Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

@cestlavielife

You do not understand, I can not make my son do anything! It’s easy for people here to say, make him do this, make him do that, in reality I can not make him, I can only ask him.

He certainly isn’t going to do as he is told because I’ve taken away his things, the only things he has left now is TV and Lego I guess he is fine with that.

@bigbabycooker

I appreciate your advice and suggestions, but no way could I go back to work just yet.

@Crazycrazylady

Tomorrow is Saturday, I will call again on Monday if my son is still refusing. I think the only way I could make him go back is to probably bribe him, which I’m not going to do.

Yesterday morning we were looking at Lego sets, and deciding what we were going to do on the weekend, we will not be doing anything.

Sorry, but there’s no way I would send him to boarding school.

@Crazycrazylady

He may however accept it from a strong male figure. Ie all the people he has assaulted have been women. He clearly has no respect for them.

I beg your pardon? my son has NEVER ever assaulted a women/girl before, the people he has physically assaulted have all been male.

Why on earth do you think I come down so hard on him yesterday? and are still disgusted and embarrassed

Because he thought he was ok to verbally abuse a girl, one thing I will not have from him is disrespecting girls/women.

I still don’t know what happened and when he does finally tell me, his excuse we never be justifiable

He has to earn back the things you’ve confiscated. If he’s not at school you make him work at home. Print off worksheets — the most boring, tedious ones you can find. Putting words in alphabetical order, identifying spelling mistakes, pages of basic addition, subtraction, etc… All doable but boring as hell, none of them need help so no need for him to ask for help. He completes 4, 5 minute break for loo, drink. Another 4. And so on.
If he’s not doing school work he cleans windows, sweeps paths, washes floors. Keep him beyond busy.
At the end of a week without a tantrum, swear word etc he might have earned one item back.
You have to be tough to get him back on track.
Look at the counselling to get to the bottom of his behaviour, the reasons behind it. Don’t try reasoning or bargaining with him, just tell him what is going to happen.

@DrainedNFedUp is there a reason you won't say whether you've been advised/directed towards support over the past few years?

Well if it was real life you'd have him doing school work whilst he was at home, ask the PRU to email stuff over for him to do, or look at online resources;
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@Justmeandthedog1

This is very frustrating for me, you do not understand. I can NOT make my son do anything he doesn’t want to do, as for chores he is a very clean and tidy boy and always helps out with cleaning.

@kittensinthekitchen

I have already told you, the only thing my son has been offered in mentoring.

Then you and your son have been massively failed by both health and education services.

Who organised the PRU placement?

Agreed! But as a teacher I find this very unlikely! To place a child in offsite education such as a PRU, CAMHS is our first port of call and Educational Psychology would be heavily involved.

@Nowhereelsetogo90

The last school set up the management move to the PRU after the permanent exclusion.

Some prus are attached to schools or trusts so it's more internal. This could be done without camps. Waiting lists are years long and op is clearly a middle class snob with money, a nice house, new sensible partner, so I can believe social services have ignored or closed the file. She outwardly is against crime etc. Have you seen the camhs and ss backlogs? This child should have help but I can well believe he hasn't.

@Boomboom22

No, I haven’t. I did a self referral to SS but then told them I no longer needed the help.

I don’t appreciate you calling me a snob because I’m not!

And yes you’re right, my child hasn’t had any help.

Please believe he wasn’t like this before his father went to prison.

But he was younger before his father was imprisoned. He had more structure in his education pre lockdown. Did he attend in person during the pandemic or keep up with online schooling? Hormonal changes and some neurodivergence can affect behaviour over time coupled with learning about his father and getting excluded several times.

@LIZS

You probably missed it but I already explained, during the worst time of the pandemic my son had to participate in online learning, it was like a class.

His prep school only had around 9-11 pupils so they gradually opened the school against

He was permanently excluded near to the end of year 6 2021, if it wasn’t for his father my child would still be in secondary school.

Hi @DrainedNFedUp , I'm sorry this latest incident has happened and I'm sorry I made fun of you the other day. I was just frustrated because I felt you weren't taking it seriously. You are clearly taking it seriously now.

I do agree with other posters that a strict boarding school might be really good for your boy because it will give him structure and self-esteem. It will also remove him from any unhelpful influences he may have in his life currently.

I don't think your son is on drugs but I do wonder if you should see if he drinks sometimes. Because you seem to be describing sudden outbursts followed by periods of sleep - could be that he is drinking on the sly and that doesn't help his behaviour either.

I understand why you don't like the boarding school idea but put it this way - if you do what you've always done, you'll get the same results you're getting currently. So maybe now it's time to do things different.

@potniatheron

Thank you for apologising, I really appreciate it. I will always reject the idea of a boarding school, my son is all that I have, and I know he wouldn’t want to go.

And I can guarantee you that my child doesn’t drink alcohol, I do not keep any alcohol in the house and please do not suggest that people in the PRU bring it in for him.

There are no sudden outbursts followed by sleeping either.

My son has always had a nap during the day, e.g when he was younger he’d fall asleep in the car on the way from school, or have a nap as soon as he gets in.

Even on long car journeys he prefers to sleep, he has always went to sleep early too, so I’m not worried.

It’s difficult to watch this happening. I see a passive and deflated mum who depends on her son for emotional and social fulfilment. A sad and angry boy without clear boundaries. A criminal absent father. No real quality professional intervention.

I am not sure why the PRU are not being more proactive.

Unfortunately things may have to get worse for anyone to take notice. Persistent school refusal, violence, crimes etc. Maybe then one adult in this poor boy’s life will stand up and take control.

You are taking the piss?? Please tell me you’re taking the piss.

You do need help and lots of it

I agree - I keep coming back to this thread. It's a bit like picking a scab. I'm a mother of three young adults and not one of them would have been telling me at 13 that they weren't going to school for no reason other than that they didn't want to.

@DrainedNFedUp I'm really, really struggling to understand how you made excuses for your son threatening to kill a teacher (assumed this was a female?) but calling a girl names and throwing water at her causes more of a reaction?

For your son's sake, and yours - read this thread from the start again. Note down all the pieces of good advice you've been given, services/people you can contact for help and holler out loud until you get help. Will SS really think that you contacted them and suddenly you don't need their help, and pass it off? Though maybe they're so overstretched that they will.

You have to swallow any embarrassment. This is real, it's happening and you are the only person who can do anything about it but you need to do it urgently. It's going to get more and more embarrassing as his behaviour will only escalate.

You couldn't send him to boarding school (not sure any would have him anyway) - I get that, I couldn't have done it either with mine - think how much worse it will be when he ends up in prison? There is no doubt he will if his behaviour doesn't improve.

Show the PRU that you will support and work with them. Lean on them to work with you. They are probably used to parents who don't give a flying one, whose kids didn't lick their behaviour off the back of a door, or are just plain neglected. Do not be that parent. Engage, push, insist.

You are the only hope your son has. Don't let him down any longer.

@adriftinadenofvipers

Hi

My son has never ever been rude or assaulted a girl or a female member of staff, I don’t understand why people thought it was a female member or staff, when I didn’t tell you that?

I explained this a few pages back.

Now do you understand why I have reacted the way I did, and enforced punishment on him?

I will not have him disrespecting women or girls, I will NOT allow it, I am still embarrassed and ashamed!

My son has never witnessed a male disrespecting me or physically assaulting me, what he did yesterday crossed the line, he will continue being punished, I do not care!

I am unable to do anything whilst he is refusing to go to school, one thing I will not do is bribe him.

Could you refer him to CAMHS?

You can still discuss with PRU, ss etc. even if a meeting is virtual. You need to try to get him ti school every day. No lie-ins, supervise any virtual learning if offered. Has he written any apology for his verbal abuse and behaviour yesterday?