Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

How could he get a job anyway? You think he'll get references that are suitable when / if he passes gcses?

I agree with you OP. Take your son out. Have some one to one time and some good conversations with him. Show him your support for him and your belief in him. Work out a plan with him about what you are going to do together as a team.

If he is going back to school (I think I read this in one of your posts), then he will need this sort of positive, supportive, unconditional love from his Mum. It will be tough for him, despite any front he puts on, to return to school, with all those questions from his peers and so on.

However, if you do cancel social services, keep their number at hand. Although everything could go really well, and your son could make some amazing steps forward, there could be an unexpected escalation in behaviour. Your son may need support to find one or two alternatives if this is the case.

My concern, and perhaps over-investment in this thread, is due to the fact that my son received the support he needed too late and too inconsistently. One poster said that children need the support when they are children because once they reach 18, services give up and society views them with much less empathy. I would say this happens at 16 rather than 18, yet, whatever the age, the window of time through which a life a life can be turned around most effectively is short.

It has also been suggested from one or two things you have posted, that your son may be experiencing some mental health issues. It was certainly MH issues that led to my son's behavioural problems. The fight, flight, freeze response often manifested itself as 'fight' if my son felt threatened. Therefore, make an appointment with your GP if possible, just to see if there may be underlying issues with mental health. Again, once your son is 16, you will not be able to make appointments for him without his permission.

I wish all the best for you and your son.

‘I bet your 13 year old sons would switch their lives for my sons life in a heartbeat, he is very lucky.’

Once again you’re equating money with happiness. My children have a moral compass, a present father and loving boundaries at home. Neither would want to swap lives with your son with violent tendencies, numerous exclusions including permanent ones, and a father in prison just to live off the proceeds of crime and have lots of money. Yes you sound like a loving Mum but you absolutely have to get a grip on reality if you don’t want to see your son with a criminal record. He’s been physically violent and he’s made threats to stab a member of staff, everyone else can see where he’s heading without some serious intervention. If you love your son you need to open your eyes and help him.

I agree with the poster here. Op, no child should want to change places with your son. Your son’s home life is difficult, lacks boundaries that will help him succeed and will have trauma.

your role as a parent is to prepare you child for being an adult. You're failing at that. And you do not seem to care.

He, my son is a 13 year old boy whom is going through a difficult time he is. He had a dad in prison and a mum who doesnt know how to be an effective parent. You recognise this. You need to do something.

his behaviour has been very unacceptable and I’m working towards fixing that; I’m also going to cancel the referral that I made to social services… I do not need social services to help me. I’ll tackle this and my son myself… I am taking my son out this morning, we will probably spend the whole day out

you do not know how to help your son and you are refusing help.

I’ll speak to him and tell him that his behaviour has been very unacceptable If he still thinks it’s ok to misbehave and be disrespectful in school, there will be consequences.
what consequences are you considering?

I say that as someone who has worked with numerous children who attend PRUs.

So do you believe that all 4 exclusions were justifiable?

Do you know how hard it is to exclude a child? Head teachers have to agree with the governor’s and the the education department. They have rules to follow and the law. It’s not down to one person.

Sometimes they have to be excluded to enable them to attend alternative provision.

So yes they are justified - he has interrupted the education of many children, it takes a long time for these things to be resolved and takes time away from learning.

Some of those children must have been terrified:

And giving money to make friends? Do you do that too?

It’s very concerning that he has literally tried to buy friendship.
and it’s very worrying that he has no friends.

why do you think this is?
what have you done to improve this situation?

Agree with all@KeHuyWinner has said here.

The discovery of who and what my father was and that he was in and out of prison for it, had a massive impact on my self worth and behavior. Those vicious comments from Baby El about genes etc are common, and I'd already absorbed them, with no idea they might have anything to do with me. But I'd already been on the receiving end of 'product of single parent family.'

My mothers behavior was different from what you're doing, but very confusing, and the similarity is she made the rules about what and who I should and shouldn't listen to or obey, but then did the opposite.

Suddenly societies message about my father went live in my brain. That was who and what (and all) I was. Offspring of scum, predestined to be more scum! This was why my mother was a single parent, not the story of why she'd left because of x,y,z. This was why school was so tough for me and no one wanted to be friends with me. This was why I was a failure. So much now made sense. I had no future worth striving for, I was just doomed trash.

I veered from beating myself up, to romanticizing him as a tough rebel who sailed his own ship and lived by his own rules. Thankfully my life wasn't being enhanced or funded by him, and I wasn't a boy, as the huge impact would have been even worse. Don't underestimate what everything's silently doing to your son's real sense of self worth.

You think your son's life is enviable and others would swap in a heartbeat. That's scary.
Your poor son is in a very unenviable and sad situation where he has few ways of building balanced 'solid' male pride, and is acting out his distress in dysfunctional damaging and rebellious ways, enabled and rewarded by the mum who clearly loves him. No amount of material goods or spoiling him, can make up for whats going on.

(BTW, if my mother had plans to change things I never knew, she unexpectedly died, and I drifted off poorly raised and prepared, at 12 going on 13 to be predated.)

You love him, please get all the help you can, while you still have a chance of changing things, and before he hits the juvenile justice system and is further marked.

I think OP and her son are a totally lost cause (I'm still hoping this thread is a wind up to be honest).
How can anyone be naive enough to think other people's teenagers would want his life, just because they live off his criminal fathers ill gotten gains....
I feel sorry for the first person this boy has a relationship with that says no to him, can't see that going down well after mummy has told him he is a little prince all his life.
I guess he has less that 5 years before he lives next door to dad and mum is speaking to him through a screen.

My son has ADHD and I can imagine him behaving like this at 13. Difficulty regulating emotions and acting impulsively.

Well all of your posts were disturbing. But your latest one confirms (if this isn’t a wind up thread) that you and your son are a lost cause.

Your son is not lucky. And your son is not happy.
My 13 year old son would not want to swap places with yours because my son has a good dad who is in his life every day, he has friends, he has hobbies & clubs he loves, he's doing well in school. He comes home from school with a smile on his face. Do you really think my son would swap all that for the life your son has?

My son doesn't have all the 'things' your son has but those things aren't making your son happy. And that's obvious because his actions are not those of a happy child, he cries when he has to come home from walks, he has no friends.

He's 13. It's not a certainty that your son will end up in prison but at the moment he's on that path. And as the only parent he has, it's your job to get him off it.

I honestly don’t think you have anything to laugh about. You are actually delusional. There’s not a child in the country who would have any desire to be your thuggish bullying son. Remember that all posters know about him are the facts you have shared here.

There’s no reasoning with you. God knows, so many posters have tried. I wonder if you will look back in the future and regret that you didn’t take a different path.

But hey take him out and treat him. Reward him for threatening to stab someone. Because that’s normal and he’s only a child. Indulge him with more illegally got dirty money never mind the misery caused in the process because you don’t care. Make sure your criminal son enjoys a nice day out because he’s worth it. You can make some memories for when he is incarcerated. He is already a criminal whether you like it or not. Just hasn’t been charged yet. You are too, knowingly accepting the proceeds of crime. Maybe the law will catch up with you too one day.

You never really wanted help did you? You are so far down your particular rabbit hole that there’s no way back. Your family will continue in its destructive path not caring who gets hurt in the process, because you had one chance to break the cycle and you are obstinately, wilfully and defiantly failing to take it.

it beggars belief.

What is concerning is that a time will come when the money from your son's father will stop arriving and your son just won't be used to the concept that most people have to work for money. That's when he will be vulnerable to getting into crime, particularly if he doesn't sort himself out at school so that he can get some qualifications.

He will be fine. The little poppet will join his daddy in the family business. Will always have lovely things and never have to work a day in his life! Aren’t we all envious 🙄

Sadly I think there is a distinct possibility that he is already being drawn into the family business by the “family friend” who gives him money which he then shares with his less fortunate school mates. Something to think about if you are still reading OP.

It is the classic way poor kids are drawn into illegal activity, they see someone who has all the stuff that kids want, plus money to share. The next thing is they are told if they want money and stuff for themselves then all they have to do is a little favour or two for the person who is handing out the money. And we all know what happens next.

I also would love to think this thread is a wind up, and was hoping to be a EHE bashing thread. (As a positive home ed can be life changing, it's clear that it would potentially be disastrous to both the Op and Ds to go down this route, as things stand.)

But am not so sure it is all a wind up, and if it isn't then no parent who's looking for help, even if in denial and being overly defensive, and no child at 13 are automatic lost causes.

Yes they're on an established collision course with many unwanted and unpleasant life changing things, but it isn't too late to change that.

The Op's had a lot said to them, and their somewhat unusual responses have received a lot of very strong responses back trying to get through to them, some tough love, and some that are just plain nasty and vitriolic or scornful.

Knowing which is which when feeling attacked and highly defensive is hard.

Coming in with an approach of 'I don't like my Ds being at a PRU, and are they being fair' etc, and getting told their child absolutely should be there and their parenting and decisions are actually the way bigger issue helping drive his behavior, and others don't see the child's life the way they do and pity him, and the situation is more dire than they realise, is a hard thing to deal with.

If Op's genuine, it will take time to both recover from the onslaught and think about what everyone in many different ways are saying, and the unanimous opinion that she needs to urgently change the things she can change, for her sons sake.

DrainedNFedUp If you're determined your son should have the money from his father, direct it to a non access savings account, so your Ds isn't caught between the dissonance of taking dodgy funds and the lure of what it will buy. Teach him to earn his own money, value what he did to obtain it, and be proud of it. It's a basis for functional solid pride, (especially male) rather than dysfunctional hollow 'no one tells me what to do' 'entitled pride'.

Another couple of resources that both you and your son might find useful: www.youngminds.org.uk/

parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/mental-health/things-to-try-getting-help/free-parenting-support-from-a-professional

I'm with you Lucky. I diagnosed ADHD for many years and have several family members who are diagnosed with it.

I 100% know about the correlation between ADHD and antisocial behaviour and criminality. I've been involved in several research projects about that. But correlation does not equal causation and ADHD is not a disorder that is primarily associated with antisocial behaviour or crime.

I' m constantly irritated by the leap that many people make that any undesirable antisocial behaviour could be ADHD. That contributes to the stigma around the diagnosis and the erroneous assumption that its an explanation or an 'excuse' for socially unacceptable behaviour.

It is primarily a disorder of inattention. Someone primarily presenting with disruptive, oppositional, destructive, violent or aggressive behaviour should not be considered as potentially having ADHD unless there are also significant symptoms of inattention. Difficulties concentrating unless on a subject they really enjoy, being easily distracted, poor organisation, poor working memory, tendency to start tasks with enthusiasm then abandon them, poor timekeeping and concept of time, losing things, not listening when spoken to directly, difficulty following instructions of more than one step etc etc. Many other things. Hyperactive-impulsive symptoms aren't usually violent or antisocial. More commonly it's restlessness, being loud, being intrusive, talking over people, not being able to adhere to their own boundaries or the boundaries of others, blurting things out that are upsetting or offensive to others. On and on.

I work in youth justice and I very often receive queries about whether a young person may have ADHD and when I ask why the person referring thinks that? I hear things like "they're abusive, they won't go to school, they're violent, they keep offending" .

Not to say that any of those young people definitely do not ADHD and usually, an assessment Is recommended. But it's the thought processes behind the ADHD query idea based solely on negative behaviours that are problematic.

Thank you @KeHuyWinner and @LuckySantangelo35 from an adhd person with no criminal record. Not even a point on my driving licence.

I think @DrainedNFedUp you don't seem to have much idea of what teenagers are like if you think that any teen would swap places. All my teens and all those I know would have clubs and activities to attend on a Saturday whether that was sports or dance or drama or music lessons. Then they'd most likely meet up with friends, mooch round the shops into Costa or similar before home with plans for cinema or bowling or ice skating later on. It's not typical that they would spend a full day with their mum if I'm honest that tends to stop at the end of primary when they are getting more independent and their friends are who they want to be with.
Your son is missing out on so much and now he has a reputation of being trouble it will be more difficult for him to secure the friendships that would open those opportunities for him as his peers will be wary and their parents will discourage contact to keep their children out of trouble. No way would any teen or parent want to swap places with either of you.

I agree with you. My spidey senses began to tingle when I read about giving money to peers. Sure a 13 year old might lend a mate a quid if he was short on his dinner money. From now only he's 'only' getting a tenner a day??? What 13 year old gets that kind of money, especially as he's taken to and collected from school by his mother, and doesn't ever seem to go anywhere with friends (even he even has any?)

I've actually got to stop thinking about this because it gets more alarming every time I do.

I know I said I wouldn’t be posting to on here until I feel the need to, but I’m back again.

I am sorry if I come across rude earlier, I was just annoyed by the rudeness and assumptions from people here.

My son does not spend any time with his new friends after school, he hasn’t asked me to and I wouldn’t let him, because I don’t like the look or sound of them.

My son does not have any contact with his fathers friend, I know my child and he would never go behind my back in that kind of way.

We had a nice day out, he asked for some LEGO which is very usual because he hasn’t played with Lego for some years. He said he was watching some YouTube videos yesterday and it thinks it will take his mind of things, I hope it doesn’t turn into an addiction. I’ll build with him tomorrow, and gradually ask him questions.

I have asked him how he is feeling, he said that he sometimes feels sad not having a dad anymore but doesn’t want to speak to his dad again.

I told him that he will be going back to school on Monday and I need him to change his ways, stop fighting and being abusive to staff me members and students.

He said that he is going to try his best not to, but teachers and the kids there are annoying.

I asked him if he has given any of his friends money, he said there is ONE boy who is his friend. He never has any money to buy drinks or snacks or doesn’t have nice trainers and a few of the boys there make nasty comments. Also told me that his mum doesn’t have any money either and she’s rarely home, he then asked can he invite him over, I declined.

I asked him if he has given him anymore, he said that he gave him £200 a few weeks ago and buys him food everyday.

Same boy has asked my son to skip school with him, my son always says no (happy that he does)

I have told him that I’m not happy that he gave him that amount of money because it’s a-lot of money, I asked him if the boy asked for the money, my son said he didn’t ask for the money but he always asks him to buy him food at school, and that he thought if he gave him money then he would stop asking but he still does.

Is this something that I raise with the PRU? I don’t want my son to get into conflict with the boy because of this.

Yes you need to sit with pru staff.
Talk to them.
They can help you and him
Ask to be referred for therapy you on your own , him, and together.
Your son at 13 has 200 in cash on him to give away??
That is bonkers.
You realize that is not normal right?

@cestlavielife

Yes, the give away of such a large sum of money is very concerning. £10-20 I wouldn’t have minded; but £200 is very worrying, but then I think it may have thought it’s normal because when his father was out and he used to spend weekends and evenings with him, he always used to come back with a lot of notes given to him by his “uncles”

I will be getting my son some therapy soon.

I wouldn't call any child with a parent in prison lucky.

Lucky is a loving family teaching, supporting, encouraging, steering and correcting their child to be the best they can be.

Lucky is having friends you don't have to buy.