Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

If DS hasn’t been formally excluded you need to stop the PRU unlawfully, informally excluding DS. Ensuring the exclusions are formal provides you with evidence for pursuing further support.

What punishment will he receive for today then OP?

You don't need to remove him. That's the worst thing to do as it won't fix anything and he will just end up an adult in the CJS. Work with the PRU to get boundaries and consequences in place. I hope the girl is okay and I hope this is you accepting reality of his destination.

@Name99

What do you suggest as suitable punishment?

Just went in to check on him; he has taken himself to sleep.

Op speak to the PRU
taking him out is just what he wants

I misbehave and mummy willl cone snd tske me out with my lego

Make him go back and grovel apologies to the girl
Removing him will not teach him anything
Do notvpick him up early
PRU has to address his behaviour however they do that acc to his behaviour plan and behaviour policy of the pru

Callimg mummyto pick him up wont help
Making him sit in head of PRU office f9r three hours and write apology might

For tonight
Make him write an apology
And have him explain to you how he proposes to make it up to this girl
ask him what would be the worst insult anyone could tell him
And ask him how it would feel

Wake him up he does not need to be asleep

I really had hope that he would start behaving and we could move forward, would like to know what possessed him to think it was acceptable to do what he did today.

Every time you excused his behaviour, you got one step closer to today.
Ask for referrals to early help and child centred policing. Do it as a matter of urgency.

I do not know why you thought he was magically going to start behaving himself when nothing else was changed and you continue to reward his bad behaviour.

I am also surprised that you think calling someone a Fat Ugly Bitch, as unpleasant as that is, is the worst of your sons transgressions. I would find threatening to kill somebody a bit more serious.

I think you need to find home another placement and this time start working with the people that are trying to help you.

I'm not sure how long you will keep up this attitude to be honest. In another few days again "the posters on here" may be blamed and told they are pathetic for calling our your son on his behaviour and you will insist he is perfect again after he apologizes to you. But if you are serious about making changes, all the suggestions have already been given to you in over 30 pages, and it is up to you to take them seriously and act on them. I also find it difficult to fathom why you think bullying a girl is more serious now than making a death threat.

OP, it sounds like you could really benefit from some parenting classes - SS might be able to arrange this for you.

I am not saying that to be horrible - but it’s clear he has behavioural issues and that you don’t have the tools to apply discipline or consequences and hopefully some guided classes could help you with that.

You could stop giving him money?

And stop buying him Lego and taking him on days out 🙄

Tell him you are ashamed of his actions - the name calling, the rudeness, the disrespect, the threats of violence, the waving money around.

start parenting him

give him chores to do everyday

stop his access to money. And that includes £10 a day for snacks at school.

no nice outings

no hundreds of pounds of lego

take away his phone, tablet, computer, games console. He gets 1 back for each week he behaves

contact the school. Explain how you have been lax and ineffective and ask for help.

@TrashyPanda

He will not be be having any nice days out, even if we go to the supermarket I will not allow him to pick out what he wants.

I have been in his room whilst he is sound asleep.

I have taken the iPad
Steamdeck
Nintendo Switch
Phone
And the plug to his PS5

Enough is enough!

I will call the school tomorrow, I don’t even want him to return, I just feel so sorry for the girl.

What do you plan to do about his education? By law you have to ensure he is in education full time. Keeping him out is rewarding him for his behaviour.

@Quia

I am not too sure, it’s just so brazen of him to come home and go to sleep like he doesn’t have a care in the word or no conscience.

I am still furious right now, I opened up to my partner for the first time about my sons behaviour. He was so shocked but is happy that I’ve told him.

The situation you have described is pretty normal territory for PRU students Ime.

If you remove him from the school he really won't get the help he needs, and deserves, to stay out of serious trouble in life.

You need to speak to his school and social services and ask for urgent help. For your sake as well as his.

Just over 200 posts to go before this thread sinks gracelessly below the MN horizon. …………

I wonder if we have enough space left to see a turn around and redemption as the child sees the error of his ways and turns into a model pupil, the father regrets his criminal past and reforms , and OP becomes a wise parent with boundaries and tough love who writes a self help book on child rearing and goes on Loose Women.

Op. You can withdraw him as he is required by law to be in education and no other school will take him given his behaviour. The school may segregate him from the rest of the school
Population.
It's pretty hard to get expelled from a pru but violence against a teacher may do it if he decides that he wants our once and for all.

Aw, I love a happy ending.

The OP just keeps on giving.

Must be one for Classics.

@FiveShelties

Glad to know you think this is a big joke, thanks 🙂

Don't take your son out of the PRU. He has to face the consequences of his actions.

Make him apologise. Ask him how he would feel if someone had said the same thing to you.

Go into school; I'm assuming there will be a re-integration meeting. Ask for help; they will make a referral to early help.

Tell them that you are struggling to put boundaries in place:

Then turn round and tell your son in front of the people running the meeting that this behaviour will stop. That you and school are on the same page and if he wants his devices back he will have to earn them.

Ask school to put him on report and get it signed off every day. Track his effort and progress.

Don't you see that taking him out of the PRU is the worst possible thing you could do? If you do, he's got his own way again. He's done worse and you've supported and rewarded him. Am sure although the girl didn't deserve it she is no angel either or she wouldn't be there. He needs to own this and go back and apologise to her. He needs an education and he needs the structure of the PRU.

I don't know what it is about this incident that has finally make you take notice?

@adriftinadenofvipers

It’s just the whole him being disrespectful to a girl and making nasty comments, I did not raise him like that and that kind of behaviour will NEVER be tolerated by me. I am still fuming and furious, how dare he say such things.

Yes the other incidents were bad, but this one has changed my whole perspective of him, I never in a million years would think he’d do and say something like this. He is my son and I love him and will always support, protect and love him no matter what. But this incident has me like “who the hell does he think he is” his father was never ever violent or verbally abusive to me, and never has been.