Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Well as long as he apologises 'within 24 hours' for making threats to kill, that's OK then.

Hi @DrainedNFedUp I'm interested in a comment you made upthread to the effect that you made your money when you were younger by 'selling things nobody wanted'. That sounds interesting, please would you explain further?

@potniatheron

I said that a house, money and things were left to me when I was younger, I also sold a lot of things I didn’t want anymore.

Bags, shoes some jewellery etc, please bear in mind that I did have a job but I had to stop working because this situation had a bad effect on my mental health.

My son has gone to school today, hopefully he has a good day. I have told him if he continues to behave he might be able to go back to a normal school; he said he would prefer to stay where he is with his friends.

You've said you would continue to top your son up financially when he's working. What if he doesn't get a job - it's going to be difficult if he won't work at school? Will you still support him financially then?

@FilthyforFirth

I beg your pardon?

Where is here? and yes he does have a few friends at the PRU, please read back some pages.

Yes he doesn’t like going but he still goes, “people” such as teachers and staff and some of the other kids there 🙂

Try harder at what exactly? You are trying anything to “catch me out” you’ll never succeed because all is the truth 🙂

@DrainedNFedUp

you must have had a very good job op

@LuckySantangelo35 I did.

My son has a good day at school today, no complaints (thank god) I can relax a bit now as I’ve been one edge and anxious throughout the day.

@DrainedNFedUp

that’s good

This is exactly what I said a few days ago!! Same style of writing!

Adverse Childhood Experiences are real not something to be taken lightly. If this post is being truthful then there are 2 risk factors that I can positively identify for this child. Parental separation and family member in prison. The more adverse experiences the higher the chance of turning to drink, drugs and crime.

A role model is someone who exemplifies behaviours that they and people around them would be proud of, or has achieved greatness and/or in the face of adversity. Being a criminal and in prison is the opposite of a role model so I would say the answer is your son has no male role models in his life. His father is most certainly not one.

@Movingonup2023

I didn’t ask if there was a possibly of my son turning to drink, drugs and crime so why have you brought that diagram to my attention.

My son will not turn to drink, drugs or crime. We will be starting therapy next week, we’ll get to the bottom of the problem. My aim is to get my child back into a mainstream school, possibly another private school but I know it will not be as good as the first one. The only thing I can do now is pray and keep the faith in God, because he knows best.

I am confident that everything will be alright, I am going to let my partner come round more
often, so they can get to know one another properly.

And before anyone here says it, no my son will not become violent towards him!

I will let you know how we get on with therapy, I am going to take a break from this site until then, it’s very draining for me.

No you didn’t therefore I didn’t mention you or reply to you, so get off your high horse. My post was in support of all the posters who are saying the exact same thing. They aren’t pulling this out of thin air it is actually highly probable and there are many studies which prove this.

With every single post it becomes more and more clear that you don't know him AT ALL.

I've no doubt then, that being the case, he will apologise when one day he follows through on his threats. I'm sure the judge will say, "never mind the dead person, you're sorry"!!!

God is probably facepalming like most posters in horror if he reads Mumsnet!!!

This literal 'hero worship' of your son whose behaviour is an utter disgrace, is so fucked up, I have to be honest! I don't know why you won't take on board some of the good advice you have had, but @DrainedNFedUp, I cannot believe that any parent can be so blinkered in the face of such dire behaviour, and yet you persist in portraying your son as some sort of angel? He's got you wound right around his little finger. I don't know how much more he has to do to ram it home to you that he's not the lovely little boy you think he is?

Teenagers can be devious little turds, and a good parent needs to be on the ball and be a couple of steps ahead. The majority of them come out the other end as decent people, and in fact most of them manage to navigate the teen years without major incident. Your boy is only just a teen and look at his history?!

You need some urgent therapy for you if you can still justify and minimise all he's done and make sure he has the best of everything via his gangster dad. Did it never occur to you that all the money flung at him is an inducement to join the family firm? If you are so independently wealthy I don't know why you continue to accept this filthy money.

Maybe if you could work on yourself you could return to your high earning career and let your boy at least see one of his parents working for a living...

I hope your poor DP knows what he's got himself mixed up with... unless he's also part of the criminal fraternity whose crimes you are indirectly condoning by allowing your son to benefit from the crimes of his father.

I will be very, very surprised if any mainstream school is ever willing to take him back with his track record.

I read your post in absolute disbelief! You are massively minimising your son’s actions and almost justifying his behaviour. Taking a knife into a PRU with the intention of harming someone is appalling! He needs urgent help and you need some firm boundaries, otherwise he’s heading straight for a lifetime behind bars. I’ve worked with kids who have had far tougher upbringings and they haven’t behaved like this. A judge is not going to give a shit about his issues when he’s sentencing him in court. You need to stop making excuses and start teaching him some boundaries.

Your child is a teenager, OP. Please, remember that he is growing up. It is normal for ALL teenagers to stop telling their parents everything and to stadt behaving in ways you would never have imagined. You continue to sound incredibly naive in the way you assume you know exactly what he would and wouldn’t do. People aren’t suggesting things to be mean, but because it’s important that you start to be more realistic about your son,

Please please lose the blinkers. Young people at private schools and/or those with ready disposable cash are significantly more at risk of falling into drugs etc. They can get away with it for much longer without it being noticed where those without access to money it gets noticed quickly. Lack of money isn't the biggest factor in falling prey to county lines either, a desire to belong and have friends is. I'm not saying that your son is involved in these things, just that you need to stop believing that money will somehow protect him from them.

His age doesn't mean he's safe from things. At 13 my son was having suicidal thoughts and searching associated things on the internet. We got him help and things have moved on thankfully but if I hadn't been checking his phone I may not have known until it was too late. Money won't protect him from that either.

You need to reframe your thinking on some things, for instance the refusal to do any work which you said you didn't see as misbehaving. If you were at work and a colleague refused to do anything of the workload would you not see that as wrong?

You sound like a mum trying to do your best but please see that it's important you take the advice you've been given and don't be fooled into thinking money stops risk for teens. @DrainedNFedUp

How on earth does a single unemployed parent with the other parent in jail afford private secondary school? You are both clearly knee deep in crime.

@Busybody2022

Knee deep in crime? 😂😂😂😂 you sound so pathetic, I have already explained where
my money has come from, I’m just very careful with mine, I’m 33 and don’t see myself going back to work, just yet if ever.

So don’t assume without knowing 🙂

@POTC

Sorry to hear about your child, I hope he is feeling better now 🤗

@bridgetreilly

I am being realistic, I know my child. It’s not my fault that some parents don’t truly know theirs.

@Oxterguff

Well, you didn’t read it correct because my child didn’t bring a knife into school, I also don’t know why you are talking about judges, my son hasn’t committed any crimes.

But people on here seem to think my 13 year old should have been arrested and charged for fighting in school, being disrespectful, peeing in the playground because a teacher refused to let him out (which is classed as torture) police would probably just laugh.

A teacher refusing to let a child out to the toilet is not torture.