Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

@MumsyMalone i definitely don’t think this is real now. No way is anyone this blind and clueless in real life. She keeps coming back with more outrageous responses. 😴

@PaigeMatthews

I don’t work anymore, I did work but had to leave due to my own mental health, the whole situation with my sons father put me in a bad place.

I do not “live” of my sons father or friends money, I have my own money. I used to have a very good job, I do not have to worry about rent as the house we live in was left to me by a relative as well as a few other things.

I can afford to treat my son to some toys now and again, and I don’t mind doing so because they are going to help him mentally.

The link between your sons bad behaviour and you rewarding him (days out and lego) is one you need to break. This coupled with you thinking he’s been unfairly treated and excusing his behaviour means it is going to be extremely hard for him to turn his behaviour round and not end up like his father.
I really don’t understand how you can’t see that

I don't honestly believe that OP is quite as obtuse as she would have us believe. Nor do I believe the downtrodden, defeated Mother rhetoric. There's more than a touch of game playing and obfuscation throughout her comments and responses.
I sounds as though Mother and Son would benefit from some individual and systemic family therapy.
There's an unhealthy dynamic between Mother and Son, the narrative of which is very carefully coordinated by the Mother. She has her son exactly where she wants him: socially isolated, dependent upon her for all validation within his unusually entitled, yet dysfunctional approach to life. Mum controls him with the incessant flow of money, rewards for and minimisation of his, frankly, outrageous conduct.
The incongruity between how Mummy describes him and how he actually presents himself away from her clutches speaks volumes.
Prime conditions for a burgeoning sociopath.
I sincerely hope outside agencies become involved and are able to minimise the damage done to this boy by two crappy parents.

My DD(15) is an angel. An absolute angel. She's kind polite to everyone.
She is 'controlled' by well dones and disapproving looks not hundreds of pounds worth of lego. She desperately wants the Home Alone house. We can afford it, but she's going to work for it. That's how life works. You want it, you work for it. It doesn't get handed to you on a plate.

You are doing you and your son a massive disservice.

Worth noting the odd behaviour of a child op swears wouldn't raise his voice to her or her partner at home, where he should feel safe, but is violent at school. Most healthy happy children behave worse at home than at school as they know they are loved and have leeway. Any bad behaviour is saved for home, that is normal to an extent.

Even if you live in a house that has been willed to you, houses need maintenance and there are living expenses. If you don’t work, you either have benefits or you have inherited a regular income. I really don’t think that benefits would give the amount of money your son seems to have access to.

How can you not be aware of £200 missing? Most people don’t have much, if any, cash in the house these days. Your son is provided for, you say, by his father and you buy him treats. I think most posters are having difficulty accepting that the ‘provision’ is from someone who is in prison, so not earning a salary which would provide for a family. You’re burying your head in the sand if you believe that what his father buys is legitimate.

You’ve spent several hundred pounds on something he has shown an interest in, despite not being interested in it since he was much younger.

You spoke of sending him to a private school before you decided against it. It seems as though there are sufficient funds to enable that, despite the fact that there is no income from work coming into the house.

He goes back to school tomorrow. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

@Boomboom22

Yes that’s what puzzles me, the bad behaviour only occurs when he is at school, as above he has never been rude or disrespectful to me, he does exactly what he is told, except for behaving at school.

I have spoken to him again this afternoon about his behaviour at school, he has now said he doesn’t even want to be there and is only going to make me “happy” and if he and a choice he wouldn’t go there, he also said he isn’t misbehaving on “purpose”.

You think that £200 a month is a reasonable amount to send a child to school with “just because”? That’s nuts. And to echo what others have said, he’s already a criminal, threats to kill are a crime. Just because he’s a minor and hasn’t been charged doesn’t detract from that. You are clearly deluded and lacking in any capacity to parent him effectively. It’s little wonder he behaves the way he does, he completely lacks boundaries, he doesn’t have a parent who is guiding him properly and both you and your ex seem to think it’s okay to find his lifestyle with illegally obtained money. Fuck that.

And your response was ?

Legally he has to go
That is what children under 18 do
He needs to find ways to cope and engage
He needs qualifications to lead a better life than his deadbeat father

Ir

If I had a choice I wouldn't go to work but unfortunately I am not blessed with independent means and a criminal fraternity network supporting my children. Plenty of kids don't want to go to school either, but they don't threaten to stab teachers, bully people or be violent towards them. I am actually stunned that you spent a small fortune treating your son, whose behaviour is beyond odious, right after a period of exclusion from school!

This whole set-up is utterly repulsive and morally reprehensible, apart from everything else.

If you really think @DrainedNFedUp the way you are portraying here then there's honestly something greatly amiss in your psyche, or being kinder, you have been seriously screwed over by your ex and his associates.

What’s odd about OP (apart from all the craziness already covered) is that she seems oblivious to the criticism of herself on here. Like she is in a dreamworld and not really talking about her own life , so if this is real, is she on drugs perhaps? It’s like she is not really present. Something seriously amiss . I feel sorry for the boy he is begging for boundaries but nothing in his life makes sense. Lies, rewards for bad behaviour, mystery money etc

'You'd like some lego? OK, let's wait and see how your first week back at school goes, it'll be something to look forward to. Why don't you have a look online over this weekend and see if you can find some pieces that you might like?'

I have worked with families with children who have challenges very similar to yours and also very closely with a PRU over the last 15 years. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I recognise you are trying to establish boundaries. Just a few things to think about.

1. having difficulties are a part of life. We cannot cushion children from everything as their resilience levels will never develop at the rate needed to get through functioning adulthood. So don’t be afraid of upsetting him- it’s okay and normal to go process a variety of emotions so they can truly appreciate good times.
2. Develop his interests that are skill based. The Lego is a great form and very therapeutic. Perhaps woodwork or gardening following this. Even if he is not interested it will give him a sense of achievement.
3. while working with him, get him to talk about how experiences made him feel. Pose questions about things that have happened to others and try and get hiM to empathise in the impact it has on others- talk about how it impacted you so you can do some informal emotion coaching with him. Small steps.
4. Speak to the PRU about the difficulties he has had and the triggers for his self destructive behaviour- ask for a support plan school and home can implant.
5. rather than withdrawing him, ask for a reduced timetable provision so he is not there full time. This can gradually be built up and coincide with the boundaries at home, efforts with developing practical skills and discussing challenging topics.
6. You sound very close to eachother and I know you want to protect this but tell him how his behaviour makes you feel as a parent. That he is making your job harder. Ask him to focus one one or two targets As the aim is to get him out of the Pru.
7. children who go to PRUs have a higher risk of offending than those who don’t unfortunately and you need to take tough measures now so he’s not one of those statistics.

🤞

Fantastically helpful post!
OP, do carefully take on board this advice.

@LIZS

He will be going to school, he needs to go to school. He is a very intelligent boy, the first 2 schools he attended were private. Very upset and disappointed that he couldn’t finish out private education, his father had very high hopes for him. Now it’s all been ruined due to his own actions!

@adriftinadenofvipers

Yes my ex has ruined my life, if he wasn’t for him I would still be at work and my son would be at school.

There were no behavioural problems before this, I hate my ex with passion.

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted)

Christ. He needs some serious psychological help and quite possible a stay in rehab. What have you done to help him understand his behaviour and its effect on others?

There were no behavioural problems before this, I hate my ex with passion.

Your ex is not causing this. You are enabling your son and facilitating his behaviour. So this one is on you.

Genuinely what do you want from this thread?

You don't seem to be listening to anyone giving advice.

Have you contacted either now or previously any of the charities which work with prison families, for both of you?

@Dishwashersaurous

I have taken advice, I am going to get therapy for my son and I.

And no I haven’t contacted any “charities” I would rather that kind of help go to families that can’t afford therapy.

It's not about therapy.

It's about talking to someone who has lived experience of being a prison family for both of you to understand the unique emotional and psychological angle of being a prison family.

Only an organisation with experience of that will know how to best help you

Jesus fucking christ! I'm just here for the deletion message because this is hold! 😂😂😂

Charities are often more specialist than you might find privately. You are more likely to access group support and mentoring that way. It is not about affordability but need. Have you been referred to camhs? I find it hard to believe he has got as far as a pru without being given any access to assessment and counselling, although that relies on him engaging and you influencing him to do so.

said he doesn’t even want to be there and is only going to make me “happy” and if he and a choice he wouldn’t go there, he also said he isn’t misbehaving on “purpose”.

he is going there because of his “misbehaving”

he doesn’t have a choice - that’s the only school that will take him. No decent private school is going to take him after he’s been expelled.