and he's doing well.

There is no suggestion of autism here, so please do not throw it around like some people love to do when there is bad behaviour being discussed.

I say this as an autistic teacher with autistic daughters.

Even if he was autistic my reaction would be the same. Horrific behaviour not appropriate for mainstream and poor parenting.

Sorry OP but he's leaned by example that he can get away with awful behaviour. His Dad has been imprisoned multiple times and he still manages to spoil him with expensive gifts.
Where is the logic in that, what moral compass does this laf have.
A messed up kid and little wonder why he's turned into a nightmare child.

This point too slt the toilet… The school is full of other students who cause bother. Sometimes this involved physical intervention. If this It’s happening in the corridors we can’t just let others out to the toilet. They’s have to wait! It’s not torture as anyone without bladder issues and over the age of 12 should be able to hold it for at least an hour.

The issues here are way beyond this level.

The above comments regarding genes are vicious, cruel and should not be allowed to stand.

@WyfOfBathe yes, him threatening to stab the teacher was very worrying.

@Whyarewehardofthinking do not take this the wrong way but your comment is ridiculous, my son is 13 years of age, still a child. I can not remember the last time he peed in public, it was that long ago. It is clear that he must have been very desperate to do it in public, anyway I don’t want to discuss this further.

@Gwdihooooo Thank you

I agree.

Plus generally the autistic kids we have in our school are the better behaved. It’s the kids with crap upbringings are the issue.

I actually feel so sad for you - you come across as vulnerable, resigned and brow-beaten - and I mean that kindly. You also sound like someone who hasn't had many people she's been able to trust in life.

If your partner is a decent and kind human being, I don't know why you wouldn't lean on him, just a little bit?

He assaults people and you reward him by taking him somewhere nice?!

Disgraceful. If one of my students physically assaulted me or another pupil I'd get the police involved. You're letting him down by minimising his actions.

He's a violent bully.

Are you fucking kidding me.

Your child threatened to kill someone and took a weapon to a school.

You excuse and minimise all his behaviour.

Then you take him on nice days out for getting excluded.

If this isn't a wind up, I'd tell his Dad to warm a cell up for him.

Be a PARENT for Christ's sake!

@Blablablanamechangagain

MY CHILD DID NOT TAKE A WEAPON TO SCHOOL!

Your son is not the type to lie?

but he’s the type to threaten to kill people?

excuses excuses excuses.

Don't pull him out. You're not going to be able to home educate him. He will walk all over you, and the fact he isn't in education will mean he is at much higher risk of being criminally exploited etc.
He needs to be in a PRU because his behaviour is unacceptable. It doesn't seem he's listening to you, but you also seem to suggest his behaviour isn't that bad (it IS that bad). He might not be a big fan of his Dad right now, but will he listen to him on the phone or if you take him in? Someone needs to give him a talking to about the path he's headed down. If it's not his Dad, what about an Uncle?

Yet there you go again, trivialising and minimising his actions! Pupils particularly in a setting like this can't be allowed to go willynilly and without supervision to toilets. That's what breaks are for. He's not 5; he can control his bladder. How would you like to be in charge of a class of kids threatening to stab people and acting violently? You are still not getting it. Maybe you should spend a day in the unit (maybe not possible as not vetted) - you need to see the reality of this.

Threatening to stab someone is "very worrying"??? It's a damn sight worse than "very worrying"!!!! Are you willing to let this escalate until the day he carries out a threat and ends up in prison for murder?

This time...

OP, it seems like you’ve done really well at listening to some hard truths in this thread and you’re planning some very positive changes.

One other thing to bear in mind is that your son is not a ‘vhild’ any more. He’s a teenager. All teenagers go through changes, boundary-testing, difficult relationships with their parents. One common way for this to show itself is that they stop telling their parents everything and they do start lying to cover their tracks. You may need to stop assuming yu know what your son would and wouldn’t do in every situation, because that is changing.

What did his dad do? Why does he have so much money to spoil him with presents?

organised crime?

I'll be honest, I haven't read all of the thread, I've just finished marking assessments. What are the PRU (or Alternative Provision) offering by way of support for your son. Are they able to offer MH support? Counselling? Involvement with multi-agency teams, such as youth justice or hound offenders? Ideally, some of this should be in place, as the aim should be to help your son move on from where he currently is.

If these are not available, what plans are in place for him to access them? Is there a link to your county's inclusion service? This would be the other route to getting this help- again the aim should be to help your son move on from where his mind is now, back to a place where he is able to learn and be productive.

If you aren't sure about the answers, please ask. The PRU should be offering something different to mainstream, otherwise- what is the point?

Are you receiving positive parenting or other help? The name may vary between local authorities, but it would be a course on setting boundaries, talk effectively, being consistent. He is lovely at home as you are presenting with minimal challenge- there is definitely a place for this as a strategy and it is one I have used with children with similar MH presentations.

However, at some point he is going to have to cope with challenge and his response at school suggests how this will go. I think you will need help and guidance to do this safely (for you) and effectively (for your son). And you really need to stop the nice days out when he's made the wrong choices.

I've just finished fighting to get a place in alternative provision for a child- and believe me, it is a fight (3 months so far). I genuinely believe that they can be a much better place for students with significant challenges. I've spent hours getting to the point where they are about to move over. However, that student has attacked me and students in my class, verbally abused us, run away, damaged property..... It won't be just that child's mental health that will be improved by a change of setting. I'm very much hoping that my anxiety will also drop.

I wish you and your son much luck for the future.

Agreed, it was actually a typo, but tbh I feel like OP wouldn't blame her dear little diddums who would never lie to her, even if he had, so I'm not going to fix it.

hound offenders? Much as I love the idea of dogs wandering around, I actually meant youth offending!

Well clearly not as the result of anything legal...

I wouldn't be accepting the proceeds of his crimes.