Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

@DrainedNFedUp he isn’t a problem at home because you’re not holding him to account and taking him on nice days out when he’s excluded. What would cause him to be a problem for you when he’s allowed to do whatever he wants with 0 consequence?

It’s a bit different here I think. So much confusion for such a young child, first dads at work but still loves you and spoils you, then some time still at primary school, actually no he’s a criminal - who then promises not to go back to prison but somehow ends up with a 10 year sentence later (if I’ve understood correctly). And the kid has no therapy (how on earth did that happen?), has spiraled for 2 years being changed schools. Knife threats are an optional feelings conversation, I mean, this must have been going on for quite a few years if he knew about the last 2 convictions and the ‘promise’, and he only turned 13. I mean writing this I got lost myself @ConsuelaHammock

Mumsnet is probably 1 of the worst places you can come to ask for parenting advice OP. The people here kick you when your down

Alright. First lesson.

If they do, I will explain to him that we will start a fresh; and if he still misbehaves there will be consequences.

Your son isn’t misbehaving. Your son is doing and saying things in school that if he were an adult he’d be charged for.

Second Lesson … No starting fresh. He’s had multiple fresh starts and with no changes.

Third lesson… what consequences? I think your calibration is off when it comes to consequences. What are you going to do enforce boundaries and what will you do if he strays from the boundaries? You need to clearly spell this out to yourself and him.

@FloatingBean No he doesn’t have one, I wasn’t aware that I shouldn’t be taking him out.

This is rubbish. He's still a young boy - he was very young when his dad went to prison. He doesn't know how to suck it up. It's up to the OP to help him with that. I'm sure both of them could do with support.

And I wonder if he's good at home because he feels safe and secure there. He must be so traumatised. (I'm not saying the OP's approach is right, but fgs this is still a child).

You have also got a lot going on and may need some counselling yourself. Consider it.

Just to ask you, honestly, whether if your son started behaving better whether you would proactively reward him with as much attention as if he did bad stuff? If you want to reward him (and you do, he has had a shit time of it), you need to start at least setting expectations of things that are achievable for him that will result in praise for efforts made. Probably even easy things seem very difficult for him at the moment, as he is very low. You can notice and reward positive steps. But they have to be steps in the right direction.

Oh no, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your son is struggling, his father has caused and contributed to what’s happening now with his very poor character. I don’t know what the answer is, I think you’re handling this as well as can be.

If you could only get through to him that he is his own person, his father’s character does not reflect on him, to appreciate what good points his father might have and accept his father as troubled without becoming troubled himself.

You are the stable, kind, honest, trustworthy rock in your son’s life.

The fact he is respectful to you and helps around the house and gives you hugs is very good. Continue what you’re doing to build on that. It seems he may be blaming the world for his father’s troubles to keep from admitting he has a father who is flawed whose actions are not admirable. With you in spirit, Op 💐

The only thing I can think of to suggest besides reasoning with him to help him see for himself why he’s doing this and how to correct himself, is to introduce new activities or areas of interest that can get his mind off the overthinking that he would enjoy doing and give him goals and a sense of accomplishment.

My brother got on drugs in his teenage years. He made terrible grades and quit high school. My mother was at her wit’s end trying to help him. This was at the beginning of everybody buying home computers. She bought him a computer and he began t be interested in it and on his own learned to code and create video games, and he also learned advanced math concepts as a result, studying math books. It didn’t happen overnight and he still smokes (much better than what he was doing) but he is stable, happy, married and has children who are adults now.

Your parenting is just terrible, you believe anything your son says and take him on trips rewarding his appalling behaviour to prevent him ever being upset.
I can't quite believe that he threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant and you blame the TA because they said he wouldn't be able to go on a trip - and then say you'll take him on the trip instead! Did it ever occur to you that the TA wasn't singling him out, that he was just always behaving badly?

Between you and his criminal father I don't think there's much hope for him. He needed clear expectations, firm boundaries, consequences and consistency in place years ago. Now he is fast developing a victim mentality where none of the terrible things he does are ever his fault (and his mum agrees) and he likes doing awful things to get excluded from school because his mum then takes him on days out. Sadly I fear you are too weak to follow through with any consequences you do come up with.

Your behaviour reminds me of something I saw on the programmes on Charles Bronson recently. The mother was saying about the first bad thing Charles Bronson did, he stole pencils from a shop and she thought it was nothing, no big thing, dismissed it as nothing. Rather than make it clear he'd done something wrong, make him return the pencils and apologise and pay for any he'd used and put a stop there and then she passively and permissively parented just like you.

You need to apply for an EHCNA. On their website IPSEA have a model letter you can use.

You should have been told DS should not be in a public place during school hours for the first 5 days of each exclusion without reasonable justification.

You sons behaviour is beyond awful but you are minimising it and trying to blame the teachers and TAs. Of course your son is likely to lie, especially if you believe everything he says and make excuses for his behaviour. YWBVU to remove him from school because clearly you are incapable of parenting him and he needs some structure and consequences to his behaviour from somewhere. If he doesn’t get it from school no doubt he will end up in prison before he reaches adulthood.

@Godlovesall26 yes, he knew his father was in prison but he was made to promise that he would behave until he got home. I was made to tell my son that he wouldn’t be coming home; because he had to enter a guilty plea, so it wouldn’t be a shock to my son.

It was when he realised he wasn’t coming home, he behaviour changed, bearing in mind his father didn’t want him visiting him during the time he was on remand, and since he has been convicted my son hasn’t spoken to him. There was actually once after conviction when my son said that he would like to see his father, and would prefer to take the train there.

We got to the station, I paid for our tickets, we got to the platform. When the train pulled up and it was time to get on, my son run away. Luckily he was waiting for me upstairs.

Normally I'd agree but people aren't kicking the OP for the sake of it. Everyone is (unusually) approaching this with good hearts.

The OP is minimising and trivialising extremely worrying and escalating behaviour, and this needs to be addressed urgently. I think everyone is just trying to impress on her that she and her child are in an extremely challenging situation.

@DrainedNFedUp I just read through the 4 occasions you referred to in the OP, and honestly, read them again for yourself, with as much of an open mind as you can? Remembering too, that your DS is 13... it's common for instance in schools to limit toilet breaks because of things like vandalising and vaping. Climbing out a window to take a pee is not acceptable. My DC2 once attempted to climb out a window with a friend as they were told they couldn't go out in the rain at break. Difference here - they were 5 and teacher stopped them!!

I think you mentioned a partner @DrainedNFedUp - do you have the support of family or friends as well?

@ConsuelaHammock she believes the school when they tell her about the behaviour. The problem is she doesn't think the behaviour warrants the punishments.

@MysteryBelle So kind, thank you 💐

Would it perhaps be true to say that you are trying to over-compensate for the fact that he has a shit father?

Have you talked to your son fully about how let down he must feel by his dad? The anger and sadness he must feel is so understandable, it is just misdirected.

Does your son have any positive male role models in his life? Ones who might teach him something, however small?

@adriftinadenofvipers I do not have much support, I don’t want to make my partner a part of this.

@saltinesandcoffeecups
For 1) completely agree, he needs to be made very quickly aware of this and very strongly (if only in the hope a bit of fear delays any impulse disasters longer)
For 2) As he’s 13, I disagree, but it does need to be earned
For 3) I’d say any professionals OP can bring together to help should be helping her with all disciplining, she clearly isn’t managing it (being her son, she’s much too emotionally in the thick of it now)

@DrainedNFedUp Could you also enquire with the PRU for counseling for yourself ? You’ve been through hell and back. For your son it’s been two years, for you it sounds more like 15. I think anyone would loose fight/direction at that point.
Working together with the school is a good call.

I suspect three years ago you'd have been 99% certain he wouldn't have ended up in a pru for violent behaviour to a teacher either. But he has. Unless something radical changes, and your parenting, or lack of, would be a good start, I imagine social service and the justice system are going to be a very big part of your lives in three years time.

When he misbehaves at school, ground him, remove phone/games console/laptop etc. extra chores at home, no tv. Don't reward him with a nice day out Ffs. Get him some counselling urgently. Seek parenting support from local authority, early intervention programmes, potential offender programmes. It may already be too late but you must try.

I work with children with extra needs and you are describing a problem we encounter frequently. Seek help, OP. There are parenting courses you can take, lots of helpful advice out there. You are reducing his chances of a decent, happy life so much with your lack of active parenting. Can you not see that your boy needs boundaries. He needs to know that you and the school are working together. It is not the rest of the world's problem to teach your son how to behave, it is yours. Stop making excuses for him. Stop treating him when he gets excluded. You are teaching him not to have any respect for his education or the people that work to educate him.
Stop now. Call the school, ask them what you can do to support the behaviour strategies they need to employ. Show your son that enough is enough.

Your son is never going to change because you enable him. How do you think it is going to work if you home school him? He will run rings around you. Do you think he will become a functioning member of society? How is this going to happen without discipline and strong guidance and leadership

Oh dear Lord, that poor boy. He sounds traumatised!

He needs a one-to-tutor if you can get one in the house (there’s a company, I can’t remember the name of, if you message me I’ll get it). I’d have been that person in the past.

You also sound lost, please look after you x

Why do you not want to 'bring your partner into this'?

The point of a partner is so they are there to support you. This is the biggest and most stressful thing (I assume) happening in your life right now and you aren't opening up about it? Do you not think he would be supportive? You don't need him to do anything or become involved in a hands on sense. He doesn't need to be a parent - but for you to unload on? Why wouldn't you want him to listen to you and help you with your feelings around it all?

Is he not that sort of man?

Maybe he has never turned on you because you allow his behaviour. I understand that a small mistake should be met with a restorative discussion and support. However your son is repeatedly hurting and abusing people. You don’t discipline him but reward him by taking him out. You have made a rod for your own back with this and tbh I think he is heading for prison like his dad. I would bet you any money that the minute you actually put your foot down and implement some form of sanction that will be when he will turn on you. Or maybe you already know this and that’s why you don’t bother.