Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

@TrashyPanda

Yes, I know he is there because of his bad behaviour. I just don’t understand how he knew how to behave before, but doesn’t know how to behave now, he says he is NOT doing it on purpose.

He didn't know how to behave before. He's had multiple exclusions.
It is incredibly hard to get a place in a PRU so you both need to make this work. Ask for a referral to child centred policing.
This isn't just "bad behaviour". He's threatened adults with physical violence. You need to stop minimising it.

He needs to concentrate on doing what he is told to do, when he is told to do it.

he needs to reflect on his past actions, acknowledge where he has gone wrong and how to avoid repeating it.

this is something you can do with him.

you both need to be open and honest. Tell him how upset his behaviour makes you. Tell him how worried you are about him.

ask him how does he see his life going forward, and then you can both plan how he is going to achieve that.

lots of things in life take hard work and self-discipline. How can you work together so he reaches his full potential.

the aim of parenting is to help a child become a self-sufficient, well-balanced adult. And that means that there are times when you have to say “no” as well as times when you say “well done! I’m proud of you”

He's not known how to behave for years . And years and years.

he's been excluded from multiple schools, and is in a pru.

It's incredibly hard to end up in a pru.

He's threatening adults with violence.

This is not a child who is unsure about the rules about blazers or has forgotten his ruler.

This is an incredibly badly behaved child for years.

The most important thing you need to do is stop minimising his behaviour.

And he needs to take responsibility foe his actions

There is something quite strange about your responses OP, though I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I also find it strange that you were close to considering procreating with your partner, yet he knows nothing about your son’s major current issues?

I just wish your son had some decent adults in his life; the current setup is not healthy.

People here are saying he has been a badly behaved child for years, NO he hasn’t this only started 2 years ago due to the circumstances with his father.

Probably because the school had consistent boundaries which he was able and willing to respect when he was younger. His father has obviously not and seems to have gained from it. You have covered up and enabled that for years out of some misguided loyalty. Your ds thinks of him as hard done by rather than a criminal who deserves his punishment and is a poor example to follow. You need to stop minimising and excusing his behaviour, rewarding it even. What you see as incentive to behave he just sees as his entitlement.

I keep hoping to see a deletion message as at the centre of this saga is a child being allowed to go astray who will soon head into criminality and serious antisocial behaviour .

@WhereIsMyRefund Yes I was considering another baby with my partner, I am 33 right now and I don’t want to leave it too long. It probably will not happen now, my partner doesn’t have any children.

@TrashyPanda I have told him how his behave has made me feel.

Yes I am very worried about him and his behaviour that’s why I wanted to withdraw him from the PRU, but people here told me not to.

If you withdraw him from the PRU, will you home educate him?

Two years is an incredibly long term problem.

Multiple exclusions.

He's in a pru.

You are in complete denial about the situation, and how bad it is.

Withdrawing from pru would raise massive red flags

@MrsHamlet

No I wouldn’t, due to my own mental health I wouldn’t be able to be consistent with him.

What do you want to happen?

I assume that you want him to behave.

What means that you need to be really really firm and strict with boundaries.

No treats, no money , no going out until his behaviour improves

I'm still completely shocked that you bought him a lego set when he'd been excluded from.the pru for thr fourth time.

Tomorrow morning go into the pru and beg for help. Then listen and do what they say, exactly.

Then maybe disaster can be avoided

Then you need to stop making out that hod behaviour is a blip.
You need to back up the PRU.
You need firm boundaries at home.
All the pocket money and Lego is a terrible idea. He needs consequences or you are going to be looking at far worse than an exclusion.

Where would he go to learn if you withdraw him from the PRU and don't homeschool him?

Agree you talk as if it has "only" been 2 years. Yet he is year 8 now, was first excluded in year 6, presumably after a series of issues and warnings, prior to that would have been in lockdown. So at best since 2020, if not before.

Pru s do not want to keep kids there
They want to get kids baCk on track and back to mainstream school
Ask them
What does he need to do to get back into mainstream school?

He should alreadyhave individual behaviour plan ?
Does your son understand why he needs to go to school and study?
If he is not "doing this on purpose" then why is he doing it?

@cestlavielife

I will ask those questions tomorrow, I personally don’t think my son will be able to attend a mainstream school again.

Yes he does have an individual behavioural plan, he has a daily report card too.

Yes he does understand he needs to go to school and study.

I think he is misbehaving at school because he doesn’t want to be there, he has asked can he just stay at hone with me.

He has gone up to bed, hopefully tomorrow will be a good day for him.

Hope isn't going to fix this.
You need to make it very clear to him that he needs to follow the rules.
You need to back the school.
Stop wishing and hoping and start supporting rather than undermining.

What do you believe your fictitious son will do once he leaves school, if he even gets that far? What hopes do you have for him? How do you make sure he achieves those hopes?

I want my son to do his best at school, so in order to make sure he gets enough sleep to enable him to do that, I enforce a bed time. It is the same time every school night, and whilst he would love to stay up late, I know that what is best for him is consistent sleep.

I'm not trying to be his mate, I'm his parent.

What do you do to make sure your 'son' is the best he can be? Because from the outside looking it it's a big fat nothing. Parents that give their kids boundaries, so they turn out normal, are a million times better at parenting than those like you who don't.

Good days will not just happen - it requires positive input from him

he needs to make an effort to behave decently each and every day.

he doesn’t want to be in the PRU - but he doesn’t have a choice until he can show he can behave properly. He has to school. He isn’t special. He is a kid who has a lot to learn.

and this doesn’t just apply to school. There are bigger, moral issues here. He needs to start behaving like a decent human being. That is the very least to expect from anybody.

Stop this access to silly amounts of money. He is a
ready trying to bribe boys to be friends with him. What is next? It doesn’t bear thinking about.

stop pandering to him. Life is hard. Nobody gets everything they want. Start saying no. And stick to it.

@LIZS

He was privately educated so as you can imagine private schools pretty much zero tolerance, when he comes to certain things.

I attended a meeting and he was given one warning, I was never offered any help and support, which I didn’t expect anyway.

I completely understood, school fees were just over 21k per annum and to be honest I wouldn’t have wanted my child to study around a child who was acting out like my son.

Yes, I can admit that his behaviour was out of hand whilst in paid education, but I was hoping that a state school would offer me some support.

Were any of the three he was expelled from state schools? Did you ask for help or just think it would be volunteered? PRU is not usually an indefinite solution. You need to be firm with him that staying home is not an option, now or in future.

@LIZS

Yes, the last one was, I didn’t ask for any help, to be honest it wasn’t really a good school anyway, hence why they had lots of place. They found him the PRU.