Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Sorry OP, you asked for advice, which is what you've got, from loads of different helpful perspectives of lots of people who's children are not threatening authorities with violence.
If you don't like what you're hearing, why ask?
Were you expecting sympathy and no help?? We're assuming you're looking for ways to stop him getting worse - maybe what you wanted was poor you, your son sounds adorable??

@Saisong lock down and isolation was in 2020 my son finished primary school (aged 11) year July 2021 in which he was permanently excluded beginning of June.

One thing that stands out to me is you say all that matters is your son's happiness, you try to keep him happy, his happiness is so important to you etc, but you don't seem to understand that by neglecting to parent your son in any sort of way you're actively enabling him to cause other people to become incredibly unhappy.

His violence, death threats and awful behaviour have negatively impacted the happiness of many other people, many other parents' children, but their happiness does not matter at all to you?

You have justified or excused his behaviour, you reward him for getting excluded by taking him on days out, he has no consequences for his actions and as a result he feels he can cause as much harm and distress to other people as he's doing nothing wrong. You've never given him meaningful consequences for his actions and instead minimise his behaviour, but eventually it'll get to the point where it's out of your hands.

THE CRUX OF THE ISSUE is that It's increasing likely in the near future, he will be stood in front of a judge and jury who won't see your little darling the way others do. His actions, whatever they may be which will have landed him with his own trial, will be read aloud in black and white for a group of 12 individuals to decide on and nothing will be rose-tinted or sugar coated. While threats to kill might not be that alarming to you, other people won't feel the same way. They won't feel sympathy for your son terrorising other people. They'll imagine themselves receiving the threats, or their own children, and how they'd feel. If you do not change your approach towards your son and his behaviour, it will be taken out of your hands by people who care much less about his happiness and more about responsibility for his actions towards others than you do.

He is has always been kind and generous, and still is
Bullshit, is isn't feeling kind and generous when he's threatening to stab someone is he?
If this is even real it's the most fucked up thread I've ever seen on here.
Enjoy visiting your son in prison in the next few years OP. Don't worry though, I'm sure he'll have plenty of money to send to his dear old mummy.

It sounds as if your teen has never been given any boundaries.

it’s not surprising he consistently indulges in antisocial behaviour.

unless you start to actively parent him, his future looks very, very bleak.

if you really want the best for your son, you need to step up. You don’t reward bad behaviour, you discuss why his behaviour is unacceptable and then you put in place a suitable sanction. Like loss of phone/tablet etc for a week. And he apologises each time, to the people his behaviour impacts.

he isn’t a little kid. He’s a teen, whose behaviour is awful. Do you want him to grow up into an adult who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone other than himself?

The young man who went to the same school as my son for a while was in the local paper the other week remanded and charged with attempted murder. His background was much like your son's a parent (probably both) involved in crime, a mother unable or unwilling to parent and too happy to make excuses. He was excluded multiple times but it was never his fault he was easily led, the others set him up, the teachers hated him, the rules were petty he should have been allowed to do what he wanted etc etc.
The comments under the article all said the same no surprise there it was on the cards since he was in school. The only surprise was that it actually took a few years and he didn't manage to kill the victim.
You are setting your son up to fail, you are setting your son up for a life of crime unless you get some real and sustained help with parenting and your son gets support from services himself and engages fully. You know that though don't you @DrainedNFedUp

Kind and generous 13 year olds behave themselves in school, they don't threaten or attack their teachers. Your son is a violent bully, I don't understand why you can't see that.

Your ex is not providing for your son. On the contrary, he is unable to provide for his son because his poor choices have landed him in prison. Presumably he has killed someone to get a 15 year minimum sentence. You should be cutting all ties and reporting his "friend" to the police, not accepting this money, unless you know that the money has been legally earned. Not knowing where the money is from isn't good enough. It certainly isn't your ex's money to give away.

The only chance for your son now is if you yourself accept that you are wrong and start to act in a law abiding way, as well as expecting the same from your son.

Your son needs boundaries.

So after your son threatens to stab someone, you take him on a nice day out, funded by the proceeds of crime?

Hmm yeah, I wonder where he gets the idea that behaving like that is acceptable.

What future do you want for your son? Because right now you're leading him down a path that may end up like his father's.

@WyfOfBathe My son knows his behaviour is not acceptable; I’ve told him several times.

My son is used to spending time outside of the house, even some days after school we don’t go home straight away; he likes to be outside of the house.

I will be setting boundaries, he is back at school on Monday.

If he misbehaves, it will be straight home from school, no trips to the shopping centre to buy anything and no nice day out on the weekend.

I am just going to repeat what multiple people are saying.

The single most important thing you should take from this thread is this.

You need to stop focusing on what your son wants, and him being happy in the now.

For his longer term life you need to start putting firm boundaries NOW.

It will be hard, it will be difficult, and it's going to test you more than never before.

But you must.

Start by not leaving the house at all when he's excluded.

Stop giving him access to money and nice things.

Make it clear that rewards and good stuff can only happen if he behaves

You've told him that it's not acceptable, but you're showing him that it is.

Is he aware he is risking his place at school? Does he care? After two expulsions he may not see any point in fitting in .

Unfortunately your son sounds like a product of his environment & tbh I wouldn’t like to teach a child like that. I think he is crying out for help. Maybe therapy would be good for him.

@LIZS yes he knows this, but seems to not care.

I am very upset because my child knows how to behave; he is only misbehaving because he knows he can.

No matter what you tell him, you're showing him that his behaviour is perfectly acceptable to you as he doesn't receive serious consequences as a result of his poor behaviour. He knows he can get away with it, that you'll accept his "reasons", that you'll take him on days out if he gets excluded and tell him to ignore the teachers trying to reprimand him at school. There is literally no reason why this child would think his behaviour is unacceptable to you when you're showing him that it is.

He doesn't care if it's unacceptable to the school/teachers/other students because he knows he has a Mum who will back him up, take his side, won't punish him, will accept his "excuses" for his violent behaviour and so he doesn't have to worry.

Your son is at great risk of his escalating behaviour landing him before a Judge and jury. The age of criminal responsibility in the UK is 10 and as his behaviour is escalating, it won't be long before he does something so serious he will end up arrested (although the crime of making threats to kill is already potentially enough to land him in jail, if he were to be prosecuted for it).

The Judge and jury won't see your son's behaviour in the same way you do. They'll not have the same sympathy or love for your son that you do. They'll look at his actions in black and white, they'll consider how they'd feel if it happened to them or their own children and make their decision based on fact. They won't give him the allowances and mitigation that you do and the consequences for him could be incredibly severe compared to what you need to implement at home as a consequence for his bad behaviour.

From your own OP, the following stand out:

"My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant"

"he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground"

"My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant"

Verbal abuse, urination in a place where other children go and threats to kill someone with a knife. How do you think the jury would look at these behaviours without all of the excuses and mitigation that you've cushioned them with? In black and white, these are abhorrent behaviours which indicate an escalation of his behaviour.

If you keep allowing him to get away with more and more, the escalation will continue, he will commit more and more criminal offenses and before long the outcome of his behaviour and the consequences he faces are out of your hands and in the hands of a Judge. A jail sentence will hit him like a lead balloon if a Judge hands out a serious sentence including jail for something he's done and if he's let off with a suspended sentence on the condition he doesn't do anything else in a time period.....well he's been taught to ignore authority and do whatever he wants so the suspended sentence would be wasted.

This isn't me being mean or nasty to you, I really understand that you're struggling and want to make sure your son is happy but it is coming at a massive cost to his entire future. You need to be understand that you don't have much longer to reverse his behaviours before it becomes so serious that you no longer have a say in what happens to your son.

That is not setting boundaries.

the basic boundary is “behave yourself at school”

the consequence for not behaving is not that he doesn’t get a treat, but that something he enjoys is removed for a period of time.

what responsibilities does he have around the house?

does he
make his own bed
tidy up his room
put his laundry away
do the dishwasher etc?
Can he make basic meals on his own?

you want to be raising a teenager to become a responsible member of society, to live successfully on his own and to earn his own living. These are the things you must prepare him for. And behaving decently to others is necessary every single day, with no exceptions and no excuses.

It's just occurred to me, another indicator for his understanding that his behaviour is unacceptable is whether or not he's apologised, or offered an apology, either verbally or in writing, to anyone he's harmed? When I was young, if I did something wrong to someone I was made to apologise for my behaviour. In school, one boy in my class shouted abuse at a teacher and his mother marched him into school for a meeting with the teacher to make him apologise, face to face.
Has your son ever had to apologise to others for his behaviour towards them? If it's, understandably, not appropriate for your son to speak to these people in future who most likely don't want to be face to face with him again, has he at least offered to apologise? Have you suggested he writes a letter of genuine apology to the teacher he threatened to kill? Or one to the school in general for his abusive behaviours?

He only thinks he can misbehave because he knows there are no consequences. The school/PRU hand out their most serious consequence by excluding him for his behaviour and you take him out on a daytrip or out shopping instead. So the school/PRU which is the only place putting in boundaries for your child is constantly undermined by yourself. If he knows it's wrong and does it anyway then that is down to you not backing up the school/PRU because to him exclusion is just another day out having fun and being rewarded.

What also strikes me is that you accompany him to and from school. By 13 most kids could manage this and be relied upon to do so independently. Perhaps also hang out with friends at weekends. You clearly are uneasy and do not trust him, perhaps now with good reason. At some point he will not thank you for your permissive parenting and you may find yourself on the receiving end of his volatility. Does he know your new partner, respect them?

I believe you love your son and his happiness is the most important thing to you. I hope you are now realising that the way you have been parenting is not the best way to secure a happy future for him. You have confused securing a happy and stable future for him with ensuring he is never unhappy in the moment. Children (and adults) need boundaries, they feel more secure and learn how they will need to behave to get on in the world, a world where only one, maybe two people think their happiness is the most important thing in the world. Good parents sometimes say no, while making sure their children understand why; they back up schools and teachers when they impose consequences on bad behaviour. When you reinforce sanctions the school imposes, your son will be unhappy because he wants to be taken shopping, or have his usual access to tech - or whatever, but it is for his long term benefit. You seem very focussed on him being "a child" well he is, if a pretty old one, but for most of his life he will not be a child and you need to equip him for that. If he cannot follow any rules, even when boring or restrictive, he isn't going to cope with adult life.

It's great that you are going to seek help with parenting, I'm sure it will be really helpful, I suggest to try to inform yourself more about child development and adolescence too because your insistence on accepting your son's version of events is a bit unrealistic. Of course he wants to frame things as favourably as possible to you but on the balance of probability, your son wasn't only acting reactively and in the only way possible in all these situations. The idea that escaping out of a window to piss by the bins wasn't in any way an act of rebellion but simply the desperate act of a child about to wet himself is very naive. Accepting your child is sometimes flexible with the truth to deflect consequences or please you is not accepting that he is a wrong'un, it is accepting that he is entirely normal.

Children need to learn some resilience, self-discipline, impulse control and accountability. If he doesn't learn it from you, he will really struggle to adapt when his world includes people who are not his adoring and ever-forgiving mother.

You will need expert help because unfortunately you are addressing this late in childhood at a very tricky transition time; the onset of adolescence, and it is unrealistic to assume that your son will accept your change of direction cheerfully and you will struggle with that.

You are right to be very worried about your son. I would be terribly worried if were his aunt or granny. Do you have siblings and close friends with children? Is this part of your family culture? I'm surprised how out of touch you are with normal parenting.

Love is the most important thing but it isn't enough. Parenting is hard. I doubt any of us do a perfect job but you really have gone very off-track, albeit with the best of intentions.

Every time you accept his Dad’s money, you show your son crime is acceptable.

I worked in a school once with a child who struggled like your son. Very similar story - Dad behind bars on and off his whole life, Mum in deep denial. Gran was sensible but couldn’t get through to Mum - Gran used to say the child was a newspaper headline waiting to happen. Six years on, guess who we were reading about in the court reports in the local paper?

You are heading the same way. Snap out of it.

Stop accepting proceeds of crime, fund your own life and your child’s life; never mind all the days out and fancy clothing and gifts etc, he needs parenting! You say he’s used to the best of everything - he’s not got the best role models or parents has he? Give him talking, listening, a sleep routine, therapy, time in nature, physical activity, mentoring, positive male role models. All the things that have been suggested. As another poster has said, you’re not Violet Kray. Change things before it’s too bloody late.

Honestly. He's 13. He's been behaving badly for at least 2 years. And it's only occurring to you NOW that he needs consequences?

Do you work op?