How I accept that I'm not pretty

[Sophieros23]

How can I accept and love myself when I'm ugly??

OP I would really recommend therapy. Sounds like you had a hard childhood and it’s affecting you still now (understandably).

As previous posters have said, if you want to take steps to become more conventionally attractive then you can. But that’s not going to work if you haven’t worked through the problem with.l a therapist

I'm not arguing that beauty being subjective (as it varies by culture and time) is the solution! I'm simply pointing out that it is unlikely the OP is actually ugly according to current society, not that it matters whether she is or isn't. What is much more likely is that she has had her mental health damaged by the actions of her parents and family, plus bullying, whilst growing up. Which has led to a focus on external appearance as the reason/solution to low self esteem.

The solution is to realise that external appearance is not as important or relevant as our society otherwise makes it seem. I am in total agreement with you about what you say about women and the concept of ugliness. The OP will likely need therapy of some kind to address the damage done to her self esteem by her family.

I agree with all of that. Absolutely.

Yes, cultural standards of beauty vary, but there is still such a thing as being objectively more or less beautiful.

That's why I find it really problematic that so much of this thread is either telling her that she isn't ugly, or that beauty is subjective, or how she can improve her looks.

Rather than focusing on addressing the mental health issues that make this such an awful feeling for her

I don't think anyone who is actually ugly. I think that some people are lucky enough to be very striking but the rest of us are just human. I do often think people look scruffy, dirty or a messy sometimes and I don't always like people's style but that is personal preference for appearance.

Very true

The truth is that most people are pretty average looking and not very beautiful, apart from film stars etc... You have to accept how you look because you've no other choice. Just groom well and take care of yourself and make the best of what you've got.

Oh OP. so sorry you feel this way. I very much doubt that you're ugly, you're probably just average looking (like most of us!). And even if you were physically irredeemably ugly, the truth is that beauty comes from within.

It's all to do with how you feel about yourself, and whether you project positive or negative energy to those around you.

It sounds as if you have very low self esteem due to a tough childhood. You need to work through your past and learn to love yourself - it's going to be a tough journey, but can be done with therapy.

And also start by taking care of yourself and your body: try to eat healthily, exercise, get enough sleep. Look after your skin and hair. Buy something new to wear. Start small.

I actually think a lot of actresses are very average looking...they just have money and time to invest in themselves so they look good. If they lived an average persons life with all the stresses and strains and not lots of money, they'd look the same as most of us!

Outsourcing your self worth always ends poorly.

But you can roll it in glitter! 😜

I think that it's totally understandable that you believe this if a number of assholes have told you this in the past. If it's all you have ever heard.

It's not true, it can't be from a logically perspective. Sure there are degrees of beauty but the vast majority of us are relatively plain rather than strikingly beautiful. I have never looked at anyone and saw ugly.

I am plain but I don't care. I'll never turn heads but I'm not ugly. I'm just normal. The only difference between us is that nobody ever undermined my self belief and confidence the way people did to you. It's unbelievably cruel & should never have happened.

Would you consider counselling as no one should feel this way? Your self esteem has been eroded & you need help building it back up.

@Bamboux "my point wasn't that only attractive people are successful. My point was that beauty is not subjective."

Fair enough Bamboux. However, I don't really know that it's really that relevant here. For one thing you equate attractive and beauty. Beauty tends to be societally prescribed and does change to some extent. Fat is beautiful in some eras and cultures. Thin in others etc. Some sort of faces are beautiful in some eras, others in other eras. But this is also quite different to attractive which I think IS much more subjective. Why someone is attractive is not just down to how they might look in a photo, if that is how you are defining beautiful. It is mannerisms, charm, ease, humour, wit, a twinkle in the eye, or a myriad of different characteristics that make a person attractive.

Unless you want to live your live through frozen stills on an instagram account. Attractive people in real life tend to be people who exude life or who others want to be with, who have attributes that draw others to them and make people feel good for whatever reason. Or even (shock) are nice people!

There are many attractive "stars" who aren't conventionally so. Some have that extra something when performing or when the spotlight is upon them. Or have charisma, charm or stage presence that makes us want to watch them etc etc.

But back to the OP, I just don't think going on about Merkel or Naomi Campbell is really relevant. I'm assuming that the OP isn't trying to be either the leader of the nation or a supermodel. But she is still really down on herself and can't move past being told negative stuff and putdowns in her childhood that made her feel down about herself and not good enough. That these comments are centred on prettiness is not unexpected because people do tend to make a big deal of looks for young girls and we still need to fight that restricting way.

People are saying it's unlikely she's ugly and I agree. The way to get past this obsession about "prettiness" is to see it for what it is, the imposition of negative ideas by other people. The way to cure that isn't to endlessly seek more approval from those same sorts of people. But to stop the self bullying and to realise that a person has internalised a negative outside voice that isn't even their own and they can choose to try and turn that around.

Whilst it's true that beauty isn't the only thing that matters as you say, most people do want to feel attractive in themselves, in their relationships, in a general sort of way. Yet we have a culture endlessly destroying our self esteem in order to create a neverending need and insecurity so we'll buy all sorts of stuff to fit in or get approval. It's possible to start to feel attractive in yourself. It's possible to create a greater sense of love and well-being in your body. I suggest that starts with cutting out the self-bullying and moving towards appreciating your body not as a still image but something active in the world that gives joy and life and experiences. If then the OP wants to project out an image in an interesting or creative way, that's good too. But think it all starts with detaching from and moving past the self-bullying.

I had that feeling even though everyone says I'm pretty. I ended up breaking down in front of my doctor. I've been on anti depressants ever since. Since then those ultra critical voices calmed down. If its making you depressed go and see your GP . Then you need to talk yourself out of it. Believe your husband when he tells you that you're pretty.

I looked at some old photos posted on Facebook and was totally surprised that I was pretty when my mind told me I wasn't

I rarely see people who are actually ugly. Properly ugly. It's very rare.

Most people are varying degrees of average. And almost everyone can improve their look with a bit of skill. (Or money).

Sounds like people have been really horrible to you and given you an untrue vision of yourself because they are hateful and uncaring.

I did have a baby 9 weeks and we have to other kids 11 and 6 my partners says I'm being hard on myself I've always felt this for years it hasn't gone away at 31 sounds pathetic at my age will i care less when I'm in my 40s?

Because half of us are less than average looking, so there's a good chance that applies to the op.
I'm certainly less than average looking. I look like a slimmer Jeremy Clarkson but slightly more feminine with better hair! It's still not a great look.
Op, I keep fit, so I move well. I wear planned clothes, I can't just fling something on and hope for the best. I smile and try to be pleasant. I respect myself because I am a decent person, am good at my job etc etc and expect others to do the same. I don't waste time with people who judge others harshly on appearance.

@Bamboux

Exactly. Telling people that they're wrong about being ugly and that it's all subjective is really damaging and cruel.
It denies their lived reality.
It denies all of the material advantages that attractiveness brings.

I'm sorry because I know this is a sensitive point and I don't want to be unkind but I can't agree with this. It may be someone's "lived reality" that they don't feel beautiful and that hurts, but the point is it is subjective. The "lived reality" comes from inside.

It must feel shit to be surrounded by people who have made you feel unattractive and I have deep sympathy. But the solution to this is not to simply keep asserting that you must be ugly and to demand everyone pity you on this basis.

As to "pretty privilege": being superficially pretty does open certain superficial doors, it may get you chatted up more often (by shallow men) and get you through the door for job interviews. It will not improve the quality of your relationships or prevent you from being abused or bullied. It will not improve your self-esteem. And people who become over-invested in their looks become overly sensitive to others' perception of their looks which is damaging for all sorts of reasons. The more worried you are about how you look, the less happy and confident you will appear. And the more likely you are to attract vindictive and abusive people who are also overly preoccupied with looks.

If you feel ugly you will not change that by simply telling yourself and others over and over how awful it is to be ugly. You should remove people from your life if they tell you this and if they don't support your self-esteem and you should work on trying to build your inner confidence (if necessary with professional support).

I'm not trying to be dismissive or that it's something you need to simply snap out of. But a self-perpetuating narrative around how you really are ugly and feel awful about it achieves nothing and ultimately no one else can change that but you.

What is it about your appearance you feel is ugly?

@Cheeseandhoney thank you, that's kind. The comments from friends were meant well, really. They were generally trying to stop me from embarrassing myself by trying to go after men who were way out of my league. They were right to do that I think.

I'm not sure if you're directing this at me or at OP - if at the OP, then fair enough. But I wasn't saying it about myself. This:

It must feel shit to be surrounded by people who have made you feel unattractive and I have deep sympathy. But the solution to this is not to simply keep asserting that you must be ugly and to demand everyone pity you on this basis.

doesn't apply to me or the way I feel about myself. I am not preoccupied with looks. I don't value myself based on my appearance. I don't expect pity based on how I look. And I'm not surrounded by people who make me feel unattractive.

Apologies if you meant a more generic 'you', and you weren't addressing me, but to be clear: when I said it wasn't fair to deny people their own experiences of lived reality, I wasn't referring to myself personally.

There was a poster earlier who said she literally has a facial deformity and that people shout abuse at her from passing cars etc. I found it extremely insensitive and insulting that people were still posting saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", "it's all subjective" etc. after that poster literally said she has an actual visible facial difference and that she is regularly subjected to abuse because of it.

I don't have any suggestions at the moment but I'm interested by your wording. 'Not pretty' and ugly are two entirely different things. I don't particularly like the over use of the word pretty. If 1 is repulsive and 10 is breath takingly stunning, surely the majority of people would rather as a 5 or 6 but this seems to offend some people.
I can't see you but I'd guess by standard opinions you fall between a 4 and 7. You're average, so yes not pretty (like most of us) but likely not ugly.
Are you envious and eaten by jealousy so wanting MORE than average? Would you feel the same way about say income, so feel distressed that you're below average? As a package we're likely to be at, above and below average across a wide range of characteristics/outcomes. I'm not naive, some people are lucky enough to be pretty, wealthy, intelligent, happy and a good decent person. The whole package. Some people always seem to be bottom of the pile. What else is going on in your life? What's in your package?

@Thepeopleversuswork This is the poster I was referring to:

Magentax · Today 11:14
As much as I have to accept some folks see themselves and others like that. They also need to accept I simply do not
True and you sound like a nice person but not everyone is like you and I do need to learn to live and have self esteem in a world where lots of people do consider me ugly (and feel free to shout it at me from their vans). So I do need to build some resilience around my unfortunate reality. Would it help you understand more if I described myself as having a facial deformity (which I do) rather than just using the word ugly?
Also how can we work on things like attractive people getting lower sentences than ugly people if we all just refuse to admit that there is some objectivity around attractiveness. I lived with how adults interacted with me as a child who's face made people uncomfortable. I promise you it wasn't some internal problem caused by me.

I think it's really wrong of people to tell her that she's wrong, that she's lying or mistaken or deluded about her own lived experience.

@Magentax has had awful experiences due to a visible difference that means appalling, horrible, disgusting people have abused her in the street for it. They are scum to do this, total scum. It's unforgivable. They are not fit to lick her boots.

But it doesn't help her to tell her that it's actually all her fault and all she needs to do is to be more confident and that all beauty is subjective. It's really not.

So yeah- just to be clear. I wasn't talking about myself. But it made me very angry and frustrated on her behalf to see so many people dismissing her first-hand experiences, which she herself is very honest and clear-sighted about.

@Bamboux

For clarity it was more directed at the OP but you'd said it was damaging and cruel to tell people they weren't ugly. I do disagree with that point because I think what you're trying to do is insist that someone's "lived reality" is fixed and immutable.

It's not as simple as saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", that is trite. But it is true that there's no such thing as an objective "scale" of beauty and people who fall lower on the scale will always be considered inferior.

Beauty and attractiveness are actually highly subjective and very situation-specific (and cultural). A person with objectively beautiful features who is timid, stiff and reserved is usually far less attractive than a person with a wonky face who is carrying too much weight who is clever, funny and comfortable in their own skin.

Most of the time when people get very hung up on the idea that they are intrinsically unattractive they start reading the behaviour of others as "evidence" of their unattractiveness. People may seem cold or unapproachable to them. In fact that's usually happening is people are reacting to the lack of confidence that the person is projecting. If someone is happy with themselves the ratio of their nose to their chin or the quality of their eyebrow wax is an utter irrelevance.

A lot of women in particular have been trained to think that their value is measured according to how much they measure up to an idealised set of beauty values and they are very hard on themselves for falling short of these. But in reality these are arbitrary and have very little actual relevance to how people are perceived.

Ugly doesn't mean repulsive or unpleasant. This is exactly my point

ah ok, I understand it’s confusion on what the word means, it does mean repulsive or unpleasant. It’s the literal dictionary definition.

what had you thought it meant?

Firstly not many of us are movie star material! Secondly its not the 50s you know.Women today are admired for other things as well.Focus on health ,getting out and about. People with a good outlook on life are happier .