Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

If he is anything like the challenging children i know, if parents have strong boundaries on getting then in they just escalate the behaviour in school so they can be excluded and get to go home where they wanted to be in the first place.

Hope you dont get 'the call' op.

"In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to."

and then

"I don’t need any assistance"

"I really can’t cope with this anymore" & "I can do it myself" in the same post.

I think this is all just a waste of time too.

@CoffeeCantata

I am really annoyed of people saying that I am lying, my son did have some very close friends when he was in primary school, I was also very close with their mums/families.

If you were in my position would you want to still connect with them? My child was kicked out of school and then permanently excluded from the upper school, I’m embarrassed ok, that’s what it is.

I do not have anyone to speak to, well not anyone who will understand.

Also, I’ve called the school for an update. So far so good, no issues this morning. Hopefully he continues to behave today.

OP that’s my point. You don’t need to be embarrassed to ask for help. Everyone in the world needs it sometimes.

I feel like you think seeking support would make you a failure but it’s the opposite. It is okay to not always be strong.

It's also not healthy for your son to have "the best of everything" lavished on him by his father via his "uncles".
How will be cope in the real world working to live off his own efforts, without being spoon-fed "the best"?

Don't you (and his father) WANT him to be an independent, law abiding adult who earns his own livelihood through his own graft?

ATM he sounds horribly spoiled - by both his parents.

Do you think his dad wants his son to follow in his footsteps? If you asked him to stop the "uncles" giving your son money and things would he? For his son's sake??

I do not have anyone to speak to, well not anyone who will understand.

That's why reaching out to organisations that people have suggested could be helpful to both you and your son. You don't have to do this alone.

Do you think his dad wants his son to follow in his footsteps? If you asked him to stop the "uncles" giving your son money and things would he? For his son's sake??

@BMW6

Certainly not, hence why his father was adamant that he be privately educated.

So ask the father to stop supplying money and gifts via the Uncles!
Tell him his son is in danger of walking the same path as him, and ending up in the same place.

The money and gifts being lavished on his son are not helping him - quite the opposite.
The £10pw you give your son is too much. £5pw is more appropriate.
Indulging your son on days out whenever he wants is also detrimental. Stop it.

Also I suspect the insistence on private education was just him being flash to boost his own ego and self-esteem.
It's all so shallow and worthless. That's not nurturing your son.

So private education = successful responsible citizen?

Sorry, no money on earth guarantees that (and I'm speaking as the parent of a child at a private school).

Absolutely!

I think the OP also said the dad had high hopes for his son. No he didn’t, because a man who felt that way would be a role model for him not an habitual criminal lacking so defiantly in remorse that he has some criminal associate lavish the boy with dirty, dishonest money. Wonder what the outworkings of that will be, because rest assured this fellow criminal is not doing this for altruism! Either daddy dearest has a stash of stolen or extorted dosh waiting for when he gets out or payback will be required. Invidious situation either way!!

That's 10 per day that OP was reducing it to. Not per week. The money issue is not being talked about or addressed, but I agree that it is a major component of the whole situation.

Tell him he has to or you could be joining your ex in prison.

My son will continue to carry £10 per day to school, I’m not going to change that because people here think it’s too much.

£10 per DAY !!!!!

I misread and thought £10 per week!!!!

Oh FFS OP as parents you and your ex are both monumentally failing your child. He is well on his way to be a spoiled "prince" and already has the disadvantage of his father's genes. Now you are adding to the fuck up by enabling and spoiling as well.

That's it, I'm out. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will be visiting your son in HMP and bewailing the unfairness of it all in years to come.

What an epic clusterfuck of parenting.

I think you’d struggle to find anyone who thinks £200 a month to just take to school is ok. Especially when you’re clearly able to facilitate this because his other needs are being met by illegally gotten gains.

What is this money for? Lunch? I can't imagine there is anything else he can spent it on in a school.

Just an update, he refused to do any work for the whole day.

When I got him back into the car, he refused to speak to me. I wanted to do a small shop he wouldn’t get out of the car, had to leave him whilst I went in.

Now we are home, he has said he doesn’t want me or anyone to speak to him.

I think he has done this because I made him go to school today. I will not accept this kind of behaviour from him, I’ll go up and speak to him soon.

Why does he need it?

you take him and collect him.

I expect the school has some sort of card system for lunch and snacks.( It’s a PRU, they won’t be nipping out to the local chippy)

I don’t think many schools, especially a PRU where kids have already shown themselves to be lacking in impulse control , want kids walking around with cash in their pockets.

so what is the £10 actually for?

£10 a day, plus £200 he had just lying around.

OP - how much money does he have free access to?

Tell him to wise up. And to stop behaving like a toddler. That you are fed up with his bad attitude.

then leave him to stew.

don’t volunteer to make tea. He can make himself a sandwich.

Just ignore him. If he cannot be polite or engage leave him to stew. Repeat tomorrow. Perhaps rethink your day so you shop before collecting him and can come straight home. What dud school suggest? Do they feed back to you daily?

Are you sure there aren't any issues such as autism or adhd here? Your ds sounds similar to mine ( his behaviour, not his background or upbringing) Is that something you would consider looking into? The inability to control his anger, becoming overwhelmed and not wanting to speak to anyone, finding it hard to fit in socially and make friends. I could be way off, but why not do a little research. Even if he not, perhaps some of the strategies used for children with these difficulties could help him too.

@viques

The £10 is to buy snacks, drinks. My son drinks a lot of water and will not drink from the water machine at school.

@TrashyPanda

I am not too sure how much money he has laying around, because I don’t give him a lot of cash.