Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.

I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.

He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.

The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.

He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.

My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.

Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.

There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched

My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.

This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.

AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

OP you have had some really good advice here, in amongst the criticism. I agree with a previous poster - you come across as someone who is broken and vulnerable, hence why you parent so permissively and have no real idea what to do to help your DS.

He needs love, but he needs boundaries, and you can't give him any at the moment - you need help to start to do that. I worry, reading your posts, that the reason you treat him with days out when he is excluded, and minimise his behaviour all the time (i.e. saying that teachers are 'inhumane' for telling him that he must wait till breaktime to use the toilet), is because you are scared that if you impose boundaries he might then unleash his violence on you.

You both need urgent help and the best way to achieve that for both of you is to engage with the PRU.

Otherwise, ask yourself how you will feel, in 5/10 years time, when he beats up his girlfriend, or his child, because violence is the only way he knows how to deal with things, and hey, it's always worked before. Will you do as you've done here, and shrug, and say it's everyone else's fault for being too harsh with him, and that the girlfriend or child must have done something to deserve it, and that there is no need to punish him because punishing him will just 'make him upset'?

As I say, I do genuinely feel for you, because you're clearly struggling so much, but at the same time you have to take responsibility.

@QueenofLouisiana I have not getting any help or support from anyone, I do not have any siblings and I only have a handful of friends. I have a partner but I haven’t opened up to him about what is going on.

Tomorrow I will refer myself to social services, I will tell them I need help, I can’t cope (I really can’t)

I will look about getting therapy/counselling for my son and I.

Hopefully the school will call me with an update, I can’t set any boundaries until my son is back at school.

The gifts from a relative probably should cease. I’m worried about you. How much independence do you feel? Essentially, you know what to do. He has zero option but to go to the PRU. You need to extricate yourself firmly from that family.

OP; this is a very roundabout way of not actually answering the previous poster's question. Is that money the result of criminal activity? Was it all legal declared and taxed? If not, how long before your son works that out? Further condoning bad behaviour.

It's clear you can't cope and for that I am really sorry. Maybe you were ground down by that evil bastard in jail, and god only knows what he put you through. Fair play for leaving him but I think even from 'inside' he is still exerting significant control - I don't know whether that's something inside your mind, or physically from associates on the 'outside' - one of whom is easing what criminal dad has that passes for a 'conscience' by over-compensating financially for father of the year's absence for his child's life - through the ill-gotten proceeds of their criminality!! That is just all kinds of wrong. Your DS must know that his dad isn't 'earning' money legitimately!

You need external help, both of you - and I don't for the life of me comprehend why you haven't been offered it long ago - but please confide in your partner too. If you have a good relationship then you should be able to talk to him and presumably he would be horrified if he realised all you have been carrying alone.

@DrainedNFedUp I think you do need to talk to the PRU, coming back to the question as to what they are offering to your son to help him get back to a positive learning mindset. It is very unlikely that you and he can do this alone (or at this point with well-meaning family help). You need professional help to set up a structured pathway for you both, likely with mental health support for both of you.
If nothing else, ask for a CAF to be filled in. This is voluntary, but a first step towards support from social care.

@onlyboysinthehouse yes, no. I have been honest and will continue being honest throughout.

My OP said I would not drip feed, even though I believe that question was irrelevant.

Do you work, or how do you support yourself and your DS? Please tell me that evil criminal isn't funding you?

It is relevant though; because teenagers are bloody smart, and if some posters on a forum – knowing very little – have managed to work out it's ill-gotten money, it won't be long before you son does, too. And then you have lost any footing or respect her holds for you currently; accepting illegally gotten money condones illegal behaviour. Why would he possibly behave when his own mother is happy to profit from crime? Sorry to be harsh, and I wouldn't normally touch someone's finances, but the fact you can't see how that question was relevant is worrying.

I typed out a long reply but it was deleted when the page reloaded 🤬

My advice would be to look into therapeutic parenting. Sarah Naish’s A-Z of Theraputic Parenting is available on audible and taught me a lot about how to better respond to DS to help him to process and to look at the nurture need behind the behaviour, and I’d thoroughly recommend it to any/every parent.

Social stories can also be helpful. I know that at 13 your son is probably past the point of entertaining you reading a picture book to him, but if he would humour you, these books can really help articulate what he’s struggling to process and can give you both the language to have subsequent conversations. I found on Google www.littleparachutes.com/category/issues/parent-prison/

I would also speak to the PRU and find out what techniques they’re using, what’s affective, what isn’t etc and ask them for advice about referrals to other agencies that they think could be useful. I’ve had a really positive experience of having social services being involved with me and my DA who is now 15. He has ADHD and autism, so a bit different, but he also ended up at a PRU and came very close to being permanently excluded but we were able to do a managed move, with a few months at an alternative provision. Social services were very good at pulling everything together and being on a child protection plan, we were having 4 weekly meetings with everyone involved which was absolutely invaluable. Now, DS is on a child protection plan again, but this time because he is a risk to his own physical and mental health due to self destructive behaviours, and again the social worker and the meetings has been absolutely invaluable. She really speaks up for DS and makes school accountable for keeping him safe and having extra safeguards in place around him. I know that this isn’t ideal, being in this situation, but I wanted to share this so that you know that having social services involved can actually be really positive.

I know first hand how it is to have your son make comments about wanting to kill a TA that they feel is singling them out, and a lot of the other behaviours that you described. It’s hard! Sending you chocolate and gin, and a reminder to do lots of self care.

@adriftinadenofvipers I used to work, but since what has happened I had to give up, it was taking a toll on my mental health. Luckily I have savings and the house we live in was left to me by a relative. So no; he isn’t funding me, I wouldn’t allow him to.

I’ll be honest, since my son was born I’ve had to buy him anything, his father has always provided and bearing in mind we haven’t been together for many years.

I do applaud your honesty though: genuinely, is incredibly brave of you.
The reason I was hammering the money point home was because, as soon as possible, you need to be declining every envelope of cash or gift.

The exclusion letter tells you that, when excluded, your child is not allowed to be out and about during school hours. Are you ignoring that? Did you realise you could get prosecuted?

You don't think it's fair to keep him at home - do you think it is fair that he is behaving so badly in school? Might it actually be quite a good thingl for him to get upset if it makes him think about why he is being punished?

How does someone in prison provide?

where does the money come from?

I urge you @DrainedNFedUp - please stop accepting his dirty money. Your son will never respect you when he figures it out.

Plus I am pretty sure it's illegal to accept the profits of crime. I'm concerned about who you are mixed up with in all honesty.

"Your DH's native country: could you ever consider taking your sun to boarding school there! " This could save his life!!

@marykay1 that’s really not possible, but thanks for suggesting it.

Your son needs MH support and you need parenting support - you must know that responding to his violence with a nice day out isn’t ok? Your idea to refer yourself to social services for support is a good one.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 Yes, I’ll update you all.

I know you love him, but your attitude of condoning this awful and violent behaviour is not helpful for him. It will continue to escalate unless you address this as a parent. He needs boundaries, consistency and discipline. Can you ask social services early intervention to get involved? They may be able to help you become more assertive in your parenting and get this under control

@BabyEl You have been very rude to me and said some very hurtful things, but you still think you can ask me questions and I’m going to answer them. No, you’re not going to do that.

www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline-and-webchat/

How did working impact on your mental health? Was this formally diagnosed,,or did working just make you tired, or sad,,or annoyed?

I'm not getting at you with this question, on the contrary; it sounds as if you are very socially isolated , although not short of money( which often accompanies social isolation) . You say you have a ‘partner’ but he doesn’t seem to be very close to you if all this is going on and he doesn’t know about it.

I wonder whether you would consider getting a part time job, something maybe quite low key, which I think could be very beneficial to you. It would give you money which you had earned, instead of ‘inherited’ or ‘saved’. ( saved from what, I can’t help wondering). I can’t see how the money etc which your son is accepting from his imprisoned father and which is presumably being delivered by one of his gang members doesn’t pass through your hands in some way. Clean, independent money would be good for your self esteem.

More importantly, you would come into contact with ‘ordinary’ people, who might give you an idea of how society functions in the run of the mill, instead of in the odd world of criminals. You might make some acquaintances, even friends, who would give you another perspective on families and children.

Honestly, OP, this all sounds like a plot from The Godfather ( probably Peaky Blinders but I have never seen that) or some press coverage of the Krays. That world does not generally bring happiness to those involved in it.

www.kooth.com/

www.themix.org.uk/