Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

I know you think that you're doing right by your son by coddling him, unfortunately, you are putting him at a huge disadvantage, as he won't understand why he can't just do what he wants and get away with it. Your son is at huge risk of being a violent criminal - he needs boundaries ASAP. The staff he is threatening and assaulting could report him to the police. It's not them, they're doing their jobs, and you need to work with them instead of backing your son up every single time he does something terrible.

I must admit I was with @BCfan at first, and I questioned whether or not you were a genuine poster, because some of your responses are so unbelievable. The best thing you can do for your son, for his happiness and mental health, is step up and actively parent him, he is a young man screaming out for boundaries and you need to put them into place

Therapy for you both would be advisable too, and please don't homeschool him, it wouldn't be in anyone's best interests.

OP i have put a couple of links in the thread that i signpost parents and young people to ( im a mental health practitioner).

If you are struggling to find a first port of call please contact those agencies or ask for an urgent appointment with your GP .

You did the best that thought at the time with the information you had.

Where I live, #4 would have gotten him arrested. I'm surprised that it didn't there.

Have you thought home schooling through. ? How would you manage financially ? Would it mean giving up work ? Would you be eligible for benefits as you would not be available for or looking for work ?

Do you have another income that could make this a reality ?

I disagree. I went to a really rough comprehensive, and I met boys who behaved like the OP’s son. Some of these boys later served time in prison, and two unfortunately died (one of a heroin overdose, the other met a violent end due to a dispute over a drug deal.)

The OP has a short window of time to turn this situation around. Any attempts to sugar-coat the situation won’t help anyone - least of all OP’s son.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen

I felt very overwhelmed and anxious, I inherited money and I’ve always had a good amount of savings, from money that was given to me when I was much younger, working and selling unwanted items.

I have never spent a penny of my sons fathers money on myself, he used to offer money for weekly food shop etc, I always declined, I am more than capable of feeding my son.

I have always been in contact with “ordinary people” would you mind explaining what you mean by ordinary people please? because you’re making it sound like there is something wrong with me.

I am not a criminal never been part of any criminal activity; just unknowingly got into a relationship with one and had his son, then left when I found out the truth.

OP, your son is obviously in a great deal of mental anguish. His two lodestones, who he should be able to trust to tell him the (age appropriate) truth, have lied to him, repeatedly.

He needs help and consistent boundaries, as multiple PP have told you. You also need help, please seek it out for both of you, but you really do need to stop rewarding his bad behaviour.

No, don't do that, you've called out other posters for being rude and disrespectful to you - calling people who are trying to give you genuine advise that you asked for, Karen's is really rude and disrespectful.

@Mulhollandmagoo I was just quoting what the other poster said.

I think you are beyond help - you don’t want to make him upset? Are you for real? You are the problem. If you really really love him, discipline him! The poor boy is begging for some boundaries and hasn’t been taught right from wrong. His parents lie to him and then instead of deciding to be a good parent from now on, you just want him to like you and be your friend? You are supposed to make him fit for society, not constantly enable his behaviour and which will only make him fit for prison. OP, you really need a parenting course and to grow a pair. Seriously, please accept the PRU place and start putting this right . You are weak and making excuses for yourself as well as for him.

Op- have you heard of the charity Heard and Seen? they are really good they help families/ children of prisoners.

The people leaping on here to judge need to walk a mile in the shoes of a child (yes, child) who is suffering so much because his dad is in prison - he is feeling a combination of grief, sadness, shame - to know your dad is seen as 'bad' by society is hugely damaging to a childs mental health.

your son needs support - there is no point listening to people saying your son is awful etc etc - your son is living through trauma and needs a lot of support

Try Heard and Seen if you haven't before.

No, you weren't at all, you were referring to posters who said things you don't like as 'karens' you were trying to 'ignore the karens' I think it was. Not great from the other poster either tbh.

You've had some good advice here, read it all, digest it and make a plan to sort this mess out. Only you can.

For those judging the OP - it is very different having 'boundaries' when your child has poor mental health - you have to also be the backbone/ support/ champion for your child in a world that judges them.

So yes perhaps the OP takes her son out for the day to keep their relationship going in a difficult time. Perhaps she has seen how much he grieves his dad and how much he is struggling to behave.

OP it does sound like your son has behavioural issues but I'm sure you are aware of that - good luck with it.

On the contrary - I think the OP has received some uncharacteristically decent responses, this being MN!! I've been surprised actually!

@DrainedNFedUp I veer between wanting to hug you and wanting to shake you - both of you desperately need help and support, and to disassociate yourself completely from this underbelly of society. You need to be left alone to make a decent life for you and your boy, and hopefully your DP, if he is a decent man.

Where are your parents in all this?

@DrainedNFedUp I think you’ve done pretty awesome with sticking this thread out, in contrast to your previous overprotective behavior of your son (while I’m not judging, except for the last incident, your days out to an outsider do seem a little insane iyswim ? Then again I’ve worked with kids in care who came home expelled for an impulsive reaction, that could have had horrendous consequences (ex: a punch which turned out to be absolutely nothing, but WE as adults know how dramatically different that could have been), and all I wanted was to hug them : they were my babies, I’m not the school, I’m not the police, and I’m damn sick of seeing the same situations again.
Personally I switched to primary age, which I work much better with - I accepted my limitations with the older ones. You don’t have that luxury, but you’re trying, and that’s great - and please ignore those horrendous genetic true personality or whatever comments.
Best of luck and please keep us updated.

OP i have put a couple of links in the thread that i signpost parents and young people to ( im a mental health practitioner).

If you are struggling to find a first port of call please contact those agencies or ask for an urgent appointment with your GP .

You did the best that thought at the time with the information you had.

@Mulhollandmagoo A couple were really out of order, and I think most posters agreed. The rest were to be expected, and tbf they’re true, I hope OP will be able to update us soon with positive new steps so that we can focus on moving forwards

@DrainedNFedUp
With all the help and assistance, can a bad apples behavior ever be reformed?

@BabyEl sorry to hear that, but I don’t understand why you are telling me this, it’s something you must deal with offline, I hope you feel better soon.

@Godlovesall26 I am emotionally drained right now, very tired but can’t sleep. Just glad that my son doesn’t have any disturbed sleep patterns and sleeps throughout the night.

You set boundaries to someone you could simply ignore online/report yet can’t do that for your own son or ex who you allowed to overstep boundaries by manipulating your child with money, I don’t doubt that you are struggling with your son but your boundaries are out of line

Lol…

Is that actually necessary or do you just get off on being nasty??!