Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Absolutely this. It’s so important you don’t take him out. Does the PRU use a range of alternative provision placements or are all the students based at the PRU? There may be various options available. His behaviour is likely to escalate as boundaries are put in place but there’s lots of excellent support out there for you both. You’ve been given lots of brilliant and consistent advice throughout this thread. He needs an education and support to turn things around.

But threatening to kill someone is fine...

You're not quite right in the head.

👏👏👏

Just RTFT truly shocking, however the style of the OPs posts is very reminiscent of the M&S threads.
I think Pinkflipflop has summed it up though in that it's taken name calling and the son throwing water over someone to make the OP suddenly see the light🤔but threatening to kill someone was somehow excusable.

No problem - your thread has been amazing, the sheer number of people who have tried to help you is a credit to your 'posting style'. Your story is wasted on MN.😂

The PRU has staff who are trained to deal with children like your son, it would be mad to take him away. I'd suggest you make him go back and make an appointment to go to talk to them to make a joint plan about how you are going to turn things around.

It would be a major safeguarding red flag to remove him from pru. Highly likely it would be reported to LA and Children's services. No ms private school is going to take him. You really need to get over your embarrassment and accept all and any help recommended - PRU system, CAMHS, counselling, inclusion officer, support charities around families of offenders. Your affluence does not make him immune to vulnerability or exploitation. The material advantages do not outweigh the negative associations. Any chance he has a hidden second phone? Would talking to a pcso about the consequences of such actions in the real world be helpful?

It is incredibly strange that this child is in alternative provision yet has had no apparent involvement with any other services - CAMHS, social work etc.

Have these services and supports ever been advised or offered to you and your son @DrainedNFedUp ?

@LIZS

No he doesn’t have a second phone, just stop it please. Why are you even asking? What is the obsession here with county lines and the impression that he is calling people.

I haven’t sent him to school today, he has asked me where his stuff is, I told him I’ve taken them because of his behaviour yesterday, he said that he doesn’t care and he isn’t returning back to the PRU and I can’t force him.

Actually not thinking of county lines specifically, merely that he may have access to a network of contacts and internet beyond your knowledge. Have you liaised with PRU?

No he doesn’t have a second phone, just stop it please. Why are you even asking? What is the obsession here with county lines and the impression that he is calling people.

Is it honestly surprising that people are considering whether an out of control child who is in very regular contact with convicted criminals, has already been excluded from all mainstream schools and is unable to get back on track via a PRU, might be involved in drugs?

@SofiaSoFar

Yes it is surprising he is 13 years of age and people here think he is involved in dealing drugs.

To whom exactly?

He rejects going out with his uncles, so please stop assuming, and they wouldn’t try to exploit him, my ex is a serious individual they’d be dead.

@DrainedNFedUp plenty of kids that age are involved with drugs. Particularly those from criminal backgrounds like your son. You haven’t answered anybody’s questions yet as to what you previously did for a living that allows a work-free lifestyle at 33. People are assuming that your son therefore lives from the proceeds of crime. As for my ex is a “serious individual” and they would “be dead,” can’t you see that if his Dad is like this then no wonder your son thinks that threats to kill are ok?!

You fucked up massively by not dragging his sorry arse to school.

He should have been sent to apologise to the girl he insulted and assaulted yesterday. I bet you give his devices back before the day is out. You are letting him walk all over you and everyone else. He’s no innocent!!!

@adriftinadenofvipers

What exactly can I do if my child is refusing to go to school? I can not drag him, if I were to send him to school today he’d do something to be sent home.

@DrainedNFedUp

You have to take charge!

I have spoken to the school, I told them that he has refused to come in today.

No one can help me when it comes to getting my child to school, like I said I can’t physically force him. What would you like me to do drag him to the car?

If necessary.

If he'd ever had any proper discipline, then it wouldn't be an issue.

If he'd ever had any proper discipline, then it wouldn't be an issue.

Hard to admit it, but it’s true.

Well do notvreward him by taking him out!
Hecan stay isn his room
Do chores

People are not really assuming, OP has herself stated that her ex funnels money to her son through "uncles" that keeps him in the lap of luxury. She stated that she doesn't care where the money comes from and won't stop her son enjoying it either. Apparently that is a non-issue for OP, and wonders why it raises massive flags for everyone else.

@DrainedNFedUp

Honestly, OP, I think you do need some help/counselling. Your son is probably a bit traumatised and you and his dad have given him some very mixed messages about values and behaviours by lying to him (You about where his father went and him because he lied that he would give up crime. You are still kind of lying to him and yourself by being so adamant that he won't go into crime without criticising or rejecting what his father has done and taking his money)

I also think you need:

• parenting classes/support to help with boundaries; and

• a job

I suspect you will sneer at the last one, but honestly I think it might be the single thing that is best for your son in terms of setting an example. To show him that you are doing something that is a bit of hassle and which inconveniences you, but that you can be proud of making an effort, however small, to better yourself and improve your own circumstances. It doesn't have to be a big job, or you could study instead. Point is that you and his dad are showing him that there is an "easy way" to avoid doing hard stuff, you can opt out and spend money that has been inherited (you) or stolen (him). Presumably you wanted to send your son to the best school you could and invested money into private schooling because you believed that it was important for him to be able to find a role within wider society? Why would be tough it out if that is what you have shown him?

Op. Go into school tomorrow and meet them. They deal with troubled teens all the time and see what they suggest.
Honestly in your position where he is excluded from a pru. I'd be looking at a boarding school for him along the tough love high discipline lines.
You had never disciplined him previously so I think now at 13 it might be too late for you to try and start. He probably won't accept it from you.

He may however accept it from a strong male figure. Ie all the people he has assaulted have been women. He clearly has no respect for them.