Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Why are you being so passive? Why are you still treating him and spending money on him? Whose money are you spending?

He said that he is going to try his best not to, but teachers and the kids there are annoying

Follow this up with ‘What should you do if you find someone annoying?

Walk away
deep breaths
find another activity
tell the teacher he’s getting cross
go for a run or walk
take a few mins out
listen to music

etc etc

He needs to know what he should do as much as what he shouldn’t

Yes large sums of money swapping hands, no lunch money and apparent impoverishment sound like a safeguarding issue which needs flagging to staff at PRU. Even if your ds is innocent something does not add up. And agree with pp that your ds being given presents and cash will suck him into unrealistic expectations, misguided loyalty and an undesirable lifestyle, which you can already see in how he is sharing it in order to buy friends.

@Whatisthisanyidea

Thank you, I’ll suggest these to him.

My son does not spend any time with his new friends after school, he hasn’t asked me to and I wouldn’t let him, because I don’t like the look or sound of them.

The absolute cheek of a mother of a child who assaults teachers, and threatens to stab them, not liking the look or sound of the other problem
children in the PRU.

So you’ve gone out and spent more money on more treats for him.

Stop the money flowing to your son from questionable sources, and stop the money flowing from your son to that boy who wants him to skip class, asap. I mean, stop it cold.

Immediately get him introduced to friendship groups outside of the school, centered around activities and interests that he will enjoy and are, I hate to say it, wholesome. He’s got to have good examples around him besides you. Boys his own age who are well behaved and with a strong ethical core. Do it now. Also an adult male role model (but be very careful to make a trustworthy choice, your boy is an easy target right now for abuse from predators). Your dp would be ideal, take him to sporting events, Pokémon etc. some kind of sport he can partipate in too would be great. I’d do 3 things,

1. Weekly fun building/game/group activity with boys same age like Lego etc and you can also spend time with him on this at home
2. Twice weekly athletic fun activity with dp perhaps or pickleball with you, something that he will look forward to doing, burn off energy, get his mind off bad things and onto good things.
3. Weekend going to movie with you and dp, family time that is a bit more structured so he has this to look forward to. Make friends with parents of kids too.

Tell him that he does still have a dad and that someday he may very well be able to talk with him and have a good relationship with in the future, it will depend on dad making changes and deciding to turn his life around. His dad is troubled, that doesn’t mean Ds has to be troubled, explain to him to look at the situation in a different light. Forgive his dad, move on with positive outlook.

The legos sound great, keep doing that. I think you are handling this better than you think. You’ve kept your relationship with him on solid ground. That will be the foundation to him moving forward.

Tbh I've re read this thread twice now, and I beg you get external help for your child, because I don't think you're mentally competent enough.

Tell your son that he can be a good example for his dad. That will give him purpose and hope and help resolve his feelings of helplessness and that awful feeling that he might be destined for same life as his dad. He’s got to know that he is not his dad, he can still love and care for his dad and accept him as he is and hope with time things will improve.

@MysteryBelle

Thank you 😊

Unfortunately he is no longer interested in hobbies, also he doesn’t like going on outings or anywhere in fact with my partner; he would never be rude to him, but I feel like he doesn’t like him and just tolerates him.

I know this is going off subject, I have been with my partner a while and we have both spoken about having a child again, I am craving for another child, but I can’t do it to my son.

Yes, Legos are great looking forward to building with him.

The fact he has 200 cash at,all is very odd
Most 13 year olds simply do not have access to that
Or they may know 200 is something to save towards. New xbox etc
Does he know the valuee of what you can buy for 10 20 200?
How long it takes to earn 200 as a delivery driver ? Or a buikder? Or trained doctor after x years med school ?
He seems to have zero idea and it is a chance for you to teach him what things cost
And how to earn money legitimately in future

To be honest, this is what I think too.

Your son is the child no one wants their kids to associate with. His behaviour is appalling.

@DrainedNFedUp in that case, maybe for now try to get him into Lego connected activities if there are any. The problem is, if he is not guided into wholesome structured activities soon, he will continue getting into trouble. Aimless and bored, time on his hands, he will fill his time one way or another.

You could reward him for good grades perhaps? That would be a positive incentive and might improve his behavior. Not money as a reward though, he has developed a distorted relationship with money that needs to be put right.

@cestlavielife

I don’t think he knows the value of money, but I am going to start teaching him. I spent a few hundred on Lego for him today, it was out of my own money NOT his fathers friends money.

So todays spend can be an example for him.

@MysteryBelle The only themed activities are going to Legoland, he has had the fast tracked VIP experienced a few times when he was younger; I don’t think he’d be interested in going again; and Legoland is VERY expensive.

If he has as much money and gifts as you say then no he will not appreciate its value. He has no role model showing how it is earned and budgeted, it just appears whether he behaves or not. This can change, does he do chores ?

@LIZS Yes he does; he keeps his room spotless and helps me out around the house. He has always been clean and tidy.

Yes legoland is very expensive. I was thinking of a weekly league for instance my son went to a Pokémon league every week where he made friends an$ really loved playing the game and there are tournaments, getting the cards and sleeves, he won pretty regularly; these leagues are held at the shops where they sell the cards. Anyway, that was what was behind my thinking. There are activities where you go each week, could be anything, bowling, didn’t know if there was a Lego-building one or not. My son was into legos for years too, now he draws a lot and has made money doing art for people with commissions. So important for kids to get interested in something and make it their own.

I’ve read the thread from the start - I don’t think you’ve taken anything on board from this thread. Going out and spending a few hundred pounds on Lego days after he has been excluded from school for terrible behaviour is just wrong!
Stop indulging him - set boundaries and expectations. And stop rewarding the bad behaviour.

Jesus wept.

He said that he is going to try his best not to, but teachers and the kids there are annoying.

I hope you pointed out to him that he's going to come across an awful lot of annoying people over the rest of his life, and that he is going to have to learn to cope with them without behaving so appallingly?

It could be worth looking into Lego therapy to help your son learn better communication and socialisation skills.

Christ on a bike. Bonkers!

Your 13 year old has £200 just lying around and gives it away - and you don’t even know?

that is awful.

surely you can see how dangerous and worrying that is?

you trot out and spend hundreds of pounds on Lego to basically reward him for terrible behaviour. Teaching him that he can do whatever he wants, no matter how bad.

that poor kid. He doesn’t stand a chance.

What do you do for a living, op? What does his uncle handing him constant streams of money for no reason do for a living?

Im wondering what jobs / careers he sees in the people around him.

OP doesnt work but claims she is 'independently wealthy'. The money comes from criminal activity. She has stated several times on this thread 'it is none of her business where the money comes from'. She demands only the best for her criminal son and couldnt care less where the money comes from.

She will end up being the reason he goes to prison, not his dad. I have never come across someone so determined to parent so badly and wilfully refuse to put in place any boundaries. I still hope it's made up, but MN seem to think she is legit...

I have read this whole thread in disbelief- your parenting is absolutely terrible. Letting your son see his dad when you know he is involved in criminal activity? Letting him continue to do so when he’s coming home with wads of cash from ‘uncles’? Spending hundreds on Lego when he threatened a teacher because she is ‘annoying’? Then saying you don’t want your son hanging out with the kids at school because they are the ‘bad’ ones? Your son is that kid, and has absolutely no role models it boundaries his life. If this is real, you have a very tough road ahead because so far you have failed your son.