Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

So he's had no boundaries and he is rewarded for bad behaviour? You reap what you sow.

OP you sound exhausted and posting here shows you are really trying to do your best. I also have a very difficult child age 12, who has not been in school now for a few months and I can understand how overwhelmed you feel. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees I think and it’s hard to know which way to turn for the best.

I know you said he doesn’t have SEN, but his behaviour does sound very ADHD (I say this as a parent of an ADHD child and also I work with young people in a therapeutic setting, many of whom have ADHD). Maybe worth speaking to a GP.

You both need help. You have a son who has been failed by both of his parents. You admit that you do not discipline him even though his school behaviour is totally unacceptable and uncontrollable. He is good at home because he does what he wants, is bought what he wants, so why behave badly? This boy is on the way to a life of criminality. When his father comes out of prison you son may choose to live with him and become an apprentice.

No way should he be in a mainstream school. What parent would want him there with their children. It’s time for you to accept it’s your responsibility to parent him properly and take ALL the help offered. Stop minimising his awful behaviour - which is HIS choice - and stop blaming everyone else.

And where is his father getting money from when he is in prison? You made a poor choice of father for your son and now you want to blame everyone else for the problems you and he have obviously created.

Turn things around for your son before it’s too late. As his parent you owe him that - you have to accept responsibility and face facts.

Wow. Just wow. No wonder he's like this when you minimise his behaviour so much.

Must everything these days be labelled, or could it not just be bad behaviour due to his upbringing?

@Murdoch1949 the apprentice comment did make me laugh, you have no idea what you are speaking about, it’s obvious you “get off” on making weird assumptions.

he’s a criminal
he will be involved in county lines
he is buying drugs
he is lying that he is going to bed when really he is stuffing a pillow in his bed and climbing through the window <<< comment is so ridiculous and pathetic it’s laughable
he is evil… oh yeah sure he is

I don’t understand how grown adults feel comfortable about making mean comments towards a child. I bet your 13 year old sons would switch their lives for my sons life in a heartbeat, he is very lucky.

He, my son is a 13 year old boy whom is going through a difficult time, but people here are labelling him as a monster, yes I agree that his behaviour has been very unacceptable and I’m working towards fixing that; I’m also going to cancel the referral that I made to social services, I can’t believe I listened to some of the posters here, I do not need social services to help me. I’ll tackle this and my son myself, I’m not going to take away the time from social services when their are families who really need them and their support.

I am taking my son out this morning, we will probably spend the whole day out, I’ll speak to him and tell him that his behaviour has been very unacceptable and needs to change, probably over lunch this afternoon. If he still thinks it’s ok to misbehave and be disrespectful in school, there will be consequences.

I will update; if and when I decide the time is right, but until then you will not hear from me, I’m tired of the horrible comments.

Thanks to those who have been genuine, nice and offered support.

Your son is a criminal already. Threatening to kill someone is a crime.

Public urination is also a crime

Your son is ALREADY a criminal.

Why has it take you so long to decide to bring his behaviour under control?

You may find that the PRU ask for SS input and you can't cancel SS involvement as easily as you'd hope

Social services will likely become involved before long the way you are going anyway.

Nobody is using your post as an excuse to be be 'mean' to your poor little darling.

Wise up and stop enabling him.

Haha you are going to 'cancel' social services? Yeah good luck with that one. I am amazed you aren't already on their radar with his constant expulsions and criminal behaviour.

I can say with as much certainty as possible none of the posters on this thread would want their 13 year olds to live your sons life. Most of us have higher hopes for our kids than the criminal justice system..

Your son isn't 'lucky OP. You're equating having money to having a good life.

He's got a loving Mum yes, but one that lied to him for years about his Dad being in and out of prison. He has a Dad in prison for the next decade who he's not had any contact with for 2 years. Do you know what one of the biggest predictors for an individual ending up in prison is? Having a parent in prison. It's also one of the 10 adverse childhood experiences that significantly increase risk of poor physical and mental health. Another ACE is losing a parent to death, divorce or abandonment so he ticks another box there as he has lost his Dad to prison after being promised that for his sake, his Dad would not go to prison again. The money is nice I'm sure but no replacement for a parental relationship.

He's not getting an adequate education because he's been excluded so many times. He's a troubled and by the sounds of it, unhappy boy who needs boundaries and direction and it is your job to do that.

You need outside help to help you help him because you clearly have no idea what you're doing. Not having any discipline or boundaries and not getting him appropriate help is neglect OP. Some people have been really harsh and out of order with some of the things they've said about your DS but you are failing him as a parent. I think you have the best of intentions but you are out of your depth and need help.

Dear lord, what have I read from the OP?

This is surely a wind up! No parents would treat their child like this after such horrific behaviour. I just can’t imagine it.

If the OP is being honest then I suggest social services, counselling for everyone and parenting classes. However, I also think the damage has been done and the son’s future looks pretty unpleasant.

Op this is what you say led to your son being sent to the PRU

attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

Those are all criminal offences

If I am honest; I am not doing anything, when he misbehaves and is excluded from school I’ll just take him on a day out somewhere nice. I tell him it’s ok.

I dont discipline him.

These both really are a big problem. But I think you've addressed that reading through the comments.

Has he ever been assessed for ADHD?

And yes definitely get him some counselling, and maybe some for you too! x

@Biggiee

what is there that op has said that indicates ADHD?

Your son is already a criminal. Good luck with the future. Maybe he’ll send Mummy money from his cell like his Dad.

OP I’m not going to have a go but I do echo the others who are saying you need to address this now.

You son is angry and confused and acting out. This makes him really vulnerable. Imagine in 3 years time he has no qualifications and feels like he has no prospects. Where will he be then?

The county lines don’t prey on terrible or bad kids they prey on vulnerable kids they can manipulate. These kids are groomed into a life of crime. I know you think it’s crazy to imagine this happening at his age but younger kids than him are groomed. These gangs are awful.

I am not saying this is happening but I feel like you really need more support. I think asking social services for help is a good idea and looking at counselling maybe for both of you.

I am sure it feels overwhelming but your son really needs you to be his parent right now not his cheerleader. You can still unconditionally love him whilst putting boundaries in place. Work with the school because he will benefit from this even though it will be tough at first. He is your son and he is worth the effort.

This. In addition, there are organisations specifically working with families of prisoners. It sounds like you both need some help.

This page gives a list of organisations that may help www.prisonersfamilies.org/useful-links

I bet your 13 year old sons would switch their lives for my sons life in a heartbeat, he is very lucky

don’t kid yourself.

who would want to be expelled from primary, in a PRU and have no pals?

thats not a lucky teenager - it’s one with major issues.

I have only read the first few posts but Is anyone going to mention the teachers in this? The ones who your son has used as his punchbags? It’s outrageous the way in your first posts OP you just talk about this as if it’s nothing

I bet your 13 year old sons would switch their lives for my sons life in a heartbeat, he is very lucky.

I find it sad and revealing that you think that a 13 year old with a father in prison until his son is in his 20s, being expelled repeatedly for criminal behaviour, will likely need therapy, is "very lucky".

I asked op if she had encouraged her son to think about how the pupils feel when they are bullied, attacked and have their education disrupted and the affect on the
teacher of being violently attacked and on the TA who he threatened to kill with a knife. She wrote that she hadn't as she wasn't sure what to say.
I think he gets rewarded with trips out and money splashed each time instead. 🙄

What money do you yourself live on op if you're now off work because of your mental health?

Your child is already a criminal and def has a huge safeguarding file that will follow him. It is highly likely he will continue down this path as you do not care, fund his life through criminal funds so technically you are also a criminal and could be charged as such.

You are not parenting him at all. Social services really really do need to be involved and I'd expect his school to involve them. How can you be so clueless?