Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

You say your son won’t grow up to be a criminal - he is already committing criminal offences. Assault? Aggravated assault? Threatening assault with a deadly weapon? Wake up!

I am not saying your child is running a county lines, or loan sharking, but I am pointing out that his behaviour is not how most 13 year olds behave. He has already made some bad decisions in his short life ( sadly aided and abetted by you) , he is in contact with people with dubious histories who give him money without accountability or requiring him to “earn” it , and who no doubt tell him stories about his dad that make him out to be a bit of a Jack the lad not the career criminal he is. It is easy for kids to be seduced by the thought of easy money, especially if they are not being shown good role models , or taught to value hard work and effort.

No boundaries and lots of cash. He's living the teenage dream OP.

@DrainedNFedUp

“Please stop trying to make me feel guilty, my son is used to having the best of everything which has always been provided for via his father, I’m not going to take away something that my son is used to, it will damage him even more.”

is it wise for him to get used to having the best that money can buy all the time though? Surely it would be best for him not to, as it would help him realise that he needs to knuckle down at school in order to be able to get a good enough job to buy nice things? It’s good for kids to know that expensive things don’t just grow on trees and that they actually need to just conform and work hard to be able to afford them

If I was not thinking it already, this post confirms to me that there is absolutely no hope for your son. He already has a useless criminal father and he has a mother that minimises truly shocking behaviour and is also teaching him that crime pays.

Your son has a few more years of freedom, that’s all.

@DrainedNFedUp - people are not making out that things are worse than they actually are! It is really, really serious. You keep minimising his behaviour and making excuses for him. You are never going to be able to help him unless you accept that this isn't normal. You need to drop the blinkers and let the scales fall from your eyes. Your son's behaviour is atrocious, utterly unacceptable. You aren't taking steps to fix it while you aren't seeing him for what he really is.

Having access to seemingly unlimited amounts of money is frankly disturbing. He can buy drugs and alcohol. Before long (if it's not happening already) the money won't be sufficient and he will want more and more, and he will find ways of making that happen, none of them legal. In your shoes, I'd be worried sick about him giving money to other children and I would want to know what it was for. I don't believe for one second it's altruism. Please remember where he is - in a unit surrounded by other troubled teens with dreadful behaviour, a lot of them exercising bad influence over each other. You are already swimming against the tide.

Please for both your sakes, stop saying, "my son wouldn't", because he will and he has. I agree with the poster above, and had already said it upthread, I am concerned about how he will react to you if/when you finally do exercise some control over him. I am sure it won't be pretty. You HAVE to take action before this escalates out of your control completely and that's not far off happening.

How do you know what he knows about county lines/drugs/whatever? Do you think he would be stupid enough to tell you about that if he did? He has the wool pulled fair and square over your eyes, much like his father did before him, and you have learned nothing from that.

Posters are not saying these things about your son because we want to be horrible and upset you. This is a rare thread where I think people are coming from a place of concern. You are clearly vulnerable, and I think it will break you if your son goes any further off the rails. He's bad news. Only you have the power to potentially turn this around, if it's not too late already.

You need to get help to give help, and I hope as you're saying you truly have reached out. Don't fool yourself though - the situation with your boy is not going to end well if you keep enabling and allowed that boil on the arse of mankind to fund him.

Does the school know about him handing money over to other children? He may very well be bribing them for some reason (not to make friends, come on) - could be be buying drugs? Again think about his environment - he isn't surrounded by well-behaved kids who get consequences if they answer a teacher back. You need to question; you need to be suspicious, and you need to stop thinking the best of him.

To set it in context, in my world and the majority of other people's worlds, a temporary exclusion from school for a couple of days, is a big deal. I don't know what has happened in your life to set your standards so low for yourself and your child, but you have to accept he's not kind and generous, he's not polite! He's a vicious bully who butters you up to get his own way, and you can't see it.

People here are investing time to try to get you to see what is staring you in the face. This situation has disaster written all over it. For starters, it's completely remiss of any parents to let their kids go to school with large sums of money, and that's only the tip of the iceberg.

What do you want out of life for your boy? Education, opportunity, decent job, happy life? He is absolutely not going to have those things if you don't clip his wings right now.

@adriftinadenofvipers I don’t know for sure whether he giving money to friends at the PRU, I’ll have to think of a way to ask him whether he is or not.

No he couldn’t be buying drugs, he is 13 years of age. He knows that drugs and smoking is bad, so i can 100% hand on heart say he isn’t, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind.

I want him to get a good education, when he was kicked from primary school, I was thinking about transferring him to a private school, I’m glad I didn’t, but I know he isn’t going to get a good education at the PRU… I’ll think of something!

No he couldn’t be buying drugs, he is 13 years of age. He knows that drugs and smoking is bad, so i can 100% hand on heart say he isn’t, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind

Dear Lord, you really are totally blinkered! Do you really think people on drugs didn’t know they are bad for you?

No he couldn’t be buying drugs, he is 13 years of age. He knows that drugs and smoking is bad, so i can 100% hand on heart say he isn’t, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind.

I'm hoping you're on the wind up here. He knows that drugs and smoking are bad, but doesn't know that death threats and assault are bad? You've got to be kidding me.

Can I ask what is your reasoning behind taking him out when he has been excluded? Forgetting that the paperwork you will have been given will state that he is not to be out in public during school hours.
For me and every other parent I know if our children had been excluded we would be mortified, ashamed and bloody angry. We would be discussing this at length and issuing consequences not because we don't want our children to be happy but because they have done wrong and they need to feel the consequences of what they have done to hopefully learn from it and deter them from doing it again.
What makes you think he's been excluded so I will take him out for the day or on a shopping trip? Don't you see that being excluded is a big deal? It's the most serious consequence a school so why would you reward him with a trip out?

Of course he could be buying drugs - don't be so naive!! And don't ask him, ask the school, because you can't believe the best word he'd swear to you. The thought should have crossed your mind. There is something sinister about handing over sums of money to fellow pupils and you need to find out what is going on. You'll just get "mummy I love you, I am so sweet and innocent, I would never do that" and you will say, "I love you too, darling, I'm sorry, I didn't ever think you would, I shouldn't have asked you that".

@adriftinadenofvipers

This is the last time I’m going to address this subject, I told you that in his previous school he was giving people money because they didn’t have any and also to make friends (so they’d like him) I told him that he shouldn’t be giving people money in order for them to like him, but it’s always ok to give people money, if they are short or can’t afford to buy lunch etc.

I didn’t say that he was doing the same at this school, I said if that he’d be willing to give someone money if they didn’t have any, and would buy them food; my son is generous, he likes to help people, he has always been like this, even due to his change in behaviour.

I just don’t understand why you think he’d be buying drugs with the money, but let’s not get into that because I think it’s ridiculous to assume.

I am going to find a way to ask him, and if he says he is/has. I will make sure he is only carrying £10 a day with him, as that’s not enough money for him to be giving/buying his friends.

You're scared of him OP. Maybe not physically yet, but you sound scared of losing his love. You say you're on edge all the time, can't cope, don't discipline him, don't punish him, don't want to upset him, don't want to take things away from him. He doesn't have to talk to you about his behaviour because he tells you he doesn't want to and you back off because you don't want to upset him. You say your life wouldn't be worth living without him.

You're enmeshed with him in a way that is not good for either of you. You need some psychological help and parenting classes. Of course he's the centre of your universe but he needs to know that he is not the centre of THE universe. Sounds like you've got no family or friends and a partner that your DS wants nothing to do with.

The best way to love him is to actually parent him. Which means you're going to have to be the bad guy sometimes. Not the Mum that excuses everything he does, blames his problems on his Dad and rewards his terrible behaviour. Children need boundaries to feel safe and secure. Experiencing negative consequences from negative behaviour is how children learn what is acceptable or not.

His Dad clearly got away with a lot of criminal behaviour for years. No negative consequences but the incentive of tonnes of cash meant he did more and more and eventually it caught up with him and he's banged up for over a decade. As you don’t want to stop your son receiving cash from him, you should write to him and ask he stops sending a friend round with undisclosed sums of cash and expensive presents and arranges for 'child support' to go directly to you and you then give DS pocket money per week so he can learn to budget and he gets days out and presents as rewards for good behaviour.

@hiredandsqueak If I am honest; I don’t have any reasoning behind it, just thought that it would be nice for us to get out of the house and spend the day together.

He is usually tired after school, will sleep in the car if we are not doing anything after school, usually takes a nap when we get home. Dinner, bath and then sleeps fairly early. It’s 8.30pm now and he is already in bed asleep.

But don't you think "he's been excluded, I'm angry, embarrassed, he needs to do better"? What happened when you were your son's age and you behaved badly? Were you grounded, had pocket money stopped, extra chores etc? What was your upbringing like? I wonder why your need for your son to be happy stops you from feeling able to put in any boundaries.

Asleep and constantly tired? Either he has something physically wrong with him (poss drug related) or he's shoved a pillow under his duvet, told you he's tired and has scarpered out the window for the night.

I'm beginning to think OP is in the windup now because even the most forgiving of parents aren't as naive as Op is pretending to be. So, I'm out.

@titchy stop being so pathetic now; I did not say that he is constantly tired, please read again then you will see how pathetic you sound. I was simply replying to a comment.

I think posters here get a kick out of writing nonsense.

I am glad you are going!

That's the whole issue here. You think it's "ridiculous" to question or address any of his dreadful behaviour. He's a 'golden child' who can do no wrong in your eyes, not even when he gets permanently excluded several times including from primary (and that takes quite some doing), not when he's fighting, bullying (not so kind and generous there now are we), being disrespectful to teachers, violently attacking a teacher, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window, swearing at a young TA, absconding, pissing in public, threatening to attack a TA with a knife because he is a flight risk, and lying.

Now, that in any rational person's book is horrendous, violent and completely unacceptable behaviour. Not yours. I feel so sorry for the poor staff who have to handle your thug son's disgusting actions and you couldn't seem to give one flying fuck about them. You've no shame, no remorse, and no inclination to listen to anyone in authority because you are always on the side of your evil son.

People have tried - you have had so much support and good advice on this thread, but you never acknowledge the severity and gravity of this situation. I'm sure it's hard to read the comments about your son, but they're the truth, coming from your own words. It's staring you in the face, and still you defend him, enable and reward him. You refuse to be a responsible parent to him.

Good luck with him. I feel you are going to need it.

This is the most disturbing thread I've ever read here. You need to wake up to what's going on with your son and take decisive action before, as so many others have said, you find yourself in court watching him being taken down to prison.

Honestly I agree that this is actually terrifying that you are in denial about how bad this situation is, and how horrendous his situation is.

Even your suggestion of that he only needs only £10 a day for school shows how you aren't listening or understanding.

You need to ensure that he has no money, no.trips out, nothing until his behaviour improves.

£10 a day to take to school?

so he gets at least £50 a week.
at 13.
that’s a ridiculous amount for a teenager.

£10 a day?! Most kids that age I’ve taught get £10-15 a week! If they are lucky!

Only ten pounds a day, that is awful., that poor boy. No wonder he is so badly behaved 🤔Cool thread though, you definitely drew me in.

No he couldn’t be buying drugs, he is 13 years of age. He knows that drugs and smoking is bad, so i can 100% hand on heart say he isn’t, the thought hasn’t even crossed my mind.

He presumably knows that threatening and assaulting people are bad, it doesn't seem to stop him doing it, does it?

Marks and Spencer’s anyone?