Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Has your DS ever visited his dad in prison?

@PonyPatter44

No he hasn’t.

Has nobody ever suggested a CAMHS or early help referral?

I have a child with SEN who I struggle to enforce boundaries with. But I know his reactions to boundaries and why I struggle.
you insist your son would never hurt you or be abusive to you so why are you so against disciplining him or setting boundaries? Do you feel guilty?

You really do need to toughen up. It’s only going to get worse I promise you. Been there done it.

He needs to be prepared for the real world and you will really regret it if you don’t act now. Therapy alone won’t fix this.

Stop blaming you ex husband for everything that is wrong with your child and take some responsibility for the situation by acknowledging your part in this mess!

, think he is misbehaving at school because he doesn’t want to be there, he has asked can he just stay at hone with me.,

And you say ?

Hopefully
Sorry son
You have to go to school
If you behave and learn
You can move to a regular school eventually
Go on to college or uni or apprenticeship

That's not true. It's over 2 years since he got himself expelled from primary school, and as I've said before, that takes quite some doing.

He is refusing to go this morning, no reason behind it except for he just wants to stay home.

If you let him stay home - and you shouldn't - do not allow him to have a nice day. No outings. No Lego. No phone. No TV.

Tough, you need to get him there somehow. If not call the inclusion officer and get strategies in place.

He doesn’t have a choice.
make him

Tought shit. Monday morning means school.

OP, you won't be doing your son and his future any favours if you give in to his thinking that school and an education is optional.

No wonder he doesn't want to go it's the only area in his life where there are demands and boundaries, outside of that he does exactly what he likes with your blessing. You are on a collision course to absolute disaster, call the PRU and ask them to help.

FGS put your big girl pants on and go and parent your child and send him to school.

This should be interesting.

if the op gives in that’s it, she has lost the battle, and probably the war.

if she insists she might see the side of him that his teachers have been telling her about for years.

In my experience, private schools can often be more tolerant of poor behaviour. Because, you know, you’re paying. And times is tough. The only time I’ve personally seen exclusions in the independent sector is when other parents threaten to move their children to get away from children like yours.
If you really want to do the right thing for your son, contact the PRU and Early Help. And do exactly what they say, stop making excuses for why you and your son ‘can’t’. Your son needs boundaries and a bit of tough love, not an enabler.

Oh FGS grow up, be a parent and send your child to school. Drag him there by the ears if you have to.

Of course he just wants to 'stay at home with you'. It's a wet Monday morning, Tough!

You need to suddenly find somewhere else you need to be. Have you ever spoken to www.prisonersfamilies.org/pages/category/support-for-families

He has gone into school, I told him that it’s non-negotiable. He asked if I could collect him early, I said that he needs to stay the whole day.

Now I’m on edge incase I get a phone call to collect him, I really can’t cope with this anymore

@LIZS NO I haven’t and I don’t plan to, I do not want any support from prison families, I have been going through this for years, I can do it myself.

It is great that your son has gone to school. You might want to give school a call a little later, just to see how he is coping. I know you do not want intervention yet, but Head of Year, Head of Pastoral Support, Safeguarding Officer (for your son) and perhaps an Education Social Worker would be people to bear in mind to enhance communication between school and home.

Don't forget to think about support for your own MH.

You need to refuse to pick him up. Have you asked for support in getting him there and keeping him there?

That organisation may be able to signpost you for appropriate counselling for him, with those familiar with issues arising from having parents in prison. Not just from other criminal families. you need all the help you can get.

OP I say this gently but is there a reason you are so against seeking support?

It doesn’t make you a failure to ask for help - it’s one of the strongest things you can do. There has been some fantastic signposting to charities and social services. You can’t continue to carry this all alone - it’s going to end up with you having a breakdown.

Talk to your partner, engage with the school, speak to one of the signposted charities or ask social services for support. You seem to believe you have to carry this all alone and that isn’t the case.

I get you likely have trust issues after all that’s happened with your ex but your son needs more help than you can provide solo. That doesn’t make you a failure. It happens.

@vinividivinci

I will call them at 10.30, I am also going to ask to speak to the head.

Thanks for your advice, it’s well appreciated.

@LIZS He already knows he has to stay until the end of the day, it’s non negotiable! I do not need any support in getting my son there, nor keeping him there, I will collect him at home time, before letting him out of the car, I asked him to please not embarrass me, just go in and behave yourself.

I appreciate your advice but I can sort counselling for my child, I don’t need any assistance.

You clearly can't do it by yourself, OP; have you absolutely no insight, or have you not taken on board anything from over 20 pages' worth of feedback?! For God's sake, woman, your 'love', foolish pride and ego are standing in the way of this child accessing external support that you BOTH clearly need. Be on your head when he ends up in prison like his Father.

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

OP - I just don't believe you. You claim to be in desperate need of help and advice but aren't really engaging with any of the advice suggested by so many posters. You come across as living in a strange fantasy world and encouraging you son to live in it with you.

Secondly - WHY don't you have anyone in real life you can speak to? You paint a picture of a weird mother/son relationship which is far from healthy. He has no friends - and you seem determined to stop him having them?? He just wants to be with you? At 13? And you also say you have no friends. Either this is the weirdest situation I've heard of for a very long time or (I'm pretty sure) it's a silly, time-wasting joke in very poor taste.

No-one can be this unfocused or un-self-aware...can they?