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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to stop grunting?

107 replies

GlowDown · 15/03/2023 22:41

I'm 36. DH is 43. Two little kids.

DH is really REALLY leaning into middle age. He wants to talk about road works with me. Naps on the sofa all the time

The thing he does though is he grunts. Especially when falling asleep but also just generally...loud clearing of the throat, grunts, grumbles, mumbles words to himself, says "errrrrrrr" all the time. He also sneezes so loudly it makes our kids cry...like 14 sneezes in a row.

Anyway its doing my head in. And I might have snapped at him to stop grunting and groaning all day and he said now he's not comfortable in my own house. I feel like I'm living with an OAP though

Do I sound unreasonable/stuck up? I'm trying not let it wind me up but GOD.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 16/03/2023 08:20

DH is great. Genuinely, he is really thoughtful and kind and hard working. But my god, the noises.

When he cleans his teeth, he has makes an insanely loud retching noise at the end before he spits. It actually makes me want to be sick but just settle for "shut up" under my breath. And when he performs any parking manoeuvre, he grunts as though he's a stone age man rolling stone monoliths on tree trunks. I'm relieved to hear other men do the same though, I feel less alone!

HamzasHairnet · 16/03/2023 08:25

The shout sneeze, and I know it's put on because he doesn't do it when he sneezes in his sleep. He also kicks up a leg like a can-can dancer while doing it

😂😂😂

Ttwinkletoes · 16/03/2023 08:47

I shout sneeze mostly if I’ve drunk wine - I think the alcohol affects blood vessels in nose

Swiftbushome · 16/03/2023 08:53

Constantly groaning, sighing and shout sneezing are DEFINITELY attention seeking. That's why they're so.bloody annoying. Also why it's mostly men that do it.

bussteward · 16/03/2023 09:02

Beachcomber · 16/03/2023 08:08

Men and their noises - so bloody selfish. To my mind it's a vocal form of manspreading.
My DH doesn't moan and groan. He's very jolly and cheerful so I feel like a bitch when I often want to say "will you STFU for a bit".

It's like he doesn't feel he exists if he's not making some sort of noise. Singing, humming, whistling, clattering cutlery, snoring, sneezing, playing music really loudly. He even speaks loudly for no reason.
The house is so peaceful when he's not around.
He doesn't seem to understand that it actually has an effect on our relationship as it's so irritating and also smacks of male entitlement. He takes up more than his fair share of "audio space" in the house. I've had a go at explaining it a couple of times and he did stop whistling for a few days and then it just started up again.
OP you have my sympathy.

Yes! “A vocal firm of manspreading” is absolutely right. It’s funny, when we discovered we had mice it only happened when it was just me downstairs in the sitting room, reading quietly: little mouse pops out of the fireplace and goes foraging. DP: “Are you sure, I’ve never seen one when I’m in there…?” Because you don’t sit still! You turn reading into a high intensity workout with the shuffling, throat clearing, humming, sighing, leg juggling, getting up and down, the weird man thing of rubbing your feet back and forth over the nearest available patch of floor, endless getting up and down for your phone/a snack/the loo/a drink/a random pointless wander around the room.

God this thread is cathartic.

oiltrader · 16/03/2023 09:08

I feel for all the poor DH's who are not given any respect on here. My DH has his faults but I love him and would not bad mouth him to strangers on the web. this place is getting worse x

Fizbosshoes · 16/03/2023 09:13

Interesting that I've noticed from a really young age that my DS does all sorts of things with a "soundtrack" if that makes sense? . He makes noises when he plays computer games, he makes a "hur-uh" sound when he's trying to reach something or jumping and others I can't remember, for all kind of mundane things. They are not grunts/groans they are just sounds!

In fact when he was young, if he was unwell he would be silent and I really missed the "soundtrack". DD is not like this at all. I'm pretty sure they are not attention seeking noises, he doesn't even know he's doing it!

Whichwhatnow · 16/03/2023 09:19

Sympathies OP. My DH sighs (frequently and loudly), but also does the 'brrrrrr' noise with his mouth as he breathes out (a quick Google says it's technically called a lip trill?). It is SO ANNOYING. He claims he can't help it.

As it sounds like he's a horse I've taken to neighing loudly at him every time he does it. Apparently that's childish of me 😆. It does seem to have cut down on the brrrr-ing though!

DeathBy1000PipeCleaners · 16/03/2023 09:23

Ah, the man soundtrack! I've been thinking of recording it and releasing an album that no one would buy.

5foot5 · 16/03/2023 09:23

HoleyShit · 16/03/2023 07:41

My MIL wins the Oscar for her overly dramatic, ear piercingly loud sneezing performances. Of course you can't say anything to her, because she can't help it Hmm

It goes something like this - AAAAAAACHOOOOOAWOOOAWOOOAWOOOAWOOOOOOOOO - OOO OOO OO

Oh, and she'll do about a dozen of the fuckers in a row -

Oh dear. Can I say a word in defence of your MIL and other loud sneezes?

Some of you think that because you can control your own sneeze noise that you always will be able to and so can everyone else. Let me disillusion you.

I used to sneeze like a normal person, neither too loud or too many times. However somewhere around middle age that changed. I am now prone to bouts of really explosive sneezes, and yes maybe a dozen or more. If possible I leave the room when it starts happening. Sometimes blowing my nose helps, sometimes it doesn't.

I am never sure what brings it in. An allergy maybe? Not all my sneezes are like that. If I have a cold for instance and sneeze as a result of that they are still normal ones.

But no I definitely don't enjoy them, do not do them on purpose. Nor have I yet found anyway of preventing them. Well sometimes if I hold my nose I can keep it down to a loud whoosh but that is not particularly edifying either.

So don't condemn all loud sneezes. It could be you one day!

BansheeofInisherin · 16/03/2023 09:27

I have a loud sneezer too. SO infuriating. And he doesn't understand why I am infuriated. He also sighs a lot.

Jellycats4life · 16/03/2023 09:29

When my husband has a cold or a sore throat he resorts to constant throat clearing. But it’s a very “talky” kind of throat clearing iyswim. Almost has a sing-song quality to it. He often elongates the final note for maximum effect.

Makes me murderous.

BansheeofInisherin · 16/03/2023 09:30

oiltrader · 16/03/2023 09:08

I feel for all the poor DH's who are not given any respect on here. My DH has his faults but I love him and would not bad mouth him to strangers on the web. this place is getting worse x

LOL. There's always one.

VoluptuaSneezelips · 16/03/2023 09:33

5foot5 · 16/03/2023 09:23

Oh dear. Can I say a word in defence of your MIL and other loud sneezes?

Some of you think that because you can control your own sneeze noise that you always will be able to and so can everyone else. Let me disillusion you.

I used to sneeze like a normal person, neither too loud or too many times. However somewhere around middle age that changed. I am now prone to bouts of really explosive sneezes, and yes maybe a dozen or more. If possible I leave the room when it starts happening. Sometimes blowing my nose helps, sometimes it doesn't.

I am never sure what brings it in. An allergy maybe? Not all my sneezes are like that. If I have a cold for instance and sneeze as a result of that they are still normal ones.

But no I definitely don't enjoy them, do not do them on purpose. Nor have I yet found anyway of preventing them. Well sometimes if I hold my nose I can keep it down to a loud whoosh but that is not particularly edifying either.

So don't condemn all loud sneezes. It could be you one day!

Show quote history

I also have these bouts of explosive sneezing, started in my 30's. It can actually be quite painful and it's so forceful that it makes my eyes and nose stream. I hate it and wish i could control them but nothing i've tried helps in any way. Don't have allergies that could be causing it and it can happen anywhere, anytime in very different places so don't think it's something environmental. I have just had to accept it as part and parcel of getting older.

Palmface · 16/03/2023 09:45

Yadnbu.

My dh used to make the most pathetic high pitched "hummmmm" whimper in every breath out when he was hungover or poorly. And I mean every breath. I was murderous. I had to actually mimic him to show him how ridiculous he was being. Honestly so unattractive. Yes we all feel like moaning when we feel terrible, but no we don't have to subject everyone else to it. He stopped it once he realised how selfish and inconsiderable it was!

5foot5 · 16/03/2023 09:45

VoluptuaSneezelips · 16/03/2023 09:33

I also have these bouts of explosive sneezing, started in my 30's. It can actually be quite painful and it's so forceful that it makes my eyes and nose stream. I hate it and wish i could control them but nothing i've tried helps in any way. Don't have allergies that could be causing it and it can happen anywhere, anytime in very different places so don't think it's something environmental. I have just had to accept it as part and parcel of getting older.

Show quote history

Yes this sounds very like my experience. Started when I was about 50 I think. Glad it's not just me.

watcherintherye · 16/03/2023 09:48

I have the same problems with dh - explosive sneeze from nowhere. Not even a slight ‘aaah’ run up for warning. And don’t get me started on performative throat clearing, sniffing and sighing at his misfortune. Tbf it’s a result of congestion due to hay fever-like symptoms, alleviated by the simple step of taking an anti-histamine. BUT… does he do this off his own bat? No.

He always waits (sometimes a maddening hour or more, so I’ve given up hope that he’ll do it all by himself) for me to suggest through gritted teeth that he might want to take an anti-histamine. So bloody annoying! Wouldn’t be surprised if he deals with it perfectly competently when I’m not around!

BansheeofInisherin · 16/03/2023 09:48

I am 51. I am not sighing or puffing or sneezing. Sorry, nothing to do with middle age. Just men looking for attention ( if sick) or unable to control themselves.

StormTreader · 16/03/2023 09:49

Everyone should sneeze/cough into their elbow anyway to minimise spread of bugs which should also reduce the noise - I feel like noisy sneezers are not even following the basic steps

Rosula · 16/03/2023 09:59

oiltrader · 16/03/2023 09:08

I feel for all the poor DH's who are not given any respect on here. My DH has his faults but I love him and would not bad mouth him to strangers on the web. this place is getting worse x

Don't be silly. It could not matter less that the relatively few people who read MN and read this thread now know about people's partners' noises. None of us know who the other people are, we won't remember long enough even to connect it if we read other posts from people on the thread, and the chances are that most of us change our usernames or otherwise disappear into the ether.

If you were to post about your husband's faults on here, unless he insists on reading your MN posts, he will never know. If he does insist, you have bigger problems. Equally, he doesn't have any way of knowing that you are forbearing from writing about him. And, who knows, relieving your feelings about his faults might make you feel a tiny bit better about them.

Rosula · 16/03/2023 10:02

watcherintherye · 16/03/2023 09:48

I have the same problems with dh - explosive sneeze from nowhere. Not even a slight ‘aaah’ run up for warning. And don’t get me started on performative throat clearing, sniffing and sighing at his misfortune. Tbf it’s a result of congestion due to hay fever-like symptoms, alleviated by the simple step of taking an anti-histamine. BUT… does he do this off his own bat? No.

He always waits (sometimes a maddening hour or more, so I’ve given up hope that he’ll do it all by himself) for me to suggest through gritted teeth that he might want to take an anti-histamine. So bloody annoying! Wouldn’t be surprised if he deals with it perfectly competently when I’m not around!

Ah, he wants the acknowledgement that he's ILL, he needs devoted nursing, really you should be bringing him a nice hot drink with his anti-histamines plus a stool to put his feet up on, and putting your cool hand on his fevered brow. You should probably go and get the dressing-gown of doom for him.

Pinkywoo · 16/03/2023 10:14

oiltrader · 16/03/2023 09:08

I feel for all the poor DH's who are not given any respect on here. My DH has his faults but I love him and would not bad mouth him to strangers on the web. this place is getting worse x

Ha! You're all so mean to the poor men, they can't help being fucking annoying, kiss!

bussteward · 16/03/2023 10:17

oiltrader · 16/03/2023 09:08

I feel for all the poor DH's who are not given any respect on here. My DH has his faults but I love him and would not bad mouth him to strangers on the web. this place is getting worse x

wah wah wah

Fizbosshoes · 16/03/2023 10:18

Rosula · 16/03/2023 09:59

Don't be silly. It could not matter less that the relatively few people who read MN and read this thread now know about people's partners' noises. None of us know who the other people are, we won't remember long enough even to connect it if we read other posts from people on the thread, and the chances are that most of us change our usernames or otherwise disappear into the ether.

If you were to post about your husband's faults on here, unless he insists on reading your MN posts, he will never know. If he does insist, you have bigger problems. Equally, he doesn't have any way of knowing that you are forbearing from writing about him. And, who knows, relieving your feelings about his faults might make you feel a tiny bit better about them.

Show quote history

Since so many seem to have the same groaning and loud sneezing habits would anyone tell who was who anyway!

Pinkywoo · 16/03/2023 10:23

5foot5 · 16/03/2023 09:23

Oh dear. Can I say a word in defence of your MIL and other loud sneezes?

Some of you think that because you can control your own sneeze noise that you always will be able to and so can everyone else. Let me disillusion you.

I used to sneeze like a normal person, neither too loud or too many times. However somewhere around middle age that changed. I am now prone to bouts of really explosive sneezes, and yes maybe a dozen or more. If possible I leave the room when it starts happening. Sometimes blowing my nose helps, sometimes it doesn't.

I am never sure what brings it in. An allergy maybe? Not all my sneezes are like that. If I have a cold for instance and sneeze as a result of that they are still normal ones.

But no I definitely don't enjoy them, do not do them on purpose. Nor have I yet found anyway of preventing them. Well sometimes if I hold my nose I can keep it down to a loud whoosh but that is not particularly edifying either.

So don't condemn all loud sneezes. It could be you one day!

Show quote history

I have extremely explosive sneezes due to allergies, they're so strong they make my head ring BUT I don't engage my vocal chords so no shouting.