Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

County Lines literally hang around outside PRUs to pick up vulnerable children. If my child was in a PRU i'd been walking them right in the door! Its a huge issue at my local PRU that staff can only do so much to stop.

You remind me of a mum whom I knew in childhood. She had 5 frankly feral children. They would literally be jumping all over the roof and bonnet of her car. We had a family business and my mother would lock doors because they had no boundaries whatsoever. The mum would say, mildly, "don't do that darling" and "darling" would ignore her like she wasn't there and carry right on.

I'm really struggling to understand your reasoning in terms of the financial support. This father is not a functioning member of society earning his way; he is a scumbag with no access to legitimate income. You think your son has an entitlement to the best money can buy. He really doesn't. And your ex is clearly in contact with this "friend" aka criminal associate, so that demonstrates that he has no intention either of mending his ways on release. You say you ended your relationship with him 9 years ago. You didn't. Do you have no morals, no conscience?

And lock all your sharp knives away.

@LIZS Yes, I take him and collect him. PRU is not near to us and he hasn’t asked to travel alone, I probably wouldn’t let him anyway, if he did want to travel to and from alone it would be a private licensed taxi.

Yes, he has met my new partner but he doesn’t have any interest in engaging with him, yes he respects him, my child wouldn’t never be rude.

@blumppump I used to work; but had to stop due to my mental health.

@adriftinadenofvipers Yes I ended the relationship, I was only civil to him for my sons sake.

He would never be rude, he just threatens to stab people. Rude is the least of your worries.

OP, are any other agencies involved with your son and family? I am asking this because we did have intervention/support for Children's Social Care, and one of the positive things that happened was they introduced my son to a young mechanic's workshop. My son had a fascination with cars, and even though he found the social aspect of the group difficult, he enjoyed the workshops. I know there are sometimes boxing academies and other positive alternative provisions that combine interests with education. My comment earlier about alternative education being abysmal, referred to the sparsity of opportunities for positive alternative education.

Thirteen is also a really critical age. I think if my son had received much more positive and proactive guidance at that age, he would be in a better place than he is in now. I think the positive feedback that you give your son is fantastic. He needs to know that his is valued and that he is loved. However, at 13, he will also need the safety of a few boundaries.

THIS. ^

OP, you make him out to be the wronged "poor little darling" who has been unfairly treated.
Kids don't get expelled for nothing, especially from primary school, and even more so in Year 6.
He's a kid with behavioural problems, in a specialist setting for kids with behavioural problems. He's not ended up there by accident.
Instead of "oh the school are so unfair", start accepting you've unfortunately got a young person who is going down the wrong path. What are YOU going to do about it?

If OP has asked social services for help, they should be able to refer. You're right there are some fantastic resources available, depending where OP lives.

OPs DS is already on a collision course with the justice system. But my experience of them is that as there is an understandable push to not criminalise children and offer alternative intervention; even what most people would consider to be serious offences are dealt with via out of court disposal and alternative intervention.

Which often don't seen to be negative consequences for the child. So a lot of children who do end up on a youth referral order (community sentence) already have years and/or many incidents of antisocial and criminal behaviour behind them. So the behaviour and lifestyle is already entrenched and a community order often does very little to address that as it's often too little too late and still not particularly negative consequences to many.

Custodial sentences are understandably the last resort and in my experience only happen in extremely serious offences like murder, aggravated GBH, persistent class A dealing while not complying with a community order for example. So you often have young people committing serious offences for years with no real negative consequences for them.

Then once they turn 18 and aren't legally children anymore, they're stunned that all that help and sympathy falls away and they're expected to take responsibility for their actions.

Which is why OP needs to act now.

I just don’t appreciate the fact that people are making out that things are worse than they actually are.

My son will not grow up to be a criminal, so please stop saying that.

I am taking steps to fix this.

He has violently attacked teachers . Students and teachers assistants and when he gets excluded you take him out for the day.
You're right he does t belong in a pru. He belongs in a juvenile detention centre which is certainly where he is going to end up.

Unfortunately OP you have no way of knowing this. Threatening to kill someone, which he’s already done, is a criminal offence. He is already committing criminal behaviour and he won’t always be able to get away with it, especially as he gets older. Denial of this fact won’t help him get back on the right path.

I work in a PRU.

The only reason your child has not "turned on you" is because you have never said no to him.

The school is trying to establish boundaries with him and he reacts with threats and defiance. This is a YOU problem.

He wouldn't be taken on school trips and do you know why? Because he is a flight risk and unpredictable when told no.

You need to be on the SAME PAGE as the school.

Putting boundaries in place helps children to learn. It helps them feel safe and understand their place in the world.

At the moment you are excusing his behaviour and ignoring school boundaries and rewarding your son.

I predict he will react in the same manner to you when you put these boundaries in place. He won't like them. And then you will understand what you have done.

Ask for support from school.

Explain the consequences.

It's okay to positively parent BUT do not excuse poor behaviour.

A 13 year old who doesn't like the word no becomes a man who thinks he is untouchable

@indecisivewoman81 Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it.

It’s nice to hear from someone who actually works in a PRU

So do you believe that all 4 exclusions were justifiable?

Bottom line he's out of order and bad behavior,

He already IS committing criminal offences. He just hasn't been reported to the police/charged yet.

This WILL change as he gets older. Violently attacking teachers and threatening to kill them might be brushed off by the victims when it's a small 13 year old. It will not when he's a bigger, older teen.

Op

Absconding from a school trip is a real safeguarding issue so yes justifiable.

Swearing at a TA and being aggressive; yes

Jumping out of a window and peeing: yes

Threatening to stab someone; I'm surprised this hasn't been made a permanent.

I am surprised that the PRU refused him a toilet break. BUT his reaction is what led to the exclusion.

Rules are rules. And right now your don seems to think they don't apply to him.

Bloody hell OP, after the hundreds of comments highlighting where the REAL issues are you are STILL fixated on whether the incidents justified exclusion. They may possibly not have been on their own (though it's likely they were) - but as a pattern there is no doubt they were.

my child wouldn’t never be rude

Threatening to stab someone isn't what I'd call polite.

My son will not grow up to be a criminal, so please stop saying that.

Making death threats can be classed as a criminal offence. He's already doing things that could have him classed as a criminal. Stop minimising and help your son.

@Chocadore Ok sorry, I also researched on getting us some therapy today also. So hopefully that will be a great help too.

OP, I'm sorry actually as didn't intend to be so harsh. I can see you're struggling and I do wish you and your son well. But I feel that until you start acknowledging some of the deeper issues you're just going to be deflecting from where the root causes are.

My son will not grow up to be a criminal, so please stop saying that.

Your son is already a criminal, just not a convicted one. Assaulting people, and threatening to stab them are criminal offences. You need to intervene now, because once past a certain age, he WILL be convicted and punished accordingly. And no doubt you’ll be thinking the prison sentence is unfair, like you felt about the exclusions.

I cannot understand why you still think they werent.

Isn’t giving money to people who haven’t got any money how loan sharks operate? And how county lines organisers get kids involved ? Sounds like your son is dipping his toe in interesting waters.

And if he has enough money to spread around then you need to ask yourself whether a 13 year old really needs to be holding so much cash.

@viques

I am sorry? how can you compare a 13 year old giving children his own age money, to a loan shark?

It was completely innocent, he was giving them money because they didn’t have some and also to make friends with them.

My child doesn’t know anything about county lines, so please stop being so ridiculous.

This hasn’t happened at his current school (well not that I know or) although he does take money to school, not sure how much but I know that if his friends didn’t have money; he would give them some or he’d offer to buy them something to eat, that’s how my son is, even when we go out he’ll offer to pay for things.

A 13 year old who doesn't like the word no becomes a man who thinks he is untouchable

This exactly!!! OP, what happens the first time a woman says no to him and he blows his top because he's not used to being told no!

I completely understand that primal instinct to defend your son, because some people have really gone in on him here, and you know what he's like but he's your son and you love him more than anything, but there needs to be real changes in the way you parent him. Someone uothread made a point that you need to work on your son's long term happiness and mental health, and not in the here and now - you think you're helping him, but you're not, you're hindering his adult life.

It might be worth you accessing therapy before your son, as it will be tough for you if you ever decide to put some boundaries down, your son will react and you need to be strong enough to hold you own, but still love and support your son the way he needs.