Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

will not drink from the water machine at school.

Why?

He is trying to control a lot of what he can control
Or what you let him control
Perhaps is a big sign of anxiety over what he cannot control ( , like having a crap dad who is in prison, having to buy friends, etc )

Get him seen by a therapist/psychologist

You’ve ignored so many questions asking about SEN or what referrals have been suggested. I imagine they have been suggested and you haven’t consented?

You need to find out how much money he has free access to and where it comes from.

And you need to shut that flow of money off.

You've got no idea what's going on with him.

Do you check his phone? Have you got controls on his internet access?

So he takes a large water bottle with him.
single use bottles are killing the planet.
he can take in a packet of crisps and a Mars bar.
no need for any cash. Stop spoiling him. £20 a day is ludicrous

it is your duty as a parent to know how much money he has access to. It’s basic safeguarding.

It's very unusual to be able to pay in cash in schools, are you sure he sounds it there? Is he stashing money? Does he give you the change each night?

Please get him counselling, his world is very confusing and you not wanting to be seen as lower class is driving you to ignore red flags about his mh. I understand the other kids are not suitable etc but really you will have to try and engage. It's clearly snobbishness stopping you asking for help.

Plus it's normal for kids in my grammar to be diagnosed with asd even in 6th form. If you truly think anxiety is the main driver consider this.

@TrashyPanda

I am not going to send my child to school with a large bottle of water, it doesn’t make sense. I will make sure that he takes no more than £10 to school, I’ll also be checking coat pocket and jogging bottom pockets at the end of the day too.

@gencritdd

No I don’t check his phone, he has an iPhone but he isn’t addictive to it. He only uses it in the car to pass time.

@Boomboom22

It’s a PRU not a mainstream school, I also asked why the kids were allowed to bring money instead of having a cashless system or a card that parents/guardians could top up.

I am getting him counselling/therapy it’s pending.

@Freshstarts22

Mentoring

I’m sorry but I don’t believe he has gone through this system without anybody ever suggesting a CAMHS referral or early help. It doesn’t make sense. That means an awful lot of adults have failed in their duty to safeguard him. People through safeguarding around a lot on here, often out of context but in this situation there clearly is a safeguarding issue.

I am beyond caring that people here believe and what they don’t believe.

He has not been at the PRU for long.

I am not going to send my child to school with a large bottle of water, it doesn’t make sense

of course it does

it saves money and it saves plastic

You're an absolute fool not to be checking his phone.

So that discussion you had with him at the weekend about the unacceptability of misbehaving at school didn't really have any effect, did it? What sanctions have you imposed for his behaviour on Monday?

@gencritdd

You must be a very unhappy individual to casually insult me like that, did it make you feel better/happy?

I do not need to check my child's phone, stop with your weird assumptions, what do you think I’m going to find in his phone?

@Rosula

I will not be sanctioning him, he didn’t misbehave at school, refusing to work is not misbehaving.

I wish you well with your boy and hope you both get the help you need, if this is genuine of course.

Of course it is. If I refused to do my job wonder what will happen?

If any of this is true I wish you luck.

he didn’t misbehave at school, refusing to work is not misbehaving.
Yes it is. Every time you minimise his behaviour, you facilitate it.

I will not accept this kind of behaviour from him

I will not be sanctioning him.

which is it?

It’s a new day today, I’ve told him we will forgot about what happened yesterday. He knows I will be disappointed and upset with him if he continues yesterdays behaviour today.

I'm sure he's trembling in his boots at your version of "disappointed and upset".

Of course not working is misbehaving.

If he becomes accustomed to having shitloads of cash, and gets zero qualifications by acting as he is, I bet his "uncles" would be happy to tell him how to fund his lifestyle.

Of course refusing to do any schoolwork is misbehaving.

It's absolutely misbehaving.

He's not doing what he's required to do.

Therefore he is completely misbehaving.

Please, please listen to everyone and take his behaviour seriously.

Start putting boundaries in place now

And get specialist support from a prison charity.

I know that you don't want to admit to professionals that you are in this situation but you need help

OP ,this post is so sad.

I have read your post and all your replies and it is clear that you are minimising his bad behaviour,and therefore facilitating it.

Consequences for school behaviour need to be followed up at home.

The money at school is also rediculous, and puts him at risk of financial exploitation, or buying illicit substances. This needs to stop immediately.

Are social services involved? It sounds like they need to be.

It's clear that you need support with parenting as well, I mean this in the kindest way. Have you considered a parenting course?

Of course it is. It's direct disobedience.

I despair, really. You're now giving him the message that refusing to work is OK. Don't you actually want him to learn anything so that he can, y'know, earn a living and not follow in his father's footsteps?

But what will you actually do if or when he continues?