Page 6 | How I accept that I'm not pretty

Sophieros23 · 2023-03-15T09:02:24+00:00

How can I accept and love myself when I'm ugly??

Bamboux · 15/03/2023 13:57

Cheeseandhoney · 15/03/2023 13:55

Ugly doesn't mean repulsive or unpleasant. This is exactly my point

ah ok, I understand it’s confusion on what the word means, it does mean repulsive or unpleasant. It’s the literal dictionary definition.

what had you thought it meant?

I don't find physically ugly people to be repulsive or unpleasant. I'm sorry to hear that you do.

Bamboux · 15/03/2023 14:01

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/03/2023 13:53

@Bamboux

For clarity it was more directed at the OP but you'd said it was damaging and cruel to tell people they weren't ugly. I do disagree with that point because I think what you're trying to do is insist that someone's "lived reality" is fixed and immutable.

It's not as simple as saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", that is trite. But it is true that there's no such thing as an objective "scale" of beauty and people who fall lower on the scale will always be considered inferior.

Beauty and attractiveness are actually highly subjective and very situation-specific (and cultural). A person with objectively beautiful features who is timid, stiff and reserved is usually far less attractive than a person with a wonky face who is carrying too much weight who is clever, funny and comfortable in their own skin.

Most of the time when people get very hung up on the idea that they are intrinsically unattractive they start reading the behaviour of others as "evidence" of their unattractiveness. People may seem cold or unapproachable to them. In fact that's usually happening is people are reacting to the lack of confidence that the person is projecting. If someone is happy with themselves the ratio of their nose to their chin or the quality of their eyebrow wax is an utter irrelevance.

A lot of women in particular have been trained to think that their value is measured according to how much they measure up to an idealised set of beauty values and they are very hard on themselves for falling short of these. But in reality these are arbitrary and have very little actual relevance to how people are perceived.

Did you see my follow up post where I included @Magentax 's very articulate and (in my opinion) distressing post where she described her life experiences based on her visible facial difference, including people regularly shouting at her from vans etc.?

Do you see why I think that telling her she's mistaken about that, or that it's because she's projecting a lack of confidence, or that she's misreading others' behaviour because of her own internal unhappiness, is really insulting and denigrating?

I would start from the point of believing her. I do believe her. I don't think that the shitty, horrible experiences she has had are (effectively) her own fault or due to her own psychological flaws or because she's internalised a set of beauty standards.

I think she's had these experiences because OTHER PEOPLE are shitty and horrible and are treating her like that because of how she looks. It's not her fault. It's theirs. And I believe her.

catinboooots · 15/03/2023 14:02

JorisBonson · 15/03/2023 09:03

Why do you think you're ugly? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that.

This isn't true

Cheeseandhoney · 15/03/2023 14:04

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JorisBonson · 15/03/2023 14:10

catinboooots · 15/03/2023 14:02

This isn't true

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Why do you say that?

RoseslnTheHospital · 15/03/2023 14:11

@Bamboux I doubt anyone posting here thinks it's that particular poster's fault that random men in vans shouted abuse at her. Nor that she is imagining her facial difference. Nor that it can be solved by positive thinking and confidence. But you are referring to a different person to the OP, who has not said that she has a facial difference nor that people have abused her in the streets for it. What she has said very clearly is that her husband has told her she is being hard on herself and that her family carers were abusive whilst she was growing up and used her appearance as a tool to damage her self esteem and control her.

Of course it is other peoples fault for being shitty towards people that have an obvious facial difference or other body issue that means they stand out, or if they are deemed not sufficiently attractive/thin/groomed or whatever. We live in a society that does just that, subtly and insidiously rather than shouting it in your face. That needs to be addressed and women should not be made to feel responsible for presenting themselves in a way that's deemed acceptable. But it's incredibly difficult to tell people just not to care about what other people say. It takes a lot of self esteem and internal confidence to let it wash over you and not let it affect you. How should the OP go about achieving that? Because society isn't going to change radically any time soon, sadly.

JorisBonson · 15/03/2023 14:13

Par91 · 15/03/2023 12:59

But you can roll it in glitter! 😜

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As my auld nana used to say, you can't gild a lily ☺️

Eyesopenwideawake · 15/03/2023 14:16

Sophieros23 · 15/03/2023 13:13

I did have a baby 9 weeks and we have to other kids 11 and 6 my partners says I'm being hard on myself I've always felt this for years it hasn't gone away at 31 sounds pathetic at my age will i care less when I'm in my 40s?

Imagine for a moment that tomorrow morning the inner voice that tells you that you are ugly, etc had vanished. Poof, disappeared! You were unable to criticise yourself ever again.

How much of what you 'believe' comes from within your own mind and how much is directed at you from other people today - not in the past? Do children look at you and run away screaming? Do strangers cross the road to avoid you? Are you banned from pubs and cafes because of your looks? I very much doubt it.

Finally, what would you say to your own children if they told you they thought they were ugly??

Bamboux · 15/03/2023 14:18

RoseslnTheHospital · 15/03/2023 14:11

@Bamboux I doubt anyone posting here thinks it's that particular poster's fault that random men in vans shouted abuse at her. Nor that she is imagining her facial difference. Nor that it can be solved by positive thinking and confidence. But you are referring to a different person to the OP, who has not said that she has a facial difference nor that people have abused her in the streets for it. What she has said very clearly is that her husband has told her she is being hard on herself and that her family carers were abusive whilst she was growing up and used her appearance as a tool to damage her self esteem and control her.

Of course it is other peoples fault for being shitty towards people that have an obvious facial difference or other body issue that means they stand out, or if they are deemed not sufficiently attractive/thin/groomed or whatever. We live in a society that does just that, subtly and insidiously rather than shouting it in your face. That needs to be addressed and women should not be made to feel responsible for presenting themselves in a way that's deemed acceptable. But it's incredibly difficult to tell people just not to care about what other people say. It takes a lot of self esteem and internal confidence to let it wash over you and not let it affect you. How should the OP go about achieving that? Because society isn't going to change radically any time soon, sadly.

Hi, yes, I know it was a different poster, but it just felt really tone-deaf and insensitive to me that people kept banging on about beauty being subjective and how OP should improve her looks, rather than starting from the point of saying "ok, probably you're not amazingly beautiful, just like the rest of us. probably you're a completely normal-looking woman who has all sorts of long-standing emotional damage due to your shitty upbringing."

Telling someone who is crippled by thoughts of their own ugliness that they should lose weight/wear red lipstick/get a hair cut/smile/whatever, rather than seek therapy, seems to me to just be reinforcing all the messages she got from her family - that what really matters is how you look, and that how she looks isn't good enough.

Do you see where I'm coming from? Her appearance is not where her issues lie. Focusing on her physical appearance is just entrenching all the damaging messages she already internalised as a child.

ShandaLear · 15/03/2023 14:21

I’d rather have dinner with Angela Merkel than Naomi Campbell.

OP, you appear to be very down on your looks because the bastards who were supposed to care for you as a child, and the bullying twats who made your life hell at school, told you negative things about your appearance in an attempt to make you feel bad about yourself. For some people that’s the only way they can feel better about themselves - by putting other people down, and it sounds like you’ve had a lorry load of shitehawks who aren’t fit to tie your shoelaces doing that to you for some considerable time. Buying a new lipstick and eating a salad is all very well, but you aren’t going to accept yourself, regardless of how you look, because your self esteem has been so damaged by these awful people. Seek therapy with a properly qualified psychologist who can help you unpack this, and then hopefully you will be better at accepting who you are, even IF you are not pretty.

Daffodilfrog · 15/03/2023 14:23

OP - I don’t think I know anyone who is ugly - lots of us are a bit average and that’s fine , how you look is actually only a very tiny piece of who you are and becomes less relevant the older and wiser you get . It sounds like you have been subjected to some pretty nasty bullying and have a couple of kids and a very new baby and are probably shattered . Have you had a chat with your Health Visitor , spoken to your GP ? I think you need to seek out some mental health support in real life .

Anyotherdude · 15/03/2023 14:25

The day I stopped feeling ugly was the day my Mum saw a new passport photo of me and said, admiringly: “Oh gosh, that’s a lovely photo - you look comfortable in your own skin there!”
Sometimes that’s all it takes - I’ve learned not to criticise when I look in the mirror: Mum gave me that…

steff13 · 15/03/2023 14:27

I've encountered very few (if any!) people in my life who were physically ugly. Ugly on the inside, yes.

steff13 · 15/03/2023 14:30

Are you the same poster who was upset about your partner watching ASMR videos or something? If so, you need to get some help.

Logicoutofthewindow · 15/03/2023 14:45

If most of us look at the airbrushed pictures of young women or women with lots of work/effort/great genetics/make up to enhance/lighting camera and touch up pics then we are all ugly be the definition of what 'beauty' is in the Western society.

Unless you are a clone, then yep you are probably ugly, so join the rest of us. Personally I feel it's better to have other attributes.

57NewPosts · 15/03/2023 15:05

Concepts of beauty are so different in different cultures eg What’s beautiful in Egypt may not be considered thus here. And it changes over time too.

It’s tough feeling ugly. I was definitely not pretty growing up. My older sister was a beauty. I was not. I defined myself with my brains and worked hard to get good grades. In a way it is great that I never defined myself by my looks. But as I got older I knew better what suited me etc and managed to brush up pretty well. Some days I don’t look attractive and that’s ok. Because there is much more to me than my looks.

I do think most people look better with a smile and confidence. I never think people look ugly. Maybe that’s because looks don’t mean that much to me.

OP you were surrounded by cruel people growing up. This damaged your self-worth and you can only ever feel ugly now. I hope some counselling could unpick some of this. All of us saying you aren’t ugly will make no difference to how you feel. Please be a bit kinder to yourself. Especially as you have not long had a baby x

dumdididum · 15/03/2023 15:15

Your partner does not think you are ugly so someone somewhere got it wrong! Sometimes less attractive people blossom later in life, and sometimes very attractive children lose their looks. if you look at models through the years they are all different. Our idea of beauty changes. Occasionally I've met someone who at first seems plain but becomes beautiful when they talk or move - and some people just glow!

5128gap · 15/03/2023 15:55

There's been a lot of debate about whether you're actually ugly OP, and whether being ugly matters, but I'm not sure that matters too much to your question, which is how to come to terms with an appearance you're not happy with.
I think for me, its the same way you come to terns with anything you've been dealt in life that makes you unhappy.
You allow yourself to feel sad about it, and then try your best to put it out of your mind, and focus on other things so it doesn't consume you.
Very few if us get the full package of life's blessings, and if looks have passed you by, then I'm sure you have other good things in your life that others don't, many of which will be more long lasting and meaningful than a pretty face.
Its a huge shame that you have the added burden of being brought up to link looks to worth, but rationally you know this thinking has no basis, and you need to keep reminding yourself of that.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 15/03/2023 20:05

I once read ‘there are no ugly women, just lazy ones’.

Give yourself a break and some credit!

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 15/03/2023 20:09

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 15/03/2023 20:05

I once read ‘there are no ugly women, just lazy ones’.

Give yourself a break and some credit!

How is that supposed to make the OP - or indeed, anyone on the wrong side of average - feel better? Not just ugly but lazy too, so it's all our own fault that our genetic make-up doesn't align with what society considers attractive ...

Comedycook · 15/03/2023 20:11

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 15/03/2023 20:05

I once read ‘there are no ugly women, just lazy ones’.

Give yourself a break and some credit!

Brilliant!

There's a great meme with the kardashians...from the early days to now. They look so different. The caption says something like... remember, you're not ugly, you're just poor!

blebbleb · 15/03/2023 20:12

Not many people are actually ugly. I think even most average people can be quite attractive.

elizzza · 15/03/2023 20:20

For me the question to put to yourself when you feel that way is “why does it matter?” When I think about the important people, looks have absolutely nothing to do with my love for them.

I find my partner attractive, but it sounds like you have a partner who finds you attractive! And a lot of my attraction to him has to do with more than just his face - he’s funny and smart and compassionate and all this other stuff that is the real reason why I love him.

My friends, I like that they are interesting and fun and supportive. I might sometimes think one of them looks really nice but it’s kind of a neutral thought, it doesn’t make me like them any more or less. The same with, I don’t know, my colleagues, my kids teachers, random people I chat to in a shop - I’m basing my opinion of people on how they behave and what they say, not how they look.

So when you think about it like that, why does it matter how you look? Why would how you look affect your ability to love yourself?

theblackradiator · 15/03/2023 20:26

TheLostNights · 15/03/2023 09:29

I understand. I am the same.
People say focus on nourishing yourself from within and your inner qualities but unfortunately, all I see is my huge nose, horrible hair and flat chested boyish body.
It's really tough I know x

Are you me@TheLostNights sounds like you are describing me. I've learnt to accept my boyish flat chest now In my mid 40s but i was terribly self conscious of it when I was younger. I dislike the shape of my nose and as for my hair, I even had hairdressers comment on how difficult my hair is to style and do anything with it is just awful. whereas my mother has a beautiful thick head of curly hair mine is the total opposite fine and lank unfortunately inherited from my dad. My parents were both good looking people but their genes didn't mix very well to create equally as good looking children as my sibling is also no looker either. I just don't know what went wrong.

Elvis1956 · 15/03/2023 20:30

Ok I realised that I am unattractive visually many years ago. Also slightly fst. I'm male btw. I am lucky in that I don't take myself seriously and am thick skinned.

I made myself likeable. I am funny often at my own expense. I am interested in other people...I'm the only person I know that likes other people's holiday pics.

but my secret weapon is I dress well and differently to other people. Not top hat and tails or ridiculously bright colours...but I will wear a jacket, waistcoat and trousers, pocket square, pocket watch on a chain. I am bald but ensure I am shaved, eyebrows neat, smell nice.

I don't spend a lot, charity shops, Lidl aftershave, amazon, eBay etc

So I've had women give me their number, much younger women make comments and look at me..even other men complement me.

You are not ugly. You have a partner. If you were truly ugly you would not.I
Focus on a positive...so if you have good legs, wear a shorter skirt, stockings with seams, heals

Dress just a little bit smarter than the situation requires. Learn to accessorise...shoes and bags, great jewellery.

Watch YouTube videos on how to dress, how to do your makeup.

And fake it. Looking like you love yourself with make others believe you do and they will believe it. Honest.