How I accept that I'm not pretty

[Sophieros23]

How can I accept and love myself when I'm ugly??

I've had people (strangers and friends) tell me I'm not pretty/am ugly but they're only saying what they see. I'm not blind, I know what I look like. It's very dismissive when people try and tell you that you're wrong about it. Like someone telling you that the sky is green when you can see perfectly wel that it's blue.

Yes this, I know it's well meant but it's really dismissive. It also plays into the fact that being ugly is so awful that we have to deny the very concept. It exists and there is plenty of evidence that ugly people get treated worse, even as children. Ignoring this unpleasant fact isn't particularly helpful to be honest.

im so sorry this has happened to you, no one should be telling you you are ugly and anyone who does is no friend. That’s unutterably shocking and rhe saddest thing I’ve read on here. They aren’t your friends . No one who was a friend would tell someone they are ugly

You’ve been conditioned to think this way. 💐

The only “ugly” to me is when you’re ugly on the inside. Cruel and selfish with others.

Mental health help is what you need.

People - bullies - use a woman looks all the time as a tool of power and control. They obviously scarred you deeply.

What you actually look like is neither here nor there until you deal with how you feel inside.

Yours,

A fat old, woman with bad complexion who is pretty happy in life.

I posted earlier telling you to get a grip but I see from your updates that you’ve been unlucky enough to be surrounded by some pretty unkind people. Of course this has bashed your self esteem you poor thing.

As is “ugly”.

some folks are stating they are ugly and it’s wrong foe people to say otherwise. But what they find repulsive others are allowed to not find repulsive. Dictating “I think I’m ugly so you all need to agree” is wrong. It’s ok for something to think they are ugly. Sad, but ok. It’s ok for them to find others ugly, but it certainly doesn’t mean they can force us all to react in the same way.

im in my 50s and I’ve never met someone who I felt was ugly physically. As much as I have to accept some folks see themselves and others like that. They also need to accept I simply do not

Yeah, no one can say whether Naomi Campbell or Angela Merkel is more physically attractive 🙄

Why do people do this about looks? They don't tell people that wealth or height are subjective. It's just refusing to even acknowledge reality and the huge benefits that being physically attractive brings throughout life.

As much as I have to accept some folks see themselves and others like that. They also need to accept I simply do not

True and you sound like a nice person but not everyone is like you and I do need to learn to live and have self esteem in a world where lots of people do consider me ugly (and feel free to shout it at me from their vans). So I do need to build some resilience around my unfortunate reality. Would it help you understand more if I described myself as having a facial deformity (which I do) rather than just using the word ugly?

Also how can we work on things like attractive people getting lower sentences than ugly people if we all just refuse to admit that there is some objectivity around attractiveness. I lived with how adults interacted with me as a child who's face made people uncomfortable. I promise you it wasn't some internal problem caused by me.

Angela Merkel isn’t ugly. She’s a perfectly average looking (highly successful and intelligent and productive) older woman who has way too much going on to spend much time on makeup or fashion.

Naomi Campbell’s job was literally makeup and fashion.

If Angela had sat in front of the mirror every day wishing she looked more like Naomi Campbell her life would probably have been quite different.

A lot of prettiness in young woman today is often through quite a lot of expensive' help' - be it false eyelashes, hair extensions, make up, fake tans- whatever. I've found old fashioned unaided prettiness is out of fashion. I was quite suprised when I saw a very glam colleague one morning in a hotel without all the assistance and she looked exceptionally average looking but perfectly attractive. I doubt very much you are ugly- you are probably doing far too much comparing. Dress well, eat well , lose a bit of weight for yourself if you need to- work on the things you can do something about if it helps you mentally.

But I know what you mean though.

Angela Merkel is not ugly though. She is not at supermodel levels of attractive, but she's not objectively ugly. That's the point. She has a husband (her second!) and family who find her attractive. She is also 16 years older than Campbell, whose entire job function is to look young and attractive, or at least striking. Merkel's focus was to run a country!

Society puts a huge emphasis on women in adverts/film/tv etc looking conventionally attractive in a very specific way. The majority of us look nothing like that, and are perfectly pleasant to look at even so.

Being pretty has lots of problems. When I was younger, of course I wanted to be pretty but I didn't realise all the problems which came with it.

Lots of pretty people are not asked out by decent men and when they are in a relationship, they still get a lot of attention from other men which can cause problems.

Have you heard the song When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman? A lot of that is true.

Also, a lot of women will be jealous of you if you are pretty so that causes problems.

Love yourself for what you are. My sister was pretty but she is still single and in her 50s. I am happily married. I know which I would rather be.

You're answering loads of points I didn't make.

I said nothing about Merkel being unattractive. I said she is obviously, objectively less physically beautiful than Naomi Campbell.

She's also obviously far more successful as a poliitician. And yes, exactly, naomi campbell's job is to be beautiful. Which rather proves the point that no, beauty is not 'all subjective'. Which was what I was replying to.

indeed. Because beauty isn't remotely subjective. Which is the point I was making.

Exactly this. The reason why pretty people stand out is because they are in the minority.

Also, as you age, having been pretty must be so stressful.

I'd have to disagree with your second point. I think the majority of people find good looking people more sexually attractive. I've a relatively ordinary looking face and can range from plain to being called 'beautiful' depending on my weight, health and level of effort at the time. There is no question that in my good looking phases I've been considered more sexually attractive, and life has been nicer in other ways too. Pretty privelege is definitely a thing. It shouldn't be, but it is.
I agree with your other points though.

Exactly. Telling people that they're wrong about being ugly and that it's all subjective is really damaging and cruel.

It denies their lived reality.

It denies all of the material advantages that attractiveness brings.

No one tells poor people that wealth is all subjective and they're just imagining that poverty causes them problems.

I have a friend who has men falling at her feet. She has never failed at seducing someone, not even once. I've honestly never known anyone who attracts men like she does, it's quite incredible tbh.

However, she's really not very pretty at all. I feel awful saying that, but it is objectively true. BUT she has buckets full of confidence, charm, and a very attractive 'vibe'.

I think I'm prettier than her, but I'm nowhere near as attractive as her. I don't have the innate quality of beauty she has that seems to transcend what you actually look like.

Exactly. Telling people that they're wrong about being ugly and that it's all subjective is really damaging and cruel.

Yes absolutely. People used to make a repulsed face at me when I was a child. I assume the "it's all subjective" crowd think 5 year old me should have been thinking prettier thoughts or perhaps got a more flattering haircut.

I get it's coming from a kind place but it's completely misconstrued. I am fine now by the way, albeit with some understandable self esteem issues. I have a lovely family and a really good job. It's actually not necessary to pretend to be (or be) pretty to be happy.

It is subjective, it varies between cultures and at different points in time. It is less so in current times due to the influence of global media on cultures that otherwise wouldn't have seen different beauty ideals.

Of course according to current ideals, Campbell is more attractive than Merkel. But the OP says she is ugly not just less beautiful than a super model. The point is that Merkel is not ugly. She is perfectly pleasant to look at, and has a husband and family who would agree. I'm not telling the OP she's attractive or not, I'm saying it's unlikely she's as far away from the norm as she feels. Especially as she has had an awful upbringing where her parents and bullies have used the idea of attractiveness to damage her.

The way that women are portrayed in media seems to have made many people lose sight of what is actual typical for humans to look like.

I'm not going to tell you you are beautiful, I've got no idea what you look like, but it is obvious that a significant number of people have to be below average when it comes to what is commonly agreed to be beauty at any one time.

How to come to terms with not being one of the lucky ones who are "pretty"?

Well accept it's just luck and doesn't reflect intrinsic value. Remind yourself that beautiful people often do get better service and treatment at the most superficial level, particularly when young, but there is no compelling evidence that they have a better chance of happy, long-term relationships; it brings its own problems. I have an astonishingly beautiful friend who is also very funny and kind; for much of her twenties and thirties she struggled to make friends at work and found people unfriendly. She is so nice and not at all arrogant or pushy so I suspect it was her looks. She changed jobs to an industry that attracts a lot of attractive people and, Lo and behold! - she made friends easily within it. She was also strung along by a man for most of her fertile thirties and had a lot of heartache before finally meeting her lovely husband and having her son, after a loss and with subsequent losses. It wasn't her choice to only have one child and at 41.

Attractiveness and beauty aren't one and the same. Our perception of people's attractiveness is massively influenced by how they interact and present. The man who you assess to be the best looking in the room when you walk in will be eclipsed by the end of the evening by the one with the warm smile, an interest in other people and gentle sense of humour. Even with your low self esteem and current looks, whatever they are, you aren't single, maybe you are with someone who isn't good enough, we can't know, but you can attract.

Finally, although we would all love to be adored in our raw state, both sexes can make a huge difference to their attractiveness through choice of clothes, and in our cases, make-up, - if we choose to. I'm one of those women that covers a pretty staggering range along the plain-pretty spectrum; I'm very short, large breasted and pinkish pale with lips the same colour as the rest of my face, stick me in a oatmeal tracksuit with no make-up and I'm really quite unpleasant looking. The right clothes and a bit of makeup and I'm not at all unpleasant and often perceived as more good looking than I am by people, women as well as men, I think because I'm naturally animated and quite smiley.With the self-esteem, you may have to fake confidence at first, but it becomes a habit and gradually you may grow into it. There seem to be many contributory factors to you low self esteem and none of them have anything to do with your worth, just the inadequacy of your parents and the unkindness of ubiquitous school bullies.

I'm now early 50s and have friends who I've known since school; if I think about my friends, there is no correlation between their looks and their happiness and relationships now. It's just a mix, the lookers are do not have a disproportionate number of the happy relationships.

Being rich and healthy is way more important than being pretty. It’s very self indulgent and privileged to whine about not being pretty. You’ve obviously never had any real hardship if that’s your biggest problem. Believe me, having health problems is way worse than being ugly. And remember that pretty only lasts for a while, but rich lasts forever.

You need some therapy OP. You're family were horrid to you and it's nothing to do with how you look.

No correlation between their looks and their happiness and relationships

Strangely, given that very beautiful people definitely do get treated better and unbeautiful ones get shouted at from vans (as a pp mentioned), the above comment has always seemed to me to be true.