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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to stop grunting?

107 replies

GlowDown · 15/03/2023 22:41

I'm 36. DH is 43. Two little kids.

DH is really REALLY leaning into middle age. He wants to talk about road works with me. Naps on the sofa all the time

The thing he does though is he grunts. Especially when falling asleep but also just generally...loud clearing of the throat, grunts, grumbles, mumbles words to himself, says "errrrrrrr" all the time. He also sneezes so loudly it makes our kids cry...like 14 sneezes in a row.

Anyway its doing my head in. And I might have snapped at him to stop grunting and groaning all day and he said now he's not comfortable in my own house. I feel like I'm living with an OAP though

Do I sound unreasonable/stuck up? I'm trying not let it wind me up but GOD.

OP posts:
Newyearnewhome · 15/03/2023 22:45

YANBU, but am afraid you sound like every other person in a long term relationship.

You have my sympathy- his habits would drive me round the bloody bend!

is it affecting how you feel about him? Attraction etc?

Mochinated · 15/03/2023 22:48

How annoying.

Why do they start the sneezing? Mine does this too. Literally never used to sneeze so loudly. Suddenly after DC2 arrived he has these massive sneezing fits! I've told him STFU or leave the room til finished! It's an ongoing drama, he used to get really cross at me about it.

The groaning and moaning, nope. I'd be sending him links to the research about how moaning and groaning negatively affects mental and physical health.

Mochinated · 15/03/2023 22:51

The sofa napping is passive aggressive IME. I told mine sort his health out, do some exercise and stop binging on junk food and sweets when he thinks I'm not looking. If he absolutely must nap, he's to F off upstairs and then he doesn't get a free pass to avoid parenting, he has to pay back that time so that I get 2 hours to myself to nap or take a bath undisturbed or whatever I want.

Do you know what, he rarely does it anymore, funny that...

ReallyReallyRealThings · 15/03/2023 22:53

DH does this.
I’m especially tired and cranky today so have hissed ‘shut up’ under my breath several times whilst he been loudly, and repeatedly, clearing his throat. It’s so loud it’s like an axe being driven into my skull. The puffing as he sits down, gets up, puts his shoes on….. it drives me nuts.
I, on the other hand, am a delight to live with.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2023 22:55

God knows what you can do. I bet he can control the groaning tho. DP does it at times, since I snapped and told him to STFU I don't want to hear it, he very rarely does it. Same with the loud sneezing he'd be red in the face with a bewildered expression too🙄. I was not having it. He isn't grumpy tho, thankfully. At least not yet. I always think these things are about attention -seeking somehow. Hard to explain but that's my feeling. I absolutely refute living with all that disturbance for years and I've told DP that so, I guess he thought it through and decided to make the change.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2023 22:56

Just realised your DP is only 43, mine has 20 years on him...! Nip it in the bud now...

Original poster
GlowDown · 15/03/2023 23:03

I think it's attention seeking too sometimes @DeeCeeCherry he will stand in the kitchen just groaning while I'm doing dinner and he's just trying to tell me he's tired and fed up maybe? I don't know. But all the noises sound self pitying somehow

His dad is 70 and basically asleep on the sofa all day while his mum does EVERYTHING.

When we were getting together I used to observe that dynamic and think good god no will I be like that....

I get its not nice to be told to STFU in your own home after a busy day but fuck...its so unattractive and annoying!

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2023 23:13

@Glow

Yes..! Always when I'm focused on doing something or maybe seem distracted. DP places himself just outside my vision where I can easily turn and see him. As said he doesn't do it anymore but OMG. Now I've wound myself up recalling the thunderous sneezing, complete with bewildered big baby expression.

The groaning I think is maybe they want you to ask (50 times a day) oh what's wrong? Are you ok? Can I do something for you?
But real day to day life doesn't accommodate that. Especially when you have young children. 43 is young to be at napping on sofa stage. Do what a PP said, he can get out of your vision, go upstairs for a proper 2/3 hour nap then come back do his share of housework and childcare whilst you nap upstairs.

You're not going to be able to stand decades of harumphing so it's best sorted now.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 15/03/2023 23:19

I don't understand the loud sneezing. I have a colleague who sounds like a gun shots going off when they sneeze and it makes me jump every time.

So irritating. If I can stifle the sound or do it quietly why can't they? Seems like they're leaning into enjoying the sneeze.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 15/03/2023 23:29

IDontWantToBeAPie · 15/03/2023 23:19

I don't understand the loud sneezing. I have a colleague who sounds like a gun shots going off when they sneeze and it makes me jump every time.

So irritating. If I can stifle the sound or do it quietly why can't they? Seems like they're leaning into enjoying the sneeze.

They wouldn't do it during a funeral service, so they can keep the bloody noise down.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 15/03/2023 23:47

Shout-sneezing is so irritating. My NDN sneezes so loudly it's loud through the wall.

LadyWithLapdog · 16/03/2023 00:00

I don’t live with one, but along the same lines I get irritated with people sniffing on trains during my commute. I think there should be a BIG box of tissues in every carriage and a public health campaign for blowing your nose. Throat clearing too.

LadyVictoriaSponge · 16/03/2023 00:04

My husband’s sneezing would register highly on the Richter scale it is utterly ridiculous, makes me jump out my skin and gives me the absolute rage, he always violently sneezes twice and then it looks as though he is going in for a third so I brace myself but that is more often than not a big yawn and that really annoys me as well, he never used to sneeze like this, probably started in his 40’s,wonder if there is a correlation? Seems to be a pattern on this thread.

Rosula · 16/03/2023 00:30

What is it with the way men shout when they sneeze? DH does it, it's really deafening. If I can sneeze at a reasonably low decibel level I don't see why he can't. I've reached the point when I'm no longer subtle about it, it's fingers in my ears as soon as he starts.

YABU also on constant throat clearing. I regularly find myself wanting to ask DH why he has to keep doing it when it's not as if he's about to say something.

Soddit, he must be psychic. He's literally just started sneezing/shouting as I typed that last paragraph.

Rosula · 16/03/2023 00:31

Oh god, now he's started snorting and sniffing. Tempted to decamp to the spare room.

ChestnutGrove · 16/03/2023 00:43

Is the errrrr noise when he remembers something embarrassing? I do that but I told dd to tell me if I do it, so she says "Mum you're making your noises" 😄
I hear the woman next door doing shout sneezing, so I try not to do it, even though it's more satisfying.

CheeseFiend40 · 16/03/2023 00:43

Oh god my DH does the loudest sneeze, and there’s always 2 sneezes together, then a pause, then a third sneeze. Very exaggerated, very loud. Actually made our little girl jump and cry before! I’ve mostly learned to ignore it now thankfully!

He also used to do a really exaggerated loud groaning noise when picking something up that’s not even heavy, getting up off the floor, sitting down on the sofa, getting up off the sofa etc. I was always pointing out how unnecessary it was. The thing that finally nipped it in the bud was a video I happened to capture of our then 2yo DS building a tower with blocks. He bent down to get this tiny wooden block and made the same fake noise my DH always did. I took great delight in showing him this video many times, and funnily enough he doesn’t do it anymore 😁

bluebeardswife7 · 16/03/2023 00:48

The after dinner nap is a complete flex. He will heeve himself on the sofa, put on a Seinfeld, which is there compromise tv, aaagggghh for the rest of the evening

DrFoxtrot · 16/03/2023 00:48

I call all these noises 'thrutching and grutching' Grin and I'm sick of hearing them from people. STFU. Even breathing sounds piss me off sometimes.

AlwaysLatte · 16/03/2023 01:15

My DH thankfully doesn't grunt but sneezes really loudly too. I honestly think he's won the lottery or something when he suddenly shouts AHOOO!!! We share an office at home so I'm often deep into thought with something when it comes out of nowhere. No 'ah...ah....ahhhhh' to warn me first. I genuinely think each one ages me a tiny bit!

FriedasCarLoad · 16/03/2023 01:33

I've always find the loud sneezing irritating, not least because it makes me jump.

The last week I've been in quite a lot of pain. Any sneezes we're hurting, stopped suppressing my sneezes to a quiet volume and shouted the "achoo" like the men in my life. It felt so good!

I'm back to a polite quiet sneeze now, but I do understand a bit better why they do it.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 16/03/2023 05:02

Omg!!! I have this issue, my DH constably moans and sighs. I absolutely hate it, I've told him bit he says it's old age. Tbh it's really starting to irritate me, I'd try and nip it in the bud now

Gremlinsateit · 16/03/2023 05:26

Omg the shout sneezing.

mildlydispeptic · 16/03/2023 05:31

Ah, thank you, I'd forgotten another reason I'm better off without my ex: THE SNEEZING.

Irisheyesareshining · 16/03/2023 05:35

Yuck the sneezing ! Mine does this and I find it disgusting, he doesn’t use a tissue and you can see all the spray !! It’s so unattractive

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