Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

How did you respond after these episodes. Did you speak to him about how traumatic it would have been for the teacher to be violently attacked? Did you reward him with a trip out and money splashed on him?

The son isn't aggressive towards the OP because she minimises his behaviour, covers for him and enables him. He's got a cushy life at home where he's not challenged or parented. Why would he push back against that? It's only people who try to bring him into line at school who get death threats and violence.

I'd be worried about a knock on the door from the Proceeds of Crime squad bringing the gravy train from the ex to a screeching halt.

Honestly it would be better to not allow these "gifts" and set a firm boundary on contact which tells your ds that you do not condone his father's actions and do not want him heading the same way. In the end ex put a criminal lifestyle ahead of his family. Were you ever together? Do you not see the contradiction in him buying your ds' favour yet being unavailable and how damaging this is?

I am astonished therapy has not been suggested before.

You also need family therapy involving both you and your son together. I think you need to look at the dynamic between you and your son. Your world seems very small, and you are both the only real person in each other’s life. It’s pretty unhealthy for both of you.

There must be support groups for parents in your position. You need to join them and share experiences. You may even get a friend out of it.

Posting here is a good first step. Some posters speak sense and you need to have a look at boundaries and consequences.

A 13y old is very different to a 15, 17, 19y old and risks may escalate with time.

Well done for seeking help. It won’t be easy and you will have to acknowledge that neither you nor your son are perfect and need to change. You cannot defend him in every situation. That would be poor parenting. Good luck.

Something isn't right about this. If you are independently wealthy enough to not have to work, you can afford private therapy, you own property outright, then you do not need the proceeds of crime to buy things for your son. His self esteem is not going to be helped by your belief that accepting money from criminals is better than either you getting a job or him having slightly less expensive things.

It's fairly clear that you are leading your son to get his money from crime when he's older - you aren't supporting his education, he won't be able to get a job without any qualifications, he has unrealistic ideas about having the best of everything from the proceeds of crime, and his mother tells him that it's fine to get money illegally, it's fine to behave however he wants and everyone is out to get him.

Have you checked the letter about his exclusion? Doesn't it tell you that he mustn't go out during school hours?

I'm not sure how you can get SS involved and then not explain how your son is being provided with the luxuries, unless you hide it from them? Likely proceeds of crime. Saying how your son is being provided for is "none of my business" is astounding. Anything associated with your son IS your business.
Your son has likely figured this out as well, and quite possibly has already made up his mind that crime pays. Given all the comments and your replies, it doesn't sound that you do not see your responsibility in this situation for what it truly is. Enabling at best, and I would even go as far as saying colluding with a criminal when you don't care where the money comes from.

Unfortunately saying that it's none of your business wouldn't work if it turns out. - which, after all, is highly likely - that that money is the proceeds of crime.

Are you OK with the fact that your son could be having a nice time by using money that has been stolen from innocent victims?

It seems strange that someone is just handing over money. I hope they aren't being blackmailed.

I wasn’t trying to insult you,OP, by suggesting that your life is rather dissimilar to the majority of female led families in Britain. By ‘ordinary people’ I meant people like those in the overwhelming majority of posters in replying to you, who find your situation - and your reactions to it- extraordinary. The poster below has expressed this better than I :

“Honestly you need to make a life for yourself too, because notwithstanding how things work out with your son, in all too short a time he will be 18 and moving on with whatever he does - and you need to have a life, a job, a social life, whatever. If you can't confide in your DP - is he right for you?”

However ,I see that since I went to bed, things have moved on, and you have stated firmly that you will not disassociate yourself from your son’s father’s money, however that has been gained.

So it seem pretty hopeless to me. That world will always suck you down.

Maybe OP sees herself like the Krays mum, where her boys could do no wrong and looked after their mum. Either way, given she's still defending him and doesn't see the link between the gifts from his father and his behaviour, effectively condoning criminal behaviour, I suspect this kid'll be inside before too long, probably county lines to start with.

How did your son and you cope during covid? His first exclusion in primary school must have happened during covid lockdowns. Was he in school then, as places were limited?
Not sure how the train station story fits into covid either.

@ChestnutGrove No, because I don’t know how to approach such situations, he knows what he is doing is wrong.

@SnackSizeRaisin I am no longer speaking about money, thank you. No money has been stolen from anyone.

Just reread all your posts. The money from his Dad is a huge issue, I’d missed that he had enough disposable income at 13 to be giving money to multiple other children. Your response to the stabbing threats also seems disproportionately relaxed. You say you’ve taken him out somewhere nice, told him it’s ok but would prefer that he behaves etc. This is a child who has already been violent numerous times threatening to use a knife. If you don’t take some control and action he’ll be in prison before you know it. Protecting and defending him now will just contribute to the behaviour that has potential to land him in prison too. It’s one thing allowing your ex partner to provide basics but quite another sending the messaging to your son that he can be given extravagant gifts with money that is all proceeds from crime. It’s not always the case but many children in PRUs have parents who fall short in terms of boundary setting, discipline and taking responsibility for their child’s behaviour. Now is the time to act before he has a criminal record or causes serious damage to someone. You can still set boundaries with love and care.

OP, I think both you and your son need therapy, you've really been through the mill haven't you.

It seems from reading all your posts and your first post especially that you do try to protect your son and make alot of excuses for him, whilst i understand your need to protect him you have unfortunately done him no favors.

His behavior is unacceptable and chaotic, he chooses to behave like this as you stated at home and with you he is a lovely boy so it seems he knows the difference between right and wrong.

Taking him on days out when he has been excluded has meant you've rewarded him for this bad behavior.

He needs clear boundaries, its time for you to step down from being his friend and start to parent or else you will have him in prison soon.

I also think you will find that his behavior at home is great because you have never done anything to aggravate him, i assume hes never been grounded, devices removed or any sort of punishment, be prepared for him to switch into someone not so pleasant if you do this.

You owe it to him to change your ways, before its too late.

So you don’t care about the risk of being prosecuted. If you don’t follow rules I can see why DS thinks he doesn’t have to either.

Waiting for someone from SS to call me back, I could be waiting a few days as we are not of high risk.

Well there we have it in a nutshell. You are happy to accept to accept this filthy lucre. You know what, that makes you complicit in his criminality, and therefore just as bad.

Look forward to the day when he joins his father in the family ‘business’.

i had sympathy with you last night but you know what, you are a lost cause! You know damn well that money is profit on someone else’s misery but you think your little darling is ‘entitled’ nonetheless. That’s actually disgusting.

The money is from crime. Of course its stolen. How can anyone be so naive.

^^100%
I honestly cannot believe that you think it’s ok to rewards his appalling (and verging on criminal) behaviour OP.

@Dottyandbetty I am not too sure how much he was giving them or how many times, but he did say he was giving them money because they didn’t have any, he used that to make friends with them.

He is has always been kind and generous, and still is.

That money is from proceeds of crime.

That doesn't necessarily mean it's stolen. But it's from the proceeds of crime.

Doesn't that bother you?

She’s not naive. She’s complicit and unrepentant. Little lord Fontleroy has to have the best of everything and she doesn’t give a flying fuck who has to suffer for him to have it. Would love to know what the auld fella is in the clink for. It’s not an insignificant sentence… It’s pretty clear she’s a kept woman too. Wonder if the partner has any idea about the unsavoury setup he’s got himself mixed up with, or maybe he’s a gangster too.

@DrainedNFedUp I understand that you don't want to hear this, but the money means your son's father is exerting control over you.

I honestly wonder if you should look at doing something like the freedom programme. I don't think you see yourself as a victim, but you come across to me as someone who was/is controlled. Having your own boundaries in place will make it easier to establish them for your son.

For your DS' father to have been in prison from age 11 until he is in his mid twenties means this man has committed very serious crime. You need to get away from his influence.

Of course he is, he will get that from his da!

You need to wake up and smell the coffee before it’s too late, and a good start would be to stop accepting the proceeds of crime, and get a damn job to support your son like ordinary people do.