Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

@DrainedNFedUp I understand, for different reasons (health) I’m drained but can’t fall asleep.

Overall, you have had similar, albeit differently formulated advice. Just take it step by step. The PRU conversation is a good first step. Not being English, I don’t feel I can comment on the SS step, although in my home European country I guess I would be working for the equivalent, PP will be of better advice.
I would say just ask for a meeting with the PRU, they will hopefully be able to signpost you.
im sorry I can’t advise much, I don’t when it’s out of my jurisdiction, ie different countries, although mine of origin is very close.
Please try to rest and take care of yourself (easy to say I know, I just lie in bed awake until I finally drift off after hours, and can barely eat).
13 is still a good age, you can do this.
If it’s too emotionally heavy, you don’t have to update either, you can just leave the thread open for any eventual specific questions.
And please ignore the few insanely horrendous posts, I’m very sure 99.9% of PP would agree on this aspect, it’s just as everyone is busy and posts amongst a thousand other things, things tend to be said more bluntly, that’s the nature of a lot of forums.
Im going to be operated on soon so I don’t know if I’ll be back, but I’ll keep you in my prayers💚
Best wishes

I think you've missed BabyEl's point

@adriftinadenofvipers she certainly does; that’s why I gave her the little bit of attention was was craving for, sarcasm and rudeness is never a good combination, she’s obviously very upset in her life. To be honest with you I actually worry for her child(ren) thank you for calling out her pathetic behaviour.

@Backonmyfeet I plan to set boundaries.

@Backonmyfeet maybe, maybe the usual reaction would have been to report and not give the time of day ? OP herself seems to be in agreement she needs help, so maybe that could be a good focus

@Godlovesall26 Thanks for your prayers, I am religious as well; I will also pray for god to bless your family.

You’ve been very kind to me tonight, thank you so much. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for me.

Very best wishes - I am sure you will be back xx

Your not being a good parent rewarding him with days out when not allowed in school. You've not been a good parent lying about where his dad's been off and on. The poor bairn probably doesn't know who to trust between his 2 parents. Stop messing about before its to late. Actually be an adult, sit down, talk like you've never talked before, listen like you've never listened before and find out your sons true feelings and why he's turned this way. Do it before he really goes down that bad path to never come back from.

I instinctively react to injustice, and it's got me into trouble all my life - but I can't ignore it. C'est la vie.

I get the feeling from your posts that you have experienced a lot of tough times in your life, and I genuinely do hope you can find peace and love etc but please, for your sake and your son's sake, cut off any contact with the criminal element. I hear you when you say that you don't accept anything from him but it still chills my soul to think that you still accept his blood money in relation to your son.

I really do hope you can take the more positive advice and goodwill from this thread, and use it to move forward.

Honestly you need to make a life for yourself too, because notwithstanding how things work out with your son, in all too short a time he will be 18 and moving on with whatever he does - and you need to have a life, a job, a social life, whatever. If you can't confide in your DP - is he right for you?

I might have missed it - what did the principal (head?) say when you reported the inappropriate remarks the TA made about you?

Sounds like your son needs strict boundaries and consequences, unless he learns to be a responsible human being, the future does not look too healthy.
Shape up or lose out.
Is he identifying with his dad?

You’re encouraging and minimising his awful behaviour. Home schooling sounds like a highly irresponsible idea.

Assaulting teachers, so being excluded and taken on a nice day trip by you?! What are you thinking?!

Also...As teen years roll on, your son may well turn aggression and anger onto you, OP.
It happens!
The amount of women who live in fear of their older sons is worrying.
Take action now, before you become one of them.
Strict boundaries and absolutely no nonsense is needed.
Spoiling and indulging will make him worse.

Your son's behaviour is inexcusable. Thus, he has been exclided from reasonable schools.
Take your child to a doctor and ascertain whether he has a personality problem like ADD etc.
Also get referal to a counsellor, anger management course and see it out.
Consider:

Getting managable dog or cat
Joining son into an active hobby (bushwalking, scouts, swiming, cooking) where he will learn skills, communication and make friends of different ages.
Join him into a charity which matches boys to men mentors.
Join with your son in attending a fun church or group that spends some time in meditation and contemplation and promotes self positivity and giving to others less fortunate.

Remember to convey to your son that his behaviour is his responsibility and that he is causing you stress and bother and to please desist. If he can behave for you at home he should be able to be nice to others.

Oh dear 😂

Your son is going to end up in prison too unless you can teach him to respect authority. He obviously does not right now and it is really not helping him. You need to work with the teachers and not undermine them.

Sometimes life is unfair, but you do not get to wreck things or hurt people when it is. I think he needs help to process his emotions and useful strategies to deal with his anger. Is he involved with CAMHS? Can you afford private therapy?

He is a boy who needs help, but you are not helping by justifying his behaviour and colluding with him against the school. Perhaps it would also be useful for you to seek support for yourself?

Alas tomorrow won’t be a better day.

At 3 expulsions it’s likely too late for your son. His dad is a criminal and he’s heading the same way.

Just found this and thought of you. Raising Boys is a brilliant book that you should read.

Like others have said here though it's crucial you set boundaries and hold them. It's also crucial you support the PRU and stand firm with them towards your son. You didn't do this with mainstream school and his behaviour got worse. He needs to respect authority and know that you will take their word over his - you haven't done that before so it might take a while for him to understand this. My stepson went through a bad patch at school and we heard his complaints that teachers were singling him out etc - in a class of 30 teachers might not be 100% spot on every time but they are doing their best and you should support them.

Your son needs to learn to play by the rules of society - tantrums won't get him anywhere as an adult (except jail as you know) and you need to be embedding that in him asap. He's not learned that over the last 2 years so you need to change tack and hold the line.

At the moment he's learning he can manipulate people (women, you) to get what he wants eg the day out, and this is really not good.

Lastly I would seriously consider all the comments on here and not dismiss half as Karens- you've taught your son he doesn't have to listen to people if he doesn't agree with them, but society doesn't work like that we have to tolerate other views even those we disagree with. People are spending time to respond to you as you are clearly at a crisis point and you do need a bit of tough love/reality check as well as lots of support for your own emotions as it must be heartbreaking to watch your son's behaviour getting worse.

Read this from an expert anyway and good luck

Emotions are how we handle the world.

When little boys see or hear something terrible, which despite our best efforts, they sometimes will, they will need our support to feel. To sob, to weep, to shake, and have us stay close and be okay with that.
Grief is a part of getting used to living in a world which is both beautiful and terrible in equal parts. Some boys never have this chance, and their hearts harden in terrible ways.
If we can support them, and let them know that feelings are okay, then they grow with a very different kind of strength - to stay in the world with an open heart.
Steve Biddulph - Raising Boys

And sorry one last point - have you taught your son to consider other people in all of this?
I expect the 29 other children in his classes would've rightly been upset watching his behaviour and at the very least their learning would've been disrupted.
Have you said to him how hard it is to be a teacher, and that his behaviour, threats and violence would've been traumatic for those people doing an under appreciated tough job?
Again it's all about boundary setting and teaching him how to behave as part of society, not to see society/authorities/other people as problems that he can bully/threaten/punch to get his own way.
It's sad to say but I wonder how many violent prisoners idolise their (mollycoddling) mummies and hate the rest of the world? :/

@steff13 Nothing as there were no witnesses
@Snugglemonkey Yes I can afford private therapy, I wouldn’t even approach the NHS regarding this; I know waiting times are too long.

Thanks for the help and support.

I will make the self referral to SS today
I’ll research therapist in my area

I am also not going to keep my son in the house today, we will go for a long walk.

@Festivfrenzy To be honest with you, no I haven’t. He is at a PRU therefore the majority of the kids are like him or even worst.

I couldn’t agree more with this. The father is still exerting control over OP with his financial largesse.

This.

@Dinopawus I am going to have to disagree with you there, I haven’t never used his money for my own personal gain, I am not going to stop him providing for my son, it’s just not going to happen, I’m sorry!

The money comes from one of his close friends, where he gets it from? it’s none of my business, I don’t know, I don’t want to know and I don’t care.

Please stop trying to make me feel guilty, my son is used to having the best of everything which has always been provided for via his father, I’m not going to take away something that my son is used to, it will damage him even more.

The money given to me monthly is for my son to buy things, and go to places which makes him happy, it’s as simple as that, I do not want to speak further on this matter, thank you.

I think the pp meant when he was at the mainstream schools and bullied and attacked students and teachers, did you encourage him to think about how it made them and any kids who saw this fee?l. Or how this disrupted the education of other kids? It's important to encourage kids to think about how their actions affect others. Otherwise they can grow into adults who think only their feelings matter and they can behave how they like.

Proceeds of crime then.

Yikes.